REVIEW: Burger King Crispy Taco

Burger King Crispy Taco

As a longtime Latino — 40 years and counting — for so long I have dreamed of an edible epoch in this nation’s history when there would be some form of taco available on every street corner, from every fast food chain, and on every dollar menu. Now, thanks to Burger King, this simple dream is now one step closer to fruition.

Besides the usual taco chains around town like Taco Bell or Del Taco, if I’m under oath, I’d have to admit that I supremely love Jack in the Box’s taco deal, consisting of two greasy corn shells filled with meat and cheese, both for a little over a dollar; it’s a good taste at a great price, especially when their ain’t a convenient taqueria in sight.

Burger King Crispy Taco 2

That being said, I do believe that Jack has finally met his snack match in Burger King’s tremendo Crunchy Tacos; with each equally greasy corn shell – that’s from the deep-frying, ya’ll – dripping with puro faux-Mexican flavor, the additives of a small dash of lettuce and a sprinkle of cheese, as well as a nicely proportioned glob of seasoned beef that, remarkably, doesn’t taste like ground up leftover hamburger filling, makes for a moderately spicy treat at a mostly fulfilling price.

As I sat there in the lonely Burger King, munching on the crunchy taco with affordable ease, I immediately noticed how it’s not at all rubbery, the way Jack’s tacos can often quickly get, especially fresh out the deep-fryer. Instead, the King’s maintains a stolid bite-path that never gets in the way of the beautifully greasy taste, which is far better than it sounds. These are very much like the tacos that one friend’s mom would make when you spent the night as a kid -— contrived as Hell, but delicious as Heaven.

Burger King Crispy Taco 3

Now if I had one complaint, it would be for the absolute lack of both taco sauce and taco salsa — the taco sauce that was supposed to come with the taco and a couple of packets of taco salsa to be included with my order. That’s like fries with no ketchup, if you ask me. So I guess if you happen to pick a pair — or even more, natch — of these tacos up, ask for extra sauce or, as I’m gonna start doing, just bring your own. I recommend San Luis; it’s in a white bottle that looks like bathroom cleaner.

Otherwise, McDonald’s, it’s your deep-fried taco move now. Cómpralo ya!

Purchased Price: $1.00
Size: N/A
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 170 calories, 9 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 gram of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and 5 grams of protein.

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REVIEW: Sonic Reaper Spicy Margarita

Sonic Reaper Spicy Margarita

What is the Sonic Reaper Spicy Margarita?

As a part of Sonic’s somewhat innovative line of supposed non-alkie “mocktails,” the Reaper Spicy Margarita takes everything alcohol-lovers enjoy with a classic margarita, subbing the usual tequila with, what the Hell, the absolute terror of liquefied Carolina Reaper Peppers.

How is it?

As cold and satisfying as the Reaper Margarita is on the first sip, almost immediately, the fires of a demonic inferno are quickly unleashed on the insides of your mouth, burning your tongue, numbing your nose, and scalding your throat, causing anyone with a well-worn grip on their remaining senses to throw this drink down on the ground, cursing the heavens with a closed fist in a most stupid fit of self-imposed rage.

Sonic Reaper Spicy Margarita Top

While there is an extremely slight citrus-flavor that is hovering around, it is practically impossible to taste over the mouth-destroying Reaper additives, a garden-peppery coating the slowly moves down the throat in a esophageal thrashing that’s normally reserved for Saturday night at the taqueria, not for a Tuesday afternoon getting a Sonic Happy Hour treat on the way home from work.

Sorry guys, but this just doesn’t work; I mean, for real: who is this drink for?

Is there anything else you need to know?

The night I forcibly drank about half of this, the scalding belches and burps continually seared my gutwerks with each gastric devil-bubble that traveled up my throat. Consequentially, I ended up downing about two or three rather large gulps of Pepto-Bismol just to cool my aching body-tubes.

Conclusion:

Sonic Reaper Spicy Margarita Lid

Anyone who knows me knows how much I truly enjoy the spicier things in this life. Give a roundhouse kick of heat on just about everything I eat, please. That being said, I truly get what Sonic is trying to do here, but, if I’m being honest, this isn’t a drink as much as it is a novelty dare. The mix should be sold on page 35 of the Archie McPhee catalog, not at my local Sonic Drive-In. Maybe, just maybe, it would work if the Scovilles was brought way down, maybe to level it a bit more evenly with the sugar. But, as for now, it’s too little, way too hot.

