Month: March 2011

NEWS: New VitaminWater Zero Glow Helps Your Complexion, Quenches Your Thirst, and Makes Me Remember Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling

Marvo 9 Comments

Update: Click here to read our VitaminWater Zero Glow and VitaminWater Zero Drive review

There are two new VitaminWater Zero flavors available to frustrate those who think they’ve tried ever VitaminWater variety in existence. VitaminWater Zero Glow is a strawberry and guanabana (yes, that’s a real fruit) flavored water that contains biotin and vitamins E and A to “help support & maintain healthy skin, hair, and nails.” VitaminWater Zero Drive is a blood orange and mixed berry flavored water that has 100 percent of your daily intake of vitamin C and 75 milligrams of sweet, sweet caffeine per 20-ounce bottle, which it gets from coffee beans and yerba mate extract.

Both also contain electrolytes and 40 percent of your daily recommended consumption of vitamins B3, B5, B6, and B12. While I do think VitaminWater Zero Drive is useful, thanks to the sweet caffeine, I’m not sure how effective VitaminWater Zero Glow will be with helping one’s skin. With Drive, I can drink just one and the sweet, sweet caffeine will help give me a boost of energy when I’m watching bunda videos on YouTube at three in the morning, but with Glow, I imagine you’d have to drink more than one bottle for it to be beneficial.

And that’s how they getcha!

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Big N’ Toasty

Jasper 20 Comments

Dunkin' Donuts Big N' Toasty

I had high expectations for the Big N’ Toasty. For one thing, the sandwich looks incredibly appetizing in all of its many, many commercials. For another, I like the usage of the “N” – it’s less formal than an ampersand, more fun than an “and,” and less algebraic than a plus sign. In-N-Out, Rock ‘n’ Roll, Salt-N-Pepa: I love them all and they all use an “N.”

And yet, the best-laid plans of mice and men (mice n’ men?) often go awry. The Big N’ Toasty was a definite disappointment. Let’s break this down piece by piece.

The Toast: The Texas toast is really supposed to be the major draw here, and while it was thick, fresh, and flaky, the toast’s defining quality was unfortunately its incredible greasiness. You’ll need as many napkins to eat the Big N’ Toasty as you would to get through a bucket of fried chicken. I actually skipped eating the very center of the sandwich because it was simply soaked through with butter, and my hands were so greased up that I wasn’t sure I could even hold the sandwich in place anymore.

The Eggs: The Big N’ Toasty features two peppered fried eggs. While I could see that the eggs had speckles of pepper and were otherwise a visual departure from the eggs found in every other DD breakfast sandwiches, I couldn’t actually taste any difference. If anything, I would say the eggs in the BN’T were more rubbery and artificial-tasting than the regular eggs.

The Bacon: Before I offer any criticism of the bacon in the BN’T, let me just say that, in my mind, bacon is the undisputed king of breakfast meats, and even a subpar serving of bacon beats the hell out of ham, sausage, or, god forbid, Canadian bacon. Some people might describe bacon as the Michael Jordan of breakfast meats; I prefer to think of Michael Jordan as the bacon of NBA players.

So while I imagine ham and sausage still would’ve been worse choices, I felt mightily letdown by the bacon in the Big N’ Toasty. There are supposed to be “four slices of Cherrywood smoked bacon,” but the four slices were more like two normal-sized strips cut in half. Given the bulk of the sandwich, there were more than a few bites where I tasted little-to-no bacon. Furthermore, I found the bacon to be too soggy, which was perhaps amplified by the excessive grease of the toast. I’ve had much better bacon experiences with Dunkin’ Donuts’ regular sandwiches in terms of bacon taste, bacon texture, and bacon-to-rest-of-sandwich ratio. Granted, the crew at my local DD may have been having an off-day with their bacon cooking, but that would only explain away the taste/texture and not the overall amount of bacon.

(By the way, I just set a new The Impulsive Buy record by using the word “bacon” in a single paragraph ten times. TIB: Where Amazing Happens!)

The Cheese: Just standard fast-food American cheese. Nice and melted but nothing special.

