REVIEW: Red Baron Supreme Pizza By The Slice

Somewhere out there someone is warming up the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice in the microwave and while watching it rotate to pass the time they think to themselves that the product is a metaphor for their forlorn life. And that person could possibly be the loneliest person in the world.

Who is the loneliest person in the world?

The loneliest person in the world wants a cat. Or maybe two cats. Or three. Or whatever the number of cats the Humane Society allows them to adopt. Or whatever the loneliest person in the world can fit in their studio apartment. However, the loneliest person in the world doesn’t want to be known in their apartment complex as “the cat person” who has a machine gun bunker’s worth of kitty litter bags stacked in their apartment. Fortunately for the loneliest person in the world, their landlord has prevented “the cat person” label from being affixed to them by neighbors because pets aren’t allowed in the building.

The loneliest person in the world chooses to work in the exciting 10-keyed realm of data entry because it’s the Solitare of the employment world. It’s one of the few things the loneliest person in the world excels at. The loneliest person in the world is amazingly accurate and has never made a mistake, but double checks their work because the company’s standard operating procedures say so. Even more impressive is the fact that the loneliest person in the world is ambidextrous when in comes to punching numeric keys in a robotic fashion. The loneliest person in the world wonders why there is so much interest surrounding the world’s fastest phone texter. The loneliest person in the world believes they would type circles around the world’s fastest texter, if the loneliest person in the world had a cell phone, which they have no need for since no one calls them.

You would think the loneliest person in the world would have some friends at work, but due to poor social skills caused by an extremely sheltered childhood, the loneliest person in the world doesn’t interact with co-workers, but does acknowledge their greetings with smiles and nods. The loneliest person in the world doesn’t have anything in common with fellow employees. The loneliest person in the world doesn’t think anyone in the office is into hobbies that the loneliest person in the world enjoys, like medieval horseback archery, duct tape art and egg shell carving.

So the loneliest person in the world sits alone in the corner of the office’s break room, eating the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice, which is perfect for the loneliest person in the world since they have no friends to share the other slices with if they had a whole pizza. The loneliest person in the world wishes that it didn’t take so long to prepare, which included microwaving it for 60 seconds on the edge of the microwave oven’s turntable, then 70-85 seconds in the middle of the turntable and then, if the cheese isn’t completely melted, continue cooking in 15 second intervals. The loneliest person in the world has to microwave it an extra 90 seconds to get the cheese completely melted. Although it’s no problem for a data entry expert to press the numbers one and five repeatedly on any kind of keypad, the loneliest person in the world wishes they didn’t have to do so during a lunch break.

Although the life of the loneliest person in the world isn’t very exciting, it’s much more exciting than the flavor of the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice. While the packaging brags about the fact that the two pizza slices included were “fire baked,” I wonder why that matters much since it’s going to be put through a microwave for more than two minutes. Sadly, during those two minutes, the “special crisping tray” doesn’t do a good job of crisping the crust. The amount of toppings on each slice was sad compared with what’s on the front of the box. Perhaps if each pizza slice had a decent amount of sausage, pepperoni, bell peppers and onions, it would’ve tasted better because it’s not a very flavorful pizza. Not even the sauce could save it because it was neither spicy or sweet.

If I were the loneliest person in the world, I’d avoid the Red Baron Supreme Pizza by the Slice. Although, since the pizza is kind of sad and pathetic, perhaps it would make the loneliest person in the world feel better.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 slice – 350 calories, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 910 milligrams of sodium, 200 milligrams of potassium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 25% calcium 4% vitamin C and 15% iron.)

*made with fully hydrogenated oil

Item: Red Baron Supreme Pizza By The Slice
Price: $3.49 (on sale)
Size: 2 slices
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Microwaveable. Comes with two slices. Being really good a data entry. Made with real cheese. Good source of calcium.
Cons: Tolerable pizza. Not very flavorful. Difficult to make cheese melt completely. Not a lot of toppings. Special crisping tray kind of sucks. Awesome source of sodium. Not being able to have pets.

35 thoughts to “REVIEW: Red Baron Supreme Pizza By The Slice”

  1. Jeez–you just made me so very depressed. I am now going to drink some scotch from my secret bottle I have at work and eat a doughnut to make me feel better.

  2. I agree..this is depressing….even this lonely slice of pizza in the world isn’t good enough for the loneliest person in the world.

  3. Most. Depressing. Review. EVER. I’m gonna need to watch some cats eating human food or the Double Rainbow Guy video again to pep me back up…

  4. The pizza doesn’t look really tasty.

    Marvo why not you try to review Walden Farms Products I like your sense of humor I want to see what you say about Walden Farms Products.

  5. Wow, that review made me depressed, and glad I don’t do data entry. But then, it sounds like a depressing product, so perhaps it was appropriate.

