REVIEW: TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo

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TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo

Welcome to my first non-food-related review! In this post, I’ll be putting chemicals into my hair instead of my stomach.

I happened to notice TRESemme’s new Fresh Start line via a commercial that caught my attention due to several lines that were said about the product. To give you a bit of context, the point of Fresh Start products is to make your hair look like you washed it when you really haven’t. We’ve all had those days – your groggy brain hits the “off” button instead of “sleep” on your alarm clock, and something in your brain tells you to wake up ten minutes before you’re supposed to be at work. You race around frantically, culling your list of usual morning rituals down to deodorant, teeth-brushing and making sure you don’t make the classic nightmare scenario of going to work with no pants on a reality. The whole shower thing is out of the question; at this point you’re just trying to get to work on time before you get fired for excessive tardiness. Perhaps you should invest in a Clocky.

According to the commercial, women are deeply ashamed of second-day hair. They will swathe themselves in scarves and hang their heads in shame. I have never had anyone comment on my second-day hair, probably because a.) nobody notices or cares, b.) everyone has done it at some point, and c.) most people know that that would be intrusive and rude. Also, instead of hanging my head in shame, I’d probably just say “fuck you, I woke up late”, and that would be that.

But TRESemme obviously feels differently about this. So they created a dry shampoo for your “going hobo” days (as it is referred to in my household). According to them, “Fresh Start dry shampoo for oily and straight hair uses a mineral clay and citrus formula that removes oil and odor while injecting volume…getting refreshed, full-bodied hair has never been so simple.” They also go on to say that you can get “salon healthy hair on the days you skip without the salon price.” This sentence confuses me. Are they implying that most women go to the salon every day before work? That is crazy. The only women who would possibly do that are incredibly rich and don’t have to be anywhere to begin with. TRESemme, you crazy.

TRESemme offers products for both oily, straight hair and curly, dry hair. I chose the former because I am an oily motherfucker. I feel odd describing my hair in such detail on the Internet, but I suppose it’s necessary for the context of this review. My hair is straight and has been long enough to reach my waist for almost my entire life. I used to live 20 minutes from the Pacific Ocean, and the humidity brought out my natural oiliness so much that I really couldn’t afford to go hobo, because my hair was greasy within 24 hours of washing. Then I moved to the desert, and my oil levels seem to have gone down to “normal people” levels, so I can go a day without washing my hair, but that’s about it.

Oh, and I also have never used products on my hair, my hair is not dyed, and I let my hair air-dry every day, so it’s pretty much a blank slate on which to experiment. Most guys probably take more time doing their hair than I do.

I was intrigued by this product, so I decided to see how well it actually works. I decided to perform an experiment: how many days, if any, could I get away with JUST using Fresh Start Dry Shampoo? How long would it work? Would all my hair fall out? I will now answer these questions by documenting my process. I have devised a 0-10 system, 0 being “fresh out of the shower” and 10 being “I have the flu and have been bedbound for two weeks with no bathing”. Let’s get started.

Day One
Before shampoo oily/dirty factor: 2
After shampoo oily/dirty factor: Uh…2?

I want to interject something before I even say anything else: DO NOT USE TRESEMME FRESH START DRY SHAMPOO IF YOU ARE AN ASTHMATIC OR HAVE ANY PULMINARY ISSUES. Read on to see why, if you haven’t already figured it out.

Okay so my hair didn’t feel that much different after spraying. I thought maybe I hadn’t sprayed enough on, so I decided to try it again. Recalling memories of watching my mom hose her hair down with hair spray, I attempted to emulate her motions, and sprayed far more vigorously the second time.

Oh. My god. First of all, Fresh Start Dry Shampoo has a VERY strong odor to it, like a mix between hair spray and a really strong perfume. I am allergic to perfume. Second of all, I should have thought to hold my breath, but it wouldn’t have mattered, because a cloying cloud of dry shampoo hung over the sink of my bathroom well after I was done spraying.. I had to stumble out, choking, and actually needed to use my rescue inhaler. I considered stopping this project right then and there, but I only plan on doing this for a few more days, and I’d already done it once, so I figured I’ll stick with it.

