Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink

I believe I have found something worse than coal that Santa can give out to the naughty kids for Christmas this year.

If jolly St. Nick wants to be pissed off St. Dick and punish all the little shits around the world, he should stick the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink in their stockings because it is probably one of the most vile beverages I have ever put between my lips and down my gullet.

It’s like they took the essence of the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, strained it into liquid form, added a little carbonation, and sealed it in an aluminum can, because much like the 2 Girls 1 Cup video, this beverage made me cry, grimace, and shout out loud, “DAMN, THAT’S FUCKING NASTY!”

(Editor’s Note: If you don’t know what 2 Girls 1 Cup is, it is VERY NSFW (Insert Fark bill here). It is so horribly disgusting that I am not even going to provide a link for it. It is one of the most repulsive things I have ever seen…a couple dozen times.)

The best way I can describe the taste of the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink is to say that its tart chemical flavor was like drinking a photo darkroom. Its ingredients consisted of water, organic kombucha concentrate, organic green tea, organic cane juice, black currant (cassis) juice concentrate, cherry juice concentrate, and carbonation. The cherry and the cassis give it a tartness, the green tea gives it antioxidants, while the kombucha gives it a shitiness.

In the context of the ingredients list, kombucha seems like it is a fruit with a funny name, like a jaboticaba, but it is actually a symbiosis of bacteria and yeast. Doesn’t that just roll down your tongue, then down your throat, and then back up your throat? Yummy!

According to the can, kombucha is supposed to detoxify, energize, help strengthen the immune system, aid digestion, and regulate appetite. The only effect I could notice was my lack of appetite, thanks to it making me a little nauseous. Even reading the Wikipedia page about kombucha made me slightly queasy.

With its unusual name and natural origins, it is something I expect hippies and Madonna to be into, but I could not get into it, despite forcing myself to drink half of the can. “I’m sure it is an acquire taste,” I said to myself, but every sip I took felt like what I imagine it is like being Lucifer’s urinal.

Sure, the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink contains all-natural ingredients and is good for you, but I’m pretty certain that someone who drinks their own urine would find this particular Wonder Drink disgusting.

If the Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink can make me cry and wince, imagine all the pain and suffering it could cause with all the rotten children out there, perhaps setting them straight. It could help decrease teen pregnancy, lower drug use, increase test scores, and open their eyes to how lame Heelys are.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can – 80 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 17 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 100 grams of holy-shit-what-the-fuck-is-this!)

Item: Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink
Price: $1.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Uwajimaya
Rating: 1 out of 5
Pros: 100% natural. Partially organic. Contains green tea and antioxidants. Kombucha is a funny word to say. Those on the nice list.
Cons: Being Lucifer’s urinal. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Not a source of vitamins and minerals. 2 Girls 1 Cup. It tastes like a photo darkroom. 2 Girls 1 Cup. I am not man enough to drink an entire can. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Heelys. 2 Girls 1 Cup. Those on the naughty list.

24 thoughts to “Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink”

  1. Damn you! This review made me google “2 Girls 1 Cup”. Blerg. Now I can’t get those 2 wasted minutes back, and now those images will be forever burned in my mind.

  2. Nevis – It will also haunt your dreams…sorry about that.

    Shannon – I guess this year you won’t be haunted by the Ghost of Christmas Past, instead you’ll be haunted by the Ghost of That Girl’s Ass. GO RHYMING!

    ah – Actually, I just visited and Uwajimaya is one of my favorite places to go.

    Chuck – I’ve never gone down the crooked, crust path of going down on Paris Hilton, but I’m going to doubt this is less vile.

    Susu – If you were burning somewhere else, this might help.

  3. I’ve got to say, Kombucha itself taste very good. i haven’t had this drink, but I would honestly imagine that it was the Cherry and other flavors that made it taste bad. The same company makes a 6 ounce drink of just pure Kombucha, which actually tastes very good. It has the flavor of some kind of cinnamony/spiced juice with a little carbonation. I blame the cherry.

  4. My dreams are going to be haunted now? Will drinking ‘Cherry Cassis Kombucha Wonder Drink’ keep me up and away from said nightmares? Ironic, don’t ya think?

