REVIEW: California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Frozen Personal Pizza

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California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Crispy Thin Crust

The Hawaiian pizza sounds like the result of a love story that happened in the 19th century between an Italian explorer and a Hawaiian princess who couldn’t be together due to her family’s disapproval, but before heading out to sea to return to his home country, the Italian explorer showed his love for her and how he would remember her forever by baking a pizza that combined Italian ingredients (cheese, sauce, and ham) with a local Hawaiian ingredient (pineapples) for their last meal together.

But, alas, that’s not how the Hawaiian pizza was invented. Instead, it was created in 1962 by a couple of canucks in Ontario.

It may be called the Hawaiian pizza, but, to be honest, most Hawaii residents don’t order it even though it’s offered by the major pizza chains and a few local restaurants. I guess we find the idea of having pineapples on pizza as disgusting as most of the country. I know it might be disappointing to hear that people from Hawaii don’t like the Hawaiian pizza, but you can just included that on your list of things you didn’t know about Hawaii…and here’s more.

No one lives in grass huts. The state motto is Ua Mau ke Ea o ka ʻĀina i ka Pono, which means, “The life of the land is perpetuated in righteousness.” The Victoria’s Secret store in Hawaii doesn’t sell coconut bras. It does snow in Hawaii. Hawaii residents don’t drink Mai Tais. The beach water in Waikiki is warm because of all the tourist kids who pee in it.

Okay, that last one isn’t true.

But, as for most Hawaii residents not eating Hawaiian pizzas, that’s true. Although, I did eat the California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe personal pizza for this review. Also, there were a couple of times at a Pizza Hut buffet that I had to eat their Hawaiian pizza because they were all out of the others.

California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Crispy Thin Crust Before

The California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe personal pizza is made up of a crispy thin crust, tomato sauce, reduced fat mozzarella cheese, hickory smoked ham, and, of course, pineapple.

The packaging looks like a mini version of their larger frozen pizzas, which is probably a cheerful upgrade from the old packinging for these personal CPK pizzas when they were called “California Pizza Kitchen Pizza For One.” The older boxes had emblazoned on the front, in a large font, “For One,” which I imagine was depressing for some single people, and for others, a way to let people know they were available.

California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Crispy Thin Crust After

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve had Hawaiian pizza in the past. However, I should mention that I don’t find them utterly disgusting. I just think they’re a little weird because of the use of pineapples, but overall they’re decent tasting. With that said, I thought the flavor of the California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe personal pizza was disappointing for a Hawaiian pizza. While the pineapples are definitely noticeable, even though I didn’t have many chunks on the pizza I bought, the other ingredients fell flat. The sauce and cheese were bland, and the ham didn’t provide much flavor to compliment the pineapples. But the crust did end up crispy, thanks to the included cooking tray.

Yay! Cooking tray!

If for some strange reason you really like Hawaiian pizzas, I’d stay away from the California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Frozen Personal Pizza because you’ll probably be disappointed. But if you’re single, putting it in your shopping basket will let everyone know you’re available.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pizza – 370 calories, 110 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 25 milligrams of cholesterol, 720 milligrams of sodium, 46 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 19 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 30% calcium, 8% vitamin C, and 8% iron.)

Item: California Pizza Kitchen Hawaiian Recipe Frozen Personal Pizza
Price: $3.99
Size: 6.2 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable pineapple flavor. Crust was crispy. Good source of calcium. Good way to let people know you’re available.
Cons: Trans fat. Bland cheese and sauce. Ham lacked any flavor. Not a lot of pineapple chunks. Ending up in a particularly warm section of water at a beach. Bad way to let people know you’re lonely. Hawaiian pizza not the result of forbidden love. Wearing a coconut bra.

REVIEW: Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper

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Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper

I tried. I really tried. But, I think it’s impossible to overdose on whole grains. I picked up as many products with whole grains as I could, which were all over the place. No, seriously. If I were to piss blindfolded in a grocery store, it’s hard not to hit a product that has whole grains.

In one day, I ate a bowl of Froot Loops made with whole grain, consumed a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with whole wheat bread, snacked on Tostitos tortilla chips made with whole grain, inhaled a plate of pasta with whole grain noodles, chomped on whole grain Wheat Thins and ate a hearty serving of Betty Crocker’s new Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper.