All that said, after the second dousing, I got a vision in the mirror of what my hair will look like in about 30 years. There were streaks of grey in it from the shampoo. I let it sit for the recommended 1-2 minutes and then brushed it out, which turned out to be a little harder than I thought since I’d sprayed a pretty high concentration of it in some places. Ladies, if your co-workers don’t notice the strong odor emanating off your head, they probably will notice the sudden grey in your locks. Somebody’s gonna piece it together and figure out you didn’t shower today!

Day One, after shampoo oily/dirty factor (take two): 0

TRESemme may wind up killing me, but I’ll go out with people thinking I’d washed my hair today. I discovered that you have to give it a few minutes, but after that, my hair really didn’t feel oily at all, and there was a noticeable fluff to it that it was lacking beforehand.

TRESemme wins day one in the hair department, loses in the “I can breathe” department. We shall see how things go on day two.

Day Two
Before shampoo oily/dirty factor: 3
After shampoo oily/dirty factor: 2

I remembered to hold my breath this time, which helped things immensely. I also got shampoo spray all over my shirt and hands. I was pretty amazed at how long the shampoo held out from yesterday. I noticed a diminish in returns on day two, but I still felt like I could get away with going to work in a professional environment. I felt like my hair had a strange texture, though, like it was a little oily but dry at the same time. I wonder if Fresh Start Dry Shampoo is actually a desiccant. I understand that the powder is supposed to soak up and wick away the oils, but the idea that my hair is being treated like a bag of beef jerky is disturbing.

Day Three
Before shampoo oily/dirty factor: 6
After shampoo oily/dirty factor: Data not available

I decided to end my experiment on day three because my hair was getting pretty oily and yet the texture was still like hay. The build-up of powder was enough that I could actually feel it on my hands when I touched my hair. It brought back memories of a very traumatic time in my life. I spent a week with friends at a beach house after I graduated high school. I thought it would be a great idea to dye my hair with a temporary black-with-blue undertones dye. I have blonde hair. This all turned out to be a very bad idea, since instead of being black, it turned my hair bright blue. At the end of the week, I was starting a job at a very large amusement park with a very strict dress code, and blue hair wasn’t exactly on the list. So I had to cover the temporary dye with permanent black dye. My mother did not talk to me for days. Eventually, she dragged me to the salon. Three days and 16 hours later, my hair was blonde again, but it had the texture of hay and I couldn’t even get a brush through it. I cried. That is how my hair felt on day three, and I didn’t like remembering those days.

So, I took a shower. It was the best shower ever. I got my real hair back!

So what’s the verdict? TRESemme never explicitly says that this product is only to be used for one day, but I think they convey that idea pretty well in the commercial. You can’t use Fresh Start Dry Shampoo forever. So, judging on day one’s results, the shampoo does its job, but it makes the texture of your hair kind of freaky. Plus, it’s strongly scented, can give you an asthma attack, gets everywhere, and can leave grey streaks in your hair if you aren’t careful. Personally, I’d rather just go hobo, but if you’re dead serious about having “shower fresh” hair, I guess it accomplishes that pretty well in the end.

Oh, and one last word of caution: don’t smoke while using this product!

TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo Flammable

Item: TRESemme Fresh Start Dry Shampoo
Price: $5.29
Size: 5.7 ounces
Purchased at: Albertson’s
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Does make second-day hair look refreshed. Will reduce shame in women with second-day hair concerns. Clocky. Easy to use and faster than a shower. Getting to see what my old woman hair will look like.
Cons: Very strong smell. Can get everywhere if you’re not careful. Feeling like beef jerky. Will irritate sensitive lungs if inhaled. Traumatic salon memories. Will leave grey streaks if you don’t brush it out enough. Creepy hay hair feeling.

REVIEW: Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes

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Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes

The new place I moved into doesn’t have a conventional oven. I knew it wasn’t going to have one, but I didn’t think I would mind. However, it turns out I kind of miss having one.

Because without an oven, I can’t heat frozen pizzas, make casseroles or make big batches of cookies, brownies and crystal meth.

But I also kind of don’t miss having an oven.

