REVIEW: Metromint Chocolatemint Water

The Metromint Chocolatemint Water combines something I want, chocolate, with something I need, water, with something that’s nice to have, mint. That’s a triple threat, like Tina Fey’s humor, brains and beauty or Spencer Pratt’s ability to look like an asshole, sound like a prick and act like a douchebag.

Metromint’s line of minty waters each has what the company calls a “chill factor,” which according to their website, “is a comparative scale that measures the range of minty refreshment.” On one end of the spectrum, their Peppermint water has a chill factor of -9 degrees, while on the opposite end, the Chocolatemint has a chill factor of -2 degrees.

Despite their negative chill factors, none of these lightly flavored minty waters has the ability to freeze anything. Of course, this is obvious because the water itself doesn’t come frozen and I’m pretty sure Madonna’s heart is not involved with the bottling process. Although, the Metromint Chocolatemint Water did freeze my attention when I passed by it, but that probably had less to do with the chill factor and more with fact that it’s a bottled water flavored with chocolate.

The water has a pleasantly sweet minty scent with a whiff of chocolate. According to the label, this water get its chocolate from cocoa essence. I’m not sure what “essence” is or if there’s an essence-sized OXO measuring spoon, but it’s a decent amount because it makes this water have a refreshing chocolate and mint flavor. The cocoa essence also doesn’t add any fat or sugar to the beverage. There’s more mint flavor than there is chocolate and if a Peppermint Patty Light Light Light existed, it would probably taste like this water.

To be honest, I didn’t expect to enjoy the Metromint Chocolatemint Water because I thought the concept of drinking chocolate-flavored water was stupid and I actually said it was stupid out loud when I pulled one off of the shelf. But then I later realized that I drink chocolate water every time I prepare a packet of Swiss Miss with hot water.

Damn, now I know what it’s like to sound like a prick.

(Nutrition Facts – 8 ounces – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates and 0 grams of protein.)

(Note: Gigi reviewed it as well.)

Item: Metromint Chocolatemint Water
Price: $2.50 (retails for much less)
Size: 16.9 ounces
Purchased at: Shirokiya
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly refreshing chocolate and mint flavor. No fat or sugar. Tina Fey’s humor, brains and beauty.
Cons: May seem weird drink water with chocolate. Not sure how to measure the essence of something. Chill factor seems like a silly marketing concept. The price I paid for it. Spencer Pratt’s ability to look like an asshole, sound like a prick and act like a douchebag.

REVIEW: SPAM Hot Dogs

I find SPAM Hot Dogs to be intriguing and, at the same time, somewhat disgusting, like watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.

It’s fascinating because despite the fact that SPAM is something that is looked down upon by as many people in this country as the folks who believe Daisy from VH1’s Daisy of Love is a complete skank, Hormel felt the need to create a hot dog-shaped version of their product. But I think a wiener-shaped version of SPAM would only be loved by canned meat fanboys, Hawaii residents, and Daisy from Daisy of Love, because judging by the contestants on her show, she apparently has a thing for made up pieces of meat that look like dicks.

The SPAM Hot Dogs are also somewhat revolting because they look like what I imagine 8 year old boys who visit Michael Jackson get to see. I would show you a picture of it in all of its pinkish glory, but I think the previous sentence set it up so that if you were to see it, you would probably expel something from your mouth and I’m pretty sure getting puke out of your keyboard is something very difficult to do.

While this molded meat product isn’t pretty to look at, neither is the ingredients list, which is made up of: pork, mechanically separated chicken, water, modified potato starch, salt, potassium lactate, sugar, sodium diacetate, sodium ascorbate and sodium nitrate.

The packaging recommends they be either pan fried or grilled until hot. Since Smokey the Bear is sitting in an unmarked van across the street making sure I don’t have any incinerating devices, I’m not able to grill the SPAM Hot Dogs. Pan frying did help a little with the sickly pink color of the product, turning it a little browner. Measuring 4.75 inches long and three-fourths of an inch in diameter, they don’t quite fit in normal hot dogs buns from end to end, just like most hot dogs. But unlike most other hot dogs, they come eight to a pack, which negates the usual “too many hot dogs, not enough hot dog buns, use extra hot dogs as fake walrus teeth” dilemma.

If you care for the salty, WTF taste of SPAM, like I do, you will probably enjoy the SPAM Hot Dogs. Although, I think the SPAM flavor isn’t as strong as the stuff that comes out of the rectangular can. The addition of mustard and ketchup with the bun complimented the wiener quite well, which, at first, I didn’t think would work. However, if you don’t enjoy the canned meat known as SPAM, be glad because one SPAM Hot Dog contains almost 25 percent of your daily recommended intake of saturated fat, which means this shit is not good for you.

But if you do enjoy SPAM, you’ll like these conveniently shaped hot dogs, which allows you to easily consume them at a barbeque or at the zoo while watching two rhinos go at it, because if you can handle SPAM, you can probably handle the sight of that as well.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 hot dog – 130 calories, 12 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 330 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 10% vitamin C and 2% iron.)

Item: SPAM Hot Dogs
Price: $3.99
Size: 8-pack
Purchased at: Star Market
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good if you like the salty, WTF taste of SPAM. Comes in a pack of eight, which is a perfect match for the number of hot dog buns per pack. Ketchup and mustard with a bun compliments the wiener well. Watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.
Cons: Bad if you don’t like SPAM. SPAM flavor doesn’t seem as strong as stuff that comes in a can. Not pretty to look at, if you have Jacko’s wiener in your head. One hot dog contains 25% of saturated fat. Sodium nitrate. Giving Daisy her own show. Watching two animals getting it on at the zoo.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I’m Bringing Pepsi Back. Them Other Boys Don’t Know How To Act. You Might Be Special, What’s Behind Your Back? So Turn Around, It Could Be A Pepsi Prize Pack.

