I don’t walk into a Hallmark store for greeting cards anymore because when I looked through the aisles filled with folded cards, colorful envelopes, and middle-aged women, I couldn’t find a card that truly expressed what I was thinking or feeling.
I find that most of those Hallmark cards are predictable, like the use of the word “beaner” in a Carlos Mencia joke. “I love you,” “Happy Birthday,” “I miss you,” “Merry Christmas,” or “I have herpes” are just some of the phrases that you might find inside a typical greeting card. I want my greeting cards to say more than that. If I already know what it’s going to say inside, why even bother opening it? Just pull the card out, shake it, and let the cash, personal check, gift card, or condom fall onto my lap.
Thank goodness for Bald Guy Greeting Cards, which have more to say that a typical greeting card and does it with sarcasm. With these cards you won’t find rainbows being used as a metaphor for friendship, love, or the bridge into womanhood.
Instead, you have cards that say what you’re truly thinking, but too afraid to say out loud, unless you’re an asshole. For example, one of their birthday cards I picked up says on the outside, “Happy Birthday (I guess),” then on the inside it says, “For the record, my birthday was on _______ and you didn’t get me a card. Not even an email. But that’s okay. Happy Birthday to you, I guess.”
There have been several occasions when I really needed a card like that.
Another card I picked out for a future wedding says on the outside, “Congratulations on your wedding,” while on the inside it says, “I hope you like your gift. Since you went to the store, picked it out and registered for it. Actually, if you don’t like it, it’s kind of your fault.”
Despite them being honest, I really wish there was more profanity in the cards. You know, to keep it real. One card I found used the word “asshole,” but that was pretty much it. Seriously, which would have more of an impact:
a. For the record, my birthday was on _______ and you didn’t get me a card. Not even an email. But that’s okay. Happy Birthday to you, I guess.
b. For the record, my fucking birthday was on ______ and you didn’t get me a fucking card. Not even a fucking email. But that’s okay. Happy Birthday to you, fucker.
Another thing that slightly bothered me about the Bald Guy greeting cards were the drawing on the front of every card. Each emo-ish character looked like something that haunts my dreams, much like New York’s eyelashes do.
Speaking of dreams, I once dreamt of becoming a greeting card writer, so that whenever the dreaded question “What are you going to do with an English Degree?” came up, I could reply “Write greeting cards, bitches!” to my aunts and uncles.
You know what? I think that might just make a good greeting card for English majors.
Item: Bald Guy Greeting Cards
Price: $3.00 (per card)
Purchased at: www.baldguygreetings.com
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sarcastic cards. Honest. Perfect cards for certain situations. Profanity. Money inside a card.
Cons: Drawings haunt my dreams. Needs more profanity. New York’s eyelashes. Rainbows being used as a metaphor for friendship. love, and the bridge into womanhood. Getting a card that says, “I have herpes.”
18 thoughts to “Bald Guy Greeting Cards”
I think the cards are designed to haunt your dreams and the pictures just add to the effect. I’m not sure which are more twisted, these or those Uncooked greeting cards, but they’re both pretty funny.
you should try writing for http://www.someecards.com
dark, funny and available in the commercial wasteland that is rural Europe (did I mention free?)
Love me some Bald Guy cards, but I gotta also support my main supplier of not-nice cards: http://uncookedland.com/
Got the “Trailer” Xmas cards to send out this year. More my humor, but I love Bald Guy.
Thanks Marvo, it’s so hard to find funny wedding cards. Apparently birthdays can be hilarious but weddings are SOLEMN.
those cards are totally rad. 😀
Cool cards! I need one stat, but didn’t see what I was looking for. Can you make me one?
Something along the lines of Happy Holidays to you too even though we never ever talk. Why do people mail you cards at holidays when you haven’t heard from them any other time of the year?
You might try http://www.uncookedland.com/home.html as well. One of their holiday greetings says, “snowflakes probably wouldn’t be as lovely if they were shaped like prostitutes”. I don’t actually get it, but for some reason it makes me laugh every time I read it.
I usually make my own cards (cheaper, more personal!) but this 23rd Birthday one will work great since a lot of my friends will be turning 23 for their next birthdays. MMM, SO INSIGNIFICANT!
I also like this one.
Very funny! I’m so buying those cards. And I hope they DO give the recipient a nightmare or four…
I think the dude on the card looks high. lol. Maybe if the dude was more prettier and had hair, I would like him. He scares me as much as Paris Hilton.
fuck yeah, english majors. we’re good for something. at least that’s what i tell myself as my degree smirks at me from behind its frame, taunting me every morning as i head out the door to my meaningless not-so-much english degree needing type job. bah.
these cards seem awesome for random greeting purposes. i was always a fan of the hallmark line of ‘fresh ink’ cards, with the bizarre art and even stranger sentiments, but i can’t seem to find them anymore. these will have to do. or, they’ll goddamn have to fucking do. whichever works.
Chuck – Anything that haunt my dreams, isn’t very good. That’s why I don’t watch anything with Tila Tequila.
FatYoli – I’m a fan of those e-cards. So simple, so dark, and so free.
Domokun – I have to admit that I do prefer Uncooked, because they don’t have scary emo-ish drawings.
Karen – Unless it’s a Star Wars themed wedding!!!
Webmiztris – Kitty Whip is also rad!
Susu – If I were the greeting card fairy I would totally do one for you, but I’m the procrastination and depression fairy, and that doesn’t help you one bit.
MCW – Any card that involves prostitutes is a good card.
Robyn – I would make my own cards, but they would probably consist of scratch paper and stick drawings.
demondoll – I Lord, you’re going to send me one aren’t you. You want me to suffer, don’cha.
Shannon – If the dude was a chick, I would probably like it more, but not sleep-with-the-chick more.
betsy – My English degree is in a box somewhere.
Bald Guy Greetings are hysterical. I still remember the first time I saw them, I was floored. Uncooked has more cards, but I feel like Bald Guy Greetings are a little smarter. Does that make sense? Can a card really be smarter? Maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Okay, well I looked at some of the cards and i laughed like hell. My favorite one was I’m so happy you’re pregnant. I thought you were getting fat. FUNNY! LOL! I still think the dude on the card is scary.
Brad – If it can kick my ass in Scrabble, I consider it smarter.
Shannon – Those sketched out dude will haunt my dreams forever.
This cracked me up, because I have an English degree from Michigan State, or more accurately, a Bachelor of Arts degree in Liberal Arts blahblahblah, and when it came time for companies to come to campus and woo us into working for them, the first interview I had was with Hallmark. But they didn’t want greeting card writers so much as people who could write but could also design and market. Yeah, not so much.
Elizabeth – I could’ve written and designed cards, but all the cards would’ve had stick figure drawings on them or clips from the newspaper.
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