Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Burger King Donut Holes

Margaret 5 Comments

BK Doughnut Holes

I’ve developed a few personal rules about breakfast:

Don’t mix orange juice with coffee.

Don’t put grapefruit in the omelette.

Don’t put broccoli in the chocolate ice cream.

If you want a donut, get one.

The last of these, while the seemingly simplest of the bunch, is not always easy. When the craving for a rotund chunk of fried dough strikes, there’s no stopping it, but, in a city where the only fresh-made Krispy Kreme is in an underground cement “garden” and the price of artisan donuts could empty the bank, it’s easy to find yourself stranded in lower Manhattan without a reasonably priced fried dough option in sight…but what’s this?! Burger King offering me instant puffs of fried dough?

Look at that receipt

It proposed such unknown…and yet such happiness. And are we to deny ourselves potential happiness for fear of the unknown? Nay, dear readers! We are not chicken-bellied fools! We boldly go forth and pursue happiness!

Doughnut hole secret identity

It may be a Whopper box, but you can’t fool me!

Pully-aparty donuts

You donuts and your secret identities.

I take a bite and, ahhh, yes, warm donut holes. Or rather, doughy, cube-like shapes. Nothing scary at all. At the same time, nothing too spectacular. On first bite, the dough is warm and a bit chewy, the glaze sticky and sugary. This is a yeast dough, to be sure, somewhat reminiscent of the cross between a grocery store donut and a brioche roll.

However, this joyous experience is time-sensitive. Give these suckers two minutes and the dough takes on taste and texture of a frozen Pillsbury dinner roll that’s been put in the microwave a few seconds. The eating process gets to be a bit of a calisthenic session for the jaw.

The glaze was simple enough, tasting mostly of sugar, sugar, and sugar, a one-note satisfaction to which I’m especially keen on, although I wouldn’t have argued if a little vanilla or cinnamon showed up in there. Both in the warm and cool phases, the glaze remained sticky. I was hoping this sugary patina may dry and crackle along the edges like a Krispy Kreme, but it remained shiny and thin as the wax on a 1957 Ferrari Testa Rossa at a car show.

Sad piece of dry dough

One of the more frustrating qualities of fast food restaurants is the 10:30 breakfast shutdown. Oh, the days that have passed where my 4:30 p.m. sausage biscuit craving is left unfulfilled! Luckily, BK put these donut holes on their all-day menu, so, if the craving hits, you can trust BK will be there with your yeast rolls and sugar.

But, overall, I don’t think I’m up to buying these again. Maybe it was the weather or the lunch rush, but the dry dough and thin glaze didn’t fill the empty donut pocket in my soul. If you really, really need a glazed fix or enjoy microwaved dough, these are an acceptable stand-in, but I would recommend the grocery store Krispy Kreme first.

(Nutrition Facts – 5 donut holes – 280 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 300 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugars, and 4 grams of protein.)

Other Burger King Donut Holes reviews:
Brand Eating
Man Reviews Food
Serious Eats

Item: Burger King Donut Holes
Purchased Price: $1.40
Size: 5 donut holes
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: Available any time of day. Sweet glaze. A good idea. Nice portion.
Cons: Dry. Tastes of microwaved dinner roll. Tough to chew. Weak glaze. Grapefruit in an omelette. Low Krispy Kremes population in Manhattan

REVIEW: Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins

Drew 8 Comments

Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins

Of all my shortcomings as a writer, one of the more noticeable tics is a tendency to bury the lede. If not for the numerical rating at the top, you could read three or four paragraphs into most of my reviews without having any idea whether I actually liked the product, and who has time to indulge a rambling narcissist for that long? Not you, you’re a busy person. Things to do, foods to try! So allow me to cut to the chase:

I had to buy a second box of these Wheat Thins because my family and I ate the first one before I had finished the review, and also just because I wanted to. That almost never happens, even when I really like the food. So there you go.