That’s easily 100 grams of whole grain, which is twice the recommended 48 grams of whole grain one should eat daily. Whatever happened to “too much of a good thing can be bad”? I’ve eaten enough prunes in one sitting to know the effects of having too much of a good thing. If it had been 100 grams of cocaine, I’d be dead, unless I was Keith Richards. With that many grams of whole grain, I though I would at least have hallucinations of grain fields or giant spiders trying to eat me.

You know what? Maybe I didn’t try hard enough. I could’ve had more whole grains if I had brunch, linner, and Taco Bell’s Fourthmeal. That would’ve taken me to around 175 grams of whole grain. Or even better, I could’ve hung out near the feederhouse or cylinder of a combine grain harvester. I would’ve easily gotten 1,000 grams of whole grain. Or maybe I should’ve eaten the entire skillet I prepared of Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper, which would’ve given me 80 grams of whole grain.

Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper Closeup

Although, I don’t know whether I could eat the entire skillet, because Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper looks weird. It’s like staring at Renee Zellwegger without any makeup on or me with a drag queen’s-worth of makeup on. It looks unappetizing and drab, like something that would be served in a Siberian prison for kids.

I blame the bronzed 100 percent whole grain elbow macaroni for making this Whole Grain Hamburger Helper look weird, and for giving the dish a grainy texture. Although, the grainy texture was expected since the whole grain noodles I had earlier, during my attempt to OD on whole grains, had the same texture.

But it’s not only the bronzed elbow macaroni that brings this Hamburger Helper down, it’s also the cheesy sauce, which wasn’t very cheesy. Some bites I took didn’t have any cheese flavor, and instead all I could taste was the ground beef I added. If I just wanted to taste the ground beef, I would’ve made myself a hamburger without the helper.

The Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper may sound like a healthier Hamburger Helper, but there really isn’t anything healthier about it beyond the whole grain pasta. Okay, it also has 240 milligrams less sodium than regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper, but it has the same amount of calories, saturated fat and trans fat as the regular version.

If you’re desperate to get whole grains, I guess it could be an option, but again, there are many other ways to get whole grains. To find out, just go to your favorite grocery store, blindfold yourself, pull down your pants, and pee.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup prepared – 310 calories, 120 calories from fat, 13 grams of fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 670 milligrams of sodium, 24 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 23 grams of protein, 4% vitamin A, 10% calcium, and 10% iron.)

Item: Betty Crocker Cheeseburger Macaroni Whole Grain Hamburger Helper
Price: $2.29
Size: 4.8 ounces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Easy to prepare. Provides 16 grams of whole grain per serving. Less sodium than regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper. Cheap meal. Good source of protein. No artificial flavors or preservatives.
Cons: Looks like something that would be served in a Siberian prison for kids. Not very cheesy. Grainy texture of macaroni. Same amount of calories, saturated fat and trans fat as regular Cheeseburger Macaroni Hamburger Helper. Elbow macaroni looks like it’s been hanging out by the pool with George Hamilton. Eating too many prunes.

REVIEW: Rockstar PINK and Rockstar 2X Energy Drinks

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Rockstar Pink Rockstar 2X

I’m a big coffee guy, and I can probably pass for an extra in a zombie movie when I don’t get my caffeine throughout the day. Recently, though, I’ve been trying to quit drinking so much coffee, not because I think I’m addicted (I am) or my teeth are getting too stained (they are), but because I now work on the 11th floor and the fresh-brewed coffee is on the 8th floor. I always take the stairs because I hate being that person who ruins someone’s otherwise stop-less elevator ride, but after three flights of stairs I’m always embarrassingly out of breath. I should probably get into better shape or just take the elevator, but instead I’m going to find a suitable coffee replacement.

Luckily, Rockstar has released two new products that could potentially fit the bill. Rockstar PINK is being marketed towards women, and Rockstar 2X is being marketed towards me and any other incredibly over-caffeinated people for whom 250 mg of caffeine seems appealing.

