REVIEW: Asian Sensations Chicken Egg Rolls

Back in 1996, my life was at a crossroads − kind of like that crappy Britney Spears movie, I forget what it’s called. Anyways, it was a crazy time to be living. I had done some experimenting with alcohol and drugs, which was a big deal considering I was eight years old at the time. The only thing that kept me going was my torrid love affair with dance. It was during this time period that I became known as the Asian Sensation.

In those days, political correctness had not yet spread throughout the country. My racially exploitive nickname was simple, catchy, and just as memorable as my jumping splits. Dancing was the only time I felt free. This was mostly because they kept me in a small cage when I wasn’t dancing, but I digress. My upstart career came to an abrupt end when I grotesquely tore my groin muscles right off of the bone. I had not thought about dance since then until I tuned in to the new season of Dancing With the Stars to indulge my irrational man-crush on Adam Carolla.

All of the memories came rushing back to me, filling me with a deep sorrow fueled by the stagnation in my soles. I had to cope with my disappoint the same way that I always do: shopping and eating. It’s one of my many ambiguously feminine traits. To my surprise, I came across egg rolls that shared my former moniker. They were Asian Sensations Chicken Egg Rolls, produced by the probably-not-Asian-but-sounds-Asian-enough-to-be-sort-of-authentic Schwan’s frozen food company. The picture on the box looked appetizing, so I decided to give it a shot.

Once taken out of the box, I was cheered up by the fact that the individually-wrapped egg rolls were fairly substantial. One is big enough to pair with some fried rice for a filling lunch. I threw one in the toaster oven and waited as it cooked, tapping my toes all the while. When it finished, I tore it open to see its innards. It contained cabbage, processed chicken, celery, carrots, and onions, but all I could really see was chicken and cabbage. It was all I could taste too; the vegetables were chopped so fine that all of the texture was lost. Even worse, the indiscernible sauce was annoyingly sweet and added no spice or excitement to the experience. The egg rolls were edible, but certainly not deserving of the Asian Sensation name.

Still feeling kind of down, I visited their website, AsianSensations.com, to see if it might be a porn site of some kind. It is not, but apparently I can win a private concert with singer Julie Roberts. This begs several questions. One − who the hell is Julie Roberts? Two − why is Asian Sensations promoting a white blonde as their big star? And finally − is “private concert” a thinly-veiled euphemism for “hot sexual tryst?”

Either way, none of it adds up and I haven’t been this confused since my high school crush explained that she was “not necessarily un-attracted” to me. Alas, it was another lesson learned: don’t look to egg rolls to solve your life problems.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 egg roll – 140 calories, 5 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 10 mg of cholesterol, 400mg sodium, 20 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 5 grams of protein, 15% Vitamin A, 6% Vitamin C, 2% Calcium, and 8% Iron)

Item: Asian Sensations Chicken Egg Rolls
Price: $2.50
Purchased at: Albertsons
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Reasonably priced and fairly big egg rolls. Egg rolls are both microwaveable and oven-able. Being a badass on the dance floor. Possible contest sex with Julie Roberts.
Cons: Flavor is a little to sweet to eat by itself. Vegetables all come together in a soggy mass. Eating away your pain. Tearing groin muscles. Crushes that try to let you down easy but end up destroying your psyche instead.

The Week in Reviews – 3/22/2008

There’s a Smuckers Uncrustables Peanut Butter & Honey Spread Sandwich for those lazy bastards who are too fucking lazy to make their own peanut butter and honey sandwich. Sign me up!

If you love movies with the director’s name in the title then Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns is the movie for you.

Anything that tastes “like a mix of chocolate and salty nuts” must be good. Oh wait, NOT THOSE kind of salty nuts. My bad.

Do you think the Limited Edition Haagen-Dazs Vanilla Honey Bee Ice Cream would be a limited edition if the bees all over the world weren’t disappearing? Whoa…I just blew my mind.

I’m waiting for a chip that tastes spicy, sweet, sour, salty, and bitter, just like my tears of despondency after eating Thai food. For now, I’ll have to settle for the Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili chips.

I’m afraid of products that look like the radioactive rod Homer Simpson throws out of his car during the Simpsons intro.

Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss

If all it takes to achieve bliss is to eat the Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bar, then I’m staying home and eating nothing but these natural and artificial flavored bars. But really, after trying them, I doubt that these bars have the ability to give someone any amount of bliss. Even if it could, it would end up being like a vibrator, it would satisfy you for a while, but eventually you’re going to need something real.

Speaking of being real, these Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bars lack some of that in its ingredients. Each bar is made up of multigrain cereal, bran flakes, rice cereal, raspberry flavored fruit pieces, and partially dipped in what I’m now calling, I Can Believe It’s Not Chocolate, or as the packaging says “chocolatey.”

