Month: January 2009

REVIEW: Bud Light & Clamato Chelada

Marvo 52 Comments

Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius

(Real Men of Genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

Combining the watery goodness of Bud Light with the tomato clam juiciness of Clamato is usually only done by mad scientists and really, really, really, really, really drunk people. You also added salt and lime, but those don’t help the fact that you probably created the most ghetto bloody mary ever. Dr. Frankenstein used scavenged body parts to create his monster, but your hodgepodge creation would probably make him squirm.

(I ain’t going to drink that!)

Those who have balls big enough to drink it may not be able to smell and taste the clams or the beer, but the tomato is there punching their senses with a salty tomato soup look, smell and taste that only hobos can love. It’s somewhat tolerable, didn’t make me gag too much and I might’ve been able to nurse it until it was gone, except you weren’t kind enough to put it in a regular 12-ounce can.

Oh no.

Instead you decided to put your clammy concoction in a huge 24-ounce aluminum jug, making it impossible to finish without it getting warm, which makes the Chelada feel like someone rinsed their mouth with it and spit it back into the can.

(You sadistic bastard!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Champion of the Clamato and Backer of the Bud Light, because you’re going to find out if it mixes well with Grey Poupon.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 151 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15.6 grams of carbohydrates, 1.9 grams of protein, and 4.2% alcohol/volume.)

Item: Bud Light & Clamato Chelada
Price: $2.49
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Didn’t make me gag too much. It contains alcohol. Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads.
Cons: Tomato punching your senses. Mixing Bud Light & Clamato. It comes in a 24-ounce can. Tastes much worse when warm. Would make Dr. Frankenstein squirm. Bud Light mixed with Grey Poupon.

NEWS: Kellogg’s Ensures There Will Never Be More Saw Movies Than Pop-Tarts Flavors

Marvo 17 Comments

I think it’s now official.

I need to jump into a body of water contaminated with nuclear waste in order to grow more toes and fingers so that I can count the number of Pop-Tarts flavors out there.

Kellogg’s recently introduced two new flavors to go along with the 4,349 other flavors available at your favorite grocer. The Chocolate Banana Split is filled with banana and chocolate filling with frosting and sprinkles on top. The limited edition Orange Cream contains orange cream filling and is topped with frosting and orange icing. The Orange Cream Pop-Tarts, sound intriguing because I love Orange Dreamsicles. As for the Chocolate Banana Split, I think I would probably enjoy it very much because the chocolate will satisfy the sweet tooth in me, while the banana will satisfy my hairy monkey urges — except the urge for flinging poop.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Know You Want To Win Popchips AND See Me Dance Like A Robot

Marvo 193 Comments

After reading my review of Popchips and feeling sorry about the fact that I couldn’t get the larger bags of Popchips here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the head marketing person at Popchips sent me a box that contained several of the larger bags. I have four of those bags left (after putting the Parmesan Garlic ones on the side for myself) in the following flavors: Original, Barbeque, Salt & Vinegar, and Salt & Pepper. I could get gluttonous on their asses and eat them myself, but I would like more people to try Popchips so I’m going to give away one bag to four lucky readers.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the flavor you would like to win and whatever else you want to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it is open to EVERYONE who’s 18 years old or older.

Oh wait. There is one last thing.

In honor of the “pop” in Popchips, for every entry received, I will attempt to do some popping for one second. Once all the entries are received, I’ll count them up, put on my dancing shoes, record a video of my crappy popping for a length of time determined by the number of entries, and post it to YouTube for you to cringe at. So if there are 60 entries, I will bust out my poor popping abilities for one minute.

Now some of you might be asking yourself, “What’s popping?” My response would be for you to look it up on YouTube. Another question you’re probably asking yourself is, “Why are you always dancing in your videos?” My answer to that question is, “Sometimes I just have to shake it.”

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails with a link to my webcam where you can see me get naughty. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you my bills. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or another Saw movie.

