Act II Popcorn Ball

I personally think the food that best represents the holiday season is the Act II Popcorn Ball, although it definitely isn’t the best tasting holiday food.

Many of you will probably disagree with me and say either turkey, gingerbread cookies, egg nog, candy canes, chocolate Santas, fruitcake, or a large bottle of whiskey are foods that best represent the holiday season, but this is what I’ll say to you, “Nay, my festivus friend, the holidays are all about balls…popcorn balls.”

Think about it. The Act II Popcorn Ball is very similar to many things that are seen during the holiday season. You may not realize them, so I’m going to point them out to you.

First off, it’s round and is roughly the size of a tennis ball (three inches in diameter). There are many holiday-ish items that come in a round form, like tree ornaments, a snowman’s head, a snowman’s body, cookies for Santa, Santa’s big fat gut from eating cookies, and the number of times most people have seen any of the three Tim Allen The Santa Clause movies — zero.

Its white color is also the color of many things seen during the holiday season, like snow, iPods, Santa’s beard, and Jesus’ skin color.

The Act II Popcorn Ball consists of popcorn and sugar compressed together in a tight space. This cramming of popcorn together is much the bringing of people together in any shopping mall on the day after Thanksgiving or the week prior to Christmas.

Instead of popped kernels of popcorn packed tightly together, it’s pissed off patrons waiting in line for a cashier, dressing room, next generation video game console, women’s restroom stall, or $29 DVD player at the Behemoth-Which-Must-Not-Be-Named.

Despite it being held together with sugar, and possibly the holiday spirit, the Act II Popcorn Ball tears apart easily, like the hearts of little children when they find out Santa doesn’t exist. Its consistency is much like old popcorn, but the sugar around it makes that old popcorn taste better, sort of like kettle corn, but not really as sweet or as good.

Wrapping the old popcorn in sugar is very similar to the holiday concept of re-gifting. Think of the old popcorn as a gift from last Christmas, like the sweater grandma knitted, the “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt your stupid friend got you, or the piece of jewelry you were going to give to your significant other, but then they break up with you right before Christmas and every day for the next year you stare at that piece of jewelry and think of your former significant other and cry for about an hour in your bedroom staring at the ceiling, then you want to throw it away but you can’t because every time you’re about to throw it into the ocean you remember all the great times you spent together on the beach, so you keep holding on to that piece of jewelry hoping that your ex-significant other comes back to you, despite the fact that they’re dating another person, and you take it with you every time you’re sitting in your car staring through their window with a pair of binoculars. Then think of the sugar as the new wrapping paper around it, turning what was old into something new for that not-so-special person receiving the gift — probably a co-worker.

With 12 grams of sugar, 100 calories, one gram of fat, one gram protein, two grams of fiber, and no cholesterol, the Act II Popcorn Ball has roughly the same nutritional content as many holiday decorations, like a small Christmas wreath, a Christmas tree branch, or the mistletoe branch that is strategically placed directly above your waist.

Finally, because the Act II Popcorn Ball is made out of popcorn, it’s most likely that popcorn kernel parts will get stuck in between your teeth. If you’ve experienced this, you know that this is irritating like the other holiday annoyances: little old ladies cutting in the cashier line, finding parking at the shopping mall to do Christmas shopping, and making sure the shopping mall Santa doesn’t touch you improperly while taking a picture with him.

Item: Act II Popcorn Ball
Price: FREE
Purchased at: Given by co-worker
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Best food to represent the holiday season. Low fat. Low sodium. Zero cholesterol. Two grams of fiber. Tears apart easily. Sugar makes it taste better. Sort of like kettle corn, but not as sweet.
Cons: Old popcorn consistency. Getting popcorn stuck in between your teeth. Receiving re-gifted gifts. Waiting in line for a women’s restroom stall. Waiting for a woman who is waiting for a women’s restroom stall. Any of The Santa Clause movies. Crying after finding out Santa isn’t real and also after your significant other breaks up with you and leaves you as an empty cold shell of a person.

31 thoughts to “Act II Popcorn Ball”

  1. You forgot to mention the fact that if you let it sit in a cupboard for a year, only to find it next christmas, it makes a pretty deadly item to shoot from your potato gun.

