As I chewed on the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum, I wondered how can I be extra cool. How can I be the pinnacle of cool? How can I be so cool that if I wore a cardboard Burger King crown everywhere I went, everyone in the country would want to wear one?
But before I could become extra cool, I had to figure out how to be just plain old cool. The only way I could figure out how to do this was by watching the ultimate indicator of coolness…MTV.
So what did I learn from watching MTV?
The first thing I need to become cool is to get some Grillz made for me. Preferably, I need thirty down at the bottom, thirty mo’ at the top.
Another thing I need to become cool is that I must live in the community of Laguna Beach, in a house with a bunch of cameras and roommates from different backgrounds, but one of them definitely either needs to be gay, African-American, or both.
Also, I need to have a super sweet 16 party at some fancy-schmancy place with Fall Out Boy or Maroon 5 playing.
Oh yeah, I also need spinning chrome rims for my car.
But now that I think about it, all of this wouldn’t just make me cool, it would automatically make me extra cool. Sure it’s expensive, but I think it’s worth it.
Grillz…$30,000.
A crib in Laguna Beach…$7 million.
Super Sweet 16 Party…$35,000.
Spinning chrome rims…$20,000.
Seeing people around the country wear a Burger King crown on their head because I made it cool…Priceless.
Now all I need is about $7.1 million dollars and I’ll be on my way to coolness and the rest of y’all will be on your way to wearing cardboard Burger King crowns.
However, right now, I’m not even as cool as this Extra Cool Watermelon Gum.
Not only does it have the word “cool” on its packaging, it also comes in pink, which is probably the coolest color out there for women, some gay men, guys who have their girlfriends pick their clothes, and people who mix their whites and colors in the washing machine.
It also has very good watermelon taste, which was a taste I would’ve expected from Hubba Bubba gum, Bubblicious gum, Big League Chew gum, or a stripper who LOVES watermelon body oil, but not from a stick of Extra gum. How cool is that?
Even by association, the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum doesn’t even make me slightly cool. Right now, I think I’m as cool as an over-produced, mass-marketed “Vote for Pedro” t-shirt.
(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader dramastically for letting me know about the Extra Cool Watermelon Gum. Also, go read TG’s take on the gum at NYCE.)
Item: Extra Cool Watermelon Gum
Purchase Price: $1.09
Rating: 9 out of 10
Pros: Significantly cooler than me. Good watermelony flavor. Decent-lasting flavor. No watermelon seeds. Chewing it doesn’t make me slightly cool. Comes in pink, which is good for some people. Strippers who love watermelon body oil.
Cons: Can’t blow decent bubbles with it. “Vote for Pedro” t-shirts. The amount of money needed to become extra cool. Not being able to realize my dream of seeing people wear cardboard Burger King crowns on their heads.
I HATE WITH A PASSION Napoleon Dynamite. HATE.
Almost got a mask of The King for haloween, but couldn’t find a good king costume go with it. I wish I could wake up with the king. And now, I am not gay.
Hey I got first post. It’s like Slashdot. Except nobody can mod me -1, Troll. 😀
Well, if it means anythin Marvo… I went to Burger King earlier, and am following your hip, cool, stylin’ ways with my cardboard crown. 😉
And yea.. Vote For Pedro shirts… those are a bit dumb.
That gum is so good.
I bought 15 packs of it today.
I’m prepared for Europe… I got gum, and su doku.
THIS IS THE BEST GUM EVER!
well, except for the Apple flavored one.
but I think you already reviewed that.
I kind of liked the “Vote for Cthulu” t-shirts that I saw in the “Vote for Pedro” style. Not that I bought one, or that they’d make me cool, or anything. I gave up on coolness long ago. I think one of the signs of getting older is when you no longer recognize what’s “Cool” and when someone tells you what it is…you just really could care less.
Must be gum week.
Other things you must do to be cool like the MTV kids: Have Lil’ Jon or Jay-Z in your video. Get a Made coach. Have a huge crowd of female fans screaming your name.
Is it just me, or do things with watermelon flavor not taste like real watermelon? I don’t find real watermelon to have much of a taste. Maybe a little bit, but nothing strong like watermelon-flavored products.
See, if I find this in a market/gas station, I’m buying it. If I see a non-kid wearing a Burger King crown, I’m throwing the used gum at him/her. That’s just sad, kind of like seeing adults using Razor scooters and Segways for actual transportation.
I mentioned this gum briefly on my website a few weeks back and I agree. It’s GOOD.
Brian
http://candyaddict.com
If there’s one thing that reminds me of summer as a pre-teen, it’s the smell of watermelon gum. I couldn’t be cool back then and certainly not now. Though I do go to Laguna quite often … to visit my in-laws, probably a different sort of afternoon than the TV shows make it out to be.
but according to the package, it’s not a low-calorie food! LOL
Seriously, who EATS this stuff?
I didn’t much joy in Napoleon Dynamite either…I wanted to cause it’s “cool” but just couldn’t.
I like fake watermelon flavoured candies…I hate fake mango flavour anything…there is just nothing like real mangoes…ooh I’m eating spicy pickled mangoes now…yum!
