REVIEW: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango

I think I’ve long passed the stage when I would lose fluids during sleep, because I don’t use disposable plastic sheets or diapers anymore and I no longer sweat from the nightmares I used to have that consisted of me auditioning for American Idol by singing the Boyz II Men song “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday,” but I’m auditioning as that guy who was the least attractive member of the 1990s R&B group Color Me Badd.

Yes, the long haired dude that kind of looked like Kenny G.

However, according to the bottle of Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango I’ve been chugging from for the past two mornings, I apparently lose fluids and energy while I sleep. Here’s what it said:

Gatorade A.M. helps put back the fluids and energy you lose during a full night’s sleep. It’s the same scientifically proven formula in flavors designed for the morning.

I don’t know if I truly lose fluids while I’m asleep, but I do know that when I sleep, I’m losing five to eight hours of my life that I’ll never get back and that upsets me. I think this feeling is much like what most people go through after watching an episode of the ABC “sitcom” According to Jim.

That’s five to eight hours I could be using to do things I enjoy, like cooking a fine Italian meal with a bottle of Ragu sauce, sucking the helium from balloons and reciting lines from Star Wars, making meth in my shower, constructing paper clip chains, organizing my vast boxer collection by color, seeing how many bowls of different cereals it takes to equal the nutritional value in one bowl of Total cereal, having blind taste tests between all the variations of Coke and Pepsi, perfecting the “richness” of my “custard” in my “Creme brulee,” and organizing my vast boxer brief collection by testicle snugness.

I wish the scientists at Gatorade would create a version of Gatorade which helps me put back the hours I lose during a full night’s sleep. Perhaps they could call it Gatorade T.M., which would stand for “time machine.” That would be more impressive than Gatorade A.M.

I may not believe I lose fluids when I’m asleep, but usually right after I wake up I definitely lose a lot of fluids when I unbutton my pajama pants, unleash my “Mothra,” and “shoot my silk spray into Tokyo.”

After I’m done, I think then I could use some Gatorade A.M. to help replace the fluids I just lost “shooting Tokyo with my silk spray.” But if you think about it, if I drank half a bottle of Gatorade A.M. to put back the fluids I lost during sleep or “spraying Tokyo,” I’m pretty sure 30-60 minutes later I’m going to have the urge to lose the fluids I just consumed.

Drinking Gatorade A.M. every morning for the past few days didn’t seem to improve my mornings better than my usual morning beverages, either water, milk, orange juice, apple juice, or whatever energy drink is sitting in my fridge mixed with vodka. The tropical mango flavor was good, but didn’t really taste like mango and it was also surprisingly sweet for a Gatorade.

Adding caffeine to the Gatorade A.M. would’ve probably made it better and help it become a true morning beverage that could get me through my repetitive morning rituals, but drinking it every morning to replace the fluids I lost during sleep would probably get expensive, like excessive magazine subscriptions, shopping at Neiman Marcus, or disposable plastic sheets.

Item: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango
Price: $1.79 (32-ounces)
Purchased at: 7-Eleven
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good tropical mango flavor. Helps replace the fluids lost during sleep and after peeing. Helium. Organized underwear.
Cons: Kinda too sweet for a sports drink. Didn’t really taste like mango, so I guess I cannot have The Mango. Losing valuable hours while I sleep. According to Jim. My nightmares of me auditioning for American Idol as the homely guy from Color Me Badd.

33 thoughts to “REVIEW: Gatorade A.M. Tropical Mango”

  1. Mia – Gatorade makes me want to be like Mike…and run with wolves.

    Toni – Even more horrifying…just like the monster Mothra, my Mothra also comes with two small Japanese twins. ::wink:: ::wink::

    Clevegal42 – A Gatorade IV would come in handy for you.

    cybele – I once had a chain made out of those twist-ties that came with loaves of bread.

    mare – Well technically, my Mothra does have something like a vagina at the end of it. Yes, that was too much information.

    Webmiztris – I willing to bet you actually danced to “I Wanna Sex You Up.”

    Kiki – But which Mothra do you prefer? Silkworm-looking Mothra or moth-looking Mothra?

    calvin – Melted milkshakes? Dude, you seriously need to clean your room.

    Brie – Sadly, I think I was wearing Hammer pants.

    Zadillo – At least he’s doing better than I thought, which was being a custodian at a record label.

  2. Being allergic to mango, I don’t think I’ll be trying this. Also, I don’t like Gatorade. Also, I prefer coffee in the morning.

    Also, I’m a douche.

  3. I think you missed the point.

    It’s ‘AM’ because its for drinking when you got absolutely shit-faced the night before and didn’t drink enough water before you went to bed (this is absolutely fucking key), so to cure the massive hangover you have you now need to replenish your fluids with the proven electrolytic formula that is Gatorade.
    The flavors are ‘morning’ appropriate so that drinking it doesn’t make you feel even more sick.

  4. Sep – If it had the face of Osama Bin Laden on the packaging it would’ve brought the Trifecta of Hate.

    marit – Shhh!!! You’re giving them ideas!!!

    dvs01 – When I get absolutely shit-faced, I shall try this.

  5. I went to the Gatorade website to look at the nutritional info, but I keep getting a ‘page not found’.

    At any rate, no one needs that kind of sugar in the morning. Ick!

  6. Actually they just missed the prefix “Gatorade 4 AM” “Helps put back the fluids and electrolytes lost during the previous nights bender” Optional weighted base to minimize spillage from drunken flailing arms”

  7. Wait a minute, I feel an inspiration for some new sports drinks:

    Gatorade BM: Helps put back lost fluids and electrolytes from Kenny’s explosive diarrhea

    Gatorade PMS: Containing 6% Methaqualone from 1967, prevents needless abuse of significant other 25% of the month

    Gatorade STD: Contains 10% bleach to significantly prevent nasty infections and be “an effective decay preventive dentifice that can be of significant value when used in a program of ….. and regular dental care”

    Gatorade BMW: Cost? If you have to ask, you cannot afford it

    Gatorade Goth: Blood red because it contains 20% blood! Duh! A great protein replacement because blood is 7% protein. It’s late at night and after running the Ironman you need some REAL protein. What better than Gatorade goth!
    Recommended by Bahaus and Buffy the Vampire Slayer

    Gatorade PH: No! it has nothing to do with acids or base, it’s Paris Hilton’s favorate pink drink for her and her doggie

  8. Serturner – Gatorade USA: Purple colored, because that’s what colors red, white and blue would make.

    L’il E – I would probably die after taking one of those, but I think my apartment would be pretty clean after taking one.

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