Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Doritos Screamin’ Sriracha

Marvo 3 Comments

Doritos Screamin Sriracha

A sriracha-flavored Doritos is something that should’ve come out years ago when the hot sauce was all the culinary rage back in 2013 to 2016. It seemed as if everyone was jumping into the pool of sriracha products like the flavor was a year-round pumpkin spice. But the brand that once brought us Mountain Dew-flavored tortilla chips didn’t offer anything at the time.

But Doritos Screamin’ Sriracha is finally here, and you know what they say, “Better late than getting lost in the glut of other sriracha products.” I believe a wise rooster crowed that.

Doritos Screamin Sriracha Closeup

The word “screamin’” gives a hint that these chips might be spicy. They certainly do appear to be angry with all the red seasoning that looks as if they’re waiting to pop a capsaicin in yo’ mouth’s nerves. The chips smell like a smoldering spicy fire that could ignite at any moment.

And the first few chips do bring the heat, but before I reach the serving size, my mouth gets numb to the spices. So I don’t feel compelled to douse my oral cavity with a cold beverage or cry “mommy” as I wish the tiny devils on my tongue would stop poking it with their pitchforks. But if you’re even the slightest spice adverse, stay far away from these chips. Don’t even pretend like you’re going to lick them for your Instagram.

As for their flavor, even though my mouth gets used to the burn enough that I could stuff my face with more of them, getting past the spiciness didn’t encourage me to shovel these into my mouth. Instead, now that I wasn’t thinking of the heat, my mind was clear enough to realize that I wouldn’t buy another bag of these chips.

They’re a little sweet, slightly garlicky, a tad oniony, and really peppery. On paper, that looks like a tasty chip, and it has all the appropriate ingredients you’d find in sriracha sauce, but the combination doesn’t appeal to my taste buds. Also, they do remind me of Doritos Blaze, which I did not care for, but I do think these are a little more tolerable.

Look, I like sriracha. It’s my go-to addition to pho. I’ve put it on burgers. I’ve dipped fries into it. But the flavor on these chips doesn’t do it for me. Maybe if the seasoning on Doritos Screamin’ Sriracha was a tad sweeter and the garlic was more pronounced, I would’ve enjoyed them more.

Purchased Price: Too much on eBay
Size: 9 3/4 oz. bag
Purchased at: ???
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (about 12 chips) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, less than 1 gram of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Sour Strawberry Skittles Freeze

Vin

Taco Bell Sour Strawberry Skittles Freeze

What is the Taco Bell Sour Strawberry Skittles Freeze?

If you’re a fan of Taco Bell’s Strawberry Skittles Freeze, you can now get a mouth puckering upgrade with an added pump of sour green syrup.

How is it?

Do you like Sour Skittles, but hate the coarse mouth-ripping sugar they’re coated in?

I mean, even if you love that tart palate-scraping sand, I have no doubt you’ll love the Sour Strawberry Skittles Freeze. This drink is a pretty spot-on representation of its namesake candy.

Taco Bell Sour Strawberry Skittles Freeze Top

Actually, while I was sipping this, I had a revelation – I never eat Skittles individually. I toss at least 4 in my mouth at once, so I’m not sure I’ve ever actually experienced the true standalone flavor of a Skittle. I guess I can officially confirm that Sour Strawberry is an elite Skittles flavor.

The level of sourness is right on par with Sour Skittles, but the fact it’s a frozen drink counteracts the usual feeling of thirst you’d have after polishing off a bag.

Is there anything else you need to know?

Taco Bell Sour Strawberry Skittles Freeze Bottom

As often happens, the advertising photos of this drink looked much better than the finished product. The sour syrup wasn’t striped throughout, but rather pooled at the bottom of the cup.

For some reason that didn’t register with my pre-frozen brain, so only my first few sips tasted like a delicious sour Slush Puppy.

If I wasn’t an aloof dope, I would have mixed it immediately to try and extend the sour sensation. I only ended up getting about five sour sips before it turned back into a normal Strawberry Skittles Freeze.

I’m not mad about it though, the regular is just as delicious and authentic to the candy I love, and it acted as a tasty palate cleanser.