Not chocolate, “chocolatey.”

To explain “chocolatey,” I’m going to refer to a comment for The Impulsive Buy’s review of the Kellogg’s Special K Chocolatey Delight cereal from my favorite female candy expert, “Partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil + cocoa processed with alkali + cocoa = “chocolatey.” There’s no cocoa butter in there to make it chocolate.”

Its overall taste was not bad. The “raspberry flavored fruit pieces” made the bar taste like raspberry jujubes. The chocolatey part of the bar didn’t seem to add anything, since the raspberry is what stood out. For a bar that claims to be healthy, it would’ve been nice of Kellogg’s to keep it real by including actual dried raspberries in it, or at least a coupon for a free lap dance, because I think that’s the only thing that would make up for it.

Another thing that bothered me was that in the nutrition facts it claimed to have zero trans fats, but if you read the ingredients list and look at the footnotes, there’s a line that says “Less then 0.5 g trans fat per serving” thanks to the partially hydrogenated palm kernel oil. Each bar weighs less than an ounce (0.77 ounces) and is 3.5 inches long and one inch wide, which is great for people trying to portion control and lose weight, but bad for people who are hungry or guys insecure about their junk.

Overall, I think the Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss bars are like Playboy Playmates, they seem good at first glance, but deep down you know there was some tricks involved. With the Bliss bars, it’s the raspberry flavored fruit pieces and the chocolatey dipping. With the Playboy Playmates, it’s Photoshop.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bar – 90 calories, 2 grams of fat, 1 gram of saturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, less than 1 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar, 1 grams of protein, 10% niacin, 4% iron, 10% vitamin B6, and zero grams of bliss.)

Item: Kellogg’s Special K Raspberry Bliss
Price: $3.00 (on sale, six-pack)
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: 90 calories per bar. Decent tasting. Bars are small for those who want to control portions. Coupons for lap dances.
Cons: No bliss from eating bars. Ingredients list is kind of scary. 0.5 grams of trans fat. Raspberry flavored fruit pieces not actual raspberries. Chocolatey not chocolate. Not much in vitamins and minerals. Bars are small for hungry people. Chocolatey doesn’t add to the bar. Being insecure about your junk.

Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash

The Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash is 98.50 percent all natural. I too am 98.50 percent all natural when I walk around my apartment. What is the non-natural 1.5 percent when I’m strut my stuff in my apartment?

It is a sheer polyester g-string with gold sequins…and I work it.

Burt’s Bees personal care products are known for being made with natural ingredients and the company engages in environmentally friendly business practices. Once the secret of hippies everywhere, it has been available to all the smug Toyota Prius drivers out there for several years. I’ve known about Burt’s Bees products for almost a decade, but avoided them at first because they were too pricey for my dried ramen-eating, college-aged ass. But now that I’m an employed 30-something, I guess it’s about time for me to lose my virginity and experience the hippie wonder that is Burt’s Bees products.

The idea of bathing with milk and shea butter may sound unappealing, but when compared to bathing with a cow in the middle of Shea Stadium, it is not so bad. According to the bottle, milk, along with coconut and sunflower oils, create a gentle and richly foaming cleanser. Also according to the bottle, the shea butter, which is rich in vitamins A, E, & F, deeply penetrates skin to nourish, soften, and replenish essential moisture. This combination is supposed to leave skin soft, smooth, and beautiful.

After taking several showers with the Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash, I have to say that it isn’t my favorite shower buddy. Honestly, in the bottle, it smells like a warm swimming pool filled with sunscreen-smothered swimmers and enough chlorine to bleach my pubic hairs. On my skin, it smells kind of like clay, which would make sense since I do have a body that should be memorialized in the form of a statue…and then pooped on by pigeons.

Compared with most body washes I’ve used, its consistency was watery, which caused me to squeeze out more product than I wanted to use. While using it, the body wash didn’t lather as much as most of the products I’ve used. This was due to the lack of sodium lauryl/laureth sulfate, which makes a mean lather, but can cause skin irritation to some. Rinsing it off was easy and it didn’t leave a slippery residue that many moisturizing body washes do.

The Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash did make my skin soft, but I don’t think it made it beautiful. But then again, the only thing that can make my skin beautiful are the tears of orphan Asian babies.

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Impulsive Buy reader Cinby for suggestion a Burt’s Bees review.)

Item: Burt’s Bees Milk & Shea Butter Body Wash
Price: $7.99 (12-ounces)
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Made me clean. Made my skin soft. 98.50% natural. Sodium lauryl/laureth sulfate free. Rinses off easily. Not tested on animals. Losing my Burt’s Bees virginity. My sheer polyester g-string with gold sequins.
Cons: Disappointing scent. Watery consistency. Doesn’t lather as much as other body washes. Bathing with a cow in the middle of Shea Stadium.

Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake

Kona Coffee is known worldwide as one of the best varieties of coffee. To reach that level of excellence, you may think there’s something special about the town of Kona, like it’s a magical place where coffee beans rain down from the sky and the wonderful smell of coffee lingers like the aroma of urine in every public stairwell.

You may think the beans are collected by little men called Menehune who come out of their tiny grass huts at night and each bean is carried on a donkey-shaped cloud to a magic grinder that uses the bones of unicorns to turn the coffee beans into a fine dust for the world to enjoy. Sadly, I’m here to let you know that Kona is not the magical coffee heaven on Earth that you may think. Kona is just like most towns.

There’s a Wal-Mart, Kmart, multiplex movie theater, Costco, Home Depot, Borders, Bubba Gump Shrimp Company restaurant, Hard Rock Cafe, a couple of Starbucks, a variety of national fast food restaurants, and there used to be a shitty Sizzler. Also, the coffee isn’t picked up by Menehune, it’s picked off of trees by Filipino immigrants.

So what makes Kona Coffee good?

I don’t know, but whatever it is I wished the new Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake had some of it. I’m a big fan of Jack’s Oreo Shake, which I order whenever I want to add a second chin or another dimple on my ass, but I don’t feel the same way about this creamy coffee-flavored milkshake. The coffee flavor was noticeable, but not strong enough for those who have Starbucks flowing through their veins. I didn’t really think it tasted like Kona Coffee, but it did taste like all the faux Kona Coffee products I’ve tried over the years.

Another problem I had with the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake was its thickness. I couldn’t get that thickness into my mouth, not even with my vacuum-like oral sucking skillz. I sucked and sucked, but it was hard to get the creamy goodness into my mouth. After awhile, all that sucking just made my mouth sore and I waited for that thickness to get soft before I tried sucking it again. When it did get soft, I was able to suck it dry.

But I really wished I also had the option to spoon the Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake.

Item: Jack in the Box Kona Coffee Shake
Price: $3.09 (regular-sized)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mah oral sucking skillz. Cool. Creamy. If you like the fake Kona Coffee taste, you’ll like this. Jack in the Box Oreo Shake. Costco. Real Kona Coffee. Spooning.
Cons: Coffee flavor was light. The aroma of urine in every public stairwell. Thickness of milkshake was a little too thick for my mouth. Kona is not a magical place.

Get the audio version of this review here.

Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse

The lack of a burning sensation in my mouth and an absence of alcohol in the ingredients list means that the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse is either made for children or cry baby pussies.

Back in my little man days, I only had the original formula Listerine and when it burned, it felt like a chlamydia-filled fiesta in my mouth. Whenever I felt that burn, I cried like a third grader who just pooped in his pants in the middle of class while learning cursive writing, but eventually I sucked it up and realized that the burn made me feel like it was working to make my breath antiseptic fresh.

Today’s little snots have it easy with their Happy Meals, fruit-flavored toothpastes, child-proof medication bottles, and Capri Suns with straws that can actually poke through the bag. Why are we coddling our children with burn-less Listerine?

Life is hard. Life is painful. Shouldn’t mouthwashes be as well? How are today’s children going to cope with the ups and downs of life if they’re not even faced with the agony of Listerine burn? Pain teaches us lessons. Burning your hands while taking something out of the microwave oven teaches us that gloves protect our hands. Being a public official and getting caught with a high-priced call girl teaches us that masturbation is okay.

I feel sorry for those kids who have to settle for the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse. Besides not causing a burning sensation, it’s not very minty. The Metromint Spearmint Water I drink to make me look like a sophisticated prick has more mint flavor than this. If it isn’t very minty, how am I going to mask my breath after making out with a low-priced call girl.

Another difference between regular Listerine and this Listerine for Wussies is the amount of time vigorously swishing them in your mouth. Regular Listerine takes only 30 seconds, while the Smart Rinse takes one whole minute. Good luck getting your children to do that.

What also sucks about the Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse is that you can’t eat or drink anything 30 minutes after rinsing. I don’t know what happens if you do, but I’m not about to find out, especially after what happened when I operated heavy machinery after taking NyQuil. Perhaps the worst thing about this product is the fact there there isn’t any alcohol in it, like regular Listerine does, which disappoints me because it would be so cute to see little kids tipsy from Listerine.

Item: Listerine Mint Shield Smart Rinse
Price: $4.76
Purchased at: Wal-Mart
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Helps prevent cavities. Handy squeeze measuring top. Masturbation. Gloves.
Cons: No Listerine burn. No alcohol. Mint Shield flavor is lame. Can’t eat or drink anything 30 minutes after rinsing. For pussies. Operating heavy machinery after drinking NyQuil. Life is hard.