I feel like I’ve been a touch too harsh on the Big N’ Toasty up until this point. If its appearance in commercials weren’t so food porn-y, or if it were just named the Big AND Toasty, I probably wouldn’t have been so disappointed. On the whole, the BN’T makes for a sizable breakfast at a reasonable price, and since Dunkin’ Donuts previously hadn’t served anything on toast – Texas or otherwise – I appreciate the additional variety. If you feel compelled to give it a try, just make sure to temper your expectations and grab some extra napkins.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 580 calories, 320 calories from fat 35 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 1370 milligrams of sodium, 41 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Big N’ Toasty
Price: $3.29 for the sandwich, 4.99 with medium coffee
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Thick, fresh, and flaky toast. Sandwich is big and reasonably priced. Using an “N” instead of “and.” Bacon, always. Entering the TIB record book.
Cons: Incredibly greasy toast. Eggs were rubbery, not peppery. Skimpy and soggy bacon. Food porn-y ads that inflate expectations.

REVIEW: SunChips Jalapeno Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks

Kelley 10 Comments

SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks Bag

In the large, often nepotistic and incestuous (both words I used to win the 6th grade regional spelling bee) world of Frito-Lay, SunChips is the hippy that chained itself to a tree to prevent loggers from cutting down the local forest. SunChips got pepper-sprayed for protesting animal testing. SunChips likes to play hacky sack.

SunChips also created a chip bag that biodegrades, which is obviously cool and very environmentally friendly. However, people didn’t like it, because it was too loud. Really. Too loud. I’m far from a treehugger, but seriously people, don’t be assholes. It’s a bag that dissolves in 14 weeks. Deal with the crinkling. Not to be deterred, SunChips created a quieter bag, because SunChips is determined to save the planet, despite all those audio-sensitive butt-horns. Unfortunately, only specially-marked bags of Original flavor are biodegradable, so my bag of Jalapeño Jack SunChips will be hanging around the landfill for a while.

SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks All Natural

Do not despair, however; these chips are good for you! Made with all natural ingredients, no preservatives and no artificial flavors, Jalapeño Jack also contains no MSG, 0 grams of trans fat, and 18 grams of Whole Grain! It’s like a Whole Foods store in a bag!

Ehhh, not so fast there, buddy. I always thought SunChips were a healthier alternative to other chips, but I stumbled across an interesting comparison – Jalapeño Jack SunChips just baaaarely edge out Tostitos Artisan Recipes chips in calories and fat, actually contain more sodium, and contain just one gram more of dietary fiber. Now, granted, nutritionally they blow away the greasier chips, but I hold SunChips to a higher standard, and I found it surprising that Tostitos could go toe-to-toe with Frito-Lay’s “healthy” chips.

But hey! 18 grams of Whole Grains! Let’s see Tostitos beat THAT! (They could actually beat that I have no idea.)

Okay, now that I’ve blown your mind and shattered your worldview about the nutritional integrity of SunChips, let’s get to the chips themselves. I have to admit, I’ve had SunChips once, maybe twice, many years ago. I’ve never been a consciously healthy eater (shocking!), so when I’m in the chip aisle, there’s about 200 other chips I’d rather buy than SunChips. I have a very vague memory of what they taste like. I’ll take this as an advantage, as I can come to the table with a fresh palate.

SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks Chips

From the mouth of SunChips: “Jalapeño Jack flavored SunChips are just the right balance of tongue-tingling Jalapeño with the creamy smooth taste of Monterey Jack cheese. Our newest creation is for bold snackers who like a chip with a little kick.”

One point to SunChips for actually utilizing the diacritical tilde. I go into an unrealistic rage whenever I see someone use the word jalapeno. I worked for a company owned by Spaniards for four years, and alt+0241 comes as naturally to me as using the shift button instead of caps lock when I’m yelling at someone on the Internet. Make the extra effort, people. It will give grammar spergs one less twitch of the eye.

Where was I? Oh, right, the chips! I actually didn’t think jalapeño would be a good fit with so much whole grain. Not sure why; they just didn’t seem like a good fit. I also figured the flavors would be pretty subtle. Of the few SunChips I’ve had, they were all Original flavor, but it just seemed to me that SunChips would go the muted route.

I was pleased to find I was wrong on at least one of these points. When I opened the bag, I was greeted with a very strong but pleasant spicy cheese smell. The cheese came through more in the smell than the taste, however. There was a nice hint of cheese when the chip hit my tongue, but it was quickly overshadowed by the wheat flavor of the chip itself and the Jalapeño flavor powder. They claim the cheese to be Monterey Jack, but really, let’s be honest, there’s pretty much two cheese flavors in the chip world – “nacho” and “generic cheese flavor that can be passed off as pretty much any other cheese”. At least, that’s how I feel. Perhaps my palate isn’t refined enough to distinguish between different cheese powders.

