REVIEW: Braun bodycruZer

Sometimes I dream of being able to take off my shirt in public and jog shirtless, just like male athletes, overweight men without shame and douchebags. But, unfortunately, my torso has the unsightly body issue trifecta, which consists of pale skin that reflects sunlight, a gut that jiggles like Jello and makes you wonder if Jim stuck Dwight’s stapler in it and enough hair to make people break out their cameras and take pictures of my physique so that they can sell them to the National Enquirer as Sasquatch photos.

Sure, I can pet myself and imagine a dog or cat is resting on my chest, but in this tropical environment, all that hair makes these summer months seem a little bit warmer. Thankfully, I have the Braun bodycruZer to help me with my body hair because I want a chest that’s as smooth as a douchebag’s.

The Braun bodycruZer is a electric manscaper, able to knock down any forest on a man’s body, whether they be in the northern hemisphere, like your chest, or in the southern hemisphere, like your…um…dangling South America. It’s similar to another manscaping utility — the Norelco Bodygroom.

While both tools can be used in and out of the shower, have rechargeable batteries that lasts for 50 minutes and have a trimmer/razor combo, the bodycruZer is significantly less noisy, which really does make a difference because the loud buzzing sound the Bodygroom emits makes me somewhat scared to bring it near my dangling South America. Also, while the Bodygroom uses a foil electric razor, the bodycruZer incorporates the five bladed Gillette Fusion, which can be used alone or in combination with the trimmer, which also can be used by itself.

I think the replaceable Fusion blades gave me a closer shave on my chest, compared with the Bodygroom, but I was hesitant to bring them near my South America because I was afraid to cut off Buenos Aires. The blades worked fine when I chopped down my Panamanian rainforest, but I was scared to bring them lower south.

However, my South America didn’t mind the bodycruZer’s trimmer, which was very powerful and easily knocked down longer hairs. I felt more comfortable with the trimmer because its teeth are small and the gaps between them are short, which make them unlikely to snag skin. However, when it gets dull, you can’t just replace the trimmer part. Instead you have to replace the entire unit, unlike the Bodygroom, which uses trimmer cartridges.

Overall, I think the Braun bodycruZer does a good job of manscaping. I have the smooth chest of a douchebag and my South America is much like the real South America in that there has been lots of deforestation. However, if you’re diligent with your manscaping and all you deal with is stubble, you probably don’t need a bodycruZer. A regular men’s shaving razor will do just fine, unless you’re Manny Ramirez, and if that’s the case, you’ll need a women’s shaving razor. But if you like to let things grow, then the bodycruZer will get the job done fast.

Item: Braun bodycruZer
Price: FREE (retails for $60 – $70)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Received unit from Braun
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job of manscaping. Uses Gillette Fusion shaving technology. Rechargeable battery. Less noisy than the Norelco Bodygroom. You can use the razor or trimmer by themselves, or you can use both of them at the same time. Small teeth in trimmer make them unlikely to snag my scrotum. Can be used in or out of the shower. My smooth chest. Deforestation of MY South America.
Cons: The messed up capitalization in its name. Gillette Fusion blades might not seem very safe on the scrotum. Trimmer is not replaceable. Pricey compared to the Bodygroom, which is almost half the price of bodycruZer. Manny Ramirez’s use of female hormones. Really hairy balls. Deforestation of South America.

24 thoughts to “REVIEW: Braun bodycruZer”

  1. $60! That’s way too much! You can get a cheapy hair trimmer from Walgreen’s and a good razor for way less and it’ll do the job much better…not saying that I would know though.

    I hate the improper capitalization in the name…for that I will never purchase it. It insults my intelligence…which isn’t much.

    Damn Marvo, I was hopping for that foreshadowed nipple shot!

  2. Personally, I prefer hairy men. The men with smooth chests look like muscular women. I have a theory that the trend toward hairless men is an indication of increasing sexual immaturity among adults, or perhaps greater infestations of body lice.

    At any rate, viva male body hair!

  3. Lol Marvo you are too funny. “South America” that’s great.

    @Bear is right $60 is way too much, especially for us broke people. (No I wouldn’t use it talk for my hubby here).

    Anyway good luck with the ladies now that you can have your smooth chest! lol

  4. I think I’d probably just use the Gillette Fusion for my deforestation needs and just be very very careful when I got to South America.

  5. I think there is an operation you can have to get rid of all that hair for good. They chop your body off below the necks.

  6. angry bob doesn’t mind improper capitalization if you’re trying to make some kind of point by emphasizing a letter, but what exactly are they trying to say with that “Z”? That it’s OK to fall asleep while trimming SA? (It is not) That they stole e. e. cummings’ typewriter? That angry bob should set their factory on fire?

    Also, the dude on the packaging is not looking like a guy trimming the hedges so much as a guy enjoying a similarly shaped battery-operated device just out of the picture.

  7. Improper capitalization in the scourge of the earth and must be fought against by every man, woman and child.

    I’m with Orchid64 — who wants a guy who looks like he’s 10 years old?

    A product review AND* a geography lesson — is there anything this blog can’t do??

    * All caps for emphasis = okay; random caps for emphasis = orthography of the devil

  8. @Bear Silber: About the nipple shot, I thought about it, but I once showed my hairy armpit and I believe I lost a few hundred readers. If I showed my hairy nipple, I think you might be the only reader left.

    @Orchid64: A muscular woman, you say? Well, that would be a step up for me because with hair I look like a hairy woman. 🙂

    @Erin Brooks: Like I said, a standard razor will do the job, but this is quite handy.

    @Chuck: I wonder what old school folks did the deforest down there. I can’t imagine men using straight razors down there.

    @Ken: I look forward to that review too. I hope it happens soon, but not before my hair down there grows back.

    @rob: But that’s way too messy and then what does one do with the body.

    @angry bob: If you flip it around, the rounded end could be a similarly shaped battery-operated device.

    @Jay: If there’s a female version of this, we will try to make that happen.

    @Anna: This blog can’t satisfy women.

  9. I was going to write about about my fondness for male chest hair, but I’ll pass on that and just remark that I’m really disappointed about the lack of nipple action in this post.

  10. Hairy men are good because they can’t comment when the landing strip grows into forest.

  11. I am a minimally hairy woman, but I prefer hairy men =]. Happy trails are alright, but happy forests are what’s up.

  12. @Natalie: When I thought about it, I realized that nipple action = loss of readers.

    @weerachai: good.

    @grinder: Landing strip…No, no,no. Open field.

    @Mallory: I think me and Tom Sellcck are going to bring hairy back.

  13. @yr momz: Actually, Body Cruiser sounds like any type of bath house — gay or straight.

    @theskinnyplate: No, I mowed it all down.

  14. I have BRAUN BODYCRUZER I HAVE chearger is not working what can i du please sand me new then i can use my oprater if the cost i pay

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