Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Burger King Satisfries

Marvo 8 Comments

Burger King Satisfries

I have to admit “Satisfries” is a very clever name for Burger King’s latest addition to their sides menu. Or perhaps I should say its name gratifries my wordplay bone. Yes, I could fill this review with words that end with -fries, but the thought of that probably horrifries many. So this sentence signifries the end of me using anymore words I’ve made up using the suffix -fries.

Burger King’s Satisfries look like your typical crinkle-cut fries, but it’s what you don’t see that’s being promoted heavily by the fast food company. According to Burger King’s website in a big, bold font, Satisfries have 40 percent less fat and 30 percent less calories than McDonald’s fries. They also have 20 percent less calories and 25 percent less fat than Burger King’s classic fries, even though they’re cooked in the same fryers, same oil, for the same amount of time as the non-crinkled fries.

So what fast food magic allows Satisfries to have less fat and calories? According to Burger King, these new fries use a less porous batter to keep out more oil during cooking. So how are these crinkle-cut fries that sound like they’ve been through a culinary Oxy acne treatment?

I like them. In fact, I like them more than BK’s classic fries. Although, to be honest, I don’t think too highly of them.

Burger King Satisfries Innards

They have a better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries and because they’re thicker there’s a lot of hot and fluffy goodness inside. It’s almost as if they’ve been stuffed with mashed potatoes. Satisfries go great with ketchup (and Burger King’s Zesty sauce) and have a pleasant crisp exterior, however I think BK’s classic fries are crispier and salted better. The first few Satisfries I ate were salted well, but as I made my way through the sleeve, they seemed to be less salty.

However, while Satisfries have significantly less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries, I don’t think they have the flavor to make my taste buds crave them instead of McDonald’s starchy offering. They taste too similar to the frozen crinkle-cut fries I can prepare in my oven.

Burger King Satisfries Classic Fries

You also have to pay a premium for them. They’re 10 to 30 cents more expensive than Burger King’s classic fries and there’s an upcharge if you want them with your value meal.

Personally, I think Burger King should make their Satisfries the same price as their classic fries and then have the two battle it out for the hearts and wallets of consumers. The product that sells better wins and becomes Burger King’s only fries and the loser is banished from the fast food world and promises to never return, not even for a limited time, joining Burger King’s pre-2011 fries and The King mascot.

I hope Burger King’s Satisfries sell well and takes its rightful place as the fast food chain’s default fries. They’re better tasting, better for you, and have a better name than their classic fries. Also, having two different fries on the menu that have almost the same flavor profile stupefries me.

Sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

(Nutrition Facts – medium size – 340 calories, 120 calories from fat, 14 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 370 milligrams of sodium, 51 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Satisfries
Purchased Price: $2.99
Size: Medium
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Better potato flavor than Burger King’s classic fries. Clever name. Less calories and fat than McDonald’s fries and BK’s classic fries. Hot and fluffy innards. Crispy exterior. Not using diversifries, exemplifries, and identifries in this review.
Cons: Pricier than Burger King’s classic fries. Not as crispy and salty as BK’s classic fries. Still not as good as McDonald’s fries. Autocorrect correcting every attempt to type Satisfries.

QUICK REVIEW: Limited Edition Pillsbury Caramel Apple Toaster Strudel

Marvo 3 Comments

Limited Edition Pillsbury Caramel Apple Toaster Strudel

Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 6 pastries
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweet caramel icing prevents this Toaster Strudel from headin’ on down to Blandville. Gooey filling and icing. Crispy, flaky, and slightly buttery exterior when toasted properly. Being able to sign your name on a Toaster Strudel with an icing packet.
Cons: Apple filing was light on flavor. Caramel icing has more flavor than the apple filling. Apple filling doesn’t have tiny bits of apple to add a bit more texture. Takes longer to prepare in the toaster than Pop-Tarts. Made with hydrogenated oil.

Limited Edition Pillsbury Caramel Apple Toaster Strudel Closeup

Nutrition Facts: 1 pastry with icing – 170 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 1 gram of polyunsaturated fat, 2 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 170 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 8 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein.

*made with hydrogenated oil which adds a small amount of trans fat.

REVIEW: Special K Nourish Maple Brown Sugar Crunch Hot Cereal

Margaret 10 Comments

Kellogg's Special K Maple Brown Sugar Crunch Nourish Hot Cereal

You may be asking: Why in all the magical golden coins of Super Mario would I want to buy two bowls of portable oatmeal with some mix-ins?