The first thing everyone notices about Rockstar PINK is that it comes with an attached straw. Including a straw with your pink drink for women seems hilariously, over-the-top sexist, but from my research (read: talking to some coworkers), everyone–women, men, children–love drinking from straws. How often do you have a bad straw-drinking experience? Juice boxes, milkshakes, and fruity cocktails, all awesome, all drunk with straws. Rockstar should just include straws with all their products.

Rockstar PINK is supposed to taste like pink lemonade, but I found it to be more like lemon-lime with a hint of strawberry, as though someone had dissolved a strawberry Starburst in a can of Sprite. It was a pretty enjoyable flavor and there was the right amount of sweetness. Unfortunately, the presence of the artificial sweetener became much more pronounced during the aftertaste. I generally don’t drink diet products, so I’m sure someone who is used to Sucralose would find the aftertaste much less bothersome than I did.

Additionally, I was pleasantly surprised when I read the label. PINK only contains 10 calories, and the ingredients list actually includes some items I can pronounce. Granted, “sweet potato juice extract,” “black carrot juice concentrate,” and “elderberry extract concentrate” don’t exactly scream health-consciousness, nor are they in the first half of the ingredients list, but I guess it’s still better than nothing. All things considered, PINK was pretty good, and I think it’s potentially a viable coffee replacement if I can get used to the aftertaste.

Moving on to the next drink, I’m sad to report that the Rockstar 2X does NOT include a straw. And once I became aware that the absence of a straw was somehow an indication of my gendered-ness, I considered drinking the 2X in the manliest way possible: by chugging the whole thing, crushing the can against my skull, and chucking it halfway across a football field, all the while carrying a bale of hay and rocking an awe-inspiring beard. Unfortunately, I couldn’t wait the two years it would take me to grow some half-decent facial hair, so I just drank it as a regular, unencumbered-by-gender-expectations person would.

That turned out to be a good decision, because if I had chugged the whole can I probably would’ve vomited. It tasted like one part regular Rockstar (which I like), one part cough syrup, and fourteen parts artificial sweetener. Again, I usually don’t use artificial sweetener, and I suppose some people could really like the taste of cough syrup. Some of you might end up genuinely enjoying the taste of 2X, but I couldn’t drink more than a couple gulps, even with the promise of 250 mg of caffeine and only 15 calories.

Rockstar Pink Rockstar 2X in glasses

The color was also rather unappetizing. While regular Rockstar is similar in complexion to ginger ale and PINK is just a bit too bright for comfort, 2X is so radioactively yellow that I imagine it’s what Peter Parker’s piss would’ve looked like had he been particularly dehydrated the morning after getting bitten by that irradiated spider.

I should mention that less than half a can managed to keep me properly caffeinated for the entire morning. Rockstar 2X saved me from being out of breath after three flights of stairs today, but given its unpalatable taste and lack of a straw, I think I’ll just take the elevator tomorrow.

(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – Rockstar PINK – 10 calories, 60 milligrams of sodium, 0 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B5, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B9, 100% vitamin B12, 2% calcium, 100 milligrams of taurine and 120 milligrams of caffeine. Rockstar 2X – 15 calories, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 1 gram of sugar, 15 milligrams of sodium, 200% vitamin B2, 100% vitamin B3, 100% vitamin B5, 100% vitamin B6, 100% vitamin B9, 100% vitamin B12, 100 milligrams of taurine, 250 milligrams of caffeine, 100 milligrams of panax ginseng extract, 100 milligrams of L-Arginine, 25 milligrams of L-Carnitine, 25 milligrams of inositol and 25 milligrams of guarana seed extract.)

Other Rockstar PINK and Rockstar 2X reviews:
Energy Fiend: Rockstar PINK & Rockstar 2X
Caffeine-A-Holic: Rockstar PINK & Rockstar 2X

Item: Rockstar PINK and Rockstar 2X Energy Drinks
Price: $1.99 each
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at:Shaw’s
Rating: 7 out of 10 (PINK)
Rating: 3 out of 10 (2X)
Pros: Low calorie. PINK has a pleasant taste. 2X has tons of caffeine (250 mg), PINK has a decent amount (120 mg), both for a relatively cheap price. PINK has some natural-sounding ingredients. Straws and any drinks that come with straws. Awe-inspiring beards.
Cons: PINK has a disagreeable aftertaste. 2X just tastes bad in general. 2X has a really weird color. Hilarious over-the-top sexism. My intolerance of artificial sweeteners. Being the guy who interrupts a previously stop-less elevator ride. My inability to grow facial hair. Spiderman’s radioactive piss. Being out of breath after climbing three flights of stairs.

