Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews

(Note: Since posting this review the company has changed the formula of Buzz Bites. So it probably tastes different now.)

Much like birth control, caffeinated products come in many options, its effectiveness varies from product to product, and is frowned upon by some Mormons.

For those who don’t know, I love sweet, sweet caffeine and over the years I’ve tried a variety of items that contain caffeine, like energy drinks, teas, mints, sodas, gum, coffee, pills, and candy. If I used birth control as many times as I do caffeinated products, it would be the equivalent of me getting laid every single night, which of course is the exact opposite of reality because I am totally not too sexy for my shirt.

Like I said in the first sentence, birth control and caffeinated products are very similar. For example, I personally like to think of energy drinks as the caffeinated equivalent of condoms — they are plentiful, come in a variety of styles and colors, and all of them are too small for me.

It’s a daunting task to be standing in front of either a wall of condoms or a full refrigerated case of energy drinks to pick out the one you like. Words like “twisted,” “pleasure,” “flavored,” “extra large,” “ultra thin,” “reservoir end,” “extra-stimulating,” “warming,” and “tropical colored” pop out when faced with a wall of condoms at your local drug store. (If not, you need to go to a better drug store.)

When in front of a wall of energy drinks at your local convenience store, there are also words that pop out at you, like “xtreme,” “energy,” “taurine,” “guarana,” “crammed,” “ginseng,” “juiced,” “double strength,” and “power.”

Both products even have warnings on them. On an energy drink can it says, “Not recommended for children, Richard Simmons, pregnant or nursing women, Charo, those sensitive to caffeine, or Robin Williams.”

On a condom box the warning says, “If used properly, latex condoms may help to reduce the risk of catching or spreading many sexually transmitted diseases and help control the stupid people population (i.e. anyone who has been arrested on the TV show Cops or anyone who has dated a hotel heiress with the last name Hilton), but unfortunately it is not 100 percent effective.”

Recently, I tried the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews and I have to say that these caffeinated chocolates are much like birth control diaphragms — both are chewy, aren’t used by many people, and in order for them to work they need to shoved into a damp orifice.

Each individually-wrapped Buzz Bites piece is square, kinda smells like Cocoa Puffs, and is slightly smaller than a Starburst. Despite it smelling like the chocolatey cereal that makes a bird go cuckoo and young kids everywhere hyperactive due to sugar, its taste didn’t come close to making me go cuckoo. It was actually a lot more bitter than chocolatey or sweet, but I should’ve expected that since it only has three grams of sugar.

However, it did turn me into a slightly hyperactive Richard Simmons thanks to my Bedazzler and the 100 milligrams of caffeine each Buzz Bites has, which is roughly the same amount in a cup of coffee. It’s also got energy-producing B vitamins, ginseng, and taurine, which along with the caffeine probably gives the Buzz Bites its bitter taste.

Overall, the Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews may not be the tastiest way to get caffeine, but it’s probably one of the quickest. Now only if there was a chocolate-flavored birth control, it would probably be the tastiest way to prevent me from being some kid’s baby daddy.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Sarah at Vroom Foods for sending me a tin of Buzz Bites. She also sent me a tin of Foosh Energy Mints, which I think are much, much better and contain the same amount of caffeine. Also, Candy Addict reviewed the Buzz Bites last year. You can read their review here.)

Item: Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews
Price: FREE (6 pieces)
Purchased at: Received from Vroom Foods (Warning: Loud link)
Rating: 2 out of 5
Pros: It did give me an energy pick up. A quick way to get caffeine. One piece has the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee. Individually wrapped pieces. Smells chocolatey. Birth control.
Cons: Bitter taste. Only six pieces per tin. The Bedazzler. Stupid people who reproduce. A caffeinated Charo, Robin Williams, or Richard Simmons.

29 thoughts to “Buzz Bites Chocolate Energy Chews”

  1. Nice analogy! You really gotta learn to drink coffee though, just go straight to the real source already. I think condoms are only effective at controlling the intelligent population, stupid people (also called parents) don’t use them 😉

  2. This has all the makings for a disaster. imagine if a kid got a hold of these things? Oh man, what if they ate all the ones in the pack!

    It might be funny, in a sick way.

  3. I’m trying to think of my favorite way to get caffeine…I tried the ThinkGeek caffeine sampler a few years ago and that was moderately fun. The best “high caffeine” food I’ve had was chocolate covered espresso beans from Trader Joe’s, although they were a bit bitter. My favorite caffeinated drink is probably Bawls (sugar free) but for sheer uniqueness, nothing can top the Shower Shock caffeinated soap, with the possible exception of a coffee enema (which I have not tried and do not plan on trying.)

  4. man that first line had me in stitches.. you said mormons.

    looked promising as a pick me up on long runs, but looks like it ain’t got no nutritional value AND it’s bitter.

