REVIEW: Cow Candy Pinkie Pie Strawberry Jack Cheese and Prime Punch Jack Cheese

This is a review, but it’s also a cry for help. When I saw Cow Candy’s Strawberry and Fruit Punch-flavored cheeses listed in Spotted on Shelves, my gut said “Yeah, I’m having those.”

I’m so addicted to the rush of novelty flavors that even when I read about something that couldn’t possibly be delicious, I’m still compelled to track it down. Fruit-flavored cookies are one thing, but cheese? What is wrong with me? How long until I’m buying cotton-candy-flavored beef filets?

Like a true junkie, I went into this with full faith that these cheese sticks, sporting colors more appropriate for children’s spring t-shirts, would take me to snack heaven for just a moment.

I looked past the blank yet somehow judgmental faces of the children’s cartoon characters and opened the packages. The red stick, emblazoned with Transformer Optimus Prime, was a smooth block. The My Little Pony-themed Strawberry Pinkie Pie had a pock-marked exterior. I wondered if this was a refrigeration error or if the flavors affected the textures in different ways.

The strawberry stick gave off a tangy artificial strawberry scent – Frankenberry cereal mixed with a trace of shoe funk. The fruit punch smelled like candy-induced vomit.

When I bit into the strawberry, it crumbled, strangely, into tiny spheres. The Fruit Punch cheese behaved more like what I expected – a rubbery snap.

Describing the taste of these cheese sticks is proving impossible, so I’ll tell you what they DON’T taste like – strawberry, fruit punch, or Jack cheese. Calling them salty/sweet feels wrong, as weren’t enough of either to do the term justice. If you removed everything good from cheese and fruit, this is what would be left. They’re just gross.

I powered my way through one of each flavor. Hours later, they still haunt me. It’s like I ate prop food not meant for consumption. They are by far the worst snack food I’ve ever encountered – my stomach is churning.

I’d intended to think up some cute way to use these cheese sticks in another snack/treat (shred them as a topping for sweet & savory mini pizzas?) but there’s really only one thing to do with them:

All I can do now is try not to barf, and wonder when I’m going to find Jeff VanVonderen sitting on my couch telling me people love me like crazy but are worried about my novelty flavor addiction.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 stick – 80 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 120 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 4 grams of protein..)

Purchased Price: $4.49
Size: 6 oz. bag
Purchased at: Stop & Shop
Rating: 1 out of 10
Pros: Nice colors! That’s it.
Cons: Disgusting taste that resembles none of the flavors advertised. Odd texture in Strawberry version. They’re making me nauseous. Do not buy them for children you’re fond of.

27 thoughts to “REVIEW: Cow Candy Pinkie Pie Strawberry Jack Cheese and Prime Punch Jack Cheese”

  1. Rachel, I’m like you. I have to seek out every novelty flavor and it absolutely kills me when a flavor comes and goes with me never ever finding the product and getting to try it. Two of the most notable recent items where this is the case we’re Fruity Crisp Oreos and Orange Creampop Cap n Crunch. I may never get over never knowing what they tasted like.

    In any event, even when someone tells me something is terrible, I still have to seek it out and try it for myself lol. The thrill of the hunt I guess. So hopefully these come to Ohio soon and I can share in your agony! Lol

    1. I searched for the fruit pebble oreos as well and was never successful. 🙁

      These inedible “cow candy” cheesesticks looks absolutely disgusting. I applaud your courage to try them for the sake of a review. My stomach churns just thinking about it. I’d imagine it’s like an abundance of gelatinous strawberry syrup and milk left out to sour, curdle and shrivel up. Then, extrude this hard rubber mass into sticks. Fancy it up with some cute cartoons all the kids like and voila!

  2. Those look disgusting. Maybe if they used other type of cheese that pairs well with fruit such as white cheddar with cranberries that could had worked.

    1. I doubt a single real piece of fruit ever entered the factory they made that in. They probably took the bare minimum amount of cheese to legally be allowed to call it cheese and blended it with Gatorade syrup.

      1. I mean adding dried fruit to the cheese itself. Trader Joe’s has stilon cheese with apricots.

        1. I’ve had white Stilton with mango and ginger — just a taste — and it was delicious. (I really need to track some of that down. That is *dessert cheese.*) I bet apricot would be great with Stilton, too.

