Oh if only my 900 Mhz cordless phone could talk, imagine the stories it could tell.
All the telemarketers trying to sign me up for credit cards, companies asking me to take a survey that they say ONLY takes 15 minutes (but takes 45 minutes), arguments with my parents about getting a job, 1-900 numbers I found on various restroom walls, and the wrong numbers I got from the girls Iâ€™ve met at bars, nightclubs, and bookstores.
Unfortunately, that phone died the other week, after five long years. I think it was itâ€™s time to go, but I also think it was probably tired of hearing me utter the words, â€œWhat are you wearing, baby doll?â€
So I needed a new phone, but I didnâ€™t want something fancy (i.e. expensive). I just needed a cordless phone that can handle the rigors of excessive $3.50-for-the-first-minute-and-$1.50-for-each-additional-minute phone calls.
To find that phone I went to everyoneâ€™s favorite small-business-destroying everyday-low-prices behemoth (shudder) and came out with the V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology, which has to be the most unappealing name for a product ever.
Okay, not as unappealing as Anna Nicole Smithâ€™s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit (Now With 25% More Skank).
So whatâ€™s so special about a 5.8 Ghz phone? I could go into detail using whatever words â€œsmart science peopleâ€ use, but Iâ€™d be boring you with big words like â€œspectrum,â€ â€œfrequency,â€ and â€œwavelength.â€
Instead, Iâ€™m just going to say that the â€œsmart science peopleâ€ state that 5.8 Ghz phone technology will increase sound quality, enhanced range, and heightened security.
One of the best things about the V-Tech phone is the speakerphone on the handset. It comes in pretty handy when you REALLY donâ€™t want to listen to someone talk.
Just place the handset on the table and let them ramble about how their boyfriend/girlfriend sucks, how crazy the shopping malls are, how theyâ€™re addicted to every CSI show, and how Scott Peterson should be put in the electric chair, while being given a lethal injection in a gas chamber with flesh-eating beetles.
While they jibber jabber, do whatever you want (eat, watch television, read blogs, or play with your Anna Nicole Smithâ€™s Fat Drunken Trailer Trash Whore Kit), but just remember to say every so often any of the following phrases. â€œYes.â€ â€œUh huh.â€ â€œOkay.â€ â€œThatâ€™s funny.â€ â€œSay what?â€ â€œNo way.â€ â€œThat bitch.â€ â€œWhat are you wearing, baby doll?â€
Despite other great things about the phone, like the LCD screen and the buttons that light up, there were a few things that bothered me about it. For starters, the battery gets really warm while charging. Also, the sound quality isnâ€™t that great because those who I talked to say I sound like Iâ€™m in a hallway.
Plus, thereâ€™s no speed dial. Instead thereâ€™s a phone book feature that allows you to scroll through the various numbers saved on the phone. This has been proven to be a pain when quickly scrolling through the phone book and accidentally dialing 1-900-BIG-BLND, when I really wanted 1-900-BIG-BRUN.
Thereâ€™s a big difference, you know.
Item: V-Tech 5821 Phone With 5.8 Ghz Technology
Purchase Price: $53.72 (Everyday Low Price)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Speakerphone on handset. LCD screen. Buttons that light up.
Cons: Battery gets warm when charging. When talking, it sounds like Iâ€™m in a hallway. No speed dial.