REVIEW: Snapple Green Apple White Tea

‘Cause this is thriller, thriller night/There ain’t no second chance against the thing with forty eyes/You know it’s thriller, thriller night/You’re fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight

Hee, hee!

Oh, hello there! Michael Jackson here. When I’m thirsty from dancing with the Elephant Man’s bones, chasing my chimp Bubbles around, or playing “What’s In Your Mouth?” with my sleepover friends, I like to pick up a Snapple Green Apple White Tea.

There are many reason why I like it. One reason is…

Because it’s good, it’s good – come on/You know it’s good, it’s good – you know it/You know it’s good, it’s good – come on, you know/And the whole world has to answer right now/Just to tell you once again,/It’s good…


It has a nice and crisp light green apple taste that is mixed well with the equally light white tea taste, and it’s very refreshing after a long day in the recording studio or courthouse. Compared with other Snapple products, it has about 33 percent less calories and sugar.

The entire 17.5-ounce bottle contains 120 calories, zero grams of fat, 30 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbs, 30 grams of sugar, and 40 percent of your recommended daily allowance of Vitamin C. Plus, each bottle has 105 milligrams of antioxidants.

Antioxidants are you okay/So, antioxidants are you okay/Are you okay antioxidants/You’ve been hit by/You’ve been struck by/A smooth criminal


Another thing I like about the Snapple Green Apple White Tea is that it’s all-natural, just like me.

No wait, I meant to say, just my nose.

No, that’s plastic.

Um…It’s all natural like my skin.

No, that’s not natural either.

Um…Latoya’s face?


Janet’s boobs?


Jermaine’s Jheri curls?


Having little boys sleep in the same bed with me?

Yeah, that’s it.

Just beat it, (beat it), beat it, (beat it)/No one wants to be defeated/Showin’ how funky strong it’s your fight/It doesn’t matter who’s in my bed tonight/Just beat it


What I like most about the Snapple Green Apple White Tea are the young white tea leaves that help give it a naturally light taste and high antioxidant content.

What is white tea? According to the bottle, “It’s a baby tea leaf that is plucked when it’s young so it’s light in flavor and high in antioxidants.”

I love drinking those delicious young white tea leaves. I love playing with young supple white tea leaves. I love having young white tea leaves over for sleepovers. I love having young white tea leaves sleep in the same bed with me. I also love playing “What’s In Your Mouth?” with young white tea leaves. Hee, hee.

But, if you’re thinkin’ about my baby tea leaves, it don’t matter if they’re black or white


Item: Snapple Green Apple White Tea
Price: $1.69 (17.5 ounces)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 4 out of 5
Pros: Nice light and crisp green apple taste. All-natural. High in antioxidants. No preservatives. Real frickin’ sugar. Pre-Thriller Michael Jackson.
Cons: Decaffeinated. Hee, hee. The game “What’s In Your Mouth?” Sleepovers with Michael Jackson. Post-Thriller Michael Jackson.

35 thoughts to “REVIEW: Snapple Green Apple White Tea”

  1. lurked around for a while, but never thought of participating until last night (european time) when i dreamed that you were mcgee from NCIS and we where rolling around in a couch kissing…. very disturbing!
    i need that snapple….

  2. you see, I have sort of a fatfetish …. and tony is too thin, anyway what I’ve seen of you is good enough for me, you just needed a face and I guess thats what you get from watching a whole season in two days 🙂

  3. I’m with Chuck. MJ makes me nervous, and now so does Snapple by extension. And the color white.

  4. This one is really offputting; I’m going to have to give it a try, though, Michael. But what’s with it being the color of stale toiletwater? Some green food coloring could have really helped ’em out here…No?

  5. I like Green apple type drinks but that is mystifying why they’d see the need to put “white tea” into the product name.

    Back in the 80s, I was forced to participate in a prop “re-enactment” of the Billie Jean video at a youth group (read: forced sunday school concentration camp) that I was in. That scarred me for life.

  6. Marvo,

    Do the young white tea leaves beat it first and then play what’s in their mouths with MJ? More white stuff I suppose. Now I am making myself nauseous!

  7. SHOMON!

    Oh for the Michael Jackson of “Rock With You” days… the big fluffy hair, the dark skin, smiling cherubic face with its normal nose…

    I’ve been a part of this highfalutin university taste test study for two months and today I had to drink sweet stuff thru straws while inside an MRI machine (seriously!) and I wish it had been this Snapple stuff instead of whatever concotion they gave me.


    Hee hee hee.

  8. Channeling Micheal Jackson……..
    You might want to get looked at after that, never know what that’ll do to you. Maybe binge on Pop Tarts to counter any side effects.

  9. Dawn totally beat me to it! I’m betting that “Antioxidants are you okay” was the nemisis for the MJ based post…at least he’s not dangling the bottle precariously over a balcony.

