REVIEW: Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced

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Slim Jim Tabasco Beef Jerky

I love Slim Jims. I love beef jerky. I also love Tabasco sauce. These things said, reviewing Slim Jim’s Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced was a no-brainer for me.

I’m rather finicky about my beef jerky. Growing up, my dad used to get beef jerky from the Meat Shop around the corner. Not a butcher shop, not “Big John’s Meat Shop,” just Meat Shop. Located in a dingy strip mall, sandwiched between a liquor store and a laundromat, you know Meat Shop was quality.

The beef jerky from Meat Shop was perfectly seasoned and perfectly peppered. You could chew it as long as a piece of Fruit Stripe, but it wasn’t tough or gristly. It was magical beef jerky. Then one day, Meat Shop went out of business. Even as a child, I had an old woman’s resistance to change. I remember getting unreasonably upset when the Lucky’s grocery store down the street changed into an Albertson’s. I was ten years old at the time; I didn’t even go grocery shopping. But the sign change alone was enough to send me into tantrums and tears. Okay, maybe it wasn’t that bad, but you get the point.

Ever since Meat Shop closed, I’ve been chasing the jerky dragon. Jack Link’s didn’t satisfy. Pemmican’s made me want to give their racist Injun mascot a comfy blanket infected with smallpox. Oberto’s had me saying “Oh Noes” instead of “Oh Boy!” I could go on, but I’ve already stretched the joke too thin.

It seems like anyone over the age of 17 finds it gauche to say they like Slim Jims. There’s a good reason for that – they are greasy, salty, and you can tell it’s the epitome of unhealthy food from a hundred feet away. Don’t tell that to Macho Man Randy Savage though; he’ll yell at you to snap into one until you go deaf. Mr. Savage aside, let’s be real, here: if you’re eating something that contains mechanically-separated chicken and sodium nitrite, you are either young and foolish or old and self-destructive. Guess which category I fall under.

Beef jerky is actually a little more healthy, and it’s more acceptable to eat in public, especially if you are on a road trip rolling in a 1965 Sunbeam Tiger Mk1. If there’s not at least one pouch of beef jerky and one bag of sunflower seeds bought at a truck stop convenience store during your road trip, you’re doing it wrong. Slim Jim’s beef jerky doesn’t taste like a Slim Jim, but that’s fine, as I’m sure that wasn’t their intention. Slim Jim is just the name that gets the jerky out there.

As for the Tabasco, it’s definitely prominent; even just opening up the pouch, you are hit with that familiar smell of capsaicin and vinegar. The hot sauce does indeed spice up the beef jerky, as promised in the name of the product. The spice builds up as you eat each piece, culminating in a burn coating the inside of your mouth that would be unacceptable to sissies but just hot enough to satisfy someone who douses their eggs in Tabasco. You can also strongly taste the vinegar, which I enjoyed, but I think others may not like their beef jerky having a vinegar flavor to it.

Slim Jim Beef Jerky Tabasco 2

As for the texture, it’s hit-and-miss. The smaller, thinner pieces are soft and juicy, causing a pleasant burst of saliva as you chew. The larger pieces are too tough and dry, resulting in Beef Jerky Sore Jaw Syndrome. I hate BJSJS. Unfortunately, my bag was mostly full of big pieces that broke off into jerky splinters rather than breaking down into a flavorful jerky chew.

While Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced delivered on the Tabasco flavor, that may be a double-edged sword, as the hot sauce’s signature burst of vinegar flavor may be a turn-off for some jerky lovers. I would actually like to see a jerky spiced with chipotle Tabasco; the chipotle version tones down the vinegar and delivers a great smoky flavor that I think would work much better with beef jerky. The small pieces were spot-on in flavor and texture, but the big pieces were dry and difficult to chew, and it’s disappointing that my bag was almost all big pieces.

If Slim Jim could refine their jerky-making process to avoid BJSJS, I’d be much more of a fan of Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced. As it stands, I enjoyed the flavor, but the good pieces were too few and far between. Maybe the next time I see this product, I’ll take the time to be a total jerk (hurrr) in the store and spend ten minutes trying to find a bag with more of the small pieces.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package/51 grams) — 150 calories, 25 calories from fat, 2.5 grams of total fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 810 milligrams of sodium, 10 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, 21 grams of protein and 20% iron.)