When I had one, I had to wait for it to preheat, clean it regularly with Easy-Off and live with the fear of big batches of crystal meth causing a huge explosion.

Thank Spencer for the microwave oven and its ability to heat the water molecules in food. And thank Marie Callender’s for their new Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes because now I can serve a lasagna meal for two to four people without a conventional oven and the phosphine flavor the lasagna would have if that conventional oven was part of a meth lab.

According to the box, the Marie Callender’s lasagna contains, “freshly made noodles layered with white meat chicken, crimini mushrooms, spinach and real ricotta cheese.”

Preparing the lasagna involves sticking it in the microwave oven for 13 to 15 minutes, which is probably the longest wait I’ve ever had for a microwaveable meal.

Now some of you might be wondering about the effects of exposing the lasagna to radiation for an amount of time that equals an episode of Robot Chicken with commercials. Well don’t fret, my friend, because it comes in a magical baking tray that bakes evenly, won’t cause burnt corners and won’t cause the lasagna to explode like an overheated meth mixture in a conventional oven.

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes Tray

For something that was nuked for 15 minutes in a microwave, the lasagna turned out pretty good, except for one very small section that had some tough, dried out noodles. The chicken was soft, there was an ample amount of sauce, and the spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish.

The delicious tomato sauce that flowed in between the layers of noodles blended well with the spinach and mushrooms, allowing their flavors to come through. The cheese and chicken provided little flavor, but I’m fine with that because the sauce made up for it.

Marie Callender's Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes Slice

The baking tray the Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bake came in measures 8 inches by 6.5 inches by 1.75 inches. It’s a decent sized tray and I believe it provides enough to feed two hungry people or four meth addicts who have suppressed appetites thanks to meth.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 cup/227 grams – 290 calories, 100 calories from fat, 11 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 40 milligrams of cholesterol, 700 milligrams of sodium, 630 milligrams of potassium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 15 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Marie Callender’s Chicken, Spinach and Mushroom Lasagna Multi-Serve Bakes
Price: $5.99 (on sale)
Size: 31 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty. Serves two to four, depending on appetites. Good sauce. Can taste the spinach and mushrooms. Spinach, mushrooms and cheese were spread evenly throughout the dish. Comes in a nifty baking tray.
Cons: Meth. Chicken and cheese provided little flavor. Meth. Took a long time to cook in the microwave. Phosphine gas. Not being able to bake big batches of cookies and brownies. Meth.

REVIEW: Taco Bell XXL Chalupa, Fire-Roasted Border Salsa & Verde Border Salsa

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Taco Bell XXL Chalupa and Border Salsas>

XXL Chalupa

Described by Taco Bell’s website as “A double-sized Chalupa shell packed with seasoned ground beef, crispy lettuce, tomatoes, real cheddar cheese and nacho cheese sauce, red strips and topped with reduced fat sour cream,” the XXL Chalupa flies in the face of common sense and the recommendations of any nutritionist. Weighing in at 266 grams, the XXL Chalupa is 57.5% larger than the original Chalupa. I have this delightful mental image of Jillian Michaels screaming at the XXL Chalupa with all the rage she can muster, which, if The Biggest Loser is any indication, is a lot of rage.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa Original Chalupa Comparison

I also like the inclusion of “reduced fat sour cream.” That has to be a little wink-wink nudge-nudge from Taco Bell to us, right? It’s like they’re saying, “C’mon, we know you’re going to order a Diet Coke to go along with this monstrosity.” Taco Bell has their finger on the erratic pulse of their clientele.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa Box

I certainly did not expect to be handed a giant box when I ordered my XXL Chalupa, but that is what I got. I’m not sure the box was entirely necessary – they probably could have wrapped it up pretty snug – but it’s smart from a marketing standpoint. I felt like I’d just purchased something with real heft. An event, not just a taco.