Right now, Pepsi and Mountain Dew are taking a nostalgic trip back in time by offering a special retro formula of their popular beverages sweetened with natural sugar, just as they were back in the ‘60s and ‘70s, giving fans literally a taste of the past. The Impulsive Buy reviewed the Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback last month. They have been available since April 20th and will only be around for 8 weeks in 20-oz retro designed single-serve bottles and 12-pack cans.

Thanks to the groovy folks at Pepsi, The Impulsive Buy is giving away a Throwback Prize Pack to one lucky Impulsive Buy reader via a prize drawing. The prize pack is valued at $150 and contains the following items:

A Pepsi Throwback Trucker Cap
A Retro Tin Lunch Box
A Retro Clock Radio/CD Player
A USB Lava Lamp
Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback

To enter this prize drawing, leave a comment with THIS post. Your comment MUST contain either a trend, food, beverage, television show or whatever else you would like to see brought back.

Please don’t forget to fill out the email field. TIB will stop accepting entries on Saturday, May 16, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it’s only open to those 18 years old or older in the United States and at U.S. Military APOs. (I’m sorry to everyone else, but keep your eyes open for another prize drawing that will include everyone.)

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails containing gibberish. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you an application to upgrade your AAA membership. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or your inability to bring sexy back.

THE WEEK IN REVIEWS – 5/9/2009

Here are a few product reviews posted this week from other blogs wrapped in an HTML shell and served with immature writing.

I’ve tried this pricey toothpaste before and me likey because it’s refreshing and it combines my name with my twin sister’s name. Wonder Twin powers, activate! (via +/-)

Tuna + Mayo + Corn + Pizza = Pass (via Japanese Snack Reviews)

Can’t stop staring at cans. (via Possessed by Caffeine)

I hope this bring us one step closer to making energy bacon a reality. (via Energy Drink Ratings)

Speaking of bacon, I was hoping that this chicken wrapped in bacon would be awesome, but it proves the cardinal rule of bacon — it makes everything better — wrong. I weep with sadness. (via Freezer Burns)

REVIEW: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar

All right. Let’s get it out of the bloody way.

Nuts. Balls. Nads. Gonads. Cojones. Testes. Testicles. Bollocks. Knap sack. Hacky Sack. Nards. Scrotum. Plums. Eggs. Family Jewels. Nutsack. Benjamins. Crown Jewels. Pouch. Junk. The Twins. Nuggets. Dragonballs. Man-Berries. Stones. Boys. Bag. Rocks. Nackers. Hairy Acorns. Biscuits.

Left and Right Man Brains. Acorns. Jay Leno’s Chin. Apples. Punching Bags. Apricots. Bags. Jizz Generators. Bangers. Beans. Bean Bags. Bozack. Chicken Nuggets. Chin Ornaments. The Rocky Mountains. Chin Rests. Flesh Balloons. Giggle Berries.

Uranus’ Moons. Goolies. My Guys. Ala-Alas (Hawaii Pidgin). Hairy Danglers. Huevos. Jawbreakers. Sperm Spitters. Klackers. Knackers. Loins. Love Spuds. Man Ovaries. Marbles. Nadgers. Pebbles. Ping and Pong. Potatoes. Hell’s Bells.

Yams. Yarbles. Double Cocoons. Bits and Bytes. Boulders. Kintama (Japanese). Love Sack. Fleshy Christmas Ornaments. Right Nut/Left Nut. Love Bugs. Eier (German). Cherries. Man Purse. Grapes. Peaches. Gamete Givers. Juicy Fruits.

It’s hard to do an Impulsive Buy review about a product called the Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar without trying to weave every conceivable term for testicles in between words, sentences and paragraphs, like I’m trying to construct a quilt of synonyms. But just like building a quilt, intertwining testicle terms into a testimonial takes time, patience and the mind of a 15-year-old boy, all of which I no longer have. Instead, I combined the nut names into chewable bars, much like Planters did with the honey roasted peanuts, almonds, cashews and granola in their Triple Nut Big Nut Bar.

The nuts themselves aren’t bigger, just the bar itself, which the packaging claims to be 30% bigger than the leading nut and granola bar. Although it’s a chewy granola bar, I didn’t notice any granola while eating it. All I could taste were nuts in my mouth. But despite having almonds and cashews, all I could taste were the honey roasted peanuts, which bothered me.

Overall, the Triple Nut Big Nut Bar combines sweet and salty nicely and tastes good, if you really like peanuts.

Speaking of salty, here are more testicle terms for you to enjoy.

Fraggle Rocks. The Sag Bag. Grape Nuts. Baggy Sac. Fuzznugs. The Testis Twins. The OO in Tool. The House and Senate. Spunk Pumps. Taters. Teabags. Low Hanging Hairy Fruit. Underwear Monkeys. Coin Purse. The Eyes of the Taint.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 220 calories, 12 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 6 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, 7 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 110% vitamin E and 10% phosphorus.)

(Thanks to Twitter pals twobeerqueers, popstat, hexopod, OffHerCork, cheaplander, jen14221 and kembree for adding to the list of testicle names.)

Item: Planters Triple Nut Big Nut Bar
Price: FREE ($2.99 retail price for a 5-pack)
Size: 1.62 ounces
Purchased at: Given by Planters
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Combines sweet and salty nicely. Chewy. High in polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats. If you love peanuts, you’ll like this. Awesome source of vitamin E, whatever it does. Coming up with terms for testicles.
Cons: Can’t really taste the almonds and cashews. Didn’t notice the granola. Taking the time to construct a quilt of synonyms. The vast number of slang for testicles.