Sometimes I dream of being able to take off my shirt in public and jog shirtless, just like male athletes, overweight men without shame and douchebags. But, unfortunately, my torso has the unsightly body issue trifecta, which consists of pale skin that reflects sunlight, a gut that jiggles like Jello and makes you wonder if Jim stuck Dwight’s stapler in it and enough hair to make people break out their cameras and take pictures of my physique so that they can sell them to the National Enquirer as Sasquatch photos.
Sure, I can pet myself and imagine a dog or cat is resting on my chest, but in this tropical environment, all that hair makes these summer months seem a little bit warmer. Thankfully, I have the Braun bodycruZer to help me with my body hair because I want a chest that’s as smooth as a douchebag’s.
The Braun bodycruZer is a electric manscaper, able to knock down any forest on a man’s body, whether they be in the northern hemisphere, like your chest, or in the southern hemisphere, like your…um…dangling South America. It’s similar to another manscaping utility — the Norelco Bodygroom.
While both tools can be used in and out of the shower, have rechargeable batteries that lasts for 50 minutes and have a trimmer/razor combo, the bodycruZer is significantly less noisy, which really does make a difference because the loud buzzing sound the Bodygroom emits makes me somewhat scared to bring it near my dangling South America. Also, while the Bodygroom uses a foil electric razor, the bodycruZer incorporates the five bladed Gillette Fusion, which can be used alone or in combination with the trimmer, which also can be used by itself.
I think the replaceable Fusion blades gave me a closer shave on my chest, compared with the Bodygroom, but I was hesitant to bring them near my South America because I was afraid to cut off Buenos Aires. The blades worked fine when I chopped down my Panamanian rainforest, but I was scared to bring them lower south.
However, my South America didn’t mind the bodycruZer’s trimmer, which was very powerful and easily knocked down longer hairs. I felt more comfortable with the trimmer because its teeth are small and the gaps between them are short, which make them unlikely to snag skin. However, when it gets dull, you can’t just replace the trimmer part. Instead you have to replace the entire unit, unlike the Bodygroom, which uses trimmer cartridges.
Overall, I think the Braun bodycruZer does a good job of manscaping. I have the smooth chest of a douchebag and my South America is much like the real South America in that there has been lots of deforestation. However, if you’re diligent with your manscaping and all you deal with is stubble, you probably don’t need a bodycruZer. A regular men’s shaving razor will do just fine, unless you’re Manny Ramirez, and if that’s the case, you’ll need a women’s shaving razor. But if you like to let things grow, then the bodycruZer will get the job done fast.
Item: Braun bodycruZer
Price: FREE (retails for $60 – $70)
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Received unit from Braun
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Does a good job of manscaping. Uses Gillette Fusion shaving technology. Rechargeable battery. Less noisy than the Norelco Bodygroom. You can use the razor or trimmer by themselves, or you can use both of them at the same time. Small teeth in trimmer make them unlikely to snag my scrotum. Can be used in or out of the shower. My smooth chest. Deforestation of MY South America.
Cons: The messed up capitalization in its name. Gillette Fusion blades might not seem very safe on the scrotum. Trimmer is not replaceable. Pricey compared to the Bodygroom, which is almost half the price of bodycruZer. Manny Ramirez’s use of female hormones. Really hairy balls. Deforestation of South America.