Category: Reviews

REVIEW: Van Leeuwen Limited Edition Glass Onion Ice Cream

Jenna 5 Comments

“I think it tastes like a garlic bagel with cream cheese,” whispered the conspiratorial cashier as I purchased my pint of Van Leeuwen’s new limited edition Glass Onion ice cream. Fittingly for a mystery film tie-in, this ice cream is a mystery flavor, but the genre that was more on my mind was horror. Rest assured, though, that this flavor’s name is not a red herring — it assaults you with an overwhelming odor of onion as soon as you peel open the pint.

Pushing onwards to investigate the scene of what some might call a food crime, I noted the ice cream base seemed to be vanilla, streaked with a viscous dark brown swirl. Before my first spoonful even made it to my mouth, I was impressed by its soft-but-not-airy, velvety-but-not-heavy texture that hinted at high quality.

If I had to sum the taste up in one word (other than “HUH?”), it would be “complex.” The foremost flavor was undeniably — and unsurprisingly — the prominent and dominant onion, which seemed to originate from the gooey, gluey swirl and was potent with a faintly acrid aftertaste that was welcome amidst the decadent vanilla’s silky sweetness. I couldn’t quite pinpoint the rest of the swirl’s unusual (or onionusual) taste, but it seemed to have notes of both sweet and savory, which made me guess that it involved sea salt caramel. I was genuinely shocked and delighted when, after I’d finally gotten acclimated to this strange but also strangely addictive flavor, a scoop of what had been heretofore smooth suddenly also included a brittle chunk of… something.

I’m betting that this mysterious mix-in was intentionally hidden deeper in the pint to add an element of surprise. I detected some sugariness and crispiness that made me think of honeycomb, and also made me eager to find another of these pieces. But as my ice cream rapidly melted, I encountered no more of the cryptic crispies, only a series of increasingly oversaturated patches of swirl that tasted like straight-up onion powder, but with odd, extremely intense notes of tartness and acidity that reminded me of balsamic vinegar. Once the vanilla ice cream had become too soupy to be an adequate counterbalance, the omnipresent onion just became overpoweringly gross. On that low note, I headed to Google so I could more thoroughly curse the culprit behind this fetid frenzy of flavors.

It turns out that this is vanilla ice cream with Greek yogurt, bourbon caramelized onion jam, and – yes!!!! – crystallized honeycomb candy (I guess I just got an extremely sparse batch). Like any satisfying mystery, the clues are all clear in hindsight: I can see now how the Greek yogurt was what provided that inexplicable tartness, while the swirl’s ambiguous flavor profile and consistency do, in retrospect, seem quite jammy, and hey, I at least get some partial credit for picking up on an element of caramel, right?

I’d like to end this review by quoting another beloved piece of cinema: Shrek, where the metaphor “Onions have layers” is used to remind us that even weird things are always more nuanced than they appear. Much like onions (and ogres), Glass Onion ice cream certainly does have layers, but I can understand why some might not want to experience them. Now that I’ve cracked the case, I can’t see any reason to ever revisit this product myself. Hopefully the movie fares better!

Purchased Price: $10.50
Size: 14 oz
Purchased at: Van Leeuwen
Rating: 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2/3 cup) 250 calories, 14 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 160 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 24 grams of sugar (including 18 grams of added sugar), and 4 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Spicy Nacho and Cool Ranch Jalapeno Doritos Dips

Vin 9 Comments

I’m sure by now you’ve all seen TikTok’s hottest new dance craze, the Dorito Dip.

What’s that? You haven’t? That’s probably because I just made it up.

Here’s something you won’t believe I’m not making up – Frito Lay makes Doritos-flavored dips now.

Do you love Doritos but wish they came in a wetter and gloopier form? Have you ever wanted a chip to taste like a Dorito, but inexplicably just didn’t get Doritos? Then you’re in luck because new Spicy Nacho and Cool Ranch Jalapeno Doritos Dips are hitting shelves nationwide.

I don’t know if I’ve ever actually dipped a Dorito, but you better believe I wanna dip stuff into the essence of Dorito… so that’s exactly what I did.

My dippers of the day were Santitas Tortilla Chips (underrated chips that someone once told me are literally repackaged unflavored Doritos), ridged potato chips, a soft pretzel, and Chicken McNuggets.

Starting off, Cool Ranch Jalapeno was only decent, and I actually liked it more for the addition of the jalapeno.

I didn’t necessarily think they’d be able to match the absolute perfection of Cool Ranch Doritos flavor, but I still needed more. It’s there, but the intensity is dialed down a ton. While the jalapeno gives it a nice crisp and spicy pepper flavor, the Cool Ranch takes a back seat. This flavor needs to be a dusty coating. It just doesn’t work as well as a sour creamy base.

To be fair, it still tasted pretty good with the Santitas and the soft pretzel, but it’s probably not even better than your run-of-the-mill ranch or onion-style dip.