The Jalapeño heat built as I went along, with the height of the heat being just right. It definitely wasn’t bashful, but it didn’t hit you over the head, either. I enjoyed the wheat flavor, too, but I’m not sure the two should have joined forces. It wasn’t disgusting, or even disconcerting; I just feel like the two flavors were fighting for dominance over my taste buds, instead of holding hands and being friends.

I didn’t not like SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks, but they didn’t exactly wow me. The hint of cheese is tasty, but quickly disappears, and the Jalapeño and wheat don’t mesh as well as say, Jalapeño and tortilla fit together. With so many other chip options out there, I’ll probably never buy these again, but if they were offered to me as a free snack, I wouldn’t turn them down. For die-hard SunChip fans, they might be worth a try.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce/about 15 chips – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 135 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugars, 2 grams of protein, 2% iron, 6% vitamin E, 2% niacin, 4% phosphorus, 2% magnesium.)

Item: SunChips Jalapeño Jack Flavored Multigrain Snacks
Price: $2.49 (on sale; reg. $3.79)
Size: 10.5 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Jalapeño has just the right of heat. Diacritical tildes. All-natural ingredients with 18 grams of Whole Grains. Hippies getting pepper sprayed. Hint of cheese was good.
Cons: Jalapeño and wheat didn’t go together that well. Hacky sacks. Not enough cheese flavor. Jalapeno. SunChips not as healthy as you’d think.

NEWS: SunChips 6 Grain Medley Makes Me Wish Moore’s Law Applies To SunChips Like It Does With Computer Chips

Marvo 6 Comments

Target Springfield, VA

Every Saturday, at about 10 PM, I open up my web browser and direct it to the Target website. I’m there to look at Target’s weekly ad because I don’t subscribe to the newspaper that has the Target circular stuffed into its Sunday edition. Yes, I am helping with the downfall of the local newspaper industry.

While virtually flipping through the pages of the latest Target ad, I noticed the SunChips 6 Grain Medley. These SunChips come in two fancy pancy flavors — Onion & Thyme and Parmesan & Herb.

They’re available in 9-ounce bag and are Target-exclusives, so you’re not going to find them at Kmart, but really, who goes to Kmart nowadays? It’s a third-tier mom and pops store crusher, which combines the depressing aura of Walmart with the red of Target.

REVIEW: Temptations by Jello (Apple Custard Pie, Double Chocolate Pie, French Silk Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie & Strawberry Cheesecake)

Marvo 18 Comments

Temptations by Jello

Hey y’all. Lucifer here.

I’m having a really hard time believing these glorified Jello Pudding Snack cups called Temptations by Jello can be considered a temptation. There’s no way a double-layered pudding cup that’s supposed to taste like a pie can equal the power of a seductive come hither. Now some of you might be thinking, who the hell am I to say what’s a temptation and what’s not? Oh, maybe because I’m THE Master of Temptation.

I know. I know. I didn’t get Jesus, but I got Eve to eat a forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and I got dozens of spandex-wearing glam bands from the 1980s and 90s to sell their souls to me for fortune, fame, groupies and one or two hit songs. So I’ll see you soon, Cinderella, Winger, Slaughter, FireHouse, Britny Fox, Danger Danger, Ratt, Stryper, L.A. Guns, White Lion, Europe, Tesla, Mr. Big, Nelson, and Whitesnake.

Also, what’s with the name choice? Temptations by Jello? Is Jello making fragrances now? CKOne by Calvin Klein. Fahrenheit by Christian Dior. Cool Water by Davidoff. Tommy by Tommy Hilfiger. Eternity by Calvin Klein. Yes, I’m taking you back though my 1990s cologne history, because if you think I’m good at tempting people to sell their souls to me, you should see me tempt women in clubs. Women love bad boys, and I am the ultimate bad boy. I’ve got so many notches in my bedpost that I don’t have bedposts anymore. Now I keep track of the women using a database I created in Filemaker Pro.

I tried five of the flavors and I have to say, if you get tempted by Temptations by Jello, you have an extremely weak soul, you should stay away from illegal drugs, and I’ll see you soon.

