REVIEW: Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza

Marvo 14 Comments

The cheeseburger pizza isn’t new to me.

It actually used to frighten me as a wee lad whenever I would see the words “cheeseburger pizza” scheduled on the elementary and intermediate school lunch calendar twice a month. For most kids my age, the word “pizza” equated to something that was a treat, but for me it was terror and confusion.

It didn’t look or taste like a pizza, nor did it look or taste like a cheeseburger. I would either pick at it like a bird, or trade it for some syrup-covered prunes. I later came to the conclusion that it was a way for the cafeteria workers to get rid of soon-to-expire ingredients, like ground beef and cheese.

Sure, when I was in seventh grade, some bonehead blasted me, shoulder first, into my chest while playing flag football, making it hard for me to breathe for five minutes; in sixth grade, I got kicked in the balls really hard while playing soccer; in fifth grade, I pooped in my pants before I made it to the restroom; in fourth grade, the prettiest girl in my grade told me I smelled really bad; in third grade, my classmate seated next to me threw up on me; in second grade, I pooped in my pants before I made it to the restroom; in first grade, I was called “nerd” for the very first time because I started wearing glasses; and in kindergarden, I cried so hard while I had my head down while being punished that my tears created a puddle on the table that ran off the edge and created a waterfall of tears, but none of these grade school memories haunt me more than those cafeteria cheeseburger pizzas.

Thankfully, California Pizza Kitchen changed my opinion of what a cheesburger pizza is when I had their much tastier version in one of their restaurants. And now I can continue to rehabilitate and rid myself of those grade school cheeseburger pizza memories at home with the frozen Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza.

The frozen pizza is made up of a crispy thin pizza crust topped with seasoned hamburger, a blend of cheeses, diced tomatoes, caramelized onions and CPK’s signature sauce. According to one of my Twitter followers, who works at CPK, it’s supposed to taste like an In-N-Out cheeseburger, but I think it tastes more like a Big Mac with a little mustard flavor.

The restaurant and frozen versions taste almost exactly alike. The only major differences are the layer of shredded lettuce that’s added on top of the restaurant’s version of the pizza and the use of a huge wood fire oven.

According to the box, there’s three servings, which is kind of irritating because I don’t like having to bust out the protractor I haven’t used since high school to figure out how big a slice should be and I’m an Asian who sucks at math. Of course, I can cut it into fourths, but doing so would force me to use more math as I try to figure out how much trans fat is in one slice.

But wait, if I cut it into sixths, then two pieces will equal a third.

Oh, I guess I am good at math. The stereotype still lives.

The Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza is one tasty frozen pizza and is my favorite CPK frozen pizza variety, so far. If you’ve ordered one in the restaurant and enjoyed it, this frozen version will help you remember it, while at home, for about half the price.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/3 pizza – 350 calories, 19 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 1 gram of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 770 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar, 13 grams of protein, 6% vitamin A, 20% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: Limited Edition California Pizza Kitchen Cheeseburger Pizza
Price: $5.99 (on sale)
Size: 14.1 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tastes like a Big Mac. Tastes like the version available at CPK restaurants. Crispy crust. No lines about I Can Haz Cheeseburger. Asians are good at math.
Cons: Contains trans fat. Limited edition. Good source of saturated fat and sodium. Trying to cut a pizza into even thirds. Cheeseburger pizza in grade school. Pooping in my pants in the fifth and second grades.

REVIEW: McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies (Wild Berry & Strawberry Banana)

Marvo 21 Comments

The coolest thing about the McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies are not the smoothies themselves, even though they’re made with ice, but rather how they’re made.

The machine that blends it is part-coffee vending machine, part-blender, part-dishwasher and, because it has a touchscreen, part-iPhone. With that technological combination, I’m surprised these space-aged blenders haven’t become self-aware and tried to take over the world, or because they’re part-iPhone, lose their ability to make smoothies if you hold them the wrong way.