  10. The tea sounds decent, but the review was terrifying. Although, I can’t really tell since I haven’t slept in four days and may just pass out here soon. Either way.

  11. Wow.
    Just when I thought you couldn’t top your last review…but is this a new high or new low?
    Anyway, funny as always. The tea sounds interesting though. Green apple is yummy.

  12. “But, if you’re thinkin’ about my baby tea leaves, it don’t matter if they’re black or white” although when it comes to a Jockey Next to Nothing Thong, it matters. Awesome review – anyone else singin Smooth Criminal right now?

  13. fatyoli – Good enough…That’s my life story. 🙁

    Chuck – Any tea that reminds me of Steven Segal movies are even creepier.

    Domokun – I hope it’s not snowing where you are. Or I hope you’re not surrounded by cocaine.

    CarbonNYC – But the green food coloring would’ve made it not all-natural, like Jacko.

    Bryan – You guys had concrete blocks that lit up when you danced on them? Cool.

    Lizzy – You are forgetting, dork, doofus, dweeb, geek, and wedgie target.

    Sasha_Kitty – Bad kitty! Bad kitty!

    Webmiztris – It was very tasty. As a matter of fact, it was TEAriffic.

  14. Karen – ::looks up highfalutin:: Oh, it doesn’t mean lots of farting. 🙁

    Barb – I’m looking for GoTarts. Do those count?

    Grins – You could always drink the raspberry one instead. Or Diet Coke. Or beer. Or black tea. You know what they say, “Once you drink tea that’s black, you’ll never go back.”

    cybele – Oooh, you know what would’ve been cool? Green apple green tea. Oh, that would totally rock and would totally be green.

    Gia on Guam – Hey, don’t give Wacko Jacko any ideas. Someone already convinced him to make a rap album.

    Andy – No, the review wasn’t terrifying. It was like butterflies and clouds in a diorama.

    TheWarden – I don’t really like green apple the actual fruit, but I like green apple-flavored products. I’m just weird like that.

    laina – Blah to getting only 3 hours of sleep last night. Blah to my credit card debt. Blah to unironed clothes.

    The Ford – Well Jacko is probably trying to keep young white tea leaves down. 🙁

    skibs – I would have to agree with the black or white thong thing. Definitely black or charcoal grey. Or hot pink. With an inflatable cup.

  15. Marvo – Steven Seagal is creepy, but at least his face isn’t melting off his body from repeated injections of child molester juice.

  16. Marvo,

    Why did you go an have to ruin yet ANOTHER product with your references to disturbing things that don’t quite always make sense? What does MJ have to do with tea?

    Shame shame shame. 😉

  17. I have to stop reading your posts if I want to get things done here at work!!! Hahahaha! Damn, that review killed me.

  18. Chuck – But Steven Seagal has that ponytail. ::shudder::

    Sarah – I think it’s what I do best. Although that’s really not saying much. 🙁

    Peachy – You should get a job reading reviews. I think you’d totally kick ass at it! 🙂

  19. To All PYT’s out there Who Got to Be Startin Somethin:

    That white tea review was Bad according to The Man in the Mirror. Human Nature being what it is not to mention Billy Jean, we may never know what is behind His Former Majesty, the King of Pop’s strange metamorphosis into Jackostein. It’s sad really. Sic transit gloria mundi.

    Now, I need to try and find that white tea so I won’t have the caffeine problem and can avoid wanting to Shake My Body Down to the Ground. Can You Feel It?

  20. PS Speaking of green apple, I was so mad!!! when Quaker which owns Gator Ade pulled Wild Apple Gator Ade. It’s the one I really liked. Naturally, it vanished. Had a major basketball celeb or a movie icon liked it, I bet it would not have died!

  21. ho ho, marvelous marvo’s review beat these “industry pros”! (altho they DID let me know that this was “the most ambitious product launch in Snapple history”… had NO idea)

  22. The tea tastes like it was steeped in a used white sequin glove. The green apple taste like it was once red and turned green while “aging”in a damp closet with grammas old coats.

  23. Triviaguy – Maybe the Wild Apple Gatorade was too wild and crazy for them. Or maybe they didn’t want the negative connotation from the “Girls Gone Wild” videos.

    TG – Well I may have beat them once, but they’ve beaten me hundreds, nay, thousands of time. I’m like the Washington Generals playing against the Harlem Globetrotters.

    nothipcoolorbuff – Hmm…You must like adjectives and descriptors.

    laina – BLAH to BLAH! HA! HA! NAH!

  24. YAY! I WON!

    ‘Had an insightful and witty response to this review involving terrorists, jack bauer, and a gun, but firefox’s *massive* memory leak conbined with a PDF opening made it crash. now i don’t even feel like moving this into word to run spellchecker.

    too bad IE7 is the worst browser i’ve ever used.

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