Listerine Whitening

Listerine Whitening

(Editor’s Note: Today’s product was requested by Impulsive Buy reader Seth, who twice had the urge to buy today’s product, but felt it would be better (and cheaper for him) if the Impulsive Buy tested it first. Enjoy.)

I would like to thank Listerine for increasing my time spent in the bathroom each morning.

Before it was manageable, but thanks to Listerine Whitening, I now have to get up a little earlier to be able to do all the things I need to do in the bathroom. Sure it’s only a minute more, but that minute spent asleep could mean making out or not making out with Martha Stewart in my dreams.

And nobody wants to be around me in the morning when I don’t get to make out with M. Diddy.

Anyway, I wish my mornings were as easy as it was in college, when taking a shot of Listerine and swishing it around for thirty seconds was all I needed to do to get ready in the morning.

Back in college, I could grow my beard out, I didn’t have to floss, I could shower every other day, and I didn’t have to trim nose hairs because they just blended in with my beard.

But now I’m an “adult” and I’m not homeless, so I have to do these things. Sometimes I wish I could go back to my college days, because my morning ritual has gotten ridiculous. Here’s what I have to do every morning:

Step 1: We can have lots of fun.

Step 2: There’s so much we can do.

Step 3: It’s just you and me…

Oh crap! Those are the lyrics from the New Kids on the Block song Step By Step.

Dammit! Let’s start over.

Step 1: Swish around Listerine Whitening – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 2: Brush teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 3: Floss teeth – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 4: Swish around regular Listerine – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Step 5: Scrape tongue with spoon – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 6: Wait for gagging caused by scraping tongue to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 7: Wash face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 8: Exfoliate face – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 9: Practice in the mirror latest pick up line, “Hi, my name is Marvo, but my friends call me Curious George and I’m curious to see what’s under that dress.” – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 10: Trim nose hairs – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 11: Trim ear hairs – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 12: Turn unibrow into two distinguishable eyebrows – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 13: Shave face – Time Spent: 7 minutes

Step 14: Shave balls – Time Spent: 5 minutes

Step 15: Give my handlebar mustache a Rollie Fingers twirl – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 16: Put on hair gel and sculpt hair to desired look – Time Spent: 3 minutes

Step 17: Trim and shape muttonchop sideburns – Time Spent: 2 minutes

Step 18: Trim nipple hair – Time Spent: 1 minute

Step 19: Clean belly button – Time Spent: 15 seconds

Step 20: Smell finger after cleaning belly button – Time Spent: 5 seconds

Step 21: Wait for gagging from smelling finger after cleaning belly button to stop – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 22: Wash hands to get rid of belly button smell – Time Spent: 20 seconds

Step 23: Spray on cologne – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 24: Put on deodorant – Time Spent: 10 seconds

Step 25: Say three times in the mirror my daily affirmation, “I’m hot on the outside and cool on the inside. Yahtzee!” – Time Spent: 30 seconds

Total Time Spent: 38 minutes 45 seconds

As you can see, my mornings are crazy.

I’ve been thinking about taking steps out, like exfoliating my face and cleaning my belly button, but I also think I could take out swishing with Listerine Whitening because it doesn’t seem to be doing what it’s supposed to do.

The foam that’s created by swishing it around makes me think it’s doing something and even after I spit it out, it continues to foam in my mouth. But I think the only thing that foaming is good for is pretending to be a rabid dog.

After three weeks of use, I haven’t seen any difference in my teeth, and I’ve been using it with a “whitening” toothpaste.

Perhaps Listerine Whitening would be better for those who already have white teeth to maintain their teeth’s whiteness.

Well at least this is the only Listerine that doesn’t burn like you’re drinking Lucifer’s breast milk.

Item: Listerine Whitening
Purchase Price: $7.54
Rating: 1.5 out of 5
Pros: May help with maintaining whiteness. No typical Listerine burn. Kills germs that cause bad breath.
Cons: More expensive than regular Listerine. Doesn’t work with whitening my teeth. My excessive morning ritual. My unibrow.

48 thoughts to “Listerine Whitening”

  1. I did the full-blown go to the dentist, get molds made, and wear whitening gel for two weeks thing one time…and that only slightly whitened my teeth…so I’m not surprised that this didn’t work in the “whitening” area. I generally use a generic version of Listerine (Citrus flavor) which I first tried after your review of Citrus Listerine, and that is much better tasting than the original, even if it still burns. But hey, it’s a much milder burn than the habanero jerky caused.

