Item: Fiber One Salted Caramel Cheesecake Bar
Purchased Price: $3.49
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 150 calories, 60 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 130 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)
Day 1: Test Subject CH-19 has reported for experimentation. CH-19 is an ordinary, unassuming Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookie. While being paid for its compliance, our scientists injected CH-19 with the brownie genome. Is this ethical? Perhaps not, but those nefarious Girl Scouts have little girls running around calling themselves “Brownies,” so our study will continue, too.
Day 20: It’s working. CH-19 reported digestive bloating, and our x-rays revealed that a brownie is indeed growing inside of it. Satisfied, our scientists will sell some of the other subjects in this condition and call them Brownie Filled Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookies.
Day 32: We had no idea that the brownie filled cookies were only Phase 2 of a grander biological process. The metamorphosis into full-blown Brownie Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookie is complete. After an incident not unlike a cocoa-covered version of that scene from Aliens, the brownie chestburster has entirely taken over CH-19 (Sigourney Weaver wouldn’t answer our phone calls). Its blondie exterior is now the earthy color of fresh soil, and he is emitting a scent similar to your grandma’s kitchen during the county fair bake sale.
Day 42: Dissecting CH-19 for taste testing, the soft, chip-stuffed exterior of the roughly Pog-sized (only real ‘90s cookies remember!) treat crumbled easily, revealing its dense, crumb-spewing innards.
Its base flavor is remarkably similar to regular Chewy Chips Ahoy! cookies: buttery, moist, and straddling the border of cloyingly sweet with its noticeable brown sugar undertones and added sugariness from the exploding chocolate chip morsels. At first, a blind taste tester might not even be able to discern post-transformation CH-19 from his original state.
However, further analysis reveals CH-19’s new superpower: the power of the chew. By chewing, chewing, and continuing to chew until your jawbones experience karoshi (word of the day, kids!), new depths of flavor are unearthed. First comes a dull cocoa, which quickly becomes a doughy richness that has some genuine fudge notes. This comparatively subdued cocoa taste pairs well with the chocolate chips’ blasts of straight sugar.
But despite the complexities lurking deep within CH-19’s soul, the jaw exhaustion (ex-jaw-stion?) necessary to bring them out isn’t worth the end result. Without the vanilla undertones or oily base (their uncomfortable sticky gloss doesn’t count) of a genuine brownie, these cookies can’t be considered a reasonable replacement for the actual thing. CH-19 and his fellow subjects fall more into the category of “obviously artificial cookies that taste just real enough for Mom to pass them off as homemade so she can have a gosh darn night to herself for once.”
All in all, the cookies are like when the director rereleases your favorite movie with 7 seconds of deleted footage: the added cocoa-brownie taste is, well, tasty, but it’s so barely noticeable that only the delicate palates of seasoned Ahoy!coholics will be driven to hunt these down.
Day 44: Uh oh. CH-19 is not happy. It has transcended its brownie form and evolved into a higher being. CH-19 has entered Phase 4. The self-titled and grammatically questionable “Ahoy!wich” makes for a delightfully potent and extra chocolaty version of a Chipwich—albeit a disappointingly bite-sized one. The flavor of CH-19’s new vanilla ice cream abdomen ups his “brownie credibility” another notch. He’s too powerful now.
The Ahoy!calypse is upon us.
(Nutrition Facts – 2 cookies – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 60 milligrams of potassium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)
Item: Nabisco Limited Edition Brownie Chewy Chips Ahoy Cookies
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 9.5 oz.
Purchased at: Spartan Store
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Chewy goodness. The ol’ one-two cocoa-chocolate punch. Learning new words. Hey look, Mom made cookies!
Cons: Not brownie-y enough. Not much difference from “blondie” chewy Chips Ahoy! Ex-jaw-stion. Randomly placed exclamation! points. Our new Ahoy!wich overlords.
When I was a kid, my mom chose not to feed us Hot Pockets. With tears in my eyes and hunger in my stomach, I spent many lunchtimes watching my classmates shove pepperoni-filled pastries into their pudgy little faces.
But now I’m an adult, and I’ve sworn to eat as many Hot Pockets as I want. This is America, dammit. As a citizen of this beautiful country, it is my duty to engorge myself with meat-filled freezer pies to my heart’s content. Don’t believe me? Go read the Bill of Rights. Freedom of Meats, y’all.
Exercising my rights as an American citizen, I decided to visit my local Hot Pocket Palace, known more colloquially as Walmart. I soon realized I was unsure of where to find Hot Pockets in this supermarket. To my surprise, they were not located in the same aisle as diapers. (Jim Gaffigan, eat your heart out.)
