XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink


(Editor’s Note: Last week, Impulsive Buy reader Muneer suggested I do a week of products dedicated to energy bars and drinks. I told Muneer it was a great idea and I was going to name it Energy Bar and Drink Week.

However, after drinking a Pimp Juice and letting the caffeine run through my bloodstream, I thought about it a little more and I really didn’t want to limit it to just energy bars and drinks, so I broadened the range of energy products and shortened the name to just Energy Week.

So welcome to Energy Week here at The Impulsive Buy. I hope that all the energy I consume will not make me bounce off of the walls or turn me into Richard Simmons. Enjoy.)

There are many people that scare me in this world, like Joe Jackson and anyone he has fathered, nicely dressed people who come to my door with a stack of pamphlets, Cowboy Troy, and anyone who says they’re a member of Amway.

When I meet people that scare me, I like to use the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique, which is almost exactly like the Stop, Drop, and Roll technique used when clothing catches on fire. However, instead of putting out fires, it makes scary people think I’m crazy and they leave me alone.

Recently, I was able to try the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink, which is distributed by Amway’s cuter, but just as annoying, little sister, Quixtar.

After drinking it, I have to say that the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is the most un-aggro energy drink ever. It has no caffeine, carbs, sugar, and apparently, it also has no balls.

Part of what makes a normal energy drink work for me is knowing mentally that the sweet, sweet stimulant of caffeine will be flowing through my bloodstream to provide me the lift needed to get through a possible future viewing of The Adventures of Shark Boy and Lava Girl in 3-D.

XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink is like the energy drink equivalent of the Clay Aiken, it’s not pretty to look at, it’s too skinny, and there are hundreds of options that are better.

Now as for the lack of caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink makes up for this with insane amounts of B vitamins, especially Vitamin B12. One can of this energy drink has 490 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

Oh wait, I’m sorry. That 490 percent is a mistake. It’s actually 4,900 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12.

To get an idea of how much Vitamin B12 that is, a cup of Cookie Crisp cereal has 25 percent of your daily value of Vitamin B12. So to reach 4,900 percent, I would have to eat 196 cups of Cookie Crisp, which turns out to equal about 18 boxes of Cookie Crisp, which also equals the amount needed for me to bathe in Cookie Crisp.

A lack of Vitamin B12 has been proven to cause soreness of the mouth or tongue. So if your significant other isn’t going down on you long enough due to a tired jaw or tongue, this energy drink is an excellent way to increase the amount of Vitamin B12 in their diet and perhaps cut down the time needed for you to put your hands on your partner’s head to prevent them from coming up.

Overall, the XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink doesn’t have a lot going for it. It lacks caffeine, carbs, sugar, and balls. It also has a weak fruity taste.

Although, it does look a lot like beer. Too bad it actually wasn’t beer.

Item: XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink
Purchase Price: FREE (Given by a friend)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: Looks like beer. Lots of Vitamin C. An xtremely overabundant source of Vitamin B12.
Cons: Weak fruity flavor. Zero sugar. Zero caffeine. Zero carbs. Only available through Quixtar IBOs (Independent Business Owners).

33 thoughts to “XS Caffeine-Free Tropical Blast Energy Drink”

  1. creepy.

    i’m looking forward to Energy Week. maybe i can somehow pick up some of your energy to help get me through the day at work. or i can just keep downing the chai tea – just the right amount of caffeine without the coffee jitters.

  2. Energy week right at the beginning of summer. Your timing is impeccable!

    Sounds like this is one I can skip. But I just gave up soda and caffeine (save for one lousy cup o joe in the morning.) I may change my mind in the near future!

  3. I love how you manage to work sex references into m=nearly all of your reviews. That takes talent, especailly since they are never forced. They just seem to fit in there. I had no clue B12 caused soreness of mouth or tongue. You are a neverending fountain of wisdom spewing facts I didn’t know I didn’t know. Thank you!

  4. I’ve had this and their other flavors and while the energy benefits are good.. the aftertaste is NASTY. Like you want to brush your teeth right after, and if you don’t that lingers for hours. I mean it doesn’t taste that great to begin with, why do I want it hanging around?

  5. So what else can you review besides drinks and bars? Energy week will be very interesting I am sure!!! I can’t wait to see what is next on the list. I just hope it is better tasting then this drink was. For your sake that is.

  6. Damn, B12….so THAT’S why I wasn’t getting any oral action…oh wait, I wasn’t getting any oral action because I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m too cheap to pay for prostitutes. Oh well. Hilarious review as usual, Marvo!

  7. “Only available through Quixtar IBOs (Independent Business Owners).”

    This should be in the “pros,” seeing as how the drink did so poorly. I’m all for making bad food harder to find.

  8. i have never understood energy drinks or any of the energy stuff it never works

  9. Out of curiosity I checked on this… “B12 has very low toxicity and high intakes are not thought to be dangerous.”

    Also… “Lactating women need extra B12 to ensure an adequate supply in breast milk.” So, if there’s any “activity” in that area, you’ll be prepared.

