ANNOUNCEMENT: Want To Write For The Impulsive Buy?

/ / Announcement

For over six years, The Impulsive Buy has been the blog that thousands of procrastinating college students and bored office workers go to when they’ve caught up with all the panty flashes and nipple slips on The Superficial. The Impulsive Buy is the number one blog on the internet that combines Consumer Reports thoroughness with Playboy comic strip penis jokes. The Impulsive Buy has influenced hundreds of people to avoid Maruchan’s Creamy Alfredo Instant Ramen and let those same people know about the Comfort Wipe

We are currently looking for enthusiastic, talented, funny, and self-motivated individuals to be monkeys with typewriters writers and churn out reviews of the latest products in stores and on fast food menu boards. We’re hoping to bring on two or three new reviewers.

Monkey With A Typewriter Writer Requirements:

1. Must have a typewriter or computer.
2. Willing to fling poop when upset or threatened.
3. Have spelling and grammar abilities equal to or greater than mine.
4. Must be willing to peel own bananas.
5. Own a digital camera.
6. Be okay with being called Curious George and retrieving my yellow hat.
7. Have an ability to entertain people with words, sentences and paragraphs.
8. Have a Paypal account.

It’s a paid gig, but we won’t say how much here. However, we can say it will amount to a decent number of bananas.

If you would like to apply for the position, here’s what you’ll need to send us:

Writing Samples:

1. One sample review in TIB format (price, pros, cons, etc at the bottom). The review can be about whatever product you want. We won’t be using the review on TIB, we just want to see your writing style to determine if you’d be a good fit. To give you an idea of how long a TIB review is, they range from 400-1,000 words.

2. A bio about yourself and why you want to write for The Impulsive Buy.

A Few Notes:

1. Due to legal reasons, we can’t hire minors.

2. Please don’t send attachments. Copy and paste your writing samples into your email.

To apply, please email your sample review and bio to theimpulsivebuyATgmailDOTcom with the line “I want to be a monkey with a typewriter” in the subject line. We will stop accepting applicants on November 5th.

Thank you.

Marvo
Editor

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes

/ / Reviews / 17 Comments

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes

Imagine a world without Cinnabon.

Walking through the malls of America would be less odoriferous. There wouldn’t be anything sweet to cleanse the nasal palate with to get rid of the old person smell wafting from Sears, the youthful scents seeping out of Abercrombie & Fitch, the testosterone pouring out of GNC and the smell of death coming from Radio Shack.

A world without Cinnabon would also be a world without the recent influx of Cinnabon-branded products, like Cinnabon Snack Bars, Cinnabon Cereal, Cinnabon Lip Balm and these Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes.

Oh, what a world that would be!

If you’re expecting these Cinnabon-branded pancakes to taste anything close to Cinnabon’s shopping mall-famous cinnamon rolls, you will be disappointed, like I am whenever I’m told I can’t sit on Santa’s lap at the mall because “I’m a grown man” or because “It looks like I have crabs because I scratch myself in the neither region too much.”

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Naked

While there’s cinnamon baked into each four-inch pancake and spots of white frosting injected into the breakfast disk, they do nothing to make it taste like the cloyingly sweet cinnamon rolls. The cinnamon, which isn’t Cinnabon’s Makara Cinnamon, is noticeable and allows the pancake to be eaten without syrup. But when syrup is added, the cinnamon is easily covered up. As for the frosting, it was like a stripper on stage; I could see it, but couldn’t taste it.

Even though I’m not impressed with the Original Cinnabon Pancakes, I did come up with a way to make them better — turn them into breakfast sandwich buns, a la McGriddles.

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Taco

However, I couldn’t find at my local Safeway a large breakfast sausage patty that would fit nicely in between two of these pancakes. I thought about asking a stock clerk for help, but they were all men and I thought it would be weird asking them if they had bigger sausages.

So instead I bought smaller breakfast patties, microwaved them, cut them in half, tessellated the halves on top of a microwaved pancake and then folded the pancake over to create a breakfast taco that had the right balance of sweet and salty.

Yeah! Suck it, Bobby Flay! The secret ingredient iz deez nutz!

I’m sorry about that unnecessary outburst. I’m just surprised I came up with a breakfast dish that’s slightly more complicated than my last great breakfast idea, which just involved mixing Cocoa Puffs with Cocoa Pebbles and pouring chocolate soy milk over it. And it’s been awhile since I’ve used the phrase “deez nutz” in a review.

Overall, the Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes were mediocre frozen pancakes. The cinnamon flavor was decent, but I really wish I could taste the frosting that was also injected into it. They’re also quite thin, making them easy to cut through and to fold over to create a pancake taco shell, but not really filling for a grown man.

