REVIEW: Jimmy Dean Sausage and Cheese On A Croissant Breakfast Entrees

/ / Reviews / 14 Comments

I am not a morning person.

I wish I could tell you that I wake up at the crack of dawn, quickly jump out of bed, and sing the praises of being the early bird that gets the worm, but I don’t. Instead, I get up when my alarm clock tells me to. But even when it tells me to, I violently hit its snooze button 3-5 times before slowly rolling out of bed. And there aren’t any praises in the morning, just slightly loud cursing and threats at the inanimate object that wakes me up every morning.

There are things I would wake up early for, like Saturday morning cartoons, Macy’s sales, and the opportunity to stick it to senior citizens by getting up before they do, being the first in line when McDonald’s opens their doors, and buying all the coffee. But something I would not get up early for is the Jimmy Dean Sausage and Cheese on a Croissant Breakfast Entree.

Look at that picture above. Would you want to get up for that? If I woke up next to that, I would roll onto my side, fall back asleep, and hog all of the blankets, letting it get cold.

The sausage and cheese croissant, which makes the Burger King Croissanwich look like filet mignon, is in the tray’s main compartment, seasoned hash browns are in the upper right, and diced apples are in the lower right. I felt the need to point out where the hash browns and diced apples are because they could easily be confused, like Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, and zombies.

Jimmy Dean is known for his sausage and in this entree his sausage was tasty, albeit small, but EVERYTHING else didn’t come close to the quality of Jimmy Dean’s sausage. The croissant, which are usually crispy and flaky, was tough, chewy, and nowhere near flaky; the apples tasted like apples and they had a slight crunch to them, but they weren’t sweet, which made them quite bland; and the hash browns were lightly seasoned, but not seasoned enough to make you forget how soggy they were.

If you thought all of that was disappointing, I shall continue the dismay by saying the Jimmy Dean Sausage and Cheese On A Croissant Breakfast Entree has 50% of your daily recommended allowance of saturated fat, 1050 milligrams of sodium, and three grams of trans fat. The amount of trans fat is the most disheartening because if KFC, whose middle name is Fried, can go trans fat free, why can’t Jimmy Dean?

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to roll onto my side, fall asleep, and hog all of the blankets.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 entree – 560 calories, 30 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 3 grams of trans fat, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 1050 milligrams of sodium, 62 grams of carbs, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 21 grams of sugar, 11 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 10% Calcium, and 15% Iron.)

Item: Jimmy Dean Sausage and Cheese On A Croissant Breakfast Entrees
Price: $4.79
Size: 7.6 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Sausage was tasty, but as for the rest of it not so much. It makes a Burger King Croissanwich look good. Contains all four major food groups.
Cons: Sausage was small. 3 grams of trans fat. Croissant was chewy and not flaky. High in sodium and saturated fat. Hash browns were soggy. Apples were bland. Gary Busey, Nick Nolte, and zombies

NEWS: Extra! Extra! Raisin Bran Eats Itself and Poops Out a New Variation

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 8 Comments

In my parents’ attempts to slim me down so that they wouldn’t need to order husky children’s clothing from the Sears & Roebuck catalog, they fed me Raisin Bran. While other kids my age were chomping down on sugary cereals with names they would use in the future to order drugs, like Trix and Lucky Charms, I was consuming bran flakes that got soggy as soon as it was exposed to moisture with raisin that had a weird white coating.

My parents were never able to order regular sized clothing for me, thanks to the sodas and Otter Pops I consumed at my friend’s house down the street, but if the new Kellogg’s Raisin Bran Extra was introduced back then, I might’ve not been on the borderline of child obesity. This new cereal not only contains the obligatory crunchy bran flakes and plump raisins, it’s also made up of yogurt clusters, sweet cranberries, and almond slices. It’s like a hippie natural foods store in a box. A cup of it has 190 calories, 3 grams of fat, 140 milligrams of potassium, 7 grams of fiber, 13 grams of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Bud Light & Clamato Chelada

/ / Reviews / 52 Comments

Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius

(Real Men of Genius)

Today we salute you, Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

Combining the watery goodness of Bud Light with the tomato clam juiciness of Clamato is usually only done by mad scientists and really, really, really, really, really drunk people. You also added salt and lime, but those don’t help the fact that you probably created the most ghetto bloody mary ever. Dr. Frankenstein used scavenged body parts to create his monster, but your hodgepodge creation would probably make him squirm.

