REVIEW: Coke With Lime

Coke With Lime

(Editor’s Note: Today’s review subject was suggested by another resident on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Lakitu. At first, I wasn’t going to review it, because Lakitu actually likes sparkling water. This made me think she was crazy…or has no taste buds. But she likes to lick sparkling water off of hot bodies, so I figured she couldn’t be so bad. So here’s the review. Enjoy.)

Hey! Hey! You two stop it!

Don’t make me pull over, because if I do, you two will regret it.

Why can’t you two just get along, Coke and Pepsi?

Coke, stop messing with Pepsi’s cap! I said stop!

If you two can’t play nice, I’m going to make the two of you walk home.

What did you say, Coke? Don’t you fizz at me!

I said cool it!

I swear you two are going to drive me insane. See all the white hair and the fillings? I got them from you two.

You just wait until we get home. I’m going to put one of you in the vegetable drawer and one of you in the freezer for a timeout session.

No, Pepsi, I don’t care if you explode in the freezer, I can always get another one of you.

Oh, come on! Quit it or else I’m going to cancel our trip to Disneyland!

This cola fight has to stop. Can’t the both of you be happy with being multibillion dollar companies? It’s not like either of you are RC Cola.

You may not realize this, but the only people you’re hurting are your consumers.

Coke, I didn’t hear you apologize for New Coke. All you did was slowly sweep New Coke under the rug, bring back the old Coke, and call it Classic Coke. You didn’t think I saw that, but I did.

Oh, don’t laugh Pepsi, you’re guilty, too. Remember Pepsi AM? Don’t act like you don’t remember, because I know you do.

Now what’s this I hear about Coke with Lime. Now Coke, you just can’t keep sticking stuff in you. You did lemons, cherries, and vanilla. What’s next? Chocolate? Strawberries? Pomegranate? You’re gonna get sick, and if you get sick, you’re going to make other people sick.

Remember the time you stuck Pop Rocks in you? What happened? You threw up. And who had to clean that mess? I did.

But I did try Coke with Lime and thought it wasn’t bad. The lime taste was really weak, unlike the vanilla taste in Vanilla Coke and the cherry taste in Cherry Coke. Also, I think the lime took out some of the bite that you usually have, Coke. I have to say I’m very disappointed in you.

See this is what happens when you don’t think before you act.

The same goes for you, Pepsi. You can’t play mad scientist, like Coke. I know what you’re up to, Mister. I’m sure you’re working on your own version of Coke with Lime in your room and you’re probably going to call it Pepsi Splash, Pepsi Squirt, or Pepsi Squeeze.

Just to let you know, nobody likes a copycat.

Also, I found the issues of Playboy under your mattress. You know, every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

But that’s besides the point. See you two made me lose focus.

All you two do is go back and forth.

Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi. Vanilla Coke. Pepsi Vanilla. Cherry Coke. Wild Cherry Pepsi. Coke with Lemon. Pepsi Twist. C2. Pepsi Edge. Pepsi One. Coke Zero.

Enough is enough.

Eventually you two are going to take it too far and someone’s really going to get hurt.

When will it all end?

Coke Infinity? Then Pepsi Infinity Plus One?

Look, I love you both, but if this keeps going on, I’m going to send one of you back.

Item: Coke With Lime
Purchase Price: $1.29
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Not bad tasting. It comes in a bottle. Coke thought of adding lime first.
Cons: Very light lime taste. Nothing special. Never-ending cola fight. Whiny multibillion dollar companies.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Dollar Menu

McDonald's Dollar Menu

To celebrate McDonald’s 50th anniversary, I decided to review a McDonald’s product for today. Unfortunately, they don’t have anything new out, so instead I decided to order everything on the McDonald’s Dollar Menu and try to eat it all in one sitting.

Yeah! Eat your heart out, Morgan Spurlock. Oh wait, you would probably eat your heart out. After all, you did eat 30 straight days of nothing but McDonald’s food.

For those of you who are smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, the Dollar Menu is a menu of items that cost only a dollar, but being that you’re smart enough to avoid McDonald’s food, you probably knew that already.

The eight items on the Dollar Menu are: A double cheeseburger, McChicken sandwich, small fries, small drink, hot fudge sundae, fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, two apple pies, and a side salad.

Eating everything on the Dollar Menu may not seem that bad, but consuming 2,455 calories, 107 grams of fat, 175 milligrams of cholesterol, 3,115 milligrams of sodium, 309 grams of carbs, and 152 grams of sugar can’t be a good thing, like being an 8-year old boy in a room with Michael Jackson.

This wasn’t Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich dangerous, it was Hardee’s Monster Thickburger dangerous.

As I waited in line at McDonald’s, I thought about the consequences of what I was about to do. I could increase my cholesterol count, have high blood pressure, gain a few pounds, or have really bad gas. After realizing this, I thought about walking out of the line and scheduling an appointment with my doctor to see if my body could handle this, or at least, pick up some Beano.