As for Spicy Nacho, well, it just doesn’t need to exist. If I were to rank Spicy Nacho on the Dip Scale™, I’d put it slightly above the dip from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

It’s no better than a mid-tier queso or nacho cheese. Fine, but whatever. I had to concentrate to get the distinct Nacho Cheese Dorito flavor that really only popped on the finish and was masked by the “spicy” of it all. Push comes to shove, you’ll know it’s based on Spicy Nacho Dorito, but it pales in comparison to the chip.

It’s not a bad pretzel companion, but it just didn’t enhance any of the other stuff. Santitas worked fine enough with both, but plain potato chips were a bust, and every McNugget dipping sauce works better.

Dorito flavor only succeeds as a dust. I’d steer clear of these unless you’re having a big spread and looking to pick up a couple of dips anyway. Just get the Cool Ranch and opt for a queso. Frito-Lay has a better Tostitos-branded one right down the aisle.

These don’t mention refrigeration after opening and are apparently shelf-stable for six months. Maybe I’m a wuss, but I find that pretty off-putting, just as I found the texture to be that of an off pudding. Wordplay.

These feel like they were dumped on shelves with no fanfare or marketing, and maybe for good reason. They’re a strange release at a strange time of year. They probably coulda done okay in the summer, but during Christmas? We’ll see how far the Doritos name takes them. I don’t think they’ll fly off shelves, but it’s not too late to try and move some units with the soon-to-be viral Dorito Dip.

Purchased Price: $4.98 each
Size: 10 oz.
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: (Spicy Nacho) 4 out of 10, (Cool Ranch Jalapeno) 6 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (2 tbsp) Spicy Nacho – 40 calories, 3 grams of fat, .5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 220 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein. Cool Ranch Jalapeno – 50 calories, 5 grams of fat, .5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 1 gram of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.

REVIEW: Mtn Dew Energy Pitch Black

Marvo 1 Comment

NOTE: Mtn Dew Energy Pitch Black will be released in January 2023. Thanks to Mtn Dew for sending samples.

Mtn Dew Energy Pitch Black’s can SCREAMS Halloween. The purple and black colors bring witches and nighttime to mind, the green makes me think of monsters and zombies, and the white letters could represent ghosts, mummies, or the white void of nothingness that should scare us all.

But you’re probably reading this around its release in January 2023, so it’s past All Hallows Eve. However, the original Mountain Dew Pitch Black soda had a history with the holiday. It debuted during the 2004 Halloween season, and a sequel came out a year after.

While Mtn Dew Energy Pitch Black has nothing to do with Halloween, it does have a lot of caffeeine. Like others in the Mtn Dew Energy line, a can has 180 milligrams of the good stuff and ingredients that help support your immune system and give you a mental boost.

This energy drink is riding on the return of Mtn Dew Pitch Black and the introduction of Pitch Black Zero Sugar, both of which I reviewed earlier. In that review, I wrote that the zero sugar one tastes like a watered down version of the original and that I love the flavor of Pitch Black so much that I can’t get over the taste compromises that were made. But this Mtn Dew Energy flavor is much better tasting than the Zero Sugar version, and it accomplishes that with just four grams of sugar. There are hints of artificial sweeteners in it, but they’re less noticeable, probably thanks to the addition of fruit juice. It has enough of the original Pitch Black’s grape flavor and sugariness that I could see myself picking this up instead of the regular soda when I want a larger caffeine kick that’s almost twice as much as the sodas.

Despite the can describing the flavor as a “dark citrus punch,” it tastes like the grape Pitch Black from almost two decades ago. I don’t care how Mtn Dew describes it. It tastes like the original to me.

In my review of Mtn Dew Energy Code Red, I wrote that it might be my favorite in the energy drink line, but it will have to move over because this is now my favorite. I hope it never disappears. Or if it does, I hope Mtn Dew brings it back for Halloween.

DISCLOSURE: I received a free product sample from Mtn Dew. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 16 fl oz can
Purchased at: Received from Mtn Dew
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (1 can) 25 calories, 0 grams of fat, 170 milligrams of sodium, 5 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of sugar (including 0 grams of added sugar), and 0 grams of protein.

REVIEW: Mtn Dew Pitch Black (2023) and Mtn Dew Pitch Black Zero Sugar

Marvo 17 Comments

NOTE: Mtn Dew Pitch Black and the Zero Sugar version will be released in January 2023. Thanks to Mtn Dew for sending samples.

Mountain Dew Pitch Black made its debut in 2004, a time before Mountain Dew lost most of its vowels to become Mtn Dew, which I assume happened because it drank a sugary soda and didn’t brush those vowels after. While Mtn Dew’s name got shorter on bottles and cans, Pitch Black’s description has gotten slightly longer. While the original was a Dew with a blast of black grape, this latest version describes itself as having a blast of dark citrus punch flavor.

Wait. What?

I have so many questions now. What the heck is dark citrus and why does it sound like something that would cause me to lose hit points in an RPG? Why doesn’t Mtn Dew say this is dark grape flavored? What is it hiding? Is it a dark secret? Is that dark secret hiding in a dark cave? Is it Batman? But I guess the most important question is: Does this Mtn Dew Pitch Black taste the same as Mountain Dew Pitch Black?