Now that we’ve gotten the metaphorical first kiss out of the way, we can move on to the rest of our evening. Let’s be candid: in terms of thrilling or exotic foods, crackers rank somewhere between canned tuna and oatmeal. No movie has ever featured a box of Saltines in a steamy seduction scene. Scarlett Johansson could not make crackers sexy. There’s a reason why it’s the preferred terminology for boring white guys like myself.

And even in that dubious company, Wheat Thins are not what you think of as the cutting edge, kick-ass cracker brand. Triscuits, maybe. Cheez-Its? Hell, those em-effers are crazy. But Wheat Thins? They’re what your parents put out as an appetizer before dinner. (Confidential to mom and dad: I still love them! But mostly when sandwiching pepperoni and cheese slices.) So when you hear Wheat Thins is putting out a chili cheese flavor, you scoff and think, “Targeted at who, retirement communities? 8-year-old girls? The Amish? Get real, Wheat Thins.”

And then you take a bite just to be indulgent and it’s like that Chappelle Show sketch where Charlie Murphy plays Prince in a game of pick-up basketball, and the only thing you can say after your first bite is, “Game… blouses.”

I’m serious — by cracker standards, these are really good. They aren’t going to immolate your tongue or make steam shoot out your ears like a 1930s cartoon. But you WILL taste some heat, especially in the crackers at the top of the box. (I noticed the chili flavor starting to get less intense around the middle of the package.) Yes, a Texan would probably pour oil and rattlesnake venom on these and call them breakfast cereal, but for the rest of us, the heat is enough to keep you interested.

In terms of the cheese, it’s definitely overshadowed by the chili. Which is not to say it’s bad — there’s a coating on every cracker that’s probably mostly chili powder, but I would guess also includes cheese dust. It’s just not especially noticeable unless you’re really concentrating, and even then… enh. Not bad, but you’re getting these for the chili, not the cheese. As for the texture, I know it’s incredible to believe but they remain, in fact, Wheat Thins. Same as it ever was.

So there you go: I said at the very beginning that these were great crackers that I willingly bought another box of, and here I am reiterating it. If you’re in a position to pick these up, you should definitely jump on it. That said, I am still going to take points off for unironic use of the word “kickin'” on the back of the box. Because at the end of the day, you are still Wheat Thins. Own that.

(Nutrition Facts – 15 pieces – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 3 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 95 milligrams of potassium, 21 grams of total carbohydrates, 3 grams of dietary fiber, 3 grams of sugars, and 2 grams of protein.)

Other Chili Cheese Wheat Thins reviews:
Junk Food Guy

Item: Nabisco Chili Cheese Wheat Thins
Purchased Price: $2.99 (on sale)
Size: 9 oz. box
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Putting stereotypes to rest. Brings some heat to the party. Would probably be great sandwiching some Swiss cheese. Not too bad for you. Game… blouses.
Cons: Could stand a little more cheese flavoring to keep up with the chili. tl;dr. “Kickin'” is a very cracker thing to say. Taking shots at the Amish is so 1996.

REVIEW: Green Giant Sea Salt Mulitgrain Sweet Potato Chips & Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips

Adam 4 Comments

Green Giant Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips and Green Giant Sea Salt Mulitgrain Sweet Potato Chips

When I think of the most influential food and beverage spokespersons, the Jolly Green Giant falls somewhere between a mild-mannered if not over-the-hill personality like the Quaker Oats guy and…wait..was that the bad guy in Jack and the Beanstalk?

Needless to say, the Jolly Green Giant’s effectiveness in introducing children to the merits of a high-fiber, omnivorous diet have been negligible. I guess he lacks a certain je ne sais quoi. But it’s not all his fault. The Jolly Green Giant just doesn’t have as much to work with.

Even so, you can’t blame it all on frozen peas alone. It’s not like his image inspires confidence. I mean, if the diet he’s pushing means sprouting into a nine-foot tall, green freak of nature whose wardrobe consist only of a toga made out of leafs, then I am never, never eating anything natural again. I tend to think most kids with a vegetable aversion would feel the same.