  10. So did this drink give you any energy? I’m so confused! No caffeine or sugar… where does the energy come from? B12? I think i’ll stick to Red Bull & Vodka (aka ”fuck start”) 🙂

  11. Megan – Actually, what’s wrong with chai tea? I’ve only had it once, but I think it’s really good stuff.

    nat – No soda and caffeine? Are you going to take shots of adrenaline to stay awake?

    Amy in GA – Some people say my ability to weave sex references into my writing is a gift. Some might say it’s a curse. I like to think of it as a byproduct of being single.

    Robin – Wait. Are you talking about Clay Aiken or the energy drink?

    Becky – Actually, I kind of like reviewing crappy tasting products because the reviews are easier to write and I get to belittle products.

  12. Chuck – Maybe you need more Vitamin B and more Vitamin J.

    Lucy – It’s also like Michael Jackson without his creepiness.

    tim otero – It’s so hard to put the names Quixtar and Amway on any “pros” list.

    graceless – Energy drinks work very well for me, but I’m easily influenced by caffeine.

    Jessica – Did you also know that you can get Vitamin B12 from dirt?

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – No, I didn’t feel energetic and I didn’t feel xtreme either. The energy comes from the herbs and vitamins in the energy drink. Mmm…Red Bull and Vodka, the elixir of tired alcoholics.

  13. these over-priced “energy” products don’t work. A great energy boost is a short nap and its free.

  14. I wish I could bathe in cookie crisp.

    I get all my energy drinks from the dollar store. They rock harder per ounce than soy milk.
    Oh yes.

  15. Damon – Actually, I’m surprised they didn’t call the drink XS B12 (get it ex-cess)

    Kent Tell – It’s funny that you say that because I call energy drinks “A Nap in a Can.”

    kt – I would think bathing in Cookie Crisp is much safer than bathing in Cocoa Pebbles because Cocoa Pebbles can get into places I don’t want Cocoa Pebbles to be.

  16. Hmmmmmmmmmm, with all of those B vitamins, it would make a hell of a hangover cure. Especially if it had electrolytes in it.

    Not that anyone should learn this from personal experience, but if you go the hospital with alcohol poisoning, they dose you on B vitamins, a painkiller that is safe for your liver (asprin, I think) and saline solution. They’ve assured me that I could make this concoction at home, substituting drinking gatorade for the saline bag.

  17. theinfamousj – Sorry, no electrolytes. Thanks for the information. It may come in handy if I decide to drink the entire bottle of Grey Goose vodka in my refrigerator.

  18. yes the infamousj I can say is correct being that I was a hospital employee for several years aspirin, gatorade, and vitamin B. is the correct concoction for a night of drinking. But for alcohol poisoning a trip to the hospital is necessary or severe liver damage can occur.

  19. Marvo, that paragraph about cutting down the time you need to keep your hands on your partner’s head to prevent them from coming back up was absolutely hilarious! You are a genius at finding the otherwise unexamined benefits of these products. I read your website every day, and you never fail to disappoint! Great writing!

  20. ” I would think bathing in Cookie Crisp is much safer than bathing in Cocoa Pebbles because Cocoa Pebbles can get into places I don’t want Cocoa Pebbles to be.”
    OH, GEEZ.
    The mental images and the trip to the doctor to fix the problem!

    You’ve probably just given me nightmares about coco puffs.. aye!

  21. Marvo , Laura stated you never fail to disappoint I would have to disagree. I enjoy your blog and read it daily.You took her comment as a compliment So I hope you are not offended when I say you never fail to entertain

  22. kt – Although I wonder if the Snap, Crackle, and Pop or Rice Krispies would feel good?

    Kent Tell – Oh man, the pressure. That’s it! I’m gonna have to fail you and Laura someday. 🙂 Thanks for the compliment.

  23. You know I never thought of it like that. I mean I like when you review crappy tasting products because they are pretty funny, I just hate to see what your poor taste buds have to go through.

  24. Becky – My taste buds continue to work hard. Hopefully they won’t stop working, but if they do, I can finally eat Brussel sprouts without gagging.

  25. Tropical? Personally, sounds kinda nasty. Too bad I’m far too lazy to try and order one.

  26. Whoops… you’re right. I meant you never disappoint! Or you never fail to entertain. Take your pick!

  27. I have tied these drinks and so have alot of my friends… you are wrong about the caffine.. they have drinks with and without caffine… I think the taste delightful and continue to buy them every two weeks along with other people who love them also… I think if you are going to do research on something then you really need to tell the people the whole story… And yes they give me energy to… the B vitamins in the drink is what gives you energy or did you know that B vitamins give you energy? hmmm… You do not have to have caffine to give you energy there are natural products that will do the same thing and not hurt you body…

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