Cheap Ass Bath Towels

One of the great things about bath towels is the fact that they’re multi-taskers. However, most of you may not realize the multitude of things you can do with bath towels.

Most of us use them to dry ourselves off after coming out of the shower. However, homeless people use them as blankets, bullies use them to whip the nerd and geeks in the shower, and former presidential candidate Bob Dole uses wet bath towels to test his boner strength after taking Viagra.

A few months ago, I was in need of some new sets of bath towels, because my old sets were…Um, old. Let me put it this way, my towels were so old that the washing instructions on the labels had faded away.

At first, I felt uncomfortable about going bath towel shopping because it seemed like something you should do with that special woman. It’s on the same level as thinking about what you’ll name your kids, deciding to have either a joint or separate checking accounts, or deciding who will take the dominant and submissive roles in your sado-masochistic sexual fantasies.

Unfortunately, being the bachelor that I am, I couldn’t share this occasion with that special woman, but I really needed new towels.

The first place I went to look for bath towels was the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named. They had a wide selection of towels, but I wasn’t sure if I was willing to pay $6 to $8 dollars for ONE FRICKIN’ towel.

They can sell DVD players for thirty dollars, but they can’t sell bath towels for four bucks? Rollback prices, my ass!

Anyway the next place I decided to check out was Kmart, the home of Martha “M. Diddy” Stewart’s Everyday collection. However, despite my belief that Martha is a total MILF and my desire to “put my loaf of bread into her hot oven,” I couldn’t buy her towels, because they’re expensive and according to several Impulsive Buy readers, they suck.

So I eventually ended up at Sears.

Yes, Sears. The same Sears that has brought us Craftsman tools, Kenmore appliances, and where my parents used to purchase the husky clothing I needed as a child. Now it’s also where I found Cheap Ass Bath Towels.

Okay, they’re not called Cheap Ass Bath Towels, they’re actually labeled New Traditions Bath Collection and they’re exclusively sold at Sears. Anyway, the REGULAR PRICE for these towels was $2.99 for a bath towel and $2.49 for a hand towel.

They weren’t just cheap, they were almost child sweat shop cheap.

(Editor’s Note: Yes, I too am wondering why the hand towel, which is one-third of the size of the bath towel, isn’t one-third the price of the bath towel.)

However, with all really cheap items there will always be some shortcomings.

For example, the New Traditions Bath Towels are slightly smaller than other bath towels. It measures two feet in width and four feet in length. It’s width is about four inches less and it’s height is about six inches less than my roommate’s towel, which he got from the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

If I was Shaquille O’Neal, the size of the towel would matter, but I’m roughly the size of Shaq’s leg, so it doesn’t matter to me.

Another thing about these towels is the fact they aren’t as thick as most towels. However, this helps the towel dry faster to prevent funky smells from forming.

If size doesn’t matter to you, I’d suggest the New Traditions Bath Towels. They are so cheap that it’s almost like you stole them from a hotel, from a homeless person, or off of Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

Item: New Traditions Bath Towels
Purchase Price: $2.99 (bath towel) $2.49 (hand towel)
Rating: 3.5 out of 5
Pros: Frickin’ cheap ass towels! Variety of colors. Made in the USA. Viagra.
Cons: Exclusively sold by Sears. Slightly smaller than most towels. Stealing from homeless people. Bob Dole’s Viagra induced wang.

35 thoughts to “Cheap Ass Bath Towels”

  1. Toni – Well, I’m sure Ralph Lauren thinks his Ralph Lauren towels are cheap, but then again Ralph Lauren probably thinks spending $100,000 on a Mercedes is also cheap.

    cybele – With all towels, I really don’t want to spend much because I going to have to throw them away within a year anyway. I heard it wasn’t too sanitary to keep towels for more than a couple of years.

    Diana – The thing about the price of these towels is that they are sooo cheap that when I’m done with them, I don’t have to wash them, I can just throw them away and buy new ones. They’re like really expensive paper towels.

