How are you? Well, I hope jolly and fat as usual. I know you’re quite busy this time of year, and I know you’ve already received four sets of revisions to my annual Christmas list. On that note, I have good and bad news. The good news is I won’t need those Super Bowl tickets. The Bills suck again this year, and I could care less about watching the Chiefs play. So consider yourself free and clear from any anti-scalping laws you might have been worried about. Now, to the bad news…
I realize you’ve already got something of a dealio with our neighborhood and the, uh, thanks we give you. What with Tommy Thomas’ mom and her applesauce cookies, or Jackie Johnson’s parents and their anti-dairy crusade. It ain’t like the old days of whole milk and Tollhouse, and I can definitely sympathize. With that said, I can’t serve you milk and cookies this year.
But don’t go returning that Playstation 4 quite yet. We’ve been doing this present thing for 25 years now and you know I got your back (and your stomach). That’s why I’m going to do you one better. Any schmuck kid with a grocery store can buy some refrigerated cookies for you. But this year, I’ve got Sugar Cookie Pebbles Cereal.
I know what you’re thinking, “Cereal? What gives!?! And cereal that’s got vitamins and minerals and fiber and crap. You think this fat man has time to stop at a gas station bathroom every five seconds on Christmas night?”
Well no, at least I seriously hope not, mostly because there’s a chance I’ll be stopping at one of those bathrooms the next day during that six-hour car ride to Grandmother’s house. So it’s a good thing for both of us that this is about the least healthy cereal ever, with no fiber whatsoever. What’s more, it tastes like that. Which is to say it tastes like the most awesome interpretation of a baked good in cereal form.
Trust me, this is no replay of Cookie Crisp Sprinkles. I’ll even leave you the whole box. As soon as you open it, you’ll be greeted by that Dear-God-Yes aroma of frosting and sprinkles that will remind you of all those years I spent asking you to please, just please bring me a lifetime supply of Dunkaroos with Vanilla Frosting and Sprinkles. The smell alone is good enough to warrant some extra presents this year, although I can’t be held liable for any dogs chasing you because they think they’re getting in on some giant sugar cookie deliciousness.
The taste? Seriously sugar cookie-esque. I happen to know, you know, because I’ve been a little naughty this year and have taken more than the allotted one free sugar cookie at the doors of Harris Teeter. (But seriously, that’s not going to count against me because it’s a self-admission, ok? Besides, it saves the actual kids from childhood obesity.)
The cereal is sweet and crispy, artificially but admirably floral, with each little toasted rice pebble packing tons of sugar cookie flavor. And of course, it fully embraces the colors of the season, lending itself wonderfully to any number of baking projects your elves might embark in while not slaving away buying toys for the whole world on Amazon.
Now Santa, you’ll notice I’m not leaving you any milk with this cereal. I consider this for your own good. Lest you be disappointed by the slightly diluted taste of sugar cookie in milk and a none too hearty crunch that left me a bit disappointed, I think your sugar cookie experience is best enjoyed dry. As a snacking cereal, it might just be the best I’ve had this year, with the exception of Peanut Butter Toast Crunch. So do yourself a favor and don’t damn our neighborhood to the naughty list quite yet. I know you have plenty of holiday themed options to eat this time of year, and only so much artery space left before Tim Allen is forced to take over, but you won’t regret trading in some actual milk and cookies for Sugar Cookie Pebbles cereal.
(Nutrition Facts – 3/4 cup – 110 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 140 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of cholesterol 23 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 9 grams of sugars, 1 gram of protein, and, seriously, do you even care about the token amounts of 10 vitamins and minerals?)
Item: Limited Edition Post Sugar Cookie Pebbles Cereal
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: 11 oz. box
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: smells like the best thing ever. Tasty sugar cookie flavor with notes of vanilla cupcake and Dunkaroos. Addictively crispy as a snacking cereal. Christmas colors.
Cons: Sugar cookie taste is muted in milk. Not for those who like cereal that stays crunchy in milk. A candidate for the definition of “Empty Calories” in next year’s dictionary. Taking a chance at pissing off Santa and not getting that PS 4.