Author: Marvo

Pink Lemonade Metamucil

Marvo 18 Comments

According to the experts, who probably wear lab coats and ask others to call them Dr. So-and-So, we should be consuming 25-30 grams of fiber per day, which is roughly more than half a loaf of whole wheat bread, a little more than an entire can of kidney beans, or approximately the amount of fiber found in the large cardboard box a refrigerator comes in. The experts also say that most don’t consume an adequate amount of fiber every day, except for Jack LaLanne, prune lovers, and panda bears. I know I need more fiber in my diet, but I feel there’s a major problem with fiber. It’s just not flamboyant enough.

Thankfully, there’s Pink Lemonade Metamucil which now makes fiber a little more FA-BU-LOUS.

Sure, it’s better for me to get my fiber from real foods like whole wheat bread, brown rice, bran cereal, vegetables, fruit, Taco Bell’s bean burrito, and Idaho potato vodka, but they just don’t have the sense of style that the Pink Lemonade Metamucil does. Many of the foods that have a decent amount of fiber come in the color brown, but despite all the efforts of UPS, brown has NEVER been in style. Some of you might be saying vegetables and fruits are colorful, however, I say to those people, J. Crew clothing is also colorful, but I would never be seen wearing any of it.

The Pink Lemonade Metamucil tastes like pink lemonade and for something that’s sugar free, it’s surprisingly sweet. Thank you, aspartame. It’s just as flavorful, fiber-rific, fierce and fabulous as the Berry Burst Metamucil. It’s also several times tastier and better looking than the plain old original orange Metamucil, which makes people drinking it look like they should be at a Florida farmers forum. The cloudy pink color of the Pink Lemonade Metamucil is totally fabulous, although its slightly grainy texture is not so hot, but it’s what I expected from a fiber supplement. However, if you like your fiber to be as flamboyant as a flamingo or Richard Simmons, this Metamucil’s for you.



Click here for link to YouTube clip

(Supplement Facts – 1 rounded tsp – 20 calories, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 2 grams of soluble fiber, 0 grams of sugar, 0.5 milligrams of iron, 35 milligrams of potassium, and 50 grams of fierce.)

Item: Pink Lemonade Metamucil
Price: $10.34 (24.1 ounces)
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Flavorful, fiber-rific, fierce and fabulous. Tastes like pink lemonade. Sugar free. Better than the original orange Metamucil. Jack Lalanne. Panda bears. J. Crew clothing.
Cons: It’s got a grainy texture, but that’s expected since it’s Metamucil. Turns into goop if not consumed quickly. The color brown. Trying to consume 25-30 grams of fiber per day. Eating cardboard.

McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich

Marvo 40 Comments

The McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich is cute. I’m not talking Hello Kitty cute, I’m talking women being courteous and calling a dude’s wiener “cute,” instead of the term they’re thinking in their head, which is “small.” Just like those courteous women do when they get a glimpse of the “cute cock,” I giggled a little when I saw the latest chicken sandwich from McDonald’s. The sandwich is 3.5 inches in diameter and not very tall. When I first saw it, I thought to myself, “God, I could stick that whole thing in my mouth with ease.”

For years, I’ve been telling women while crying that it is not the size of the boat that matters, it is the motion of the ocean, but the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich made me realize that I am wrong. The sandwich consisted of seasoned, lightly breaded all white meat chicken with two pickles in between a buttery tasting bun. The chicken was surprisingly juicy the first time I had it, but wasn’t when I had another a few days later. It seemed like there was very little seasoning on the chicken, making its flavor quite bland and I thought overall it really tasted like a mediocre McChicken sandwich. I didn’t even notice the buttery bun, but the pickles did help with the flavor, although you can’t get a pickle in every bite. So maybe having a bigger pickle would help a lot.

The idea of the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich apparently comes from a Chick-Fil-A sandwich, which also has breaded chicken, a buttery bun, and pickles. Since I’m thousands of miles away from a Chick-Fil-A, I can’t make a comparison, but it does sound like McDonald’s ripped off the idea. But is copying something so bad? Without copying others I wouldn’t have a college degree, high school diploma, passed my SRAs, and gotten through playground pattycake competitions. But what is bad is doing a poor job of copying, which seems like what McDonald’s did with the Southern Style Chicken Sandwich.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 400 calories, 17 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 45 milligrams of cholesterol, 1030 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, and 24 grams of protein.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to TIB reader David for suggesting the McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich. I would’ve reviewed it earlier, but last month I swore off all fast food in hopes of a slimmer waistline and the ability to run more than 100 yards without collapsing.)

Item: McDonald’s Southern Style Chicken Sandwich
Price: $5.29 (“Value” Meal)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Cute. High in protein. Biting pickles. My pattycake skillz. Big pickles.
Cons: Small sandwich. Taste like a mediocre McChicken sandwich. Pricey for its size. High in sodium for something so small. The motion of the ocean doesn’t matter.

REVIEW: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)

Marvo 21 Comments

Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)

I like it that Starbucks makes products for those people who want to experience Starbucks coffee but are afraid to enter the clusterfuck in every Starbucks store. The long lines, the unusual size names, the Chatty Cathys on their phones while ordering, the douchebags sitting at tables with their laptops open like they’re doing work, the rookies who have no idea how to order, the assholes who sneer at the people who don’t know how to order, the overplayed easy listening music, the low sound of the cappuccino machine, the people who stick their pinky finger out while drinking, and the people who AHHH after every sip can be an overwhelming experience for some. The brand new Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee energy drinks are meant for those who aren’t willing to brave those elements.

Just like the members of the 1990s R&B groups Color Me Badd and All-4-One, the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee energy drink comes in three flavors: coffee, mocha, and vanilla. All three were really delicious.