  2. After retrieving one of these from my 4 year old’s halloween bag, I removed it from the package and threw it against the wall. Just to see. Much to my surprise it shattered into several thousand pieces. One hour and one full vacuum bag later, if I ever see one of these again it will be too soon. I can’t imagine eating one of these after that mess. And yes, it was my fault for throwing it at the wall.

  3. I must confess that I love popcorn balls. I’ve never tried a commercially produced one, but homemade ones have always been one of my favorite holiday foods. Your convincing argument has made it solidly my #1, though I’m still not sure I’m going to try the ACT II one specifically. However, you must remember, that because of my extremely strict diet it is also one of the VERY FEW holiday foods I will actually allow myself. Sugar, popcorn, what’s not to love I ask you? What?

  4. Just reading about popcorn balls gives me the sensation of popcorn kernels stuck between my teeth when I’ve just run out of dental floss.

  5. honey, food blogs don’t get much better than this. i keep thinking you’ve topped yourself, but then you come back with yet another entry more fabulous than the last. this one is choice. awesome stuff! words more delicious than any popcorn could ever want to be

  6. I wonder what happens when you microwave a year-old popcorn ball?

    I love microwaving stuff. It’s like squeezing the last drop of well-hidden fun out of lame gifts.

  7. A coworker gave a popcorn ball as a holiday gift? Gee, you know you must rank pretty high up there in their people-I-must-buy-things-for-list, when you get an Act II Popcorn Ball. Wow.
    Way to turn it positive, great way to start 2007!

  8. Dawn’s right, these things have been around forever. They used to give them out at Halloween all the time. I wanna try one, but the one in your hand looks kinda small.

    And what’s this BS about Santa not existing?!?

  9. I guess the big question is if the co-worker gave you the popcorn ball before or after Christmas.

    (Yes, I’m re-gifting holiday candy like mad here at the office.)

  10. LaR – Yes, one in fifty reviews are any good.

    Kari – Bah, vacuum cleaner. I would’ve sucked that popcorn ball for free, which would mean, less of a waste of a vacuum bag.

    Mir – Actually, I think she gave it to me to try and review. Or she hates me.

    L’il E – Please don’t tell me you allow fruitcake too.

    Scott – Sorry about that.

    tg – Well I don’t know if I’m a food blog, but if you say so.

    Wednesday – Well at least you don’t like to stick stuff in the blender. Or do you?

    Barb – I think she gave it to me because she knows I like trying new or different things. But I think an Act II Popcorn Ball is better than nothing.

  11. Webmiztris – Mmm…Recycled food.

    Brie – Actually, I have really big hands, unproportional to my body.

    cybele – I think it was before Christmas.

    Erika – You kiss garland balls? That’s a strange holiday tradition you have there.

    Zadillo – You’re probably right.

    Noelle – Meh, maybe it’s payback for all the prank I pulled.

  12. Hmmm well, if you think it’s bad to receive a popcorn ball from a co-worker for Christmas, for her 18th birthday last year my sister received a bag of rocks from a good friend of my mom’s. Technically they’re smooth, decorative little rocks that you put in a bowl or vase with a candle- but still…rocks???

  13. Well, Marvo, sounds like you really had a ball writing this review. I mean, writing this review took balls. No, wait, just one ball. Personally, I prefer my popcorn to be free-ranging and freshly popped. But at least this didn’t have too many calories.

  14. If you want popcorn ball nirvana, Vic’s Corn Popper is the only way to go. My relatives have sent us the giant gift pack from Vics every year for 20 years or so, and they practically define “Christmas” for me.

    [Huge box of Popcorn treats] > [Baby Jesus]

  15. or the mistletoe branch that is strategically placed directly above your waist.

    HAHA and how many kisses did you get on your cock marvo?

  16. Toni – No, those rocks sound like they rock.

    LaR – I wasn’t kidding. Only one in fifty review are any good.

    Michiel – I could add the filthy language if you want me to. Fuck! Shit! 🙂

    Chuck – This review took awhile to complete. It was just hanging around, swinging from side to side. I had a draft of this review on a piece of paper, but I was pretty cold towards it, so I just shriveled it up and threw it away.

    L’il E – The ones that will survive as long as cockroaches?

    AL – I don’t show them off too often.

    James – Huge box of popcorn is greater than baby Jesus? Oh, someone’s not going to heaven. 😉

    DaDead – The same number of times I’ve seen any of The Santa Clause movies.

Comments are closed.