Donating Blood


(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is sort of like a public service announcement, except with possible sexual references, maybe a couple of stale Ben Affleck or Clay Aiken jokes, use of the words “bodily fluids,” followed by adolescent giggles, and without the words “the more you know” or “knowing is half the battle.”)

Oh how I wish I could share bodily fluids with someone else in a normal way. Instead of sucking faces or doing the horizontal mambo, the only way I get to share my bodily fluids with someone is by donating my blood.

Recently, I donated blood for the fifth time, which is more than the total amount of times I’ve sucked face or did the horizontal mambo. It was a last minute kind of thing because I felt with all the evil I’ve been up to, I needed to do some good in the world and feel warm and fuzzy inside.

So what evil have I done? Let me just say, “Every time you masturbate…God kills a kitten,” and I think I’m going to be the reason why Bob Barker stops telling people to get their pets spayed or neutered.

Anyway, I’ve only been donating for about a year and a half, because for a long time I was scared to donate blood. But I think a lot of people are scared for various reasons, like:

(1) They don’t like a needle being poked into their arm, unless it involves heroin.

(2) The sight of blood makes them faint or turns them into evil, hungry vampires.

(3) They fear a test of their blood sample will show that they’re the long lost Jackson family sibling named, Ragu.

Needles were the reason why I was scared to donate blood. I used to think extracting blood was a painful procedure done with unnecessarily long needles, which I imagined in my mind looked very similar to those used in acupuncture.

It took a coupon for a free pint of Baskin & Robbins ice cream that my local blood bank was offering to convince me to finally donate a pint of my blood. That first donation dispelled any beliefs I had about long needles and being turned into an evil, hungry vampire.

The entire process usually takes less than an hour, but the actual blood donation takes about five to eight minutes. Most of the time is spent filling out a questionnaire, having a short interview to find out if you qualify to donate, and checking out the cute blood donation technicians and wondering if the following pick up line will work, “Hey, baby! Wanna swap bodily fluids with me later?”

When it comes to inserting the needle into your body, it isn’t painful. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s not even close to being as bad as I-Saw-Grandma-Naked uncomfortable. If you want to know what it feels like, just pinch yourself hard somewhere on your inner arm for about two seconds, or let your sadistic lover wearing the leather mask do it for you.

See, it wasn’t bad.

Now I hate needles, so when they’re about to stick the needle into me, I turn my head away, like I do when I pass by panhandlers, homeless people, and women offering a good time for twenty dollars.

After they get the needle into your arm, you are given something to squeeze with your hand, like a stress ball, which helps pump the blood out. Although I really wish I had the option to squeeze the hand of one of the cute blood donation technicians or Lindsay Lohan’s boobs, just to find out if they’re real.

When they’ve tapped you for a pint, they’ll put a gauze bandage on your arm, tell you to rest for about five minutes, and give you something to drink, like water or juice, to help replenish the fluids you’ve lost. If they don’t offer you anything, call them “cheap bastards,” and get yourself something to drink and eat ASAP.

After you donate blood, you might feel a little lightheaded, but that’s just the warm and fuzzy feeling inside you, which is starting from your head and working its way down. It’s just making you feel good about yourself because the blood you just donated will probably help save another human being and not be used to feed vampires.

Item: Donating Blood
Purchase Price: FREE
Rating: 4.5 out of 5
Pros: Possible free food and drink after donating. Makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Cute blood donation technicians.
Cons: Insertion of needle is slightly uncomfortable. My lame blood donation technicians pick up line. Not everyone can donate blood.

48 thoughts to “Donating Blood”

  1. Shelby – The second time I donated blood, I got a sticker that said, “I gave blood, give me a hug.” I asked around for hugs and I got two of the female student volunteers to hug me. Does that count as a threesome?

  2. I find the needle stick a bit painful, but hey…it needs to be done. They love to hunt me down, BTW. I’ve got B-negative, and there’s another factor I’m negative for (I keep forgetting the flipping name) that makes my blood safe for children (assuming I’m not dosed up on Tylenol Flu or something). They’ve got my cell number, actually, so they can find me more easily. This is important because my short-term memory sucks. I’d get the message on my home phone (a couple of days after it was left), and then forget it was there. My better half mentioned that it’d be bad for me if the Blood Bank is run by vampires, because if that’s the case, I must taste real good. It’s good to donate blood, in any case.

  3. Hairball – No, the Blood Bank isn’t run by vampires. I went to the Blood Bank for a job interview recently and all the window shades were open. Nobody was melting from the sun’s rays, so I don’t think there aren’t any vampires.

  4. regular donor here. lost my status due to travel once. For a YEAR! I thought I’d die. I get rejuvenated giving blood. I’m also on the marrow donor list and hope I’m called someday… what could be finer than saving someone’s life?

  5. elsa – I think giving blood is good community service, it sure is easier than picking up trash on the side of the road.

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