Temptations by Jello Naked

The Apple Custard Pie is made up of a custard-style vanilla pudding topped with a gelatinous cinnamon apple top that contains a few apple chunks. As you can see in the photo it doesn’t maintain its form as well as the other flavors, but then again it is extremely hot in hell, so melting shouldn’t be a surprise. The whole shebang tastes like cheap apple pie filling. It’s okay, but I don’t think I could get Eve to take a bite from it.

The Lemon Meringue Pie has a pleasant level of tartness, and it’s also pleasant to watch it wiggle on my spoon. Yes, I like playing with food as much as I like tormenting peoples’ souls. If you’re a fan of slightly artificial tasting lemon pudding and eating something called sucrose fatty acid esters, you’ll enjoy it. But, even if you love lemon pudding, I don’t think you’ll give me your soul for it, or the soul of your first born.

The Double Chocolate Pie flavor combines a level of dark chocolate pudding topped with a milk chocolate mousse. You might think I enjoy anything with the word “dark” in it, after all, I am the Prince of Darkness, and you would be absolutely correct. Although, all is not perfect with this flavor. The mousse has a chocolate flavor that’s hard to detect, while the chocolate pudding on the bottom brings the choco-boom-chaka-la-ka, so it’s more like One and a Quarter Chocolate Pie. Actually, it just tastes like plain old chocolate putting that I could have my minions make for me with some milk and a package of pudding mix. Some of you might think it’s too sweet, but it’s not my fault your taste buds can’t handle it.

Strawberry Cheesecake is good and it tastes like strawberry cheesecake, albeit a less decadent, lighter version of cheesecake that doesn’t make my tummy feel like I swallowed the soul of a glutton. The airy cheesecake-flavored pudding is on the bottom, while a strawberry jelly sits on top of it. Just like I love foods that are dark, I love foods that are red, although I prefer the red to come from the blood of the damned.

Of the five flavors I tried, the French Silk Pie was my favorite. Maybe because the vanilla mousse pudding on top represents heaven, while the chocolate pudding bottom represents the darkness of hell, and if you mix the two together, the vanilla gets darker as the rich chocolate pudding slowly swallows the purity of the white pudding, turning everything into darkness. Or maybe because it’s very tasty. The combination of vanilla topping and chocolate pudding equals something sinfully delicious, although it’s slightly less chocolatey than the Double Chocolate Pie.

Temptations are all about getting people to do things that involve a little danger, goes against one’s morals, or gets people to worship me. Look, if you’re going to tempt someone into doing something wrong or naughty, you’re going to need more than these Temptations by Jello, no matter how good some of them are. Also, I’m pretty sure no one is going end up in hell for eating pudding that has anywhere between 100-150 calories. If they did, hell would be a lot more crowded and I’d have a lot more paperwork to do.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 snack – Apple Custard Pie – 130 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 125 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 21 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein. Double Chocolate Pie – 120 calories, 4 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein. French Silk Pie – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 180 milligrams of sodium, 23 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 17 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein. Lemon Meringue – 110 calories, 2 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 120 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, less than 1 gram of protein. Strawberry Cheesecake – 150 calories, 3 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.)

Item: Temptations by Jello (Apple Custard Pie, Double Chocolate Pie, French Silk Pie, Lemon Meringue Pie & Strawberry Cheesecake)
Price: $2.49 (on sale; reg. $3.49)
Size: 3 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Apple Custard Pie)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Double Chocolate Pie)
Rating: 8 out of 10 (French Silk Pie)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Lemon Meringue Pie)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Strawberry Cheesecake)
Pros: French Silk Pie because it’s tasty and it perfectly represents hell’s victory over heaven someday. Strawberry Cheesecake taste like a strawberry cheesecake that doesn’t make me feel like I swallowed the soul of a glutton. If you like chocolate pudding, you’ll like the Double Chocolate Pie. Foods that are colored with the blood of the damned. Filemaker Pro replacing the notches in bedposts. Being the Master of Temptation.
Cons: Glorified pudding snack cups. Doesn’t really deserve to be called Temptations. Apple Custard Pie melts too easily in hell. Lemon Meringue Pie has a slightly weird artificial flavor. Double Chocolate Pie might be too sweet for some and thanks to the weak mousse topping, it’s more like a One and a Quarter Chocolate Pie. Awesome source of sugar.