I eventually made it home with a package of Hot Pockets Limited Edition Chicken Pot Pie. According the front of the box, each Hot Pocket contains white meat chicken, carrots, peas, onions, and celery. According to the back of the box, it also contains many complex-sounding ingredients that could easily trip up the finalists in a second grade spelling bee: “Timmy, your word is sodium stearoyl lactylate. What’s that? Use it in a sentence? My Hot Pocket contains sodium stearoyl lactylate.”
Even after using the included crisping sleeve, the Hot Pocket emerged from the microwave with a slightly rubbery, chewy crust. It tasted blandly of flour, with not enough buttery flavor. The oven provided better results, yielding a more flaky, crispy crust that drew attention away from these flaws.
I must admit, I had pretty high expectations for this crust after hearing Snoop Dogg sing its praises in that bizarre Hot Pockets commercial from a few years back. That video deserved a Grammy, or at least a Nobel Peace Prize. I even keep the MP3 on my iPod for when I work out at the gym. Ever try getting your swole on while Snoop busts a rhyme about beef and cheese? That shit’s a natural muscle enhancer.
Breathing in the unmistakable scent of freshly-baked chicken pot pie, I was eager to take my first bite. After repeatedly scorching the roof of my mouth on the Hot Pocket’s superheated innards, I was finally able to taste the filling.
Compared to the filling in frozen pot pies I’ve tasted in the past, the Hot Pocket’s filling seems less creamy. Its flavor comes primarily from the chicken, which doesn’t feel rubbery or unnatural in texture, but tastes over-seasoned with a pre-packaged meat vibe. Every once in a while, I experienced a burst of pea flavor, but the carrots, onions, and celery seemed lost in the sea of pie filling. In addition, several spots inside the pocket were emptier than expected; the pastry could have used a bit more filling.
This Chicken Pot Pie Hot Pocket leaves something to be desired, and feels more like a savory pie-flavored Toaster Strudel than a bonafide pot pie. At only a few cents over two dollars, they seem like a steal, but I have no desire to purchase another box.
Well, at least I can cross something off my bucket list:
1. Write 500 words about a Hot Pocket
2. Eat a Hot Pocket with Kate Upton
3. Watch Harry and the Hendersons without crying
4. Finish writing my bucket list
Kate, if you’re reading this, I’ve got a box of pepperoni Hot Pockets with your name on it.
(Nutrition Facts – 1 Hot Pocket – 240 calories, 90 calories from fat, 10 grams of total fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 8 grams of protein..)
Item: Limited Edition Chicken Pot Pie Hot Pockets
Purchased Price: $2.18
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Crust is flaky, crispy when cooked in oven. Chicken doesn’t feel rubbery. Strong chicken flavor. Freedom of Meats. The twisted satisfaction I feel when sabotaging second grade spelling bees.
Cons: Crust is bland, rubbery when cooked in microwave. Chicken feels over-seasoned. Chicken and peas are the only noticeable fillings. Emptier than expected. The looks people give me when I’m jamming out to Snoop Dogg’s song about Hot Pockets.
I know it’s hard to resist this Hello Kitty Ice Cream Cake.
For some of you, you’re squealing the word “kawaii” (cute) in your head or out loud and you’re halfway out the door with your Hello Kitty purse hanging from your arm and your Hello Kitty tattoo that’s in a location that only the tattoo artist who put it there and your bathroom mirror knows.
But before you rush out that door and spend your hard earned money on this ice cream cake, I want you to ask yourself — WWHKD.
What Would Hello Kitty Do?
I know what Hello Kitty would do. She would not put this ice cream cake anywhere near her mouth because…1) she doesn’t have a frickin’ mouth and 2) it’s not very kawaii.
I mean, look at it. Those dead eyes. The bow that looks like a baboon’s butt. And that colorful crap around it.
The confetti sprinkles on the cake’s edges make it look like it was downwind from an office worker opening a paper hole puncher used only for colored paper in front of a fan. Not only do those colorful sprinkles make it look like Hello Kitty has a beard made from wet clown wigs, they also have a texture that I would describe as waterlogged cardboard that’s been dried out. They add a deadening texture to the exterior of the cake and they taste like the cheaper version of the sticks that come with Fun Dip. Stale store brand Fruity Pebbles would be an upgrade over these.
As for the white frosting, it has an Elmer’s Glue-like consistency and a flavor that’s exactly what I imagine the color white tastes like. Behind that white frosting is vanilla ice cream mixed with more of those confetti sprinkles. It’s fetti-like.
Now you might be thinking, “Don’t you mean Funfetti-like?”
No. The word “fun” should never be used to describe this product.
The ice cream isn’t creamy, but that might be the fault of the sprinkles inside it. Its flavor will be fine for any non-discerning taste buds and the sprinkles in it don’t seem to be as cardboard-y as the ones on the outside of the cake. But even if the inside of this ice cream cake is tolerable, I have to say no to it.
