How many of you remember the McDLT?
For those of you who werenâ€™t born yet, too young to remember, or have been boycotting McDonaldâ€™s because of their globalization efforts, the McDLT was a burger in a treehugger-gasping styrofoam container with two compartments.
This special container kept the â€œhot side hotâ€ and the â€œcool side cool,â€ which is the same way I like to separate my underwear. The â€œhotâ€ thongs and silk French-cut briefs go in one drawer and the â€œcoolâ€ boxers, boxer briefs, Underoos, and elephant trunk crotch briefs go in another drawer.
I donâ€™t know why McDonaldâ€™s got rid of McDLT.
Oh wait, I do know. It was a retarded idea.
Anyway, Burger King seemed to have jumped on the â€œhot side hot, cool side coolâ€ bandwagon about two decades late with their Tendercrisp Garden Salad. The cool side comes in the standard plastic bowl with a clear cover, while the hot side comes in a white plastic pouch.
Burger King calls this white plastic pouch, â€œThe Pouch,â€ which is the most unoriginal name since â€œThe Big Bulge,â€ which was the name I gave my elephant trunk crotch briefs.
The Tendercrisp Garden Salad contains hot chunks of breaded Tendercrisp chicken, which you pour from â€œThe Pouchâ€ on top of iceberg, Romaine, and spring lettuce, grape tomatoes, red onions, cucumbers, Parmesan cheese shavings, and garlic Parmesan toast (croutons). Then to top off all of that is a Garden Ranch dressing.
When I received my order, the salad came in a clear plastic bag specifically made for Burger King salads. It sort of made me feel special. Although I have to admit, clear plastic bags are great for fast food salads, but for privacy reason, bad for the dozens of boxes of condoms purchased for your neighborhood orgy.
After taking my first bite of the Tendercrisp Garden Salad, I realized I forgot an important lesson about ranch dressing and Burger King food.
Just like the lessons of love and good style, I have yet to learn the lesson of avoiding any Burger King item that uses ranch dressing, because it isnâ€™t very good. Iâ€™ve reviewed the Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch and the Angus Bacon Cheddar Ranch and in both reviews I found that the ranch dressing didnâ€™t have much taste.
The same can be said about the Garden Ranch dressing that came with the Tendercrisp Garden Salad.
Not even the plastic Burger King fork liked the salad. One of its prongs broke on one of the pieces of garlic Parmesan toast, which was probably the fork’s way of avoiding the salad.
Okay. Okay. The fork breaking was my fault, not the saladâ€™s.
Anyway, maybe the salad might have tasted better with another dressing, but with the Garden Ranch dressing, it wasnâ€™t very good.
Item: Burger King Tendercrisp Garden Salad
Purchase Price: $5.49
Rating: 2.5 out of 5
Pros: Wide variety of vegetables. Colorful. Separate pouch for chicken. Special clear plastic bag made for Burger King salads.
Cons: The garlic Parmesan toast broke my plastic fork. Cool Garden Ranch dressing wasnâ€™t very cool or very ranch-y. High sodium. High fat. The name â€œThe Pouch.â€ The name â€œThe Big Bulge.â€