REVIEW: Amy’s Light & Lean (Soft Taco Fiesta and Pasta & Veggie)

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Amy's Light & Lean (Soft Taco Fiesta and Pasta & Veggies)

January needs to be re-named “National Feel-Bad-About-What-You’ve-Done-To-Your-Body-The-Past-90-Days Month.” With all the commercials for Zumba, The Lap-Band, free gym membership trials, and conveniently-placed banner ads referring you to the “Top 10 Best Ways to Bust Your Booty,” it’s a wonder we don’t all suddenly gain 120 pounds from guilt and start rolling ourselves down the street to work each day. Why do we engage in this bizarre ritual of kidding ourselves every year when all anyone wants to do is eat yummy food and feel convinced that if they ran into Tom Hardy on the way to the Laundromat with their filthy socks and scads of unmentionables piled in a basket and their baggy, faded sweatpants on, he’d still give them the sexy-eye because daaaamn, they look good?

To combat the inevitable struggle of many of those hoping to shed pounds, the Amy’s team has done a pretty great job here, translating these normally fattening foods into the language of diet organic cuisine. Filling out the roster of new items: Spinach Lasagna, Black Bean & Cheese Enchilada, Pasta & Veggies, and Soft Taco Fiesta.

Amy's Light & Lean Soft Taco Fiesta Bowl

I went for the Soft Taco Fiesta first because I’d just bought a piñata and needed a reason to bust it open. No, I’m lying. I didn’t need a reason.

The colors used for the soft taco’s packaging are pretty muted for something that’s supposed to evoke a wild food party. The design is more circa 1990 Southwest Adobe-style retiree living room, and I felt more like taking a siesta than having a fiesta. WOCKA-WOCKA-WOCKA! No? Go to hell.

I have to say that once cooked, the contents of the bowl look pretty N-to-the-Asty. But, you see, this soft taco contraption is more like a taco pie without the crust than a street taco. The corn tortilla is layered between a mound of mild salsa with black beans and cheese and a bed of nicely-seasoned brown rice, corn, and vegetables. As a result, the tortilla isn’t necessarily firm, but it could be a lot worse. It doesn’t disintegrate under the weight of the sauce and seasonings. The ranchero salsa flavor is spicy, but not overpowering, and mingles nicely with the tomatillo blend. The result is a dish that has plenty of flavor and barely any of the sogginess one comes to expect from nuked Mexican food.

Amy's Light & Lean Pasta & Veggies Bowl

The Pasta & Veggies bowl is another convincing re-design of a popular ethnic food – thick, hearty sauce and grated parmesan cheese accompany a pretty filling bowl of rotini, crunchy asparagus, broccoli florets, and shallots, for fewer calories. Similar to the somewhat-robust tortilla in the Fiesta bowl, the noodles retain a nice texture and come out, as the Italians say, al dente. That’s right. I just got all Rosetta Stone on that azz. Another plus: there doesn’t appear to be any excess water at the bottom of the bowl after cooking, which tends to happen a lot with frozen pasta meals.

The ultra-literal name isn’t really something I can get behind, since it’s clearly pasta marinara in there… but, hey, if slapping the word “Veggies” on the box in order to align with the company mission statement – creating healthy, organic, vegetarian meals by any means necessary or something like that – helps you sleep at night, then go for it, Amy’s.

Though it also suffers from the same yawn-worthy pastel color scheme that turned my awesome personal taco party into a sober and mature taco observance, the Pasta & Veggie bowl’s flavor is kick-ass. I was shocked – SHOCKED to actually taste the parmesan cheese. So many of these so-called “diet” items really skimp on important accents such as cheese, but the Pasta & Veggies meal delivered. It tasted like the real thing, not some limp, flavorless imitation.