  6. This is both the funniest and saddest review I’ve ever read. How did you do that?! MAD SKILLS.

    I’m now craving good pizza for social individuals…

  7. @imgovtdrone: Lemme tell ya, writing it made me depressed. Or was I feeling drowsy because of the cold medication I was hopped up on while writing it.

    @amanda: A whole pizza is like a gigantic smiley face. A slice of pizza is like someone with a long face and a unibrow.

    @Michael: Sad and lonely.

    @Emma: If you’re going to watch the Double Rainbow video again, watch this remix:

    @Alek: Had to Google Walden Farms to find out who they are. I was hoping they were related to Waldenbooks, but sadly they are not. Their store locator says there aren’t any places near me that sell Walden Farms, but I hope there might be in the future.

    @ratbuddy: No, I’m the luckiest guy. Okay, actually, I’m the luckiest guy in my apartment.

    @Chuck: Actually, data entry isn’t so bad, especially if the company you work for allows you to listen to your iPod while inputting stuff.

    @Maya Klein: I dunno. I just tap into the emotions that are deep inside of me or stare at my Comedy/Tragedy Masks.

  8. I may love pizza of all kinds, but I don’t know that even when I was single and alone that I’d want to buy this considering pizza is one of the things I definitely stuff my face with when I have it. The other is sushi. I do like their personal deep dish pizzas, even the ones you microwave in the crisper. I have am definitely not picky when it comes to pizza. I won’t turn down even the worst… no wait, I will turn down a Great Value buffalo wing pizza because that’s just nasty. I don’t like pizzas that don’t use a form of tomato sauce on them though given the chance I would probably punish myself with any variant :). Back to the pizza, it doesn’t actually seem too bad. I wouldn’t buy it for quantity reasons, but if it magically appeared on my kitchen counter I would definitely eat it. One thing I do like about whole frozen pizzas better though, is that you can fill a plain cheese one with whatever toppings you wish… pineapple, hamburger meat, italian sausage, onions and other veggies, and in the case of a good friend of mine… cashews :). I haven’t tried that one but considering I will eat anything on a pizza, I probably wouldn’t mind it.
    Cheer up everyone! Pizza shouldn’t be depressing! And anyway, there are two in this package, right? With a salad on the side, or coleslaw, or some chicken wings, it makes a good meal for two. 😛

        1. Yup, it’s the real me. Let me check in the mirror. Asian? Check. Noticeable gut sticking out? Check. Answers to the name Marvo? Check.

  9. My first ‘real’ job was doing 10 key (by touch!) for one of those inventory companies. I was paid so little that I actually passed out from hunger once while standing on a milk crate counting the top shelf of the Nestle’s Quik endcap. That damn bunny was the last thing I saw before I cracked my head open on the concrete floor and woke up two days later. At least I got ‘vacation’ out of it, thanks to worker’s comp.

    10 key workers of the world, unite!

  10. Yeah, that was goddamn depressing. Fortunately, I am not the loneliest person in the world. I only own two cats and my apartment complex allows them and I did work data entry but it was fun because it was Disneyland Guest complaints and I had a two-gay-men comedy show going on in my cubicle every day.

    Hey, getting all that out made me feel less depressed! But I still feel sorry for Marvo for having to eat such a sad slice of pizza.

    (PS – Really well written, even if I almost slit my wrists!)

    1. Thank goodness you didn’t slit your wrists. That would’ve made it difficult for you to produce reviews for JFB and TIB. OK. LOL. ROTFL. JLIJELIJIOEHSHE.

    1. Did you filter the impostor out? Does that mean I still have to spend all night figuring out what JLIJELIJIOEHSHE stands for?

      1. Looking though visitor logs, the person is a regular. I thought about editing their comment and change their username to Evil Marvo Impersonator, but I just deleted it.

        Also, Japanese Learner In Jello Easily Lets Insects Jump Into Orifices, Ears, Hairs, Scalp, Hands and Everywhere.

        1. Thanks for spelling out tonight’s nightmare for me! I wasn’t sure what direction it would go, so it’s nice to know what to expect.

      1. Hm, it’s either flattering that you’re so important that someone would want to impersonate you, or just plain annoying. 🙂 Now I’m paranoid everyone is an imposter, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers. 🙁

  11. What’s really depressing is the lack of reviews these last two weeks. Step it up! Eat MOAR CRAP! It gets boring in my cube.

      1. Good to hear, Marvo. Teh internets demand a functional palate for junk food reviews. NyQuil tends to not allow any palate to funtion. See: “Wow! This Pizza Tastes Like Liquorice/Jagermeister”

  12. i find that the fire baked RB crust tastes significantly better than the original crust, the difference must be that i always use the oven & never the microwave.

    i always see these in the store but never buy them, i dont see the point when you can spend $1 more & get an entire pizza then give the rest to the dogs.

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