Me: no grillz, no wheels…but I have a gravatar…apparently all the cool kids are doing it.
You know what’s cool? Jazz.
Another thing that’s cool is properly using the phrase “couldn’t care less”. Grammar Nazis are also very cool. I’m a junior in high school, trust me, I know what’s cool.
I love that artificial banana flavor, for some reason. Maybe they’ll make a banana flavored gum. That would be lovely. Almost as lovely as a country full of Burger King crown wearing citizens. I haven’t seen a Burger King crown in ages. I think it’s high time I go visit his royal highness.
Muneer – I haven’t read Slashdot in a long time. I’m more of a Digg kind of guy. Oh man, I expect backlash for that.
Andy – Sweeet! Did you have a Cheesy Angus Burger, or whatever it’s called? As for the Vote for Pedro shirts, I have NEVER seen anyone wear one here.
Katie – It’s a good thing you’re a vegetarian, because if you weren’t, I would’ve told you that you should also bring meat with you for your trip your Europe. Mad Cow Disease sucks. Also, sudoku is hard. I hate numbers.
Chuck – Being a pilot…That’s like an ultimate cool. Not many people can say that. You could wear striped socks and still be cool.
rfduck – Actually, it was supposed to be gum week and I had five types of gum to review, but when you’ve only done two gum reviews within a week, you can’t really call it gum week. This one doesn’t count, since it was posted on a Sunday. Anyway, to be more specific with the Lil’ Jon thing, he needs to be in your video and say either, “WHAT?” or “YEAH!”
klew – There’s only one person I see using a Segway here and he has this smug look on his face, like he’s so cool. I just want to screw with the gyroscope in that Segway to mess him up.
Brian – It’s damn good!
cybele – If there’s a love triangle going on, then it’s not much different. 🙂
Webmiztris – People who like to poop things out after seven years of digestion, that’s who.
Gia on Guam – Spicy pickled mangoes? I like picked mangoes. I like pickled mangoes with li hing mui powder. But I’m intrigued with this spicy pickled mango.
Tristyn – You know what else is cool? Early 90s hip-hop and making smiley faces on the doors in the frozen food section.
Stumbled across your site a couple days ago..
Decided I’d wait for a new review to compliment the site, now hours and hours, days? later I emerge from the archives and appear to be a bit late. GREAT stuff, Marvo..Hilarious!! Will definitely be back, but damnit now I have read all your material!
On a gum kick, are ya?
But what did you REALLY learn from MTV? That they don’t play videos much anymore? That their shows suck? That VH1 sucks now, too? I want MY MTV back so that I don’t have to check cool watermelon gum to feel cool!
Just remember to dispose of the gum properly. I don’t want to step on some sticky blob in a random parking lot! 😉
I like all of the different stories digg has, but its comment system sucks. Even with the new upgrade, it will never be as good as Slashdot’s. Plus, I love CmdrTaco’s commentary. I love CmdrTaco. I WANT CMDRTACO!
Also, the UI of Slashdot is better, in my opinion, is better than digg. Green >> all
How the hell could they kill off Edgar? And Chloe had to watch him die. Jack et all couldn’t do anything or they would break the seal and they would all die of the nerve gas.
Nerve gas is bad. Damn Russians, they get you every time.
i LOVE this gum!
i actually got a pack for my 40th (ZOIKS!) this past Sunday! (And how apropos, i went to Laguna Beach… but i’m not gay…)
yummmmmmmmmmmmmmy.
i hate watermelon flavored things IT DOES NOT TASTE LIKE WATERMELON! i want to know which jackass thought, “hey this is watermelon flavored lets put it into candy.” He’s a bastard for sure. Even worse is the guy who invented grape flavor.
Your blog… I love it.
-BAR
Um hello!!! The spicy factor is of course….TABASCO…I’m kidding…try adding some fresh peppers…think the little ones that pack a mightly punch…to the pickling solution…that will spicy it up good!
BTW, while the ripe mangoes are good, nothing beats the young green mangoes for pickling…try getting them super young before the shell has a chance to form that way when you are cutting them up for pickling you just toss out the white stuff in the middle. Pickling solution varies but it’s basically the same stuff you pickle green papayas with…oooh my mom made some of that last night!
skibs – As I do with all new readers, I must warn you that only one out of every fifty reviews are any good.
nat – I also learned that I need MTV2 for watching videos.
Muneer – I don’t comment on Digg, I just read. But at least now Digg has threaded comments. Also, did you just have another Bauerasm?
Karen – Happy Belated Birthday!!! Also, all you got for your birthday was a pack of gum. You have cheap friends. 😉
Nicki – Sometimes fake flavor is better than the actual flavor. Watermelon is one of those flavors.
BAR Editor – But is it Bad Ass?
Gia on Guam – I kind of like the white stuff. It’s like a cup for the pickling juice.
No silly the white stuff in a young mango is the seed before the hard shell forms…nothing hard and hairy you have to deal with.
Gia on Guam – Oh, I hate the hairy stuff. It gets stuck in my teeth.