If National Freak-Out Month (January) is gonna be tough for you because you inhaled a metric shit-ton of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and mini Snickers bars in October, followed by plates and plates of cornbread stuffing and mashed potatoes coated in gravy in November, and then topped it all off with frosted Snowman cookies, latkes and gallons of egg nog in December, don’t throw yourself under the Little Debbie snack cake delivery truck just yet. There is hope, little plump one. Delicious hope.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl/227 grams – Soft Taco Fiesta – 220 calories, 40 calories from fat, 4.5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 560 milligrams of sodium, 40 grams of carbohydrates, 5 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 7 grams of protein. Pasta & Veggies – 210 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 470 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar and 10 grams of protein.)

Item: Amy’s Light & Lean (Soft Taco Fiesta and Pasta & Veggie)
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Vons
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Soft Taco Fiesta)
Rating: 9 out of 10 (Pasta & Veggie Bowl)
Pros: Tastes like the real thing. Tom Hardy. Low-fat/low-cal. Piñatas. Fozzie Bear.
Cons: Looking like a hot mess on laundry day. “Veggie.” Grandma’s condo in Santa Fe. The Lap Band.

REVIEW: Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger

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Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse

Children have such innocent minds, and those minds ask silly, but innocent questions, like:

Does chocolate milk come from a brown cow?

Why is the word “dictionary” in the dictionary?

Does daddy like to drive a car with no top because daddy has no top on his head?

Another silly question a child might ask a parent is: To make the new Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse burger, do they make the cows eat jalapenos and cheese?

If a child asks a parent that, it’s the responsibility of the parent to set them straight and tell them that pieces of jalapenos and small chunks of cheddar cheese are added later to the ground beef. However, if a child turns the question into a statement, he or she might be eating glue.

Stuffing a burger patty with ingredients that are usually on top of it isn’t something Burger King came up with first, although they are the first of the fast food giants to do so.

Almost exactly two years ago, Burger King released the Angry Whopper for a limited time. When I reviewed it back then, I was disappointed to discover it wasn’t as angry as I hoped. I would consider it having a level of anger that could easily be controlled with taking a timeout or deep breathing exercises.

However, the Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse is definitely angrier than the Angry Whopper, but not drunk Mel Gibson talking on the phone to his girlfriend angry. It’s angry enough that I think it might need to take anger management classes or a low dose of prescription drugs.

Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Patty

The jalapeno pieces in the burger patty aren’t the only ingredients that make the Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse spicy hot; it’s also the creamy poblano sauce, which tastes like a spicy thousand island salad dressing. These spicy ingredients not only brought the heat, but they also gave it a flavor that I think makes it tastier than any other BK Steakhouse burger I’ve tried. Although, in my eyes, that’s not hard to do, since I think other Steakhouse burgers are quite bland.

Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Split

The Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse has the same lettuce, tomatoes and bun as the regular Steakhouse, so I’ll only spend these 26 words on them. Surprisingly, the thick burger patty didn’t turn out as dry as I thought it would be. Perhaps my slightly juicy burger turned out the way it did because of the liquid from the jalapenos, or maybe the Burger King I went to has a flame-broiling master.

As for the cheddar stuffed in the ground beef, it does add to the flavor of the burger, but the spicy ingredients are definitely the screaming children trying to gain your attention. I’m just glad they didn’t go all Pizza Hut on this burger and stuff the cheese into the bun.

Oh great, I probably gave Burger King another idea. I hope if Burger King does come up with a Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse with a stuffed bun, it’s as good as the regular Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 burger – 590 calories, 34 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 2 grams of trans fat, 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,240 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Burger King Jalapeno & Cheddar BK Stuffed Steakhouse Burger
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 sandwich
Purchased at: Burger King
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Nice heat from jalapeno and poblano sauce. Tastiest of the Steakhouse burgers. Poblano sauce tastes like a spicy thousand island dressing. Stuffing jalapenos in burger patty and not under the bun means no falling jalapeno slices. Surprisingly slightly juicy burger patty.
Cons: Probably not good to eat daily, or every other day. Lame iceberg lettuce. Buying a convertible to make up for balding. Eating glue. Mel Gibson drunk dialing.

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