Item: Slim Jim Premium Beef Jerky Tabasco Spiced
Price: $1.99
Size: 1.8 oz.
Purchased at: Circle K
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Strong, authentic Tabasco flavor. Road trips in cool cars. Small pieces were juicy and delicious. “Meat Shop.” Nice spicy burn. Macho Man Randy Savage.
Cons: Mostly big pieces, which were tough and dry. BJSJS. Vinegar taste may be off-putting to some. Change of any kind. Serious lack of the small, tasty pieces.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes

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Kellogg's Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes

For years, I thought Corn Flakes were made from rejected Frosted Flakes that weren’t sweet enough. I later found out that was not the case since Corn Flakes predates Frosted Flakes by about 50 years. But when I learned that, it made me wonder if Frosted Flakes were just rejected Corn Flakes that were too awesome.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, because Corn Flakes are almost flavorless, they’re the breakfast cereal equivalent of water. The cereal has been around for over 100 years, but to be honest, I’m not sure anyone has been eating them for the past 25 years. I certainly haven’t.

Whenever I go through the cereal aisle, I swear the Corn Flakes boxes are the only ones that seem as if they haven’t been touched. It looks like a Jenga puzzle that no one wants to face for fear of knocking all the other boxes down.

Ever since I became a big boy and began shopping on my own, I’ve never seen anyone purchase a box of Corn Flakes. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the boxes currently on shelves expired sometime in the late 1990s. I would find out, but that would involve me pulling a box from the shelf, which could cause all the other boxes to fall and make everyone in the aisle yell “Jenga” at me.

But someone must be purchasing boxes of Corn Flakes, either for feeding birds or so that they’ll have something cheap to donate that will allow them to say they participated in their company’s food drive.

Kellogg's Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes 2

Maybe I’ll eat some Corn Flakes for nostalgia’s sake, or maybe I’ll just eat Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes and say close enough. Because I can eat through a box of Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes, but I can’t do the same with regular Corn Flakes. It would be wasting Corn Flakes, since I haven’t successfully donated an opened box of cereal to a food drive.

I do think Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes is a tasty step up from regular Corn Flakes. However, it’s best eaten dry instead of with milk. Just like milk has the ability to tone down the effects of spicy food, it also can subdue the cereal’s cinnamon flavor.

Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes has a modest name. It really should be christened Thank Goodness Cinnamon Makes Corn Flakes Tolerable Corn Flakes. Not all the flakes are sprinkled with cinnamon, but there’s enough to make Corn Flakes taste less like an Amazon.com shipping box.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/1.1 ounces – 120 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 210 milligrams of sodium, 45 milligrams of potassium, 27 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 20 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein and a variety of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Kellogg’s Simply Cinnamon Corn Flakes
Price: $4.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: A tasty step up from regular Corn Flakes. Fat free. Contains vitamins and minerals. Corn Flakes are great for donating to food drives. Great when eaten dry. Doesn’t taste like an Amazon.com shipping box. Frosted Flakes. Buying stuff from Amazon.com.
Cons: Regular Corn Flakes. Cinnamon flavor is subdued in milk. Not all the flakes are sprinkled with cinnamon. Does get soggy quickly. Causing a mess at the grocery store and then having “Jenga” yelled at you. Food banks not accepting opened boxes.

REVIEW: Jamba All Natural Smoothies (Strawberries Wild, Razzmatazz & Mango-a-go-go)

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Jamba All Natural Smoothies

I believe I have some pretty good smoothie-making skills.

Give me a blender, some fruit, a cup of soy milk, a spoonful of yogurt, a few ice cubes and a dancehall reggae beat, and I’ll create a refreshing smoothie that will make lady bits tingle. Although, I like using strawberries in my smoothies, so the tingling could also be the result of an allergic reaction.

My smoothies are so delicioso that people who taste them don’t call it a smoothie, they call it a smmm…mmm…ooooh…ooooh….th…whee. Although, again, because I use strawberries often in my smoothie recipes, some people might be saying it that way because their tongues are swollen.

It’s taken me months to develop my kick ass smoothie-making skills, so I find it upsetting that the Jamba All Natural Smoothie Kits attempt to turn any Joe Schmoe into a smoothie maestro. While they are easy to make, can the flavor of these smoothie kits make my lady bits tingle?