Conclusion:

This refreshing drink was a great counterbalance to Taco Bell’s food, and I now realize I’ve been sleeping on their frozen drink menu for far too long.

Go enjoy one before National Skittles Day*.

*Which I’ve just declared as November 1st aka Half Price Halloween Candy Day!!!

Purchased Price: $2.39
Size: Regular
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: 190 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 45 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 43 grams of sugar, and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Burger King Impossible King

Dan 3 Comments

Burger King Impossible King

Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Two rights don’t quite make a left.
Two birds don’t make a handy bush. Or something like that.

But what do two impossibles make? ?Possible? Implausible? Divide by zero error?

Well, in my experience with Burger King’s Impossible King, I’d say it’d be more aptly named the Gastrointestinally Impassable King. For this sandwich, this absurdly unasked for and apparently regionally available unit of a double-pattied organism is heavy. Heavier than the internal conflict that arises when eating it:

Me: “It seems contradictory to put so much cheese on a meatless sandwich.”

Also me: “Dan, you’re just a vegetarian. And by default, they grill these with the beef burgers, wallowing in all the same moo juices.”

“I’m trying to get better! And besides, you can request for it to be non-broiled.”

“Did you?”

“…look, you’ve seen our stomach. We get bloated to the point of bleating off just one Impossible Whopper.”

“You haven’t had a real honkin’ heifer burger in years. Perhaps this isn’t for you.”

“Are you challenging me?”

“I’ll see you in the fetal position later.”

Alright, enough. Let’s enter the belly of the beast that is the beast in my belly.

I love the Impossible Whopper. It’s the perfect sacrifice to the phantom meat memories that haunt me not with “BOOs” but “lack of B12s,” and it’s my go-to vegetarian road trip indulgence. Yet by doubling down on impossibilities, the Impossible King manages to halve the original’s appeal. And for a good reason: balance.

Burger King Impossible King Split

The Impossible Whopper works because the scales of divine burger equity deemed it harmonious. Though the patties are imperfect meat clones that lack a certain hearty juiciness, the other toppings and trappings of a Whopper mask the blemishes with gushing pickles and the playful nip of white onions. But when said patty’s in-‘wich real estate becomes a duplex, the arid cracks in Impossible’s freest-range façade become glaring fissures.

The patties are dry. There, I said it. And by consequence, the entire Impossible King feels too dry.

Yes, the familiar smokiness and testosterone-associated texture of a burger still shine through to the point of inspiring me to call up my son for a game of catch. I don’t have a son. But the nuances. There’s still a palpable burst of much-needed tomato pulp, but the onion’d accents and pickled particulars are all smothered in dehydrated beefishness and a borderline seminal soup of mayo and melted cheese.

While I bet Burger King added so much cheese to try and restore blind burger justice, its dearth of flavor only makes the whole sandwich blander, mushier, and filler-heavy. Add in the sheer girth of this King-thing, and it’s unlikely to attract many seeking a wholesome lunch. I could only eat half of it at noontide, and after disgracing myself twelve hours later—as the Impossible King’s refrigerated remnants dimly reflected in the kitchen sink I devoured it over—I knew there would be an intestinal reckoning.

I slept the sleep of a freakshow cannonball-stomacher, and in my dream of getting gut-punched by the Burger King himself behind a heinously vandalized McDonald’s, I saw a prophecy of the abdominal agony that would come the following morning.

As I write this that very same morning, I can feel the Indigestible King exerting its influence over my writing, one fetal kick at a time. But I must tell you all the truth: even if you can find an Impossible King in your area, don’t bother. At $7.69, you’re paying two dollars too much for a manipulative sandwich that won’t respect you, nor your scant hopes of clean eating.

I’ll stick with the Impossible Whopper, thank you very much. It may not be healthy either, but at least it doesn’t force me into an unhealthy parasitic relationship with my distressed gut flora.

Purchased Price: $7.69
Size: N/A
Rating: 3 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: Nutritional info unavailable: seriously, this thing’s a ghost online.