Watching the McWorker make my McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies was like watching a NASCAR pit crew do their thing (or Formula One for our foreign readers). She made my Wild Berry and Strawberry Banana smoothies with speed and precision.

Actually, let me take that back. The blender made my smoothies with speed and precision.

All she had to do was select the smoothie I wanted and the proper size on the touchscreen and the blender did the rest, dropping crushed ice into the blending container, oozing the low-fat yogurt and fruit puree into the container and blending all of it to perfection. All of that took less than 30 seconds. Then after she pulled out the blending container and poured my smoothie into a cup, she placed it upside down on a tray and water started shooting up to rinse it. Within seconds, it was ready to make another smoothie.

The Wild Berry flavor consists of a mix of strawberries, blackberries and blueberries, while the Strawberry Banana is made up of self-explanation. As I mentioned above, each is blended with low-fat yogurt and ice, which creates a consistency that I would describe as easily suckable. While sucking, I was surprised to find seeds among the ice granules in both smoothie flavors, since it gets its “real fruits” via a puree.

Blueberries were the dominate flavor in the Wild Berry smoothie, and I could hardly detect the strawberries and blackberries. As for the Strawberry Banana smoothie, I thought the strawberries had the stronger flavor. However, I thought both flavors tasted like store-brand yogurt.

I didn’t enjoy the McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies as much as their coffee-flavored counterparts, the Frappé. But I do think they’re inexpensive and decent tasting smoothies.

And I’m not just saying that to please our future McDonald’s blender overlords so that they’ll spare me and not turn me into a smoothie.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 small smoothie – Wild Berry – 210 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 30 milligrams of sodium, 48 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 44 grams of sugar, 2 gram of protein, 2% vitamin A, 80% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 6% iron. Strawberry Banana – 210 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 49 grams of carbohydrates, 44 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 2% vitamin A, 70% vitamin C, 8% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: McDonald’s Real Fruit Smoothies (Wild Berry & Strawberry Banana)
Price: $2.29 each
Size: 12 ounces (small)
Purchased at: McDonald’s
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Easily suckable. Reasonably priced. Low fat. Awesome source of vitamin C. Made in an awesome blender. No high fructose corn syrup. Having my life spared by our future blender overlords.
Cons: Not as tasty as the Frappé. Uses fruit puree, instead of pieces of fruit. Not a good source of calcium. Not having balanced fruit flavors. Being turned into a smoothie by our future blender overlords.

REVIEW: KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich (Original & Grilled)

Marvo 21 Comments

KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich

Thanks KFC.

The name of your new KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich probably just gave the Black Eyed Peas a title for a new mindless and shallow song that will make my car’s speakers weep as it’s played in heavy rotation on the radio, make my TV’s speakers groan as it’s played during timeouts at NBA games and make my computer’s speakers take their own lives by blow themselves out when that song randomly starts playing on Pandora, thanks to my Miley Cyrus station.

Are you really willing to take responsibility for clogging ears, like you clog arteries with lyrics that may go like this?

You know I’m Doublicious.
This beat is phat and expeditious.
These lyrics make me seditious.
Carrots cake is not nutritious.

And you may think it ends with being overplayed on the radio, at NBA games and on the internet, but thousands of people will have that song set as their muthafrickin’ ringtone. Oh, but it doesn’t stop there either. It will continue to pollute the airwaves by being featured on a Now That’s What I Call Music! compilation, then children are going to cover the song on a Kidz Bop album, and if there’s another direct-to-DVD Air Bud or Beverly Hills Chihuahua movie, it will probably be on the soundtrack.

And that’s still not the end of it because a Black Eyed Peas song never dies, it either gets recycled or comes back to life over and over again to eat away at your brain, like a musical zombie. But there’s no head to shoot off with a shotgun.

KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich 2

Shoving Black Eyed Peas lyrics down my ears is like trying to make me buy the Original and Grilled KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwiches again, because I don’t want to do either regularly.