  5. The tin looks like it came straight out of 1983. Odd…

    And amidst all those condom labels, you forgot “ribbed for her pleasure.” Isn’t that one important? 😉

  6. L’il E – Learn to drink coffee? I think it’s more like learn to get addicted to coffee and spend countless hours waiting in line at Starbucks. 😉

    Sir Jorge – It makes me tired just thinking about that.

    Chuck – The caffeinated soap is definitely on my things to try list. Geez, I sure to review a lot of energy products. I think I should change the name of the blog to The Impulsive Energy Product Buy.

    damasta – Just like alcohol, I think caffeine can make anything a little more fun.

    DJ At Work – I love both. It’s just that I’m only getting one of them right now.

    Webmiztris – “anything for a buzz, man” that’s what an addicted person would say. 😉

  7. jenn – But wouldn’t the bitterness help you pick up your pace so that you can drink or eat something that will get rid of the bitterness?

    DJ At Work – No nutritional value and it’s bitter…Reminds me of my soul.

    malnurturedsnay – If you start a product review blog, you too can get free candy in the mail and other free things.

    Brian – I really did like the Foosh mints, because they were minty and gave me energy, but there are only 12 per tin.

    Melanie – It’s not uncomfortable, it’s bedazzling!

    Brie – That is an important one and I also forgot “with spermicide”

  8. Marvo – The caffeinated soap is also now available in convenient travel sizes, so you can stay caffeinated on the road. But since it’s solid, it’s not subject to the TSA’s weird-ass liquids zip-loc baggie 3-ounce policy, so you can take a full-size one with you wherever you go if that’s what you prefer. Crap, I sound like a Shower Shock salesman. But I did enjoy the stuff.

  9. No, you have to get REALLY addicted and make your own, Starbuck’s is for rich lazy people that don’t like real coffee–get really intense about finding the best organic, free-trade, locally roasted coffe, grind the beans, use a press pot
    (my favorite method) or a stove-top machinetta
    to brew it to perfection then drink it black or with just a splash of Canadian maple syrup.

  10. Hey! I love these! Sure they don’t taste like they came from Switzerland, but they do make me want to yodel! I first tried them as part of a caffeine sampler from thinkgeek. I have to admit, it’s an acquired taste, but I really like them now. THey work!

  11. Is that the official Beddazler sponsored by nationally syndicated spokeswoman, Tanna? If not, then you definitely got jacked.

  12. I tried Buzz Bites about a year ago, and I don’t really remember if they worked. I don’t really get affected by caffeine, so it’s kind of wasted on me.

    There are only two times I remember actually feeling caffeine. Once was during a Finals Week at UCLA. I drank two cups of coffee within an hour. I started feeling my heart beating very, very fast. As I lay on my bed clutching my chest, I seriously thought to myself, “I’m going to die. But at least I won’t have to take the final tommorow.”

    The second time was also in college. I had filled up one of those tickets for The Coffee Bean where you get a free coffee after buying 12 coffees (sadly, they discontinued that program) Anyway, so I’m looking at the board and start to ask for one of the small, cheaper ice blends when the guy says, “You know, you can get any size and any type you want.” Smiling, I proceeded to order a tall black forest ice blended mocha, which has ground-up chocolate covered espresso beans. I drank that whole bad boy down in an hour. I recall having to pee very, very badly bouncing off the walls at Tower Records, and scaring a few hobos. Mmmmmm, sugar and caffeine.

  13. Chuck – Well I like to break the TSA policies by carrying more than 3-ounces in body cavities. 😉

    L’il E – Both ways sound like hard work. 🙁 I’ll just keep away from coffee for now.

    Magpie – Yes, they do work, but like you said they are an acquired taste, like sitcoms on ABC.

    Domokun – No, I think mine is generic. That’s would explain the rhinestones falling off when I’m doing Sweatin’ to the Oldies.

    Emily – That was definitely fuckin’ funny! 😀 Thanks for the laugh! Are there more videos?

    Toni – Well sadly since Tower Records doesn’t exist anymore, you can’t bounce off the walls there.

    cybele – If I were so embarrassed by it, I would show you the blouse I made with a butterfly pattern on the back. 😉

    Luck O’ the Irish – I think the only people who don’t like the Bedazzler are people with hearts of coal and those with fashion sense.

    Suzanne – Are you talking about the Buzz Bites or the Bedazzler?

  14. Eh you’d be less fun if you weren’t all hopped up on energy drinks all the time probably anyway! You need that ephedra and guarana and whatever else. Did you know the Nazis invented Meth? Saw it on the History Channel last night, and racists in the American Southwest brought about the prohibition of marijuana.

  15. L’il E – I’d definitely be normal if I weren’t sucking down cans of energy drinks. I guess they give me liquid personality.

  16. I said LESS fun. I don’t think even with less liquid you’d be anywhere near what anyone would typify as “normal.” 🙂 Fun? Yes? Witty-as-hell? You betcha. Normal? Never.

  17. L’il E – Oh, how I wish to be normal some day. Maybe if I see the wizard, he’ll give the lion a heart and he’ll give me ritalin.

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