REVIEW: Sparks

“Don’t worry, Jen. I’ll make you forget Brad and Vince with my tender lips. Get out of the way Ron Livingston! You’re ruining the moment.”

After drinking the entire 16-ounce can of the Sparks alcohol energy drink, it was like romantic sparks were flying everywhere.

For some reason, probably because of my low alcohol tolerance, I wanted to make out with every inanimate object in my apartment, including Jennifer Aniston on my computer monitor while watching the movie Office Space.

Heck, my body pillow looked hot in its long red pillow case, sort of like Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?; my refrigerator looked like a really pale, big boned hottie; and the mop the in closet looked like Nicole Richie.

Also, if you know how much I love the curves of Method product bottles, I just wanted to let you know that loved them a little bit more after drinking Sparks.

It was a long night thanks to the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and siberian ginseng blend in the can of Sparks, which kept me up. I continued hitting on other inanimate things in my apartment, like the recliner in the living room, the dish rack in the kitchen, and empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom.

Sparks had a nice citrus taste, which reminded me of most energy drinks mixed with vodka, except a whole lot sweeter.

It was easy to drink, but as it got warmer it became less easy. It was also definitely better tasting than the B to the E I tried last year.

Sparks calls itself a “premium malt beverage,” but usually when I think of “premium malt beverage” I think of Billy Dee Williams and Colt 45.

The can of Sparks I drank not only made inanimate objects look sexy, it also made me redder than a high school student who accidently farted loudly while taking the SAT exam, but I blame my Japanese blood for that.

The next morning, after waking up with my toaster next to me, I came to the realization that I would probably drink Sparks at a bar or club, if they had them, but I don’t know if I would drink them at home anymore, because I don’t like cleaning the smears on my computer monitor.

Item: Sparks
Purchase Price: FREE (16-ounces)
Purchased At: Received from roommate.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good sweet citrus taste. Big 16-ounce can. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Jessica Rabbit. The movie Office Space.
Cons: Maybe too sweet for some. For me, it makes everything look hot, due to my low alcohol tolerance. Cleaning smears on my computer monitor. Empty toilet paper roll love. Farting loudly while taking the SAT exam.

20 thoughts to “REVIEW: Sparks”

  1. You woke up next to the toaster? Dude. Standards! You could’ve at least gone for a nice curvy Method bottle. 😉

  2. Hmm, sounds like a sweet all-nighter essay aid! A delicious beer (or three) always gets the creative juices flowing, but then those very same juices are brought to a hault by how sleepy the beer makes me. Now I’ve got something to pep me back up at 3 in the morning when I’ve hit a nasty wall of writer’s block! Wooh!

    …Actually, I’d probably just end up dancing in the living room with the stereotypical lampshade-on-head gag in full swing, leaving my essay unfinished for class the next day. Blast!

  3. I guess you were practicing safe sex with the toaster, as long as it wasn’t plugged in…

    Great review as always!

  4. Hahaha, this review killed me! What a shame, though – we don’t have Sparks here in the Philippines.

    I think I read it in a shirt somewhere, how alcohol lets ugly people get laid. I don’t know how that’s connected to your review, though.

  5. Alcohol and illicit amounts of caffiene.. oh man.. that brings up some ‘unpleasant’ memories.

    I just hope you called your toaster the next morning, not good to leave em hangin.

  6. beware of pungent and odd “peep show booth” aromas coming from your toaster next time you make toast….. he he he.

    At least you didn’t wake up next to a Goerge Foreman Grill.

  7. Empty toilet paper roll love? Everyone knows a full roll of TP is the way to go…DO squeeze the Charmin.

  8. Mir – I think the Method bottle would’ve been significantly messier. Crumbs versus slippery soap? I’ll take the crumbs because their easier to clean.

    Rhawb – Definitely not an all-nighter essay aid. Unless your essay is about the effects of alcohol on studying habits, then it’s okay.

    Sasha_Kitty – I sure hope I was, because I don’t want crumbs to go where they shouldn’t be.

    Chuck – I really depends on which one you have. The harder the plastic, the better.

    Peachy – I apparently got it on with a toaster, so I guess alcohol does help ugly people get laid. 🙂

    Andy – I tried making toast with it the next morning, but it just didn’t warm up to me like it usually does.

    Webmiztris – I have to tell you that alcoholic energy drinks, will keep you at the bar longer, but that just means more freaks will try and hit on you.

    Mean Reviews – Or may she drink a can of Sparks and make out with urinal.

    Jude – I have a George Foreman grill in my apartment, but there weren’t any grill marks, so I think I didn’t do anything with it.

    Gia on Guam – I guess with a full roll of toilet paper, the phrase “more cushion for the pushin'” really applies. 🙂

  9. “empty toilet paper roll” … dude you’re supposed to say you used empty paper towel rolls, or empty gift wrapping paper rolls… K.W.S.S. (keep wang sizes secret)…

  10. Bryan – Or poster mailing tubes? Anyway, it’s not the size of the boat, it’s the motion of the ocean. I think that’s what women say, or it’s something they say to make us feel better.

  11. Oh sweet Colt 45 how I miss the days when all I could get was a cheap drunk off of you and Nightrain Express. Since then I have graduated to much finer things such as Guinness and German Rhine wine. I do admit though that this sounds good as alcohol makes me tired and not want to talk to people. I think the extra boost of energy would make me less anti-social whilst drinking

  12. Lord Jezo – Dude, I almost paid $10 to buy one off of eBay. Just a few more days and Coke Blak will be released into the wild.

  13. I thought this day would never come! The slogan should be, “Sparks! For those of you who don’t like the smell of cocaine!” The first time my friends and I drank these we had three in a row (yes, three), and at 2 AM were running around the parking lot of our local pub playing freeze tag and yelling “SPARKS!” It was awesome. The morning after? Not so much.

  14. my roommate left two of these in the fridge once…i came home after a long night, saw them and througt “hey cool – i’ll just drink these and fall asleep”.

    boy that didn’t work too well. nothing like being half-drunk and wired out of your friggin brains at 5am.

    work was fun that day.

  15. Kitty X – Oh, to be young and handle large amounts of substances without dying. 😉

    ultradave – Whenever that happens, I like to pull out my Get Out of Work for Free card, which is a card that has a list of excuses I can use when I call in sick for work. For example, chicken pox. Used that once, so I can’t use it again.

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