The new Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips and Sea Salt Multigrain Sweet Potato Chips are the Jolly Green Giant’s attempts to make kids (and adults) eat their veggies. Neither, as of yet, has a taco named in honor of them, and judging from their only ho-hum taste, I think we’re safe from a Green Giant/Taco Bell collaboration for now.

Not that either flavor is horrible. One’s actually pretty good.

Green Giant Sea Salt Mulitgrain Sweet Potato Chips Closeup

First up is the Sea Salt Sweet Potato chips, which have a Sun Chip feel going for them, minus the typical Sun Chips ridges. They have a decent sweet potato flavor – less flavor than Utz’s Sweet Potato Chips but more than Garden of Eatin’s Sweet Potato Tortilla chips — and get a thumbs up for a non-cloying whole grain sweetness. But while the initial flavor is mellow and wholesome, there’s something off-putting on the backend.

At first, after shoving a bunch of the chips in my mouth, I didn’t notice it. But for a few of the apparently more under-seasoned chips there is definitely an almost hempy whole grain aftertaste that’s bitter and a little repulsive. Thankfully it didn’t seem to linger too long, but I can’t see it doing much for parents trying to get their kids to like vegetables. In any case, the chips are undersalted as a batch, and don’t take advantage of the kind of spices that make the luxurious, but useful sweet potatoes the Ferrari of the vegetable world. (By the way, turnips are the Ford Windstar minivan of the vegetable world.)

Green Giant Zesty Cheddar Roased Veggie Tortilla Chips Closeup

The Zesty Cheddar Roasted Vegetable Chips are better. Instead of looking like Sun Chips, these have an almost Doritos-like quality to them, complete with a chemical-lab inspiring orange hue of seasoning powder that, thanks to their lickable quality and my habit of multitasking, has now made its way into every crevasse of my computer’s keyboard.

The price I pay for you people.

The crunch is a bit lighter than Doritos, but the seasoning powder gives the chip a tasty spectrum of sweet, salty, and a complex roasted flavor that reminds me a bit of Garden Salsa Sun Chips. It’s none too piquant, but I didn’t exactly expect that. I did enjoy the caramelized and hearty back notes that seemed to mirror the taste one might get from a long-simmered tortilla soup. The only downside is that long list of ingredients, which contains two separate references to partially hydrogenated oil, still doesn’t add enough of a noticeable cheddar flavor.

Even though the Sweet Potato Chips weren’t horrible and the Roasted Vegetable Chips were pretty good, I can’t see the chips doing much for the Green Giant’s street cred. I mean sure, eating them will dispel the myth that you yourself could end up a nine-foot tall chlorophyll-addict, but the flavors just don’t stack up when compared to Sun Chips or Doritos. So unless the Jolly Green Giant has got a backup plan for ice cream or pizza, then I don’t think the cause of converting kids to vegetables will be advancing very far under his guidance anytime soon.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 ounce – Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips – 140 calories, 60 calories from fat, 7 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams polyunsaturated fat, 3.5 grams monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein. Multigrain Sweet Potato with Sea Salt – 140 calories, 50 calories from fat, 6 grams of fat, 0.5 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.)

Other Green Giant Chip reviews:
I Ate A Pie

Item: Green Giant Sea Salt Mulitgrain Sweet Potato Chips & Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla Chips
Purchased Price: $2.50 (on sale)
Size: 5 oz. bags
Purchased at: Weis Markets
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Sweet Potato Multigrain with Sea Salt)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Zesty Cheddar Roasted Veggie Tortilla)
Pros: 30-40 percent less fat than standard potato chips. Whole grains and vegetables. Multigrain Sweet Potato chips have decent sweet potato flavor. Roasted Veggie chips actually taste like roasted veggies but look like Doritos. Not getting my hopes up to inevitably be let down by a taco flavor inspired by the chips.
Cons: Weird, hempy aftertaste in the Sweet Potato chips. Needs more salt. Roasted Veggies chips lack hearty crunch. Partially hydrogenated oils. Not as good as Doritos or Sun Chips.