(I ain’t going to drink that!)

Those who have balls big enough to drink it may not be able to smell and taste the clams or the beer, but the tomato is there punching their senses with a salty tomato soup look, smell and taste that only hobos can love. It’s somewhat tolerable, didn’t make me gag too much and I might’ve been able to nurse it until it was gone, except you weren’t kind enough to put it in a regular 12-ounce can.

Oh no.

Instead you decided to put your clammy concoction in a huge 24-ounce aluminum jug, making it impossible to finish without it getting warm, which makes the Chelada feel like someone rinsed their mouth with it and spit it back into the can.

(You sadistic bastard!)

So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Champion of the Clamato and Backer of the Bud Light, because you’re going to find out if it mixes well with Grey Poupon.

(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 151 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15.6 grams of carbohydrates, 1.9 grams of protein, and 4.2% alcohol/volume.)

Item: Bud Light & Clamato Chelada
Price: $2.49
Size: 24 ounces
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Didn’t make me gag too much. It contains alcohol. Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads.
Cons: Tomato punching your senses. Mixing Bud Light & Clamato. It comes in a 24-ounce can. Tastes much worse when warm. Would make Dr. Frankenstein squirm. Bud Light mixed with Grey Poupon.

NEWS: Kellogg’s Ensures There Will Never Be More Saw Movies Than Pop-Tarts Flavors

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 17 Comments

I think it’s now official.

I need to jump into a body of water contaminated with nuclear waste in order to grow more toes and fingers so that I can count the number of Pop-Tarts flavors out there.

Kellogg’s recently introduced two new flavors to go along with the 4,349 other flavors available at your favorite grocer. The Chocolate Banana Split is filled with banana and chocolate filling with frosting and sprinkles on top. The limited edition Orange Cream contains orange cream filling and is topped with frosting and orange icing. The Orange Cream Pop-Tarts, sound intriguing because I love Orange Dreamsicles. As for the Chocolate Banana Split, I think I would probably enjoy it very much because the chocolate will satisfy the sweet tooth in me, while the banana will satisfy my hairy monkey urges — except the urge for flinging poop.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Know You Want To Win Popchips AND See Me Dance Like A Robot

/ / General, Prize Drawing / 193 Comments

After reading my review of Popchips and feeling sorry about the fact that I couldn’t get the larger bags of Popchips here on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, the head marketing person at Popchips sent me a box that contained several of the larger bags. I have four of those bags left (after putting the Parmesan Garlic ones on the side for myself) in the following flavors: Original, Barbeque, Salt & Vinegar, and Salt & Pepper. I could get gluttonous on their asses and eat them myself, but I would like more people to try Popchips so I’m going to give away one bag to four lucky readers.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with the flavor you would like to win and whatever else you want to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Wednesday, January 14, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person and it is open to EVERYONE who’s 18 years old or older.

Oh wait. There is one last thing.

In honor of the “pop” in Popchips, for every entry received, I will attempt to do some popping for one second. Once all the entries are received, I’ll count them up, put on my dancing shoes, record a video of my crappy popping for a length of time determined by the number of entries, and post it to YouTube for you to cringe at. So if there are 60 entries, I will bust out my poor popping abilities for one minute.

Now some of you might be asking yourself, “What’s popping?” My response would be for you to look it up on YouTube. Another question you’re probably asking yourself is, “Why are you always dancing in your videos?” My answer to that question is, “Sometimes I just have to shake it.”

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails with a link to my webcam where you can see me get naughty. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you my bills. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or another Saw movie.

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