REVIEW: Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink

Marvo 14 Comments

I stopped caring about hip-hop after Biggie got shot, Tupac got popped, and Wreckx-n-Effect disbanded, so all I know about Lil Jon is that he helped coin the word “crunk,” he likes saying YEAH!!! and WHAT? and he’s the 21st Century version of Flavor Flav in terms of looks, talent, and jeweled teeth. He also has his own line of energy drinks, the most recent being Crunk!!! Berry.

Since I have no idea what “crunk” means because I’m old, can’t understand what the Ying Yang Twins are saying, and want those damn kids to get off my lawn, I had to look up the definition of “crunk” in the Urban Dictionary, which says:

A state of high energy, as described by rapper Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz. Southern word for getting rowdy, out of control, having fun, partying, going crazy.

So basically “crunk” is a noise complaint or 911 call waiting to happen.

After drinking the Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink, I expected to get “crunked” and “buckwild” since it contained almost every B Vitamin in existence and 96 milligrams of caffeine. I did get a big boost from it, but didn’t get rowdy or out of control. Unless you consider grinding my body against my vacuum cleaner while barking like a dog “out of control.” This energy drink also contained a list of ingredients that sounded like they belong in a witch’s caldron: horny goat weed, white willow, skullcap, and ashwaganda.

WHAT are they for?

I’m pretty sure they’re there to get me and you crunked out of our frickin’ minds. YEAH!!!

The Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink smelled like grape juice and its initial taste also reminded me of grape juice, but then the acai berry flavor hit me which was quite tart, and finally, its aftertaste reminded me of raisins. It was like a rainbow containing only purple and at the end of that rainbow was a decent tasting energy drink.

It wasn’t the best energy drink I’ve tasted, but it did give me a good boost of energy and I guess that’s what’s most important when you’re trying to get crunked.

YEAH!!!

(Supplement Facts – 8 ounces – 120 calories, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 28 grams of sugar, 50% Vitamin C, 25% Vitamin E, 25% Vitamin B1, 95% Vitamin B2, 95% Vitamin B3, 95% Vitamin B6, 95% Vitamin B12, 95% Vitamin B5, 4% Calcium, 2% Magnesium, 4% Selenium, and 4% Sodium.)

Item: Crunk!!! Berry Energy Drink
Price: FREE
Size: 16 ounces
Purchased at: Received from Crunk!!! Energy Drink
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Nice boost of energy. Like a purple rainbow. Full of B Vitamins and stuff that will get you crunked. 96 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine.
Cons: Not the best energy drink I’ve tasted. Contains High Fructose Corn Syrup. Name contains excessive exclamation points. The blinding shine from Lil Jon’s teeth. I’m old. Damn kids on my lawn. Wreckx-n-Effect disbandment.

NEWS: Pomegranate May Lose Its Health Cred After Jack in the Box Adds Pomegranate Item to Menu

Marvo 5 Comments

It looks like pomegranate has finally sold out and now must turn in its Superfood Card.

Jack in the Box, usually known for their high-sodium and high-fat fare and being one of the Five Horsemen of the Fast Food Apocalypse, introduced their new Pomegranate Berry Smoothie today. I don’t know about you, but it’s unusual to see pomegranate on a menu board filled with burgers, fried items and salads that have over 1000 milligrams of sodium.

Made from a blend of pomegranate, blueberry, red raspberry and cranberry Minute Maid fruit juices and purees blended with nonfat frozen yogurt, the latest smoothie could possibly be the best thing for you on the Jack in the Box menu. Although the 56 grams of sugar in the smaller size, might cause people to say otherwise. But I think the antioxidants found in each of the fruits included might negate the sugar content. It comes in 16- and 24-ounce sizes and retails for $2.99 and $3.99, respectively. The smaller size contains 280 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 250 milligrams of potassium, 69 grams of carbs, and the previously mentioned, 53 grams of sugar.