Listerine Whitening

Listerine Whitening

(Editor’s Note: Today’s product was requested by Impulsive Buy reader Seth, who twice had the urge to buy today’s product, but felt it would be better (and cheaper for him) if the Impulsive Buy tested it first. Enjoy.)

I would like to thank Listerine for increasing my time spent in the bathroom each morning.

Before it was manageable, but thanks to Listerine Whitening, I now have to get up a little earlier to be able to do all the things I need to do in the bathroom. Sure it’s only a minute more, but that minute spent asleep could mean making out or not making out with Martha Stewart in my dreams.

And nobody wants to be around me in the morning when I don’t get to make out with M. Diddy.

Anyway, I wish my mornings were as easy as it was in college, when taking a shot of Listerine and swishing it around for thirty seconds was all I needed to do to get ready in the morning.

Back in college, I could grow my beard out, I didn’t have to floss, I could shower every other day, and I didn’t have to trim nose hairs because they just blended in with my beard.

But now I’m an “adult” and I’m not homeless, so I have to do these things. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my college days, because my morning ritual has gotten ridiculous. Here’s what I have to do every morning:

Step 1: We can have lots of fun.

Step 2: There’s so much we can do.

Step 3: It’s just you and me…

Oh crap! Those are the lyrics from the New Kids on the Block song Step By Step.

Dammit! Let’s start over.

Step 1: Swish around Listerine Whitening – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 2: Brush teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 3: Floss teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 4: Swish around regular Listerine – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Step 5: Scrape tongue with spoon – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 6: Wait for gagging caused by scraping tongue to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 7: Wash face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 8: Exfoliate face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 9: Practice in the mirror latest pick up line, “Hi, my name is Marvo, but my friends call me Curious George and I’m curious to see what’s under that dress.” – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 10: Trim nose hairs – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 11: Trim ear hairs – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 12: Turn unibrow into two distinguishable eyebrows – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 13: Shave face – Time Spent: 7 minutes

Step 14: Shave balls – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 15: Give my handlebar mustache a Rollie Fingers twirl – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 16: Put on hair gel and sculpt hair to desired look – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 17: Trim and shape muttonchop sideburns – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 18: Trim nipple hair – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 19: Clean belly button – Time Spent: 15 seconds

Step 20: Smell finger after cleaning belly button – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 21: Wait for gagging from smelling finger after cleaning belly button to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 22: Wash hands to get rid of belly button smell – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 23: Spray on cologne – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 24: Put on deodorant – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 25: Say three times in the mirror my daily affirmation, “I’m hot on the outside and cool on the inside. Yahtzee!” – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Total Time Spent: 38 minutes 45 seconds

As you can see, my mornings are crazy.

I’ve been thinking about taking steps out, like exfoliating my face and cleaning my belly button, but I also think I could take out swishing with Listerine Whitening because it doesn’t seem to be doing what it’s supposed to do.

The foam that’s created by swishing it around makes me think it’s doing something and even after I spit it out, it continues to foam in my mouth. But I think the only thing that foaming is good for is pretending to be a rabid dog.

After three weeks of use, I haven’t seen any difference in my teeth, and I’ve been using it with a “whitening” toothpaste.

Perhaps Listerine Whitening would be better for those who already have white teeth to maintain their teeth’s whiteness.

Well at least this is the only Listerine that doesn’t burn like you’re drinking Lucifer’s breast milk.


Item: Listerine Whitening
Purchase Price: $7.54
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: May help with maintaining whiteness. No typical Listerine burn. Kills germs that cause bad breath.
Cons: More expensive than regular Listerine. Doesn’t work with whitening my teeth. My excessive morning ritual. My unibrow.

48 thoughts to “Listerine Whitening”

  1. rfduck – It’s a forest down there. 🙂

    Anonymous – Dude, I removed the link in your comment. Please don’t try to sell your eBay stuff in the comments.

  2. You must be one hairy guy if evry morning you have to trim nose hairs, and tend unibrows, and pluck nipple hair, and shave balls. Damn, I’d have thought you could have at least gone with a once a week approach. maybe the Veet should be used on the unibrow and other places to remove hair for a quicker morning time?

  3. Amy in GA – I don’t know if you remember Cousin It from the TV show The Addams Family, but if you do, I’m slightly less hair than Cousin It. 🙁

    birdwoman – I figure if I gotta do all of this crap in the morning, I might as well throw in flossing.

  4. Just thought I would give everyone a head’s up on this product. I have had two friends at work try it, and both had a bad reaction to this mouthwash. One of them got a chemical burn on her gums from it. I would say consult your dentist before using. It is super strong stuff!

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