    Damon – Sears has thicker towels for $3.99, but I don’t know if they are bigger than these.

    jin hamasaki – NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! Damn you, Target!!!!! Damn you for not building a store here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. DAMN YOU!!!

    laina – Cheap towels do ROCK!!! They rock hard!!!

  2. hilarious review. by the way, i feel your pain. not only are there no targets over here across the pond, doesnt ship to APOs. but i miss them so!

  3. My partner and I had a committment ceremony this summer and registered for mid-priced towels at Bed Bath and Beyond and Target. We got some of both and I have to say, the Target towels are much better, and cheaper. They have retained their softness and absorbency, the colors haven’t run, and they haven’t shrunk up. I guess, living in Kansas, we could theoretically find Bob Dole and test them on his Viagra-induced wang, but honestly, I don’t want to do that. I don’t think he would be too happy either.

  4. the big towels are actually bath sheets. Used to confuse me because sheets obviously aren’t towels, unless they but the bath in there. Targets has some okay priced ones, but my favorites are JCPenny’s. They cost a little more, but last longer. And they are soft and fluffy. Nice for rubbing wangs or whatever…

  5. Marvo,

    In Pasadena where I live, there’s a ginormous Target store. It’s the biggest Target I have ever seen. It’s two stories tall! Two stories!! They have these huge elevators that fit shopping carts, though I’ve seen a few lazy asses with no shopping carts take the elevator. And it has a two story, covered parking structure!!! It also has a Pizza Hut and Starbucks inside.

  6. i’m so with you on so many fronts here. i got a great raincoat at sears for 19.99. one i proudly wear with my designer-y shoes (purchased on ebay but what does it matter). meanwhile, less-plush towels are totally more practical. there’s no end to your common sense

  7. darn it Cybele beat me to the Hitchhiker’s Guide reference. When I think towels, that is the first thing I think of. Don’t leave home without it. I like the towels extra large as well. My parent’s used to only have these dinky ass towels that were like 3 feet long only, so when I moved out I didn’t skimp on the size.

  8. Megan – Thanks for the compliment. Maybe someday they’ll be a Target, but until then I must settle for the Superstore-Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

    Pel – Bob might not be too happy but I’m sure Elizabeth might be since it will give her a break from constantly being poked with his shlong.

    ga girl – Unfortunately, all the JcPenny’s stores here closed. I never really bought anything from there except socks when they were on sale.

    Toni – The only buildings that comes even close here are the two story McDonald’s we have.

    TG – Hey, I’ve bought some clothes on eBay as well. Although not as much anymore because I hardly ever find my size.

    Webmiztris – Yeah, I hate when the towels smell funky, because I always wonder if my body is the reason why they smell funky.

    Bryan – 3 feet long. Those are like frickin’ hand towels.

    jin hamasaki – That’s okay. I’ll survive or ask friends to ship stuff from Target.

  9. ya, i actually have 2 superstore-behemoths-which-must-not-be-named in my city here in germany. and they are 2 story. and get this toni – our stores have flat escalators (as in, moving sidewalk on a ramp rather than moving stairs) designed with these things that prevent your cart from rolling backwards so you can take it upstairs with you. i hate the store, but thought that was freakin awesome…

    and thanks graceless, i’ll have to check that out – they used to not ship anything to apos.

  10. Marvo,

    The winter climate where I live probably is the reason why few people that need to use towels for warmth can be found anywhere nearby. Although I’m sure that Milwaukee does have a few unfortunate people in that situation, I live even farther north. If I travel about 60 miles north of where I live, I’m over halfway to the North Pole.

  11. Megan – One of the Superstore-Behemoths-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named here has that flat escalator you’re talking about. I’m sort of scared of those, because what if your cart is heavy and it starts rolling backwards.

    Chuck – Towels also make great capes.

    laina – But rock hard towels are great for getting out stains and using as sandpaper.

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