Back in the day when young adults in the suburbs wanted to be rebels, they would pay their local hobo to pick them up a six-pack of wine coolers or a bottle of Boone’s Farm. A decade later the drink du jour for the underage set was Smirnoff Ice. Today, young folks turn to alcoholic energy drinks to make them knock themselves on their asses, rip off their clothes, put a lampshade on their heads and run around in circles while repeatedly singing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” — the Eric Cartman version.

The Mamba JOOSE’s can design makes Sparks look like a little pussy bitch, and I’m pretty sure Joose would say that right to Sparks’ face, if aluminum cans could talk. In return, Sparks would come back with, “Well, at least my name doesn’t rhyme with douche.” Joose would get super pissed off and beat the shit out of Sparks with its tribal tattooed arms, if aluminum cans had arms. This is the kind of alcoholic beverage we’re dealing with here, and I’m pretty sure after two cans of this D-Bag, or shall I say J-Bag, you’ll probably be exhibiting the same behavior.

The Mamba JOOSE is a premium malt beverage with our good energy fiends taurine, ginseng and caffeine. It tastes very fruity (don’t you dare say that to its face) and I kind of like it. I can’t really describe the flavor more in depth, because after a few sips my mind kind of voids anything, but then suddenly becomes alert and jittery. It does this better than a Red Bull and Vodka.

Clocking in at 9.9 percent alcohol, it packs a serious wallop. Let’s put it in perspective. Your run-of-the-mill Budweiser has only half of that, and the classic malt liquor, Olde English 800 (a.k.a Ol’ E) has only 5.9 percent. This combination of high alcohol content, taurine, caffeine and ginseng can’t be good for you. In fact, as of last month the FDA has given the makers of Joose and other alcoholic energy drinks 30 days to prove “clear evidence of safety” or they’ll take them off of the shelves. I’m not really crying over this, but I would like to at least try one of the other flavors.

I like a good beer, but I will admit I sometimes enjoy swillin’ some old school malt liquor, especially if I’m pregaming. I’m positive that Joose was made solely for pregaming activities, because there’s no reason to actually want to drink this other than wanting to get hammered quickly without having to tolerate the taste of beer.

If that’s what you’re looking to do, this Joose will get you loose.

(NOTE: Please drink responsibly.)

Item: Joose Mamba JOOSE
Price: $2.50
Size: 23.5 ounces
Purchased at: Steak & Hoagie Factory
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: High alcohol content for the price. Tastes really fruity. Good for pregaming. Not having to pay a hobo to get you booze. Cartman’s version of Lady Gaga’s Poker Face. More than one flavor available.
Cons: Taurine, caffeine and ginseng makes you way too jittery. Boone’s Farm. Doesn’t have the street cred like Ol’ E, Colt 45 or St. Ides. Might make you loose. Might not get to try another Joose flavor before the FDA bans it.

10 thoughts to “REVIEW: Joose Mamba JOOSE”

  1. A Steak & Hoagie Factory sounds divine. Also, I have to admit I didn’t know what pregaming meant and I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary. I. Am. Old.

  2. Joose is the devil. Every time I buy it, it seems like a good idea, but in the end it’s always a can full of regret.

  3. My boyfriend bought an entire case of the “purple” flavor (don’t ask) and it tasted like purple cough syrup laced with battery acid.

    Also, I love how “mamba” is considered an actual flavor. Your move, Jones soda.

    1. THAT WASN’T Joose he was sipping, it was sizzurp!!!!!!! UR boyfriend is a fiend for the purple drank!

  4. I bought a 24 pack of the stuff (grape flavor), hoping it was like sparks. It is quite a struggle to drink. Sip by sip, my face shriveled up at the horrid taste. And soldering on through the can was only driven by the motivation to not waste. I’ve since figured that I can only drink this when already drunk. Still have like 15 left, so there is still a steep mountain to climb. But Mamba is a good flavor you say, huh?

  5. Man, this sounds disgusting, but then, I’m pretty old school with beverages. I prefer coffee to energy drinks, and I’d rather have a rum and coke than something like this if I need to combine alcohol and caffeine. That said, I’d love to see how a case of Joose would affect my weekly poker party…

  6. They don’t sell this stuff in cases around here, but I wish they did. Not Joose specifically, but other drinks like Four Loko as well. Four Loko is probably my favorite of these hybrid energy-alco-pops. Joose is ok, but I wouldn’t recommend it for begginers.

    As far as the caffeine content goes, Sparks has already completely removed caffeine from its ingredients. It doesn’t quite taste the same anymore either. I would expect the other makers to follow suit, as they can still use taurine, guarana and the like.

    Thinking about it, I should start up a blog reviewing these types of beverages. I drink enough of them as it is. Thanks for the idea TIB!

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