Well, that just brings up a slew of other questions: Why fry a Snickers? Why make your own piñata? Why learn to surf in a pool of whale sharks? Why, in fact, should you do anything? I’ll tell you why: because you are a great human. You want to reach higher. To be all you can be. To walk into work not only with your shoes on the right feet, but with a little kick that says “I am a great human and I am here to change the world.” And how, with a 1:30 bedtime and a 4:30 wake-up call, can you have the consciousness to do that?

Kellogg's Special K Maple Brown Sugar Crunch Nourish Hot Cereal Cup

Breakfast.

Preparing to fully bank on this need for early morning sustenance, Special K’s kicked out this new line of oatmeal so you can microwave a bowl of whole grains in your office, dorm, or as you brush your hair before dashing out the door, spooning mouthfuls as you swerve through the 7:30 traffic, without even grabbing a bowl. And this spurs the next question: Is it worth it?

That depends.

Kellogg's Special K Maple Brown Sugar Crunch Nourish Hot Cereal Closeup

On first glance, I figured there’s nothing revolutionary going on here. It’s just a mushy, but oddly comforting bowl of cooked oats, right? Oh how wrong I was. Underneath the goopy exterior rests an amalgam of grains that stretches the vocabulary of Kansas agriculture: there’s oats, some wheat, barley, and even quinoa, which I appreciate because it has a “Q” in it. Q words are so hard to come by these days.

While there were four grains in there, the sweet, malty oats still stand at the forefront of flavor. I was quite pleased that Special K opted for whole oats rather than the puny chopped up instant ones, which often make me feel underappreciated and begging for more like a character in a Dickens novel.

The accompanying mix-ins include two packets of toasted almonds, which, while a bit flavorless in their unsalted way, serve as quality crunch nubbins, and the separated dual packets of almonds allowed me to plop one segment in the top half of the oatmeal while saving some for the bottom, thus preventing Boring Bottom Half of Oatmeal Syndrome.

Unfortunately, there’s no actual maple syrup involved here. Instead, the oatmeal is swirled with what I imagine are little dehydrated maple crystals that, when looked at under a microscope, might be mistaken for those frightening rhinestones people put on their cell phones that blind you on a sunny day. While the maple bits add a nice smell of maple to the air, the sugar-y-ness of maple is subdued after preparation, but let’s face it: dehydrated maple bits are no substitute for the Grade-B Vermont liquid gold.

Otherwise, this is pretty successful in that straightforward, no frills way, even if there were only two bowls. The almonds stay fresh in their little compartments and the single serving allows me to stuff the bowl in my bag in the morning while running out the door. It can be prepared in the microwave or, if you wanna get fancy, the bowl provides directions for steeping.

As with all microwave oatmeal, you can whip it up with your liquid of choice, be it water, milk, coffee (and excellent choice), or, depending on the time of day and your mood, maple syrup’s best friend: bourbon. If you’re passing by a McDonald’s or keep a slab of pork belly in your employer’s mini fridge (not that I do…), a side of crispy bacon would make an excellent pairing.

As fall whisks its merciless wind through the tethers of my flimsy cardigan, this oatmeal seems perfectly timed. It’s warm, hearty brain food that I can grab on the way out the door. I don’t see myself buying this all the time, but it makes me feel cozy enough to wear footie pajamas to work. In fact, perhaps I will! Tomorrow! If you see me in my footie pajamas on the subway, know that I am not committing an act of defiance. It is merely a symptom of being filled with hot cereal.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 container– 190 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 140 milligrams of sodium, 170 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 5 gram of dietary fiber, 11 grams of sugars, and 8 grams of protein.)

Item: Special K Nourish Maple Brown Sugar Crunch Hot Cereal
Purchased Price: $2.78
Size: 2 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: No frills. Easy to prepare. Big whole oats. Crunchy almonds. Magically dissolving maple-y bits. Slabs of pork belly. The option of preparing with bourbon. Making a piñata. Wearing footie pajamas to work.
Cons: Only 2 bowls. No actual maple syrup. 4:30 wake-up calls. Feeling like a character in a Dickens novel. Endangered “Q” words. Being blinded by cell phone bling.

