REVIEW: Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep Sea Water

I’ve never been down into the depths of the deep-sea, so I’m not too sure what’s down there.

Although from watching Finding Nemo, watching various Discovery Channel shows, and reading various issues of National Geographic (the boring issues without sagging topless women from African tribes), I think I might have an idea to what’s down there.

Apparently, there are creepy-looking fish with spikes and frickin’ huge teeth, Davey Jones’ Locker, pirate treasure, the Titanic, and lots and lots of whale and fish poop.

But who would’ve known that the deep-sea would also contain vast amounts of healthy, pure, mineral-rich drinking water. Maybe if I visited, I would’ve known, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to tell anyone since my head would’ve exploded from the pressure of being at that depth.

Recently, I was able to try the Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep-Sea Water, which is pumped from 2,000 feet below the surface of the ocean and then desalinized, filtered, and bottled on the Kona Coast of the Big Island.

As you can see from the bottle, it’s printed in Japanese, because apparently desalinized deep-sea water is REALLY big in Japan.

Although I’m not surprised by this because Japan is a country known for their eccentric products, like the boyfriend arm pillow and the girlfriend knee pillow (NSFW).

According to Koyo, the deep-sea water contains ionized sodium, ionized chlorine, magnesium and calcium, which can help with everything from metabolism to circulation. This means the deep-sea water could help people lose weight and, for us guys, help give us boners.

Now you would think that I would love this deep-sea water because the name Marvo means “sea lover” in some ancient language.

Although, I don’t know whether “sea lover” means that I love the sea platonically, or if I enjoy getting it on with the sea.

I REALLY hope that it doesn’t mean I enjoy getting it on with the sea, because thanks to my near drowning experience while bodyboarding at Hapuna Beach, I now know that the sea likes it rough and kinky, and the sea apparently has some weird sexual asphyxiation fetish.

Sorry, but that’s a little too kinky…even for me.

Anyway, the Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep-Sea Water has a very, very faint salty taste and it seemed more crisp compared with typical bottled water from mountain springs. However, I don’t know if I would be willing to spend four to six dollars for a 1.5 liter bottle of it, and I highly doubt I would be willing to fly to Japan to pick some up, since it’s only available there.

Although, I am in need of a girlfriend knee pillow.

Item: Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep-Sea Water
Purchase Price: FREE (Retails for $4 – $6 in Japan for a 1.5 liter bottle)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Crisp and refreshing. Mineral-rich. May help with circulation and metabolism. Girlfriend knee pillow.
Cons: Pricey. Only available in Japan, although it might be available in the United States in the future. The sea likes it rough and kinky. My excessive use of paragraphs that begin with an A-word.

26 thoughts to “REVIEW: Koyo Ma Ha Lo Deep Sea Water”

  1. I think getting it on with the sea would be exhausting after a while…face it, the ocean is so big that it could care less if you get off or not. Plus there’s the danger of motion sickness, drowning, and shark attacks. So I would say, drink the pricey water if you must, but don’t commit to anything more than a one-night stand.

  2. Hey, on the whole, “sea lover” is better than “dolphin lover”, I’ve seen that website and it’s not cool. I doubt I’ll be drinking sea water anytime soon, my early experiences with the ocean have forced enough of it down my throat.

  3. **insert some type of “motion of the ocean” comment here**

    and eewww… Ocean water has fish poo in it.

    /loves her brita filter

  4. Yea fish poop is definitely a turn off! Dont you hate it when you find it in shrimp?! Its gross! Could you imagine having it floating around in your bottled water!? Yuck!!! Hehe… I’ll stick to Dasani water 🙂

  5. Didn’t even notice your A-Word Paragraphs Until You said something.

    I Think Ill Have To Pass On This Water….lol

  6. So did you give away all the remaining mint condoms? Are did you save some for your next encounter with the sea? Also I suppose you can never roll her in flour to find the wet spot.

  7. OOps what I meant to say was. The good thing about being a sea lover is never having difficulty locating the wet spot 🙂

  8. Wow, that’s dang expensive for water… Hm, i need to get my kona relatives to check it out, maybe they can snag some samples.

  9. Chuck – The ocean may be big, but you know what they say, “More cushion for the pushin’.”

    Ayesha97 – Don’t worry I’ll have protection.

    Lucy – I think they’ll make a robot that can run a quasi-product review blog. Then I’ll be obsolete. 🙁

    Genny from the Burbs – Even if I was a dolphin lover, they are so smart that they can tell I’m a no-good loser. 🙁

    kt – Hey! The entire ocean is one big toilet for sea animals and they also don’t flush.

  10. Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, I’m allergic to shrimp. I break out into hives and pass out. It’s much like reaction I get when I hear foreign folk music.

    Damon – Actually, I noticed I like to begin paragraphs with the words “apparently,” “although,” and “actually.”

    Kent – Another bad thing about the sea is that she doesn’t give me space. Wherever i go on this island, she’s always around. I don’t think she trusts me. Why is she smothering me!?!

    Bryan – You should have your Kona relative snag you some Kona Coffee, because that’s really expensive stuff.

  11. Healthy? Maybe. Mineral-rich? Definitely. Pure? Hardly. Maybe the 2000 feet mark is just below a density gradient, leaving the “marine snow” (look it up) layer above where the water is collected. Any idea if they collect the water from a ship or is there a platform somewhere in the ocean?

  12. nat – I think you’re right. So I think we should boycott water. Can’t humans live without water for about 90 days. Heck, if we eat the right foods, like watermelon, we won’t need water.

    klew – Actually, I believe they pump the water from the land facilities. Anyway, I also didn’t believe when I read that the water was pure, because the deep sea is where all the whale and fish poop are.

  13. If the sea likes it rough and kinky, then the sea is my kind of girl. Can’t sat I’m too hot for the asphyxiation thing, tho =\

  14. Ken – You and I should switch names or I should just change my name to what I’ve always wanted my name to be…Zeus.

  15. Hey, you enabled Gravatars just as I was in the process of getting mine aproved. Awesome job, Marvo.

    Oh, and about the deep sea water: sure, I love the sea (regular body boarder, T STREET, SAN CLEMENTE FOREVER), but I don’t think I’d drink salty water unless it was to rid myself of a stomach problem, such as the runs.

  16. Oh, to add, I too like beginning paragraphs with “A” words…. especially whence writing novels.

    I also like double posting. I need to stop doing that here…. me need edit button.

  17. Josh – It was once called the world’s best beach, but ever since they built the hotel at one end, it hasn’t seemed the same.

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