How crazy is it to say “no” to an ice cream cake? No ice cream cake should make me feel that way.
If you happen to be at a party and one of these are brought out, the first thing you should do is cut out Hello Kitty’s dead eyes so that your eyes don’t end up being a reflection of hers as you make your way through one slice. When you get that slice and you can’t secretly throw it into the trash, shave off those rainbow sprinkles and as much of the frosting as you can. The ice cream is tolerable, but when eaten with everything else, not so much.
Personally, I think the cake should be either melted by Bad Badtz-Maru, buried in the ground by Pochacco, drowned by Kerokerokeroppi, or violently cut into pieces by Chococat. Yes, part of my head is filled with the names of Sanrio characters. No Google or Wikipedia for me.
Speaking of Sanrio, I’m 100 percent sure Sanrio doesn’t really care this cake is bad because they probably got their licensing money. I’m also 100 percent sure they’re not celebrating the fact that they got their licensing money with a Hello Kitty Ice Cream Cake.
Oh, and while we’re on the subject of money, I should mention I paid $26 for this embarrassing reason for possible tooth decay. Even if you saw it for one-third of the price, it’s not worth it.
(Nutrition Facts – 1/12 of a cake – 240 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 30 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 3 grams of protein.)
Item: Hello Kitty Ice Cream Cake
Purchased Price: $25.99
Size: 52 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Times Supermarket
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: Ice cream is tolerable. Don’t need Google or Wikipedia to list Sanrio characters. WWHKD.
Cons: Not cute. Confetti sprinkles have a texture similar to cardboard that’s been wet and then dried. Sprinkles have a bland flavor. Ice cream isn’t creamy. Frosting is as bland as the sprinkles. Not worth $26.
Ever eaten a food that doesn’t live up to the only descriptor in its title? Like a spicy dish that was not spicy at all? If you have, you know it’s a frustrating experience. It’s kind of like a broken promise.
This was the case with Dunkin’ Donuts’ new Chips Ahoy! Crunch Donut. See the word crunch there? I saw it too, and like a sad mindless sheep I gave DD my unconditional trust. Yet not one time did I hear something that even slightly resembled a crunching sound in my mouth whilst eating the donut. It was a more irksome experience than reading the children’s poem “Five Little Ducks” as a grown up.
So here’s the gist of the poem: Five little ducks went out one day, over the hill and far away. Mother duck said, “quack, quack, quack,” but only four little ducks came back.”
The trend continues until one little duck remains, and that little duck doesn’t come back either. And it isn’t until the last duck is gone that the mother duck shows any sign of worry. What kind of irresponsible parenting is that!? Don’t you think she would’ve called the duck authorities to put out a duck Amber Alert after her first kid disappeared? No, she waits until they’re all gone.
At the end she says, “quack, quack, quack,” and all the little ducks come back, but there’s no telling what kind of traumatic event they went through. They’ve probably been brainwashed by a duck cult, or a group of duck terrorists. Either way, the mother’s awful brand of parenting has assured these kids are going to live some ducked up lives.
Oh yeah, the donut. So it’s basically a fluffy donut with chocolate frosting on top, which is then sprinkled with crumbled Chips Ahoy! Cookies. Sounds good, and it was good, but the big problem is that the cookie crumbles aren’t big enough and they are not crunchy in the slightest.
The donut was almost like a cruller, not in looks or taste but in how light it was. It wasn’t totally filled with cake the whole way through, as there were air pockets in the middle of the donut. Because of this, it’s not a meal like some donuts, but more of a snack. The chocolate frosting was rather rich, and not having had a donut from DD in a hot minute, I forgot how good frosted donuts were. Hope this doesn’t put me back on the wagon…
Back to those cookie crumbles. They were more of a tease than anything else. Mine did not have big enough chunks to get a true Chips Ahoy! cookie taste, and again, there was a total absence of the promised crunch. The cookies were kind of soft. Maybe the crunch is supposed to come when I slam my fist down on the table in anger after eating it and realizing I’ve been lied to?
I almost went for the Chips Ahoy! Crème donut, but I’m a crunch guy so I went with my gut. I noticed that one also had crumbled cookies on top, and If I were you I would go that route. Again, this donut does not taste bad, but it’s a horrible lie. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice… you won’t fool me twice, Dunkin’ Donuts, this is the last time! I’ll not subscribe to your tomfoolery any longer! FREEEEEDDOOOOMMMMM!!!
(Nutrition Facts – 310 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 360 milligrams of sodium, 36 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 15 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)
Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Chips Ahoy! Crunch Donut
Purchased Price: $1.07
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Tasty donut. Rich chocolate frosting is great. FREEEEEDDOOOOMMMMM!!!
Cons: Absence of crunch. Cookie pieces aren’t big enough and aren’t present enough. Irresponsible mother duck.