REVIEW LIGHTNING ROUND – Häagen-Dazs Bourbon Pecan Praline, Simple Orange with Banana, & Atkins Farmhouse-Style Sausage Scramble

Marvo

Here are some quick reviews of new-ish products we’re too lazy to write full reviews for:

Ha?agen-Dazs Bourbon Pecan Praline

Item: Ha?agen-Dazs Bourbon Pecan Praline Ice Cream
Purchased Price: $3.50 (on sale)
Size: 14 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It tastes like I could get drunk from it. Bourbon ice cream had a wonderful flavor that went well with the buttery and sweet praline pecans. Decent amount of crunchy pralines pecans. No bourbon burn, which would be weird with an ice cream. Didn’t get drunk from it.
Cons: At times, the combo of bourbon ice cream with brown sugar bourbon swirl was a bit cloying. Bourbon not listed in ingredients. Limited edition. Didn’t get drunk from it, but I did find myself making out with the container, so maybe I did.
Nutrition Facts: 1/2 cup – 280 calories, 150 calories from fat, 17 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 75 milligrams of cholesterol, 80 milligrams of sodium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 25 grams of sugar, and 4 grams of protein.
Other reviews: Matt Hearts Ice Cream

Simple Orange with Banana

Item: Simple Orange Juice with Banana
Purchased Price: $3.99
Size: 58 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: A pleasant orange juice variation. Slight banana flavor complements the orange juice. Good source of potassium. Orange juice not from concentrate. Provides 100 percent of our vitamin C.
Cons: Has only 10 milligrams more potassium than regular Simply Orange. Barely noticeable banana aroma. I wish it had a bit more banana flavor. Doesn’t come in a huge jug I can do curls with to build my biceps.
Nutrition Facts: 8 fl oz. – 120 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 460 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 25 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein.

Atkins Day Break Farmhouse-Style Sausage Scramble

Item: Atkins Day Break Farmhouse-Style Sausage Scramble
Purchased Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 7 oz.
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Decent flavor. Sausage has a pleasant mild flavor. Looks like a lot of food before being microwaved. Makes my kitchen smell like bell peppers. Lots of sausage. Surprisingly, non-dried out eggs have flavor. Awesome source of protein. 5 grams of Atkins Net Carbs for you Atkins dieteers.
Cons: Everything shrinking dramatically after being microwaved. Some eggs were dried out. Cheese not noticeable. Awesome source of saturated fat. Pricey.
Nutrition Facts: 370 calories, 260 calories from fat, 29 grams of fat, 11 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 400 milligrams of cholesterol, 1030 milligrams of sodium, 6 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 22 grams of protein, 20% vitamin A, 20% calcium, 35% vitamin C, and 10% iron.

REVIEW: Magnum Gold?! and Magnum Mini Gold?! Ice Cream Bars

Kelley 19 Comments

Magnum Gold Box

Let’s play the word association game.

What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word “Magnum”? One of my friends said “guns”, but he’s from Texas, so that doesn’t count. Magnum P.I. would also be an acceptable answer, if you’re over the age of 30 or just have an appreciation of fine mustaches.

My first thought, because I am a perv, was, of course, “condoms for guys with giant penises”. Can you really blame me? Their whole marketing campaign is all about pleasure and indulgence. Magnum is easily the sexiest ice cream bar company around, if anyone was giving out awards for “Sexiest Ice Cream Bar”, which might be an awards show I’d actually watch.

I’m not talking about Magnums in general, though – I’m talking about Magnum Gold?!

As you’ve probably gathered by now, I didn’t just have an attack of surprise and disbelief, there – that interrobang was all Magnum’s doing. I checked their website. Time and time again, that ?! was present but unaddressed. It was like Magnum thought this was a perfectly normal punctuation to throw on a product name. Did nobody explain to Magnum what an interrobang indicates?!