REVIEW: Lay’s Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup Potato Chips

Marvo 5 Comments

Lay s Grilled Cheese Tomato Soup Potato Chips

There are some of you who are looking at Lay’s new Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup Potato Chips and thinking to yourself, “Dammit! That was MY Lay’s Do Us a Flavor submission! Frito-Lay stole my idea!” or “Dammit! Lay’s ripped that flavor idea out of my head! This tinfoil hat I made doesn’t work!”

If you have no ill will towards Lay’s, I’d recommend purchasing a bag of this limited time flavor if you’re interested in experiencing the comfort food combination of tomato soup and grilled cheese without having to worry about burning your mouth with savory liquid or getting your fingers greasy with buttered bread.

I’d also recommend this new variety if you like pizza. I’ll get to that in a few moments.

Lay s Grilled Cheese Tomato Soup Potato Chips Closeup

The crunchy fried potato slices look like they might taste either super cheesy or a little spicy, but they are neither. They smell more cheesy than tomato soup-y, but that flips when being eaten. The tomato is sweet, slightly acidic, and at the forefront from the first chomp.

The cheese is still around but in the background of the chip’s flavor. Also, like with Lay’s previous sandwich-flavored chips, it tastes as if the food scientists were able to add a little bread flavoring, or maybe that’s my imagination. But what I do know is real is that Lay’s Grilled Cheese & Tomato Soup Potato Chips are delightful.

The flavor profile is easily recognizable. However, as someone who has dipped his hands into many bag-shaped universes of chips, the combination of tomato and cheese, at times, reminds me of pizza-flavored snacks. But if you think about it, it does make sense since pizza is a few food chromosomes away from tomato soup and grilled cheese.

These chips aren’t as comforting or warming as a grilled cheese sandwich dipped into hot tomato soup. But, since chips go well with sandwiches, this crunchy snack would make an appropriate and tasty side.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free sample of the product from Lay’s PR team. Well, actually, I received two bags and ate half of one within 30 minutes for, um, testing purposes. Getting free samples did not influence my review. Although I can totally see how some might think so. But I assure you it did not.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 7 3/4 oz. bag
Purchased at: Received from Lay’s PR
Rating: 8 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (about 15 chips) 160 calories, 10 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Campfire S’more Pops

Meghan 2 Comments

Campfire S more Pops

What are Campfire S’more Pops?

Move over cake pops because there’s a new sweet-on-a-stick in town! Designed to deliver a perfectly portable take on the classic treat, each pack of pops consists of Campfire’s standard-issue marshmallows enrobed in a milk chocolate and graham cracker shell.

How are they?

If you’ve ever eaten a regular s’ more, then you should know what to expect here. The milk chocolate and marshmallows both taste like any generic equivalent, and the graham cracker crumbs are identical to the dust at the bottom of a box of Honey Maid. Oddly enough, even though I suppose everything tastes more or less as they’re intended to, I can’t think of any better word to describe these pops than “adequate.”

Campfire S more Pops Size

Each component of the traditional toasted dessert is here, but what these treats lack is the messy, gooey nostalgia that makes s’ mores a special occasion kind of food. You don’t eat s’ mores on any old Tuesday night, because nobody wants to go through the work of gathering the ingredients, tending the fire, and cleaning everything up at the end if they know they have to wake up to go to work the next morning.

Campfire S more Pops Innards

Although I suppose some people might like that these s’ mores-on-a-stick are ready to eat, I think Campfire’s taken a midsummer culinary icon and removed the shared sense of cultural experience that makes it special in the first place.

Is there anything else you should know?

Campfire S more Pops Plated

Considering how lackluster these were to me in every other regard, I have to knock Campfire a little for how expensive these are. I mean, two bucks for only three pops? Seriously? Even if I’m only eating by myself, I’d want at least five of these to feel somewhat satisfied. By the time I’ve invested enough money to buy a reasonable portion, I may as well have bought a bag of Campfire’s regular roasters and cooked my own s’ mores at home in the toaster oven.

Conclusion:

Although these might look cute sitting in a candy shop, or nested in the pastry case of a chic café, I’d advise passing on these in favor of making your own s’ mores at home.

Purchased Price: $1.98
Size: 3 pops
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (3 marshmallows) 190 calories, 6 grams of total fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 24 grams of total sugars, 23 grams of added sugars, and 2 grams of protein.