It does not fail to impress upon opening the box, either. The XXL Chalupa actually has sides that curve up to keep all of its innards from spilling out like a teenager in a horror movie who just got eviscerated because he had sex with his girlfriend. Poor guy, he just wanted a little action. In a barn. In the middle of nowhere. With a crazy serial killer on the loose. I mean c’mon, he’s got his priorities in order.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa>

As you can see, my chalupa had a containment breach, and all the sour cream on my XXL Chalupa was globbed onto one side, half of it not inside the taco. Whatever, it happens. You roll the dice when you get fast food; you’re lucky if you actually get what you ordered, and you’re lucky if all the ingredients are distributed properly. That is just the way of things.

The shell was crispy and fried to perfection. It seemed more deep-fried than a normal Chalupa; it actually reminded me strongly of frybread, which is definitely a good thing. There was just the right amount of Taco Bell’s mystery ground beef and nacho cheese sauce. I think the addition of the nacho cheese really stepped up the flavor. It also had shredded cheese, but I always found the shredded cheese on fast food tacos to be weak and almost flavorless. Nacho cheese all the way.

Taco Bell XXL Chalupa with Border Salsas>

The lettuce was nice and crunchy and the tomatoes were tasty and fresh. Unfortunately, the red strips were buried between the ground beef and the rest of the toppings, resulting in soggy tortilla that added no flavor to the party. I topped one half of my XXL Chalupa with Fire-Roasted Salsa and the other with Salsa Verde, but we’ll get into those later, as I want them to get their own time in the spotlight. I will say, however, that both worked nicely on the taco.

Overall, I really enjoyed the XXL Chalupa. I challenged myself to finish the whole thing, and much to my disbelief, I actually did it! And then I felt miserable for two hours afterward. And I still have heartburn. I think I covered my second, third, and fourthmeal. But it was worth it! I may have a dainty feminine appetite, but I think even a big guy with a big appetite would feel satisfied with the XXL Chalupa. There’s no actual new ingredients here, but the amount of them in the taco is impressive. You’ll find the contents of a regular taco to be severely anemic after eating the XXL Chalupa. You’ll also need at least two napkins – while the turned up sides do help a little, this is something you certainly wouldn’t want to eat while driving.

Now then, to the Border Salsas!

I have always enjoyed Taco Bell’s Border Sauces. I love condiments in general, (I even had a shirt with a mustard packet on it from the now-defunct Condiment Packet Museum that I wore in public) but for some reason, Border Sauces were always my favorite. Mild, Hot, Fire, it didn’t matter. As a youth, I would just rip them open and empty the entire contents of the packet into my mouth. In hindsight, putting a sauce packet to my lips was not the most sanitary thing in the world, but, considering the strange things I ate as a child, I’ve probably put worse things in my mouth.

No comments from the peanut gallery, please.

So you can see why I was excited when Taco Bell announced two new members of the family, Verde and Fire-Roasted Border Salsas. Note that these are salsas, not sauces. Given, “salsa” is the Spanish word for “sauce,” but I think most Americans associate “salsa” with the chunky dip, which makes me wonder if these new Border Salsas are going to be more chunky than the already existing Border Sauces.

Fire-Roasted Border Salsa

Taco Bell Fire-Roasted Border Salsa

It may be hard to see in the picture, but there are lots of dark flecks in Fire-Roasted Border Salsa. I think those are supposed to represent the char you get when you actually roast tomatoes. I decided it would be a little more hygienic to squirt the salsas onto a plate instead of sucking the condiment straight out of the packet, and it definitely came out thicker than the three existing Border Sauces.

The flavor is surprisingly rich; it’s got a sweet heat that isn’t too spicy but sneaks up on you gradually. I could really taste the underlying tomato flavor, but it wasn’t a cheap tomato-y flavor, like, say, ketchup. The vinegar complemented the rich flavor of the tomatoes. Fire-roasted tomatoes are actually the second ingredient listed, which means that rich flavor is genuine.

I have to say, I was quite pleasantly surprised by Fire-Roasted Border Salsa. The three existing Border Sauces – Mild, Hot and Fire – are pretty much just what they’re called. “Generic hot sauce,” not that I think there’s anything wrong with that. But Fire-Roasted has a real flavor, and while I have never allowed ketchup to enter my home, I wouldn’t mind having a bottle of this around. It would be great on a hot dog. Actually, since I demanded a fistful of each of the new flavors, I could make that dream happen.