However, I said to myself, “Balls to the wall.”

Then I wondered if that saying even existed, but eventually shrugged it off and ordered my food.

I came away with five McDonald’s bags and as I drove away I wondered if it would’ve been safer for me to eat in the restaurant, just in case something happens. Oh, how I wish I had a medical alarm bracelet. “Help I’ve eaten three times the amount of McDonald’s food in one sitting than I should and I can’t get up because of my fat ass.”

When I got home and laid the food out on the table, a serious problem arose. Which food item should I start with? With eight food items there were eight way I could start, or as I decided to call it, eight ways to possibly get diabetes.

Since the hot fudge sundae was almost melted, I decided to start there. Oh, how I love the hot fudge sundae. Oh, how I wish I had a girlfriend to lick it off of. Oh, how I wish I didn’t sound like such a kinky freak.

I followed that with the not-so-fresh looking side salad, which could’ve been the healthiest item on the Dollar Menu if it weren’t for the creamy Caesar dressing I added. It’s sort of like eating a tub of ice cream while working out on your BowFlex or adding crack (pharmaceutical or anatomical) to your Kellogg’s Cracklin’ Oat Bran cereal.

The double cheeseburger and small fries were next, which was probably the best and least healthiest parts of the feast. I followed that with one of the baked-but-looks-fried apple pies. By this point, I was full, but took a few deep breaths and put my balls to the wall, finishing the fruit ‘n yogurt parfait, McChicken sandwich, and small soda.

After that barrage of food, all that was left was the other apple pie, but my spider-sense told me that I should leave the apple pie alone for now. However, six hours later, that apple pie became my dinner. It was the only thing I had for dinner.

It’s been over 24 hours since my Dollar Menu feast and I feel fine. However, yesterday after consuming everything, I felt extremely sluggish for the rest of the day and just lounged around the house. But at least I now know what it’s like to be Kevin Federline, except without the boinking Britney Spears part.

So what would I do differently next time? I definitely won’t try to eat the entire McDonald’s Dollar Menu in one sitting. Eating that much food on a regular basis could turn me into one of those 500-pound freaks who sit on the couch all day, have other people wipe their ass, and need a whole wall ripped out in order for them to be taken to a hospital.

Also, I really wished I had bought some Beano.

So what have I learned? Nothing new, but this experience has made me swear off fast food…for a few weeks or when someone builds a Hardee’s here, whichever comes first.

Oh yeah, Happy Birthday, McDonald’s!!!

Item: McDonald’s Dollar Menu
Purchase Price: $8.00
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Cheap eats, if bought individually. I’m still alive. Hot fudge sundae. Double cheeseburger. Small fries.
Cons: Expensive if bought all together. Same nutritional values as a Hardee’s Monster Thickburger sandwich. Too much food. Fruit ‘n yogurt parfait. Side salad. Couldn’t finish it all. Experienced what it’s like to be Kevin Federline. Really bad gas.

Irish Spring MicroClean

Irish Spring MicroClean

Bars of soap.

They were once considered the King of the Shower, dominating the personal care aisle at stores, coming in dozens of brands, sizes, and scents. We thought so well of bars of soap, that we used to give them as gifts to people in either in the shapes of fish or on a rope. They were also once seen as goods to be taken from hotel rooms, along with the small bottles of shampoo and conditioner, and the occasional towel or ashtray.

However, bars of soap now have been reduced to a small section on the bottom shelf at stores and have been replaced by dozens of liquid body washes. They are also left behind in the hotel room, like the used condom in the trash and the Bible and the phone books in the nightstand.

It’s been years since I’ve used a bar of soap, but when I used them, my soaps of choice were Ivory and Irish Spring.

Ivory was a good soap because it was dirt cheap and Ivory claimed it was 100 percent pure. Their proof that it was pure was the fact bars of Ivory soap floated, like angels in the sky. Of course, this can’t be true because if Tara Reid were on a raft, she would still be a drunken tramp.

I also used Irish Spring because I loved the scent of it. Every time I took a shower, I would close my eyes and imagine being in Ireland during the spring, surrounded by leprechauns and four-leaf clovers, with the smell of Irish Spring in the air. Of course, later I found out that Irish Spring was just as Irish as Lucky Charms cereal.

Anyway, I switched to body washes because they were much easier to masturbate clean with than a bar of soap. Plus, they came in much better scents, even better than Irish Spring.

Recently, I got to reexperience what it’s like to use a bar of soap again, thanks to the new Irish Spring MicroClean.

The Irish Spring MicroClean looks and smells very similar to the original Irish Spring, except it has these MicroBeads in the bar, which are supposed to exfoliate the skin.