REVIEW: Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich

Jeff 9 Comments

Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich

Every few months or so, some poor “high-end” food product makes the jump from pretentious to a diluted all-audience nature. It gets filtered through a wood chipper and then a toilet so in the end it no longer resembles the actual item. All this for the sake of mass consumption. Therefore, not only does it lose its pompous aura (which is fine by me), but its unique characteristics as well (which is not okay at all).

Remember Wendy’s bragging about its fries being sprinkled with sea salt? Give me a break if you’re expecting it to be the actual harvested finishing salts chefs preen about.

Kobe beef, with its already dubious nature in what can actually be called Kobe, is another victim. Kobe hot dogs? Kobe hamburgers? My eyes rolled so much that you would swear I had two lazy eyes or was the inspiration for the guy that graces each Mad Libs cover.

Another example is Kobe beef’s less-complicated, but just as maligned, American cousin, the Angus. This poor bastard is being passed around faster than a cotton towel at an orgy. I’m guessing the “certification” for Angus beef is low enough that even Stephen Hawking can jump over it. Okay, that’s a tasteless cheap shot that’s just as tasteless as the Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted.

I commend Dunkin’ Donuts for attempting to separate itself from the pack by using Texas Toast for its sandwiches. The thick bread borders on overindulgence, but is perfect for capturing runny eggs and butter. Some people prefer wheat or pumpernickel, I lust after Texas Toast.

I mean c’mon!!! It’s Texas Toast, steak, eggs and cheese. You know what’s better than sliced bread? Sliced bread with beef, cheese and egg in between it. So what can go wrong? Apparently, if you make a living primarily selling donuts, then a hell of a lot.

Look, I’m a big fan of their Texas Toast Grilled Cheese. Its buttery and flaky toast and melted cheese makes me act like those monkeys in the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich Angus

But stupid me because I was expecting the same from this new sandwich. I opened it immediately to look at this “Angus” steak and it had the natural color of a cadaver stuffed under a house because he didn’t pay his bets on time. It was charmingly grayish and resembled an unsauced Salisbury meatloaf concoction served at all the finest detention centers.

The steak also had an overwhelming artificial smokey taste. The texture itself was flaccid and rubbery, two things I don’t want my meat to feel like. The worst part? The beef was chewy. Not Mentos candy-chewy, but chewy like the bits resting on the bottom of a beef jerky pouch.

Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich Split

Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich Egg

The toast had the dampness of a basement, but it was sufficiently buttered. The two eggs only helped in taking your hopes, smashing them, and then pissing on the remains. The eggs were laughably fake looking, like a Fisher Price plastic fried egg toy. Another thing, it had an unnatural powdery texture and lacked any of the richness an egg normally has. It was also mealy and it disintegrated in my mouth into a sandy mush.

Most things can be saved by melted cheese since it provides an extra boost of flavor and texture, which was sorely missing in this sandwich. Unfortunately, there was so little cheese, all I could taste was fake smoke and a bland egg that broke apart into grainy beads in my mouth. It was like a bad French kiss between bread.

I’ve eaten the McDonald’s Angus burgers, so I know fast food “Angus” can be achieved with some success. But it’s as if Dunkin’ Donuts is the fat kid in gym class looking at the rope their meathead teacher is telling them to climb.

Finally, what really kicked me in the balls was the price — $4.29. I haven’t felt this ripped off since I was conned into buying Viagra from Mexico.

(Nutrition Facts – 620 calories, 34 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 180 milligrams of cholesterol, 1290 milligrams of sodium, 43 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 4 grams of sugar, and 34 grams of protein)

Item: Dunkin’ Donuts Angus Steak Big N’ Toasted Sandwich
Purchased Price: $4.29
Size: N/A
Purchased at: Dunkin’ Donuts
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Texas Toast. Having the option to buy a donut instead. 2001: A Space Odyssey. Sufficiently buttered toast. Soft drinks from Mexico.
Cons: Texas Toast. Artificial smoke flavor. Rubbery grey beef. 2010: The Year We Make Contact. The powdery egg that looks fake. Small amount of cheese. Pharmaceuticals from Mexico.

REVIEW: Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit

Marvo 6 Comments

Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit

Holy (insert here favorite/most used way to express excitement or surprise)!

I imagine that’s what many will think loudly or yell in the middle of Walmart after seeing the Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit on the shelf. I yelled “Holy Tofu” when I saw a picture of them.