  5. Thanks Marvo, now the next time i see this stuff at the corner store i am just going to barf all over the front of the glass case. Thanks a lot for referencing that f-ing 2 girls video. You are an evil dick.

    PS yeah I’ll keep reading the site. But you are evil.

  6. Marvo, more importanly than our combined repulsion for the video, what did you bring back from Seattle for all of us? (no, no, please not a smug, self-important hipster attitude, anything but that…)

  7. Actually, Lindsey Lohan in apparently a big fan of this stuff. She probobly just puts it in her bong.

    I’ve tried this stuff. It tasted like vinegar.

  8. Why on earth would drink ‘half the can’. 😉 Comparing it to 2 girls 1 cup was just not an image I needed this morning; but oh so funny. Most energy, vitamin or whatever the hell you want to call them, drinks SUCK. I still don’t understand how my husbands downs those energy drinks. The list of ingredients would have put me off. ‘Organic cane juice’? All that is, is pure cane syrup instead of the granulated sugar. Yuck! Now I need to go look up what Kombucha is…I am scared to find out.

  9. I have to add…I checked out kombucha. No wonder it tastes so nasty; it is fermented tea….makes me want to yack just thinking of it.

  10. I hate energy/wonder drinks. If you want energy, drink coffee or tea (or here’s a crazy thought, how about some water?).

    I’m also getting annoyed with miracle food claims. If we all try to eat better we won’t need “wonder” drinks to cure our assorted health problems.

  11. Shannon – Sadly, that is the power of an English degree from a state university.

    LordJezo – I would pay $10,000 to hunt Father Christmas on a secluded island.

    Calvin – While doing research on kombucha (yes, I actually do research) I found that other people said that kombucha itself tastes good. I know the hippie store down the street sells it, so maybe I’ll give it a try.

    Nevis – Unfortunately, this won’t keep you up. No caffeine. No vitamin B.

    ultradave – At least you don’t have to clean up the glass case.

    Molly – I already have a smug, self-important hipster attitude, because I shop at Banana Republic…Outlet. I did bring back a lot of stuff to review, most of it disgusting.

    Hunter – Lohan does this…Pfff, like it helps her. She could drink a gallon of this and it still wouldn’t detoxify her.

    Laura – NOOO!!! They’re full of sweet, sweet caffeine. Me likey the caffeine. If I could get caffeine in a five pound rock form, I would constantly pet it.

    Karen – If I stop drinking energy drinks, there would be less stuff to review. Plus, it’s fun being hyped up on caffeine…until the crash hit.

  12. I’m done with all of those energy/healthy drinks! they always taste shitty and make me feel worse to boot.

    Nope. I’m sticking to my Dr. Pepper.

  13. This beverage sounds horrid, but Kombucha is wonderful, and I really like green tea. So, as a nice, warm alternative, might I suggest: Yogi Tea’s Kombucha Green Tea. A mild, delicious, gentle wake-up.

  14. Most of those “energy drinks” do little for you, it is only the caffeine buzz that makes you feel engergized, hence the ” I feel crappy” after effects. I drank them too until I learned in Pharmacy classes that they are just as unregulated and useless as most over the counter nutritional supplements and diet aids.
    Thanks for another entertaining and informative review… and I hope i never actually get tricked into watching the 2 girls nastiness.

  15. I guarantee you would like kombucha if you managed to find the real thing. I get mine from a farmer, in a jar. It tastes like those Woodchuck alcoholic ciders. Yes, the wikipedia explanation is scary, but seriously, find someone who makes it themselves and you’re golden.

  16. You think “2 Girls 1 Cup” is nasty?
    Go watch “2 Girls 1 Finger” and then you’ll really see what nasty is, lol!

  17. Suzanne – I wish Dr. Pepper actually had some health value to it. With the prefix Dr. it should.

    Alisha Smith – I used to drink those, but nowadays that’s way too much for me.

    Tiffany – I think I will give normal kombucha a try. I wonder if the hippie natural foods store down the street carries it.

    Bikerbabeee – But caffeine has been so good to me. I don’t know if I can let go. It is the nectar that fuels my soul.

    Erin – I have a friend who says he gets stuff from a “farmer” expect it comes in a “bag.” 😉

    BPyser1 – I don’t have the stomach right now to watch it, but curiosity will eventually get the best of me, and I will Google it and watch…a few dozen times.

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