Magnum describes their Gold?! Ice Cream Bar as “Silky vanilla bean ice cream swirled with sea salt caramel and covered in a golden coating made with Belgian Milk Chocolate.”

There is, of course, no actual gold in Magnum Gold?! ice cream bars. However, I was disappointed by the lack of shiny allure in the gold coating. It barely glimmered at all?! I’ve seen enough cake decorating shows to know that there’s edible gold out there that is shiny enough to attract raccoons from a half mile away. This was not that gold. This was more of a dull sheen.

Magnum Gold Ice Cream Bar Coating

The gold-covered milk chocolate shell tasted pretty high-quality – I’d put it at about Dove chocolate status. I’m glad the chocolate was so tasty, because there sure was a lot of it – too much, in fact. The shell was so thick it took a bit of effort to break through it, and the thickness seemed to cause excessive breakage. I guess I’d rather get a gold stain on my shirt than a chocolate stain?!

Magnum Gold Ice Cream Bar Inside

The vanilla ice cream was indeed smooth, and you could see the vanilla bean flecks in it. It played well with the chocolate shell, which is pretty much stating the obvious. Since when haven’t vanilla and chocolate gone well together?!

Unfortunately, the main feature of Magnum Gold?! (besides the Gold?! coating, of course), the sea salt caramel, was not strong enough to stand up to the richness of the chocolate shell. I could definitely see the caramel swirls, but I only got one or two bites where I could distinctly taste its flavor. Even then, the caramel flavor was pedestrian. There was nothing to distinguish it as sea salt caramel as opposed to just regular ol’ caramel?!

Magnum Mini Gold Box

Magnum Gold?! has a little brother known as Magnum Mini Gold?! I was hoping maybe the smaller version would have a thinner shell, but Mini Gold?! shared all the characteristics, good and bad, of its bigger version. The main difference was that Mini Gold?! didn’t come in a fancy gold foil wrapper, which, by the way, is about the most annoying thing in the universe to try to photograph.

Magnum Gold and Magnum Mini Gold Ice Cream Bars

Fun fact, I got a Magnum Mini Gold?! that had the “M” on the hand-side of the stick instead of “Magnum”. I thought this was just part of being a Mini, but the rest of them had “Magnum” with the heart symbol on it showing, just like the larger version. Ice cream bar blooper reel!

I’ve tried other Magnum Ice Cream Bar flavors before, and have found them to be almost too rich and decadent. While they have their shortcomings, Magnum Gold?! Ice Cream Bars, on the other hand, have a nice balance of sweet and rich, which is funny because it’s called Gold?! Get it?!

Disclosure: The author received free Magnum Gold?! and Magnum Mini Gold?! Ice Cream Bars samples from Unilever. She also received a treasure chest with a bottle of Moet & Chandon Imperial Champagne.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – Magnum Gold?! Ice Cream Bar – 290 calories, 20 grams of total fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 24 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 8% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 4% iron. Magnum Mini Gold?! Ice Cream Bar – 170 calories, 12 grams of total fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 40 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of total carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 14 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 6% calcium, and 2% iron.)

Other Magnum Gold?! and Magnum Mini Gold?! reviews:
On Second Scoop
Brand Eating

Item: Magnum Gold?! and Magnum Mini Gold?! Ice Cream Bars
Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 3 bars (Magnum Gold?!)
Size: 6 bars (Magnum Mini Gold?!)
Purchased at: Received from Magnum
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Quality chocolate shell. Smooth vanilla bean ice cream. Being able to eat gold. Random, unexplained interrobangs. Not overwhelmingly rich like other Magnum bars. Ice cream bar blooper reels.
Cons: Chocolate shell was too thick. Caramel was too faint and not sea-salty. Random, unexplained interrobangs. Chocolate was overwhelming other flavors. I can’t stop thinking about penises when I see the word “Magnum”.