Purchased Price: $1.79 (each)
Size: Small
Rating: 1 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 190 calories, 0 grams of fat, 230 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 50 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: KFC Cheetos Sandwich

KFC Cheetos Sandwich

I’m sure the culinary elite among us will be the first to loudly show their usual disdain for the junk food collision that is KFC’s latest inventive foodstuff, the rather tasty Cheetos Sandwich.

If they do, it really is a shame — mostly theirs — because this pile of fried chicken and cheesy doodles is practically every child’s dream dinner come to neon orange fruition.

My reasonably clean fingers were almost immediately coated in the fine Cheeto dust as I inspected the sandwich, its festive Chester Cheetah-designed box receiving two paws up for its lovingly creative branding; with the usually plump bun making for a truly inviting sandwich, errant Cheetos poked out of the sides, causing even the edges of the fried chicken to turn a bright orange hue.

KFC Cheetos Sandwich Mountain

While, as an aforementioned child, I used to absolutely love the use of the crunchy cheddar snack as a full-on sandwich accoutrement, usually to give the cheap ham or cheaper bologna my mother bought some semblance of direct flavor. But here, the fried chicken of the Crispy Colonel Sandwich is delightfully flavorful enough, the cheddar crunch of the added Cheetos is a well-proportioned riff on an already indelible menu item.

KFC Cheetos Sandwich Topless

But it’s the added flavor of the provocative Cheetos Sauce that is a perfectly zingy taste sensation that should replace those bland slices of that American cheese nonsense in most sandwiches and burgers across the country, starting right here, right now. The sauce — very much with the look and feel of somewhat wet macaroni and cheese powder, with the Cheetos taste, natch — keeps things perfectly crunchy and crispy, making sure it coats everything it touches.

While there is a buttery aftertaste of sorts, it’s not entirely unwelcome. As a matter of fact, my main fear with the Cheetos Sandwich was that, sure, it might be good for a couple of bites, but after a few minutes alone with it, a sort of cheesy fatigue would set in. This should have been the obvious example of too much of a good thing — and it truly is — but this is a good thing that, like sitting on the couch in front of the television and downing a full bag of Cheetos, you don’t get tired of it.

Yes, this is a “limited time only” thing, per usual, but I would like to see KFC expand on this, much like how Taco Bell has exploited its Doritos offerings. Maybe various flavors like a Chipotle Ranch or, Lord forbid, a Flaming Hot variation of a chicken sandwich? Or how about some Jalapeno Cheddar-infused potatoes wedges or, and here’s an idea you can have, KFC, a Mexican-style Cheetos elote.

But, Hell, to be fair, I would pay extra for a couple of packets of that crazy Cheetos sauce to liberally squeeze on my two-piece or, if I’m being grossly honest, to suck straight from like it was directly drained from Chester Cheetah’s nipples. I’m not that hard to please, guys.

Purchased Price: $4.79
Size: N/A
Rating: 9 out 10
Nutrition Facts: Currently not available.

REVIEW: Pizza Hut Original Pan Pizza (2019)

Pizza Hut Original Pan Pizza  2019

It was a surprise to me when I heard Pizza Hut was “repairing” its Pan Pizza recipe, changing the type of cheese and, more important, utilizing a new baking method meant to “enhance” the crust’s flavor. I really didn’t know people even had a problem with it.

Recently, I went to the neighborhood Pizza Hut down the street from my house and ordered, for myself, a Personal Pan Pizza, making sure from the pizza-barista that they utilize this new process at about a fourth the size, just like they do their full-size. Confirmed and comfortable, I ordered one with pepperoni. The smell of the baking pizza floated about the small building, enticing me in a way the Hut never had before.

Brought to my table — that was fully emblazoned with Wing Street logos, natch — I opened up the adorable miniature pizza box and, after snapping a couple of pictures, gently pulled a small slice from the somewhat larger pie, the new cheese stringing across the box like it was being filmed for a recent commercial campaign.

Pizza Hut Original Pan Pizza  2019 Slice

Full steam ahead, I bit into the pan pizza; the cheese was notably different right from the start — a bit more heavy than usual and with somewhat more of a fuller bite — it was definitely an improvement on the old recipe. Using a part-skim mozzarella cheese, there seems to be far more of it, making it a wonderfully cheesy mess. The tomato sauce, additionally, melded very well to the cheese, pairing together like some well-worn partners in pizza-esque crime.

