We, as a society, move one minute closer to the somewhat dystopic culinary midnight of a full-on meat replacement with the commercial-creation and mass-consumption of the Sonic Signature Slingers, a new limited-time cheeseburger with a “100-percent pure beef” patty that is apparently “blended with savory mushrooms and seasonings” which, according to the good folks at Sonic, is something that is “almost too good to be true.”

They said the same thing about Soylent Green.

Futuristic nutritional values and dietary requirements aside, however, Sonic’s big selling point of their Signature Slinger (a cooler way to say slider, I guess?) is that their “Classic” option is a better burger for you and your health, “starting at under 350 calories.” What you do with the rest of it is up to you and your dietician, I guess, especially when considering that a much heftier (and financially comparable) Jr. Deluxe Burger is only 380 calories.

At first glance, the Classic Slinger is a bit of a greasy mess, with the “bakery-quality” brioche bun simply glistening with grease as errant mayo and cheese glooped and glopped about with no remorse. The patty itself was yawningly flat and offered nothing noticeable to the naked eye to distinguish it from any other ol’ beef patty they serve, especially when desperately aided with pickles, onions, and tomatoes. (The promised lettuce, however, was nowhere in sight, at least not here.)

Taste-wise, the mushrooms and any expected earthiness thereof was just not there, not in any apparent shape or form. Not only that, but the patty was actually kind of dry and the requisite dowsing of mayo and cheese was a real Godsend in this case, adding much needed texture and flavor to the proceedings, aided with many sips of a Rt. 44 Diet Dr. Pepper, of course.

To be honest, the Classic Sonic Signature Slinger is really nothing special; it’s a fine little cheeseburger to be sure, but one that is just as comparable in most ways to any other sandwich on the value menu. This goes double for the mostly redundant Bacon Melt Signature Slingers, which is more of the same except for, you guessed it, bacon.

Served on the same “bakery-quality” brioche bun, those smoky strips of greasy pork add nothing but extra calories and fat to a cheeseburger whose sole purpose was to be better than that. There’s very little charm to the whole thing, the same dry patty in need of extra cheese and mayo, leaving the customer wondering what far more substantial alternatives on the menu they should’ve ordered instead.

After trying both varieties, it’s mostly left me wondering who, exactly, are these are for? They’re obviously not for vegetarians, they’re not all that better for you, health-wise, and, worst of all, they add no sort of new and spectacular flavor sensations to the palate to set them apart from the rest of the all-beef pack. I guess, out of natural curiosity, they’re worth a try or two, but, in the long run, they’re just kind of…there.

That being said, I do look forward to the next scientific development in the Sonic test kitchens, presumably that of the all-mushroom beef-flavored patty in the next few frightening years. Charlton Heston would be proud. ¡Cómpralo ya!

(Nutrition Facts – Classic – 340 calories. The other nutrition facts aren’t available on the Sonic website.)

Purchased Price: $1.99
Size: N/A
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Supposedly under 350 calories. The novelty of a mushroom beef-patty. Charlton Heston screaming in the streets.
Cons: Dry and in need of plenty of calorie-inducing condiments. No mushroom “flavor.” Kind of pointless.

If you love chocolatey cereals, you should buy this huge bag of Malt-O-Meal’s Double Chocolate Brownie Crunch.

Now some of you might think, if it’s not good, you’ll be stuck with a gigantic bag of cereal. Well, two things. One, they say when life gives you bad cereal, you make cereal treats or milkshakes. Two, this cereal is surprisingly wonderful.

It’s surprising because Malt-O-Meal has this reputation as being an inexpensive generic brand, like Mountain Breeze is to Mountain Dew, and generic brands tend to be not good copycats of the big name brand. Well, two things. One, this cereal somewhat a copycat of last year’s Limited Edition Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs. Two, it’s 10 times better than that big brand limited edition cereal.

The crispy corn puffs are made with real cocoa. They don’t taste like brownies, but they have a bold chocolate flavor that makes me go cuckoo for Double Chocolate Brownie Crunch. Sorry, Sonny. The marshmallows are also a little chocolatey and there’s A LOT of them. They have a pleasant squish when in milk. And speaking of milk, what’s left at the bottom of the bowl after all the cereal disappears is a delightful, sweet liquid that must be slurped up.

I’m sad that I’m almost done with the bag of Malt-O-Meal’s Double Chocolate Brownie Crunch. Maybe because I’ve spent so much time with it. There’s so much cereal in this bag that it’s taken me weeks to finish it. Or maybe I’m sad because it’s one of the best chocolatey cereals I’ve had in a long time and I’m going to need to buy an inexpensive bag soon.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free sample from Post Cereals. But I assure you that receiving it for free did not influence my review, even though it totally reads like it might’ve.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 33.5 oz. bag
Purchased at: Received from Post Cereals
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 cup – cereal only) 130 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 115 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 29 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.