I also like the message on the packet – timely!

Verde Border Salsa

Taco Bell Verde Border Salsa

You can see the flecks much more clearly in the Salsa Verde. They could be either green chile pepper or tomatillo, which are the second and third ingredients in this salsa. Again, it came out of the packet thicker than the Border Sauces, and again, it had a depth of flavor that they lack.

The vinegar plays well with the pepper and tomatillo flavors, too. However, unlike Fire-Roasted, Salsa Verde has more of a vinegar twang with the chile pepper for a mild spice, instead of the sweet/spice combination of the Fire-Roasted. The depth of flavor seems to come from the tomatillo, which tastes great, and also has a tartness that works with the vinegar. Interestingly, I have a feeling that many people in this country don’t actually know what a tomatillo tastes like, which may leave them wondering what mysterious flavor is in this salsa. Kudos to Taco Bell for actually introducing people to an authentic Mexican flavor, for once!

Apparently, Taco Bell thinks “Spanish” is a synonym for “fancy.” Those same people who have never eaten a tomatillo are the same people who will think this is true.

All in all, I loved both new Border Salsas and think Taco Bell really outdid themselves. If only they could put forth this kind of effort on all their new menu items. Between these and their Cantina Tacos, they seem to be heading in the right direction.

(Nutrition Facts – XXL Chalupa – 1 taco (266 grams) – 650 calories, 350 calories from fat, 39 grams total of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 55 milligrams of cholesterol, 1,300 milligrams of sodium, 53 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of dietary fiber, 6 gram of sugars and 23 grams of protein.)

Other XXL Chalupa reviews:
Does It Hit The Spot
Grub Grade
We Rate Stuff
Tedquarters
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Item: Taco Bell XXL Chalupa, Fire-Roasted Border Salsa & Verde Border Salsa
Price: $2.79 for the XXL Chalupa; both Border Salsas free
Size: 1 taco (266 grams); 2 salsa packets
Purchased at: Taco Bell
Rating: 8 out of 10 (XXL Chalupa)
Rating: 10 out of 10 (Fire-Roasted Border Salsa)
Rating: 10 out of 10 (Verde Border Salsa)
Pros: XXL Chalupa – Had tons of fillings. Frybread-like shell. Jillian Michaels screaming at a taco. Crisp, fresh toppings. Lots of nacho cheese sauce. The feeling of victory when I conquered the whole thing. Border Salsas – Had lots of flavor depth. Actual fire-roasted tomatoes used in Fire-Roasted. Squirting Taco Bell sauce onto a hot dog. Little char flecks. Verde had great mix of twang and spice. Great tomatillo taste. Taco Bell teaching gringos about tomatillos.
Cons: XXL Chalupa – Sour cream unevenly distributed. Fitting into an XXL shirt if I keep eating them. Can be quite messy. Unfair evisceration. Soggy red tortilla strips. Heartburn. Border Salsas – The fact that I can only get them at Taco Bell and not in gallon jars. Possibility of contracting infectious diseases by sucking on the packets. Gringos thinking “Spanish” and “fancy” mean the same thing. Ketchup.

REVIEW: Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix

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Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix

The problem with regular flat Wheat Thins are that they aren’t very friendly when it comes to being able to play with them.

All I can do with a square Wheat Thin is use it as a paper football replacement or break one in half and use the two pieces to create buckteeth whenever I want to offend rednecks or upset the entire Japanese population by recreating the offensive stereotype of Japanese people found on U.S. World War II propaganda.

But with the new Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix, I can think of multiple playful possibilities.

Some of the things I can do with the round, three inch long Wheat Thins Crunch Stix include:

1. Playing pick-up sticks.
2. Recreating the Star Wars lightsaber scenes using my now worthless Beanie Babies.
3. Producing an ineffective shiv.
4. Pretending to have walrus tusks.
5. Making any Ken doll anatomically correct.

Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix Closeup

While the Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are much more fun than their flat, square cousins, I can’t say they’re as addictive. Their fire roasted tomato flavor was nice for the first few stix, but, strangely, the flavor disappeared after chain eating about five of them. It was like my tongue got used to its flavor, much like how my nose has gotten used to my own flatulence.