The Jamba All Natural Smoothie Kits come in three varieties based on classic Jamba Juice flavors:

Strawberries Wild – Strawberry and Banana with Non-Fat Yogurt
Razzmatazz – Strawberry, Raspberry and Blueberry with Non-Fat Yogurt
Mango-a-go-go – Mango and Pineapple with Non-Fat Yogurt.

Jamba All Natural Smoothies 2Unfortunately, the kits don’t come with all the ingredients found in the versions that are blended at Jamba Juice locations. For example, the Razzmatazz pouch doesn’t contain the orange sherbet that the store-blended version has and the Mango-a-go-go doesn’t come with the opportunity for me to use my porn name, Steele Rockrod, when the cashier asks for a name to go with the order.

To make a smoothie from this kit, I just blended the contents of the pouch with eight ounces of apple juice. When everything was blended, I ended up with a 16-ounce serving that provided two servings of fruit.

All three varieties had consistencies similar to real Jamba Juice smoothies, but none of them made my lady bits tingle. Strawberries Wild and Razzmatazz were decent, but with both varieties the apple juice was the dominate flavor, and having to pick out seeds between my teeth was a problem. However, neither was an issue with the Mango-a-go-go and its combination of mango and pineapple was delicioso, but, again, it too didn’t make my lady bits tingle like my own smoothies do.

If on sale, a Jamba All Natural Smoothie Kit is cheaper than a Jamba Juice smoothie made in one of their brightly colored shops. It’s also better for you because it has less sugar. However, you can probably make a cheaper, healthier and better tasting smoothie, if you have excellent smoothie making skills, like mine.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 pouch/8 ounces prepared – Strawberries Wild – 110 calories, 05 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C and 4% calcium. Razzmatazz – 110 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 14 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 10 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 100% vitamin C, 4% calcium and 2% iron. Mango-a-go-go – 120 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 1 gram of protein, 8% vitamin A, 100% vitamin C and 4% calcium.)

Item: Jamba All Natural Smoothies (Strawberries Wild, Razzmatazz & Mango-a-go-go)
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Strawberries Wild)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Razzmatazz)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Mango-a-go-go)
Pros: Easy to make. Mango-a-go-go was delicioso. Strawberries Wild and Razzmatazz were decent. Provides 100% vitamin C per serving. Provides a serving a fruit per eight ounces. Less sugar than Jamba Juice shop smoothies. My smoothie making skills.
Cons: Didn’t make my lady bits tingle. Strawberry allergies. Apple juice overpowering other flavors. Getting seeds stuck between my teeth. Not having excellent smoothie making skills.

REVIEW: Kleenex Hand Towels

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Kleenex Hand Towels

A hand towel in the bathroom at a big house dinner party gives me an idea of what it would be like to participate in a gangbang. You’re sticking a body part in something that’s wet and has been used by many other people during the past two hours.

While I’m willing to break the five-second rule when it comes to food that I’ve dropped onto the floor and I may let the party host’s dog make out with me instead of using a napkin, I won’t use a hand towel at a party. I don’t mean to go all Dateline NBC on you, but a hand towel at a party is also a party…for germs.

Usually, if I need to dry my hands, I’ll either walk through the house like a doctor prepped for surgery to get a napkin or paper towel or I’ll shake my hands vigorously as if I’m a puppeteer making his puppets dance to death metal.

However, when the next dinner party rolls around, I may just bring a box of Kleenex Hand Towels with me.

If you’ve ever been sick or you’re a male who has masturbated, you’re probably very familiar with the Kleenex brand. But, you might not know they make more than that, unless you have the Kleenex website in your web browser’s bookmarks to keep up to date with the latest in booger trapping technology.

The Kleenex Hand Towels are individual paper towels that come out of a box and work the same as all Kleenex boxes — pull one out and the next one is ready for another person. If inks, dyes and fragrances bother you, your sensitive skin won’t have to worry about any of that with the Kleenex Hand Towels. The 9.1 inch square towels are small when compared with other paper towels, but they’re softer than the stuff you find in a public restroom, and they’re more absorbent. Unlike most public restroom paper towels, I needed only one Kleenex Hand Towel to dry my hands.

Sure, it’s just paper towels from a box and a roll of paper towels is significantly cheaper, but have you ever tried tearing off a sheet from a paper towel roll with two wet hands, trying not to get any other sheets wet. I don’t know about you, but when I try it, I look like I’m attempting to bring back a dance from the 1990s. I think the convenience and ease of use are worth a little extra scratch for your guests.