They almost make me wish for a world without Cinnabon.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 pancakes – 270 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 28 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 12 pancakes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable cinnamon flavor. Can be prepared in either the microwave or oven. Makes an great breakfast sandwich bun or breakfast taco shell. Contains eight vitamins and minerals. A world without Cinnabon.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like anything from Cinnabon. Injected frosting isn’t noticeable. The term “injected frosting.” Too thin to be satisfying for a grown man. A grown man not being able to sit on Santa’s lap. Syrup kills cinnamon flavor. A world without Cinnabon.

NEWS: V8 Makes A Threesome Involving Fruits and Vegetables Non-Erotic

/ / Spotted on Shelves

A couple of years ago, V8 created their V-Fusion line that combined vegetable juice with fruit juices to help people consume more vegetables and fruits and to help expand the product line beyond a salted vegetable juice, which I usually see used as a replacement for tomato juice in a Bloody Mary.

It seems combining fruit and vegetable juices wasn’t enough for V8, because they decided to add a third partner — green tea. An 8-ounce serving of the new V8 V-Fusion + Tea provides provides 1/4 cup of vegetables, 1/4 cup of fruits and the antioxidant power of green tea. Although I’m not sure how much antioxidant power the green tea provides.

V8 V-Fusion + Tea comes in three flavors: Raspberry Green Tea, Pineapple Mango Green Tea and Pomegranate Green Tea. All three come in 46-ounce bottles and contain 50 calories, 0 grams of fat, 60 milligrams of sodium, 13 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 100% vitamin C per 8 ounce serving.

NEWS: New Vitaminwater Stur-D Will Help Bones But Break Merriam-Webster’s Heart

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 1 Comment

Hey! Have you been waiting for a new Vitaminwater flavor with a name that looks like it was created by someone whose ability to spell is just a tad higher than a bird pecking at a keyboard? Well your wait is almost over because you’ll soon get to enjoy Vitaminwater Stur-D.

The blue-colored Stur-D will be blue agave, passion fruit and citrus flavored and it will be the first Vitaminwater flavor to include fruit juice, although it will be made with only 5 percent juice.

The latest flavor gets its name because each serving contains 10 percent of the daily value for vitamin D and calcium, which help support strong bones, and it also has 120 percent of the daily value for vitamin C, which helps the body make collagen, which is needed to support joints. It also contains 40 percent of the daily value of vitamins B3, B5, B6 and B12, which helps the Nutrition Facts label on it look a little longer.

Vitaminwater Stur-D will retail for $1.49 and be available in December.

Image via flickr user Robert S. Donovan / CC BY 2.0

REVIEW: Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes

/ / Reviews / 13 Comments

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes

The new place I moved into doesn’t have a conventional oven. I knew it wasn’t going to have one, but I didn’t think I would mind. However, it turns out I kind of miss having one.

Because without an oven, I can’t heat frozen pizzas, make casseroles or make big batches of cookies, brownies and crystal meth.

But I also kind of don’t miss having an oven.

When I had one, I had to wait for it to preheat, clean it regularly with Easy-Off and live with the fear of big batches of crystal meth causing a huge explosion.

Thank Spencer for the microwave oven and its ability to heat the water molecules in food. And thank Marie Callender’s for their new Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes because now I can serve a lasagna meal for two to four people without a conventional oven and the phosphine flavor the lasagna would have if that conventional oven was part of a meth lab.

According to the box, the Marie Callender’s lasagna contains, “freshly made noodles layered with white meat chicken, crimini mushrooms, spinach and real ricotta cheese.”

Preparing the lasagna involves sticking it in the microwave oven for 13 to 15 minutes, which is probably the longest wait I’ve ever had for a microwaveable meal.

Now some of you might be wondering about the effects of exposing the lasagna to radiation for an amount of time that equals an episode of Robot Chicken with commercials. Well don’t fret, my friend, because it comes in a magical baking tray that bakes evenly, won’t cause burnt corners and won’t cause the lasagna to explode like an overheated meth mixture in a conventional oven.

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes Tray

For something that was nuked for 15 minutes in a microwave, the lasagna turned out pretty good, except for one very small section that had some tough, dried out noodles. The chicken was soft, there was an ample amount of sauce, and the spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish.

The delicious tomato sauce that flowed in between the layers of noodles blended well with the spinach and mushrooms, allowing their flavors to come through. The cheese and chicken provided little flavor, but I’m fine with that because the sauce made up for it.

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes Slice

The baking tray the Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bake came in measures 8 inches by 6.5 inches by 1.75 inches. It’s a decent sized tray and I believe it provides enough to feed two hungry people or four meth addicts who have suppressed appetites thanks to meth.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/227 grams – 290 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 630 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes
Price: $5.99 (on sale)
Size: 31 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Serves two to four, depending on appetites. Good sauce. Can taste the spinach and mushrooms. Spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish. Comes in a nifty baking tray.
Cons: Meth. Chicken and cheese provided little flavor. Meth. Took a long time to cook in the microwave. Phosphine gas. Not being able to bake big batches of cookies and brownies. Meth.

Scroll to Top