          But I don’t think Stilton would necessarily be viable as an inexpensive cheese stick. They could probably do something more along the lines of a flavored cheesecake, though, even without the dried fruit. The tricky part would be the texture…

          1. Jamie B. I googled it and the Strawberry Cow Candy received 10th place in the world cheese championship (snack cheese variety). So technically I guess it’s a pretty good cheese.

      2. This product is actually all-natural monterey jack cheese with only natural colors and flavors addes. Check the site. These kid friendly snacks. While they may not suite everyone or the adult pallet (i.e. pizza lunchables) my young kids go gaga for them and they get protein and calcium without artificial ingredients or too much sugar. That’s a win for this mom.

          1. I wish I knew who was paying Cheese Lover. (Cheese, are you on the Cow Candy payroll? I’m a wee bit suspicious.)

  3. “Fruit-flavored cookies are one thing, but cheese? What is wrong with me?”
    When i read the article here in the impulsive buy i though the opposite: Great Idea!
    Why? ’cause Fruit Jam and Cheese is something that goes pretty well together and even i like some bread with cheese topped with a dollop of jam from time to time (and we’re not talking about camembert or brie with lingonberry jam or marmalade at all; <a href="*"baked camembert aka round mozzarella stick with camembert instead of mozzarella?).
    So yeah… i thought the idea wasn’t that crazy, to put the fruit and the sweetness of the jam right into the cheese… though i wasn’t just worried this will turn out the way it did, since it seemed (targeted at children) more “fruit candy flavored” than “jam flavored”…
    so yeah… long story short: Rachel, you’re not crazy, but brave and pretty norm… ahh foodie (is that even a adjective? ;))

    1. I googled it and the Strawberry Cow Candy received 10th place in the world cheese championship (snack cheese variety). So technically I guess it’s a pretty good cheese.

        1. Looks like this was a class of 34. The score, however, is not listed.

          I will note that this championship is put on by the Wisconsin Cheese Makers Association, and the partner sponsors of the contest are Relco, Bank of America Merrill Lynch, Quest Industrial, Ecolab, and Tetra Pak. (It’s quite commercial.) The rules of the contest don’t say anything about whether the cheese should be handmade, or factory-made, or what. It’s entirely possible that the snack cheese entries in question were not from a batch made on an industrial scale, so it’s safe to assume that the cheese in the 2016 contest might differ from the cheese that’s on store shelves now.

          Essentially, I’m taking this all with a hefty grain of salt. But for further reading:

  4. I dont even understand how these got through the test phase. Why would anyone even want strawberry flavored cheese?? Or any flavored cheese?? These sound gross. Sorry you tried them, but thanks for warning all of us!

        1. The package and ingredients on the article show that it is real cheese with real fruit flavors.

  5. Hilarious review! I just knew it was written by Rachel after reading it before even looking for the author name!

  6. These are’nt avaliable where I live I wanted to try the bee’s knees(honey) flavored ones or the Orange flavored ones as the other flavors strawberry,fruit punch and purple grape did’nt sound good to me but honey or orange did i’m thinking though that the orange would taste bad too since the strawberry did but still think the Honey(Bee’s Knees) could still taste good since its just cheese and honey mixed together.

    1. My friend in Texas just ordered them from thier website! I guess the orange tastes kind of like a creamsicle and the honey has a sweet milky taste. Although their favorite was strawberry. So to each their own. We buy the Optimus Prime Punch for our boys and they really dig them.

  7. “When I bit into the strawberry, it crumbled, strangely, into tiny spheres.”…. so, curds. It crumbled into curds and clearly hadn’t been pressed well enough during make.

    Not saying the rest of the review isn’t fair, these sound displeasing to say the least.
    The ingredient line and claims seem like they kept artificial colors and flavors out, and tried to use low(ish) amounts of added sugar, they just missed big time on the overall delivery.

    In the end though, if it’s gross, it’s gross.

    1. I can see where you are coming from Ann, but my 8 year old and 2 year old eat these up like crazy!
      I think the idea is to have the fun of candy with the good stuff in cheese (kind of like Chef Boyardee hiding a serving of vegetables). I am happy that my picky eaters (who rarely get a full meal in) like these. Hey- protein and calcium are great if the kids enjoy the delivery.

  8. I really dislike cheese so I wouldn’t try this but I can imagine this is a horrible idea gone wrong, and your review confirms that. Especially fruit punch, who the f would mix that with cheese?

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