But, and this was what made it for me, the crust tasted absolutely new and improved. The buttery richness of the baked dough made me want a loaf of this as a crispy bread, with maybe the aforementioned melted cheese as a cruel dipping sauce of sorts. Can we get on this idea, Pizza Hut?

While the calorie count, even for a Personal, is quite loaded at 610 calories, it might be worth it on a special cheat day just to desperately try these modern improvements in the pizza-making abilities of Pizza Hut, no matter how long you’ve been away from or how often you likely go to the Hut. Cómpralo ya!

Purchased Price: $4.99
Size: Personal Pan Pizza
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 610 calories, 26 grams of fat, 10 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1260 milligrams of sodium, 69 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, and 25 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Mtn Dew Sweet Lightning

Mtn Dew Sweet Lightning  KFC Exclusive

What is Mtn Dew Sweet Lightning?

The marketing materials describe this latest Mountain Dew concoction as having a “sweet peach and smooth honey” flavor, a description which seemingly does its best to match the drink’s shockingly bright orange hue.

How is it?

Well, it definitely is sweet. It’s far more toothaching than any recent Dew flavors, at least since the holidays. As a plus, the Sweet Lightning doesn’t have the Robitussin DM-lite accents that those Christmas ones did.

Mtn Dew Sweet Lightning  KFC Exclusive Closer Up

While, admittedly, it’s a little difficult to pinpoint either the peach or honey flavors over the first couple of gulps, to be honest, at first I thought I was drinking some sort of European tangerine drink and walked over to the machine to double-check. Eventually, though, when you know what to feel around in the back of your mouth for, its shocking sweetness actually provides some much needed balm for those customers snacking on KFC’s salty poultry, or, God forbid, its moderately hot chicken items.

Is there anything else you need to know?

In case you couldn’t guess, Mtn Dew Sweet Lightning is available exclusively at Kentucky Fried Chicken and its soda fountains for — say it with me now — a limited time only. Additionally, did you know that KFC doesn’t offer a small size for its drinks? I just learned that as I forked over two bucks for a medium.

Conclusion:

Mtn Dew Sweet Lightning  KFC Exclusive Close Up

Mtn Dew is doing its very best to appeal to those with a sweet tooth in the KFC audience that aren’t digging into the new Cinnabon Dessert Biscuits — oh boy, myself included — with this fun summertime flavor that manages to combine two disparate tastes into what, at first sip, tastes like neither.

Purchased Price: $1.89
Size: Medium
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: Unavailable.

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REVIEW: Sonic Red Bull Slush

Sonic Red Bull Slush Cup

What is the Sonic Red Bull Slush?

If you’ve ever chugged a Red Bull — America’s favorite energy drink, second only to Ol’ Glory, of course — and thought to yourself “Gee, I wonder what this would taste like moderately frozen,” here is your chance to live your frosty dreams, courtesy of the Sonic corporation.

How is it?

Sonic Red Bull Slush

I was thoroughly excited to try this recent breakthrough in energy technology, so I ordered a small original flavor from my local Sonic. At first sip, the common Red Bull flavor is wonderfully there, a sharp stab to the senses that does a great job of momentarily perking the user up.

Sadly, the comedown is almost immediate, with a distinct backwash and aftertaste of what I can only describe as frozen mouthful of used dishwater. How the taste can do a 180 degrees like that is far beyond my pay grade, but any excitement of two great products coming together is quickly done away, leaving me with a three-dollar cup that’s too pricey to dump out.

Is there anything else you need to know?

If the Sonic Red Bull Slush is still something you desperately need to down, try to do it between two to four p.m. to take advantage of the chain’s Happy Hour. I, unfortunately, was thirty minutes early and paid full price. Additionally, it’s also available in a cherry limeade slush as well.

Conclusion:

Sonic Red Bull Slush Strawless

I would send this one back to the labs, Sonic. The nonplussed aftertaste is just far too much to deal with, leaving me with a sour stomach that swirled with burning acids that couldn’t be cooled down no matter how much icy slush was involved. Guess its back to the regular small can of Sugar-Free Red Bull for me.

Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Small
Rating: 2 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (Small) 180 calories, 0 grams of fat, 50 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 48 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.