Yes, and it’s confusing that Mtn Dew is trying to push it as a “dark citrus punch” because when I drink it, all I can think of is grape Pitch Black. To be honest, despite it being one of my favorite Dew flavors of all time (Pitch Black I, not Pitch Black II), I kind of forgot what it smells and tastes like since it’s been so long. But all those memories came (pardon my use of this verb, Mtn Dew) blasting back with the first sniff and sip. Along with those memories came a bit of frustration that this flavor doesn’t come back as often as it should or isn’t permanent because it’s as delightful as I remember.

But Mtn Dew has not only brought back the beloved Pitch Black, it has also spawned a Zero Sugar version. It smells like the original and its flavor hits all the right grape-y notes, but it tastes like a somewhat watered-down version of the original with an artificial sweetener chaser. It’s fine, but I like regular Pitch Black so much that I feel it’s hard for me to accept the taste compromises that the zero sugar version has. There are other Zero Sugar Dew flavors that I don’t mind over the full sugar version, but this is not one of them.

I’m so happy Pitch Black is back, although I’m a little sad it’s no longer attached to Halloween. Enjoy it before it ends up back in the Mtn Dew vault, which I assume is in a dark cave in a dew flower-covered mountain that also contains whatever dark secret Mtn Dew is hiding.

DISCLOSURE: I received free product samples from Mtn Dew. Doing so did not influence my review.

Purchased Price: FREE
Size: 20 oz bottles
Purchased at: Received from Mtn Dew
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Original), 6 out of 10 (Zero Sugar)
Nutrition Facts: (20 oz bottle) Original – 280 calories, 0 grams of fat, 95 milligrams of sodium, 75 grams of carbohydrates, 75 grams of sugar, (including 75 grams of added sugar), 0 grams of protein, and 91 milligrams of caffeine. Zero Sugar – 0 calories, 0 grams of fat, 85 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 91 milligrams of caffeine.

REVIEW: White Chocolate Strawberry Shake M&M’s

Jenna 3 Comments

I must admit that my relationship with these new White Chocolate Strawberry Shake M&M’s – whose rosy, heart-filled packaging seems tailor-made for Valentine’s Day – began with a bit of a shock. In my state of simultaneous and equally intense hunger and excitement, I may have forgotten to actually look closely at the bag, which clearly shows the three M&M colors that less impatient consumers can expect, before ripping it open. So I was baffled to see a sea of green in addition to the more strawberry-centric reds and pinks.

Of course, I’d already spent a not-insignificant portion of my own green to secure this bag (this flavor doesn’t seem to be widely available yet, so in my eagerness to review, I purchased – and, sure, overpaid for – these from a third-party seller on Walmart.com), so a little confusing coloration wasn’t going to deter me. Plus, I guess you could argue that the green represents the stem of the strawberry? Alternatively, maybe it was just an excuse to get that glamorous green M&M mascot on the packaging, and that’s fair!

Anyway, the aforementioned frenzied bag tearing released a welcome cloud of sweet smells into my room, appropriately strawberry-y but with a strongly saccharine underlying note that seemed ever so slightly artificial, a tell-tale sign of white chocolate’s presence. I reached into the generously filled bag to start my taste test and was immediately amused that the size and shape seemed to vary for each individual piece, from “normal M&M that just put on some weight during the holidays” to “Noticeably Larger and Chunkier” to “DOWNRIGHT SPHERICAL.”

So, how do these sometimes mysteriously colored, pleasantly fragrant, and appealingly rotund M&M’s actually taste? Anyone fearing that the “White Chocolate Strawberry Milkshake” name was just a ploy to re-release an old flavor under a fresher title (2016’s White Strawberry Shortcake might come to mind) can rest assured that they actually live up to the moniker quite well.

The “milkshake” element promises a creaminess that is certainly delivered, with the white chocolate providing a lovely, rich, just-short-of-being-too-sweet base for the strawberry flavor, a mellow, floral fruitiness that is identifiable but not overpowering. Sure, this means that the general taste skews a tad more milkshake than it does strawberry, but with my (some might say controversial) love of white chocolate, that wasn’t a problem for me. I can see others begging to differ, but hey, we’re here on a blog that reviews junk food, not fruit! I particularly enjoyed the texture too – you know that oddly satisfying snap when you break through an M&M’s candy shell and sink your teeth into the smooth, rich chocolate within? Since these are so hefty, that moment is gloriously amplified.

The recommended serving size is 16 pieces, and if all my praise-singing thus far isn’t enough of a testament to how tasty they are, I should also let you know that in the course of reviewing I consumed significantly more than that without even realizing. Pringles talks a big game with its “Once you pop, you can’t stop,” but I think these are addictive enough to merit their own rhymey slogan too. “Once you M&M, you won’t condemn”? … Okay, it’s a work in progress. One I won’t mind brainstorming over just a few more handfuls!

Purchased Price: $6.25
Size: 7.44 oz bag
Purchased at: Walmart.com
Rating: 9 out of 10
Nutrition Facts: (16 pieces) 140 calories, 7 grams of fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, less than 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbohydrates, 18 grams of sugar, and 1 gram of protein.