Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal

Carb Well Golden Crunch

You know how some people go through a traumatic experience and then totally forget about the incident because it was so traumatic? Well I think I experienced that with this Carb Well Golden Crunch cereal.

It all started one glorious morning when I opened the cupboard and noticed the box of Carb Well cereal. I remember buying it a long time ago, but I didn’t have a chance to eat it, thanks to a particular crappy cereal that doesn’t turn my milk chocolatey.

Since I had nothing else around to eat for breakfast, I decided to try it.

When I pulled the box down, I noticed that the box was open. Even the package inside was opened and sealed with a clothespin.

I thought it was strange, because I didn’t remember opening the box. I figured it must have been my roommate, but then I knew he never touches my food. I shrugged it off and poured myself a bowl.

As the golden nuggets poured into my bowl, I could smell sweetness of the Carb Well cereal. What makes this cereal special is the fact it has very little carbs (9 grams), a whole lot of protein (11 grams), and a bit of fiber (5 grams).

It smelled pretty good, so I assumed it would taste good.

Let me tell you, I couldn’t have been more wrong.

After I took that first spoonful of the Carb Well cereal, horrible memories that were repressed began spilling out of my subconscious. It all came back to me, all the memories of opening the box of Carb Well cereal and trying to eat a bowl two weeks earlier.

I remember the dryness of the cereal; the lack of taste; the way it seemed to soak up my saliva like sponges; the way I spit it out of my mouth; the pouring of what was left in my bowl down the drain and running the garbage disposal for a good minute to make sure the Carb Well cereal was dead; and wondering whether or not the dry dog food I once ate was worse tasting.

Oh, the horror! The horror! Mommy!

I guess I was so traumatized from the experience that I unconsciously just put the box of Carb Well cereal away and tucked away those memories deep into my mind.

After I calmed down from reliving those memories, I wanted to throw the rest of it away, but my cheap bastard side wouldn’t allow me waste the $2.50 I spent on it.

So I tried to overcome the blandness the best way that I could, by sprinkling sugar on top. It worked for Corn Flakes, Shredded Wheat, and Total, so I figured it would help.

However, with the Carb Well cereal, the sugar didn’t help at all.

For you Mary Poppins fans, I’ll explain it to you like this:

Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down
The Carb Well go down-wown
The Carb Well go down.
Many spoonfuls of sugar won’t help the Carb Well go down.
Not in a delightful way.

Editor’s Note: Originally, I had put down the Sound of Music, instead of Mary Poppins, because I am an idiot. Thanks to all the readers/Julie Andrews fans who pointed this out to me. I need sugar.

After I realized the sugar wouldn’t help, I decided I had to get rid of the Carb Well cereal or else it would haunt me forever. So I poured the rest of the box down the drain and killed them all with the garbage disposal.

Note to self: Do not be tempted by the prices of Reduced For Quick Sale items. Especially meat, poultry, and dairy items.

Item: Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal
Purchase Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: Low carbs and high protein. I might eat it if it were the last remaining food on Earth.
Cons: The horror! Oh, the horror! May cause traumatic experience. No amount of sugar will help with its taste.

18 thoughts to “Carb Well Golden Crunch Cereal”

  1. I think that tune was from Mary Poppins, not the Sound of Music. Anyway, I’ve never tried any low-carb cereal that was even remotely edible.

  2. I tried this stuff, too, and was horrified at how awful and pasty and just aughugahusgauguhugh (*scrapes tongue to remove remnants of cereal*) it was. *shudder* Even my 2-year-old wouldn’t eat it. 😉 I do like the Total Protein and the Special K For a Low-Carb Lifestyle (which needs a better name, stat) — they both just taste like good bran flakes or something. Yummy with some berries on top. :9

  3. I tasted this cereal once and I totally agree with you. But, hmm… I think those lyrics are ripped off from Mary Poppins and not the Sound of Music — they both have Julie Andrews in it though.

  4. Dammit, this is what happens when you watch 24 episodes of the TV show 24 in under 24 hours and not get enough sugar, you get your Julie Andrews movies mixed up. 🙁

  5. Either you changed it to Mary Poppins, or I am the only one seeing Mary Poppins while every else sees Sound of Music, in which case, I might need a doctor.

    This post was too funny. It its advertised as a healthy cereal – I won’t try it. It’s my rule of thumb. Must contain tons of sugar and NO Splenda.

  6. it doesn’t taste like your regular cereal but it sure tastes a heck of a lot better than the Atkins stuff that tastes like CARDBOARD BLEHHHHH!!!!

  7. I’ve never been into the whole fad diet thing. Quite honestly, I’m not a dieter at all. (my cholesterol levels can attest to it) I’m just a firm believer, if it’s good for you, it probably doesn’t taste that

  8. Thanks, now I have spoonfull of sugar stuck in my head forever, and I won’t be able to sleep tonight and it’s all your fault. Thanks.

  9. Well, having eaten Kashi (aka twigs) for the last 2 years (I love cereal, but am watching my calorie intake), Carbwell Cinnamon is a welcome change once every week or so.

    I never tried the original flavor, but the cinnamon isn’t quite so bad. Or maybe I have no taste left. 2 years of Kashi might do that to a girl.


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