  2. another con would be your belly button smell….why/how does it smell? i never noticed anything in mine…hmmm
    and i hope u wash those spoons really well before guests come over….but i doubt that happens a lot, eh marvo?

  3. Haha… I love your curious George pick up line! Its soooo cheesy that I think I’d stick around to talk to a guy if they said that! hehe.

    So does the Listerine bottle say how long it takes to whiten teeth? Maybe it takes like 6 weeks or something…. maybe you haven’t given it enough time? You should keep using it and give us an update in a few more weeks! Thanks Marvo, ur the best!

  4. Marvo, you are so funny!!

    What does the Listerine Whitening taste like? I’m sure it’s got peroxide in it, hence the foaming, and usually stuff with peroxide tastes nasty.

  5. Didn’t the banana deep throating a few weeks ago teach you anything about gagging? If you can deep throat a banana surely you can scrape your tongue with a spoon without gagging! Anyway, my dentist told me that the over the counter dental anything products don’t work, except for tartar control products. The others are just marketing hype. Don’t fall for it, Marvo!

  6. I’m impressed that you know NKOTB lyrics… (and then almost disappointed that you didn’t continue….)

    You are quite amusing…

  7. so did it have a funny taste from the whitening? i dont know i could trust listerine without the burn. the burn always made me think it’s working.

  8. Great Review!

    I Think You Could “SHAVE” Off A few minutes if you didn’t have to shave your ball hair and hairy nipples every morning!

  9. You better believe a unibrow is a con…. damn, my brother had one at one time…. he thought it was cool. Ah… I’d rather buy Crest Whitestrps than Listerine….. Listerine once turned me into a slave, but not again.

  10. Lucy – What? Hey, I’d love Martha to “tuck me in at night.” 😉

    Chuck – I think the original medicine tasting Listerine has the same burning abilities as the habanero jerky.

    caitlin – Lint seems to get trapped in my belly button. It’s like a lint magnet. As for my spoons, I have a designated tongue scraping spoon, so guests get clean tongue gunk free spoons. But it’s not the spoons they should be worried about. 😉

    caitlin – I dunno, but your pic looks normal to me.

    Mir – Yes, I said, mixing butter and peanuts will not get you peanut butter.

    Ultimate Best Vamp Ever – Nope, the bottle doesn’t say anything about how long it should take to see results. But after three weeks of use, in the morning and at night, I should be able to see some results. If Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes can become engaged after two months, then I should see some changes in my teeth after three weeks. 😉

    rockymtnhi – It has a dull minty taste. It sort of reminds me of really cheap and crappy toothpaste, like Aim. Also, it does have peroxide in it.

  11. I love listerine burn! I don’t know why people hate it so much.

    It makes me salivate after I’m done.
    Mmmm, listerine spit. 🙂

  12. Pel – I have to fall for it, because that’s just my nature. I can’t help it if I’m the editor of a quasi-product review blog.

    Ayesha97 – You know what would be more impressive? If I also knew the dance moves to the song.

    megan – The taste was kind of weird, yet familiar. It was like I was using a really cheap and crappy toothpaste, like Aim.

    Damon – Well during the summer I trim them, but during the winter, when it’s cold, I like to let them grow out to keep my balls and nipples warm.

    Wench – Yeah, it takes me five seconds. I do one of those quick smells, then pull my finger away. Then I do another quick smell and pull my finger away. Then I take a good whiff and then begin gagging.

    Brandon – Those Crest Whitestrips seem to work pretty well. I’ve been thinking about trying them, but I decided to follow the advice of the late Mitch Hedberg, “I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I’ll just get a tan instead.”

  13. Marvo, I’m another reader who’s impressed that you know the words to “Step By Step”. Sadly, I do have some faint recollections of the dance steps to that song…

  14. You don’t shave your excess body hair when it gets COLD? In Hawaii? I thought it never got cold there. You want to see some TRUE cold in the wintertime, come visit Wisconsin in January.

  15. “I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I’ll just get a tan instead.”

    LOL…. a review of the Crest Whitestrips (albiet it would take a week or so to review) would be cool, especially with sarcasm involved.