Once the fire roasted tomato flavor disappeared, they tasted like low sodium Wheat Thins, which are decent when I’m trying to prevent hypertension, but aren’t as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Speaking of wholesome products, these Wheat Thins Crunch Stix brag about having 11 grams of whole grain per serving. But that isn’t really impressive since a bowl of Cookie Crisp has 8 grams.

Overall, the Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix are a mediocre snack. Sure, its shape allows me to stick them in every orifice on my body, but I don’t think they have enough flavor on them to disguise the fact I stuck them in every orifice on my body and placed them back on the party tray I got them from.

(Nutrition Facts – 14 pieces/29 grams – 130 calories, 35 grams of fat, 4 grams of fat, 0.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 190 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 22 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Fire Roasted Tomato Wheat Thins Crunch Stix
Price: $3.00 (on sale)
Size: 8 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Round, thin shape makes them great for sticking in every orifice on my body. More fun then regular Wheat Thins. 11 grams of whole grain per serving. Satisfying crunch. Walruses.
Cons: Fire roasted tomato flavor disappears quickly. Not as addictive as regular Wheat Thins. Using regular Wheat Thins to pretend to have buckteeth. Makes a horrible shiv. The value of my Beanie Babies. Hypertension.

REVIEW: Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts

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Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts

According to the Kellogg’s Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts box, they have “25% Less Sugar Than Leading Toaster Pastries.” But if I’m not mistaken, aren’t Pop-Tarts the leading toaster pastry?

Or did I get sucked through a wormhole and end up in an alternate universe where Pillsbury Toaster Strudels are the leading toaster pastry and The Situation is a fat nobody from New Jersey who got his nickname because the person who enters the bathroom after him will end up in a bad situation?

Wait, let me tolerate MTV and TMZ to find out if I went through a wormhole.

Nope, still in the same universe where The Situation has six-pack abs, Snookie is still orange, there’s a particular hot tub in New Jersey that surprisingly can transmit STDs and Pop-Tarts are the leading toaster pastry.

But if I were in an alternate universe where Toaster Strudels were the ruling toaster pastry, the statement “25% Less Sugar Than Leading Toaster Pastries” wouldn’t be true, because most Toaster Strudels have nine grams of sugar, while these Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts have 11 grams.

So it seems Kellogg’s is admitting, in a slightly misleading way, that most of their Pop-Tarts are, as Def Leppard likes to say, sticky sweet. But at least these Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts have 25 percent less sugar than other Pop-Tarts, which have 15-17 grams of sugar. Although unfrosted Pop-Tarts, which I’m surprised still exist, have around 13 grams.

Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts Innards

Twenty-five percent less sugar is fine and dandy, if you’re a mother trying to prevent your child from getting hyper or turning into The Situation from an alternate universe, but having less sugar makes the Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts the most insipid flavor Kellogg’s has ever offered, and that includes unfrosted Pop-Tarts and Vanilla Milkshake Pop-Tarts.

These Pop-Tarts had the potential to be really good because I loves me some ice cream sandwiches, but the vanilla filling wasn’t filled with vanilla and the chocolate crust was chocolame. I tried them every way possible, as if I broke out the Kama Sutra of Pop-Tarts eating. But no matter how I tried them, they were still disappointing. Maybe if they artificially flavored them a bit more they would be enjoyable, but with the way they are now I’d really like these Ice Cream Sandwich Pop-Tarts to melt away.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 pastry/48 grams – 190 calories, 45 calories from fat, 5 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 2 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 1 gram of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 180 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and a bunch of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Frosted Ice Creme Sandwich Pop-Tarts
Price: $3.79
Size: 8 pack
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: 25 percent less sugar than the leading toaster pastry, i.e. Pop-Tarts. Contains vitamins and minerals. Use high fructose corn syrup. Kama Sutra.
Cons: Worst Pop-Tart flavor ever. Vanilla filling wasn’t filled with vanilla. Chocolate crust was chocolame. TMZ. MTV. The water in the Jersey Shore hot tub. Entering the bathroom after The Situation from an alternate universe uses it.

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