Sure, you could head over to the freezer aisle and buy a box of pre-made Klondike Choco Tacos, but there’s no fun in that. With this kit, you can let your inner fattie go crazy like she or he got dropped in the middle of Wonka’s chocolate factory. The box provides you with six chocolate taco shells, chocolate sauce, and colorful sprinkles; you bring the ice cream, whatever ingredients your sugar hungry-head wants, and the giddiness of making your own dessert taco.

I showed restraint and picked up just vanilla ice cream and whipped cream to replicate what’s on the box. However, I do have a second box and every time I think about what nasty things I’m going to do with that second set of chocolate taco shells my teeth and liver gets scared.

Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit Parts

If you do pick up a Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit, you may end up with broken taco shells, much like other reviewers and I did (I ended up with four mostly intact shells). This, I imagine, will make some children cry, but it’s not a complete waste, because you know the old saying, when life gives you broken chocolate taco shells, make chocolate nachos.

I decided to use Häagen-Dazs vanilla ice cream because I thought it would be appropriate to use ice cream that’s not Danish with a taco kit from a company that’s not Mexican. If you have surgeon hands, stuffing ice cream into the taco shell will be easy peasy. If you’re naturally rough when handling delicate things, there’s a good chance you’re eating chocolate nachos, because the shells are quite fragile. An iced tea spoon is an ideal ice cream stuffing utensil to use, if your Rubbermaid utensil organizer happens to have one.

Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit Parts Closeup

Biting into a completed dessert taco is very much like sinking your teeth into s’mores or human flesh–it quickly gets messy. Because of the very fragile chocolate shells and soft filling, one bite causes other parts of the shell to collapse. I estimate these dessert tacos are three or four times messier than eating a Taco Bell Crunchy Taco Supreme, so I’d recommend eating them over a large plate, in a shower, or sneak into a stranger’s house where you don’t have to clean up after yourself.

The chocolate shell’s color is a bit deceiving. With its dark color you might think it’s like eating a Cocoa Pebbles taco shell, but I have some bad news. There’s a sweetness to them, but the chocolate is hard to detect. Although, that’s not surprising since Taco Bell’s Nacho Cheese and Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos also have shells with not much flavor. The dark brown shells also have a slightly stale texture, which seems strange for a product that just hit shelves, and a corn tortilla chip aftertaste.

When you’re making your dessert taco and squeezing out chocolate sauce from its packet, I recommend following the same instructions you’d find on a bottle of sunscreen–apply liberally. Doing so will help you not notice the corn chip aftertaste too often. As for the candy sprinkles, they give the dessert tacos color, texture, and partially hydrogenated oil.

A constructed Taco Bell Chocolate Taco mostly works. The taco shell’s crunch combined with the cool and creamy ice cream, gooey chocolate sauce, and airy whipped cream creates waves of textures. The chocolate taco shell could’ve used a bit more cocoa flavoring, but that one shortcoming can be hidden by adding a bit more chocolate sauce or stuffing the shell with an ice cream that’s a bit more exciting than vanilla.

Overall, I liked the Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit, even though, to be honest, the chocolate taco shells are the only thing special about it. It was fun to make and the end result was satisfying…and messy…but slightly more satisfying than messy.

Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Jonathan for sending me two Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kits and one Taco Bell Cinnamon Nachos Dessert Kit. I really appreciate it. Well, my teeth and liver don’t, but all the other body parts do.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/6 package with 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream and 2 Tbsp whipped cream – 260 calories, 110 calories from fat, 12 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat*, 35 milligrams of cholesterol, 85 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 24 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.)

*made with partially hydrogenated oils

Item: Taco Bell Chocolate Taco Dessert Kit
Purchased Price: $2.50
Size: 5.82 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Makes a decent dessert taco. The excitement of coming up with your own dessert taco idea. Enough sprinkles and chocolate sauce to apply liberally to six tacos. Chocolate sauce helps taco shell’s shortcoming. The different ingredients creates waves of textures. Being optimistic and making chocolate nachos when life gives your broken chocolate taco shells.
Cons: Taco shells are fragile and you may end up with broken ones after opening the kit. Messy to eat. The chocolate taco shells are the only thing special about the kit. Taco shell has a corn tortilla chip aftertaste and could use a bit more cocoa flavoring. A bit difficult to stuff shells with ice cream without the right utensils.