    “Found those Cherry Bombs yet? :P”

  16. “I was gonna get my teeth whitened, but I said screw that, I’ll just get a tan instead.”

    Mitch Hedberg Was A Great man.

  17. KT – Actually, for me it dries out my mouth, but at least I have a dry minty mouth.

    Toni – My sister had the NKOTB cassette tape and I swear she played it all the time. I guess through repetition I learned the lyrics. I’m so glad my dad didn’t play Neil Diamond records all the time.

    Chuck – Hey! It gets into the low 60s…sometimes. Also, if you go into the refrigerated shelves at a supermarket, it gets down into the 40s.

    Muneer – I’ve always thought about cleaning my belly button with a Q-Tip, but I’m afraid it might get stuck, or my belly button might eat it.

    Brandon – I’ve looked at Wal-Mart and other store, but I haven’t seen them. I expect them to arrive someday, since they do come over on a boat.

    Damon – Yes, he was a very, very funny man.

  18. Lucifer’s Breast Milk.

    Very descriptive marvo, but I really, really don’t want to know why you know what it tastes like.

  19. ~Moi~ – Let’s just say for becoming a quasi-product review blog editor I had to sell my soul and you know when you meet the mob boss, you got to kiss his ring, um, with Lucifer you gotta kiss something else.

  20. It was a sarcastic question Marvo…. you live in Hawaii, I don’t expect them to get over there for at least a month…. LOL.

    “Eh, I’m gonna watch television. Don’t mind me.”

  21. Your unibrow and ball hair grow back fully in a day that you would need to shave it all again each day? I don’t recall if you’ve tested Rogaine, but maybe all the girly products have had some effect.

  22. marit – Sorry about the 5 bucks. Maybe you can find another use for the Listerine Whitening, like killing weeds or keeping away creepy guys, like a can of pepper spray.

    Brandon – Mint Kit Kats…Sounds good. I’ll just wait for a month and then pick them up.

    klew – Didn’t you read the Veet Razera review? The hair on my legs started to grow back the next day. The same can be said of my unibrow and ball hair.

  23. Seth – Yup, that’s you and I don’t know why Captain D’s isn’t in my state. We had a Captain C(ook), but we killed him in 1779.

    Jobetta – Was it a good nostalgic memory or a bad one? Because with most women I give them bad nostalgic memories.

    Webmiztris – But Dane Cook slays you more. Now go buy his new album.

  24. Holy christ, your morning rocks. I wish I was as organized as you marvo. I have a new goal in life.

  25. Ken – My mornings so don’t rock. Have you ever tried shaving your balls while half awake? It’s not fun. 🙁

  26. i also dream of having martha stewart tuck me in. notice how we have so much in common?

  27. I figured out why it foams weirdly. Its active ingredient is hydrogen peroxide, which supposedly whitens teeth.. I once washed my mouth out with the normal kind you buy in bottles in the drugstore (long story), and it caused that same weird fizzing feeling, only about a hundred times worse.

  28. missy – Oh when I say “tuck me in,” I don’t mean it literally, I mean the sexual position “tuck me in.” I’d explain it but it’s complex with knots and body angles.

    Josh – Oh man, hydrogen peroxide would be even better to use to pretend I’m a rabid dog. Thanks for the tip!

  29. The foaminess of this whitening rinse can be simulated by swishing with hydrogen peroxide or glyoxide

    Mistletoe for sale (don’t eat it)

  30. rfduck – It’s a forest down there. 🙂

    Anonymous – Dude, I removed the link in your comment. Please don’t try to sell your eBay stuff in the comments.

  31. You must be one hairy guy if evry morning you have to trim nose hairs, and tend unibrows, and pluck nipple hair, and shave balls. Damn, I’d have thought you could have at least gone with a once a week approach. maybe the Veet should be used on the unibrow and other places to remove hair for a quicker morning time?

  32. Amy in GA – I don’t know if you remember Cousin It from the TV show The Addams Family, but if you do, I’m slightly less hair than Cousin It. 🙁

    birdwoman – I figure if I gotta do all of this crap in the morning, I might as well throw in flossing.

  33. Just thought I would give everyone a head’s up on this product. I have had two friends at work try it, and both had a bad reaction to this mouthwash. One of them got a chemical burn on her gums from it. I would say consult your dentist before using. It is super strong stuff!

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