Unfortunately, the MicroBeads felt like they weren’t doing their job. It felt like a really, really fine piece of sandpaper that had been heavily used to strip the paint off of a bicycle. My loofah does a better job of exfoliating, because it feels like it’s actually ripping off my epidermis.

Even on my most sensitive parts, like my hairy nipples, I couldn’t really feel the MicroBeads. However, I did feel clean, but what soap doesn’t make you feel that way.
Another thing that bothered me about the soap was the sticky soap film, which I should’ve remembered from my previous years of using bars of soap. I guess I’m just so used to the slippery soap film that I get from using moisturizing body washes

The Irish Spring MicroClean probably won’t make me go back to using bars of soap, but I have found a nifty use them. It turns out that a bar of Irish Spring MicroClean makes for a wonderful air freshener in the bathroom.

Just stick one on a plate, leave it anywhere in the bathroom, and let the Irish Spring goodness spread throughout the room.

I think I’m going to stick a bar in my car.


Item: Irish Spring MicroClean
Purchase Price: $1.97 (3-pack)
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: That familiar Irish Spring smell. Rich lather. Makes a wonderful air freshener.
Cons: Sticky soap film. Could hardly feel the MicroBeads, even on my nipples. Or maybe I couldn’t feel the MicroBeads because of the hair around my nipples.

Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies

Caramel Cookies

(Editor’s Note: The winners of this month’s prize drawing have been selected. Their names have been posted in the right column. Congratulations to them and thanks to everyone who participated.)

Psst. Cookie Monster.

I read they’re cutting back your cookie consumption. That’s too bad, after all, you’re THE Cookie Monster.

I don’t understand why they’re doing this to you, it’s not your fault kids are getting fat. You should go on TV and point fingers at the fast food industry, the lack of physical education in schools, or SpongeBob SquarePants. People are blaming SpongeBob for other things, so you should just peg this one on him as well.

Anyway, so are you having withdrawals? It must be hard on you to not be able to eat cookies all the time. Addictions can be hard to break. Look at Charlie Sheen. He couldn’t stop his hooker addiction for that hottie Denise Richards.

To be honest, you eating cookies all the time wasn’t so bad. You’ve eaten them for decades and you’re not obese, you’ve never had a heart attack, and you don’t have diabetes. So I don’t understand why you NOW need to eat a balanced diet. You’re like those old men who eat bacon for every meal, smoke cigars everyday, and live until they’re 90 years old.

Well, because you and I have a lot in common, like loving cookies, having googly eyes, and hairy chests, especially around the nipple area, I’m going to help you out.

I just baked some Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies, and if you want some, I could send a dozen of them to you…for a price.

I know you’ve got money, because you’ve been on television for decades. You must be raking in, at least, a hundred thousand dollars an episode.

And don’t give me that non-profit PBS excuse, I’m sure you also get residuals from all the 120 foreign markets Sesame Street is in. Oh, and let’s not forget the money you’re making from all the merchandising.

I know you don’t make as much as Big Bird or that annoying Elmo, but you’re probably making more than Grover, Mr. Snuffleupagus, and those two lovebirds, Bert and Ernie.

If you’re interested, I’ve got a plan to get these cookies to you without your fellow Sesame Street neighbors finding out.

I’ll give the cookies to those hippies down in Fraggle Rock and they could dig a tunnel to your place and deliver the cookies to you. They’re not doing anything, except getting high, because their show ended in 1987.

Wait, on second thought, that might be a bad idea. Some of them might have a bad case of the munchies and eat your cookies before they deliver them to you.

Maybe I’ll just mail them, wrapped in coffee beans so no one can smell the cookies.

So you’re probably wondering how’s the product?

These Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies are good. They’re definitely better than those Chips Ahoy cookies, but they aren’t as good or as big as the Pillsbury Chocolate Chip Big Deluxe Classics I tried last month.

I know you like the traditional crunchy chocolate chip cookies, so I don’t know if you’ll really like these because the caramel filling in each cookie makes them a lot chewier and sweeter. To be honest, the caramel made them a little too sweet for me, but I don’t think you’ll notice it because you don’t ever chew your cookies anyway, you just inhale them.

Or, if you like, I can just send you the cookie dough for you to bake. These cookies are quick and easy. Just break off the globs of cookie dough, place them on a baking pan, and bake them at 350 degrees for 13 minutes.

However, if you decide to go the cookie dough route, the aroma from baking them could tip people off to what you’re up to and you might get into trouble. If you like, I could throw in a little incense, for an extra fee, to cover the baking smell.

Anyway, if you want this deal done, you know how to contact me.

Just to let you know, I expect half the payment up front, and the other half after delivery.


Item: Nestle Toll House Chocolate Chip & Caramel Cookies
Purchase Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Good. Quick and easy to bake. If you like chewy cookies, the caramel makes them chewy.
Cons: The caramel filling made them a little too sweet. Cookie Monster eating a balanced diet. My hairy nipples.