The coffee flavor is great for the hardcore coffee drinker, who enjoys just a little sugar with their black cup of joe because they still want to enjoy its bitterness, always seems to have a coffee mug in their hands, has stained teeth, exhales coffee breath, farts smell like coffee, and if given the option would probably take their coffee through an IV drip. The mocha flavor isn’t as bitter as the coffee flavor and has a hint of chocolate, which makes it perfect for the casual coffee drinker who likes their coffee sweet, but not too sweet, drinks coffee mostly on weekdays at work, will never make coffee at the office coffee maker, and is despised by the hardcore coffee drinker for not making coffee at the office coffee maker. The vanilla flavor is the sweetest of them all and is meant for pussies who can’t handle coffee, but want to look like they can.

I personally enjoyed the vanilla flavor the most and it was the easiest for me to drink, but pretty much all of them were easy to drink.

I’m not sure how much sweet caffeine the Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink has, but each 15-ounce can consists of Starbucks coffee, B-vitamins, guarana and ginseng, all of which gave me a good boost of energy to help me jump start my day of watching the Price Is Right, Googling ex-girlfriends, and masturbating to an online lingerie store.

These Starbucks coffee energy drinks directly compete with the Java Monster and Rockstar Roasted drinks, all of which are equally good. Although, just like the prostitutes Charlie Sheen likes to roll with, the Starbucks ones are a little more expensive than its competition, but then again, isn’t everything from Starbucks?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 can (varies with flavor) – 200-210 calories, 2.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 170-180 milligrams of sodium, 1010-1030 milligrams of potassium, 34-36 grams of carbohydrates, 25-26 grams of sugar, 12 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 50% vitamin C, 40% calcium, 2% iron, 20% vitamin D, 200% riboflavin, 200% niacin, 200% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B12, 2000 milligrams of maltodextrin, 1800 milligrams of taurine, 450 milligrams of L-carnitine, 180 milligrams of inositol, 325 milligrams of panax ginseng, 90 milligrams of guarana

Item: Starbucks Doubleshot Energy + Coffee Energy Drink (Mocha, Vanilla and Coffee)
Price: FREE (Retails for $2.59)
Purchased at: From nice PR people
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Coffee)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mocha)
Pros: Delicious. Good boost of energy. Different flavors for different palates. 12 grams of protein per can. Nice source of potassium. No excessive amounts of sugar. Knicker Picker website.
Cons: Retail price is higher than Monster & Rockstar coffee drinks. Douchebags. The clusterfuck at a busy Starbucks location.

REVIEW: Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries

Marvo 11 Comments

When I got the Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries, I thought it was going to be made out of organic hippietastic ingredients, like hemp, berries from some forest, pine cones stolen from a raccoon, tie-dye shirts, parts from a 1970s Volkswagon van, and Jerry Garcia’s beard trimmings. But then I realized that if it were truly hippietastic, it wouldn’t come packed in foil wrappers inside a cardboard box, it would be wrapped in leaves, sealed with homemade hemp rope, and delivered by some guy who says, “Hey, man” way too much.

Nature’s Path did a good job of making these organic toaster pastries look like the O.G. of toaster pastries — Pop-Tarts. As for its taste, if someone were to blindfold me, handcuff my hands behind the back of a chair, put a leather spiked leash around my neck, put a Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tart and a Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastry in front me in their own doggie dishes, and then tell me I could try each one, only after I say, “May I please try it, Master,” I could definitely tell which one is which. The organic one is surprisingly very good and not as sweet as the original Pop-Tart version, which to me is a little too sweet.

The frosting had a nice crunch to it and the whole thing had a slight grainy texture, like there was with the Whole Grain Pop-Tarts I reviewed earlier, but I didn’t really mind that.

Eating these organic toaster pastries made me feel like I was eating healthy Pop-Tarts, and I wish I had some hippie friends I could share them with in a smoke-filled Volkswagon Bus, but I wondered if they were truly healthy. I compared the nutrition facts for these and the Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts and it turned out that they are about the same. Of course, the main difference between the two is the fact that the Nature’s Path one is organic, meaning that no synthetic pesticides, herbicides, and fertilizers were used in making its ingredients, which truly do give them a health advantage.

As with most organic products, there is a premium with them and these toaster pastries cost higher than their non-organic, big name counterpart. Each box also contains two less pastries than a regular Pop-Tarts box, which can be disappointing when I want to get my food glut on.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry – 210 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 2% calcium, 8% iron, and 0 grams of hippiness.)

Item: Nature’s Path Organic Frosted Strawberry Toaster Pastries
Price: $3.99
Purchased at: Some natural food store
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Organic. It’s frosted, bitches! Naturally flavored. Not overly sweet, like regular Pop-Tarts. Zero trans fat. Vegetarian. Not made out of hippietastic ingredients.
Cons: Slight grainy texture. Only six pastries, compared with Pop-Tarts, which have eight. Paying someone to call them “Master.”

PRIZE DRAWING: Because I Need to Lower My High Fructose Corn Syrup Intake

Marvo 139 Comments

A PR firm sent me the box above, which contains the three Dewmocracy flavors in 12-ounce cans. I received the box the day I posted the Dewmocracy review. Since I don’t need to drink them to play Xtreme Scrabble (which is not as xtreme as you think) or increase my high fructose corn syrup intake, I’ve decided to give it away to a lucky reader.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment for THIS post with either your favorite Mountain Dew flavor or whatever else you’d like to say. Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winner for their mailing address. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Wednesday, June 11, 2008. Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to everyone.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about a three month supply of Flab-be-gone. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can apply for the Disneyland credit card. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or getting crushed by Kim Kardashian’s ass.