Kleenex Hand Towels In Use

While the Kleenex Hand Towels are soft and absorbent, the box they come in is a little more impressive. The shape of the box allows you to place it on top of a towel rack, creating a convenient dispenser in case you don’t have much room on your bathroom countertop due to a prescription drug addiction or a toothpaste variety addiction.

Item: Kleenex Hand Towels
Price: $2.99
Size: 60 towels
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Very absorbent. More hygienic than a communal hand towel. Great for having in the bathroom at parties. Convenient box that can be placed on a towel rack to save counter space, but not towel rack space. Ink, dye and fragrance-free. Softer than paper towels found in a public restroom.
Cons: Might be pricey for some. Smaller than most paper towels. A communal hand towel being like a gangbang. Dances from the 1990s. Breaking the five-second rule. Making out with a dog instead of using a napkin. Prescription drug addictions. Toothpaste variety addictions.

REVIEW: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes

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Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes

Imagine a world without Cinnabon.

Walking through the malls of America would be less odoriferous. There wouldn’t be anything sweet to cleanse the nasal palate with to get rid of the old person smell wafting from Sears, the youthful scents seeping out of Abercrombie & Fitch, the testosterone pouring out of GNC and the smell of death coming from Radio Shack.

A world without Cinnabon would also be a world without the recent influx of Cinnabon-branded products, like Cinnabon Snack Bars, Cinnabon Cereal, Cinnabon Lip Balm and these Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes.

Oh, what a world that would be!

If you’re expecting these Cinnabon-branded pancakes to taste anything close to Cinnabon’s shopping mall-famous cinnamon rolls, you will be disappointed, like I am whenever I’m told I can’t sit on Santa’s lap at the mall because “I’m a grown man” or because “It looks like I have crabs because I scratch myself in the neither region too much.”

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Naked

While there’s cinnamon baked into each four-inch pancake and spots of white frosting injected into the breakfast disk, they do nothing to make it taste like the cloyingly sweet cinnamon rolls. The cinnamon, which isn’t Cinnabon’s Makara Cinnamon, is noticeable and allows the pancake to be eaten without syrup. But when syrup is added, the cinnamon is easily covered up. As for the frosting, it was like a stripper on stage; I could see it, but couldn’t taste it.

Even though I’m not impressed with the Original Cinnabon Pancakes, I did come up with a way to make them better — turn them into breakfast sandwich buns, a la McGriddles.

Kellogg's Original Cinnabon Pancakes Taco

However, I couldn’t find at my local Safeway a large breakfast sausage patty that would fit nicely in between two of these pancakes. I thought about asking a stock clerk for help, but they were all men and I thought it would be weird asking them if they had bigger sausages.

So instead I bought smaller breakfast patties, microwaved them, cut them in half, tessellated the halves on top of a microwaved pancake and then folded the pancake over to create a breakfast taco that had the right balance of sweet and salty.

Yeah! Suck it, Bobby Flay! The secret ingredient iz deez nutz!

I’m sorry about that unnecessary outburst. I’m just surprised I came up with a breakfast dish that’s slightly more complicated than my last great breakfast idea, which just involved mixing Cocoa Puffs with Cocoa Pebbles and pouring chocolate soy milk over it. And it’s been awhile since I’ve used the phrase “deez nutz” in a review.

Overall, the Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes were mediocre frozen pancakes. The cinnamon flavor was decent, but I really wish I could taste the frosting that was also injected into it. They’re also quite thin, making them easy to cut through and to fold over to create a pancake taco shell, but not really filling for a grown man.

They almost make me wish for a world without Cinnabon.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 pancakes – 270 calories, 70 calories from fat, 8 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 480 milligrams of sodium, 50 milligrams of potassium, 45 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, 28 grams of other carbohydrates, 5 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)
Item: Kellogg’s Original Cinnabon Pancakes
Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 12 pancakes
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Noticeable cinnamon flavor. Can be prepared in either the microwave or oven. Makes an great breakfast sandwich bun or breakfast taco shell. Contains eight vitamins and minerals. A world without Cinnabon.
Cons: Doesn’t taste like anything from Cinnabon. Injected frosting isn’t noticeable. The term “injected frosting.” Too thin to be satisfying for a grown man. A grown man not being able to sit on Santa’s lap. Syrup kills cinnamon flavor. A world without Cinnabon.

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