On paper, both KFC sandwiches look good. The Original Doublicious includes an Original Recipe filet topped with bacon, Monterey Jack cheese and the Colonel’s Sauce, while the Grilled Doublicious has a grilled filet with Monterey Jack cheese, lettuce and honey mustard BBQ sauce. Both sandwiches come with a Hawaiian sweet bread bun.

With the bun, KFC is trying to create a sweet and savory combination, which is perhaps the reason for the name Doublicious, or double delicious, if you will. However, I felt the bun wasn’t as sweet or as soft as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with. The bun also had perfectly placed grill marks on the inside of it, which looked just as off-putting as the grill marks found on KFC’s Grilled Chicken. But what’s even more disturbing was the size of each Doublicious sandwich, which were quite small for the $4.49 I paid for each of them.

While they may not be hearty sandwiches, I did think they were both good, but the sweet and savory combo punch didn’t knock me to my feet. As I mentioned earlier, I thought the bun wasn’t as sweet as the Hawaiian sweet bread I grew up with, but I think its sweetness and flavor gets lost even more with the sweetness of the sauces.

The cheese in both sandwiches don’t have any impact on flavor. The bacon in the Original version makes the sandwich a little more savory and the lettuce in the Grilled one makes it appear healthier. As for the chicken filets, the Original one was a little crispy, while the Grilled one was a little creepy with the weird grill marks on them.

While both sandwiches are sweet and savory, I think they are so because of their sauces. The flavor of the chicken and their secret herbs and spices get lost with the sauces. It makes me wonder why KFC is trying to hide what they’re known for. It’s like they don’t believe the flavor of their chicken can stand on its own.

I wish KFC would believe in what makes their chicken finger lickin’ good, just like I wish a particular hip-hop group would stop making songs with lyrics that go like this:

I’m on the supersonic boom.
Y’all hear the spaceship zoom.
When, when I step inside the room.
Them girls go ape-shit, uh.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – Original – 470 calories, 23 grams of fat, 6 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat* (*may contain less than 0.5 grams of trans fat), 80 milligrams of cholesterol, 980 milligrams of sodium, 34 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar and 33 grams of protein. Grilled – 360 calories, 11 grams of fat, 4 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 940 milligrams of sodium, 33 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 34 grams of protein.)

Item: KFC Doublicious Chicken Sandwich (Original & Grilled)
Price: $4.49 each
Size: 187 grams (Original)
Size: 200 grams (Grilled)
Purchased at: KFC
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Original)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Grilled)
Pros: Good. Use of Hawaiian sweet bread bun. Good source of protein. Bacon. Black Eyed Peas before Fergie. KFC’s secret herbs and spices.
Cons: Damn small. Pricey for what you get. Sweet and savory flavor is dominated by sauces and didn’t blow me away. Not double delicious. Black Eyed Peas songs being played EVERYWHERE. Great source of sodium. Grill marks on bun freak me out. Can’t kill a Black Eyed Peas song.

REVIEW: Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee

Marvo 17 Comments

Update: Click here to read our review of the caramel version

There’s only one problem with the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee — I can’t watch a cute barista make it for me.

Unless I steal a Starbucks employee apron and make one for myself in front of a mirror; or I kidnap a cute Starbucks employee and have her brew one for me.

If I do decide to abduct a hot barista, I won’t have her captive for long because making a Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee is quick and extremely simple. All the barista would have to do is rub the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again. Oh wait, I meant to write, it pours the packet into 16 ounces of cold water, stirs and then adds in ice cubes, up to four, or else it gets the hose once more.

When I made one myself, I had to vigorously stir for about 45 seconds to completely dissolve the coffee. You can also pour the packet into a bottle of water and shake it like you’re trying to get rid of your flabby underarms with a Shake Weight.

Each packet contains instant and microground arabica coffee and cane sugar, and it’s bigger than the original Starbucks VIA instant hot coffee packet. I didn’t know anything about arabica coffee, so I decided to do a quick Wikipedia search.

I discovered the coffee gets its name because it’s indigenous to the mountains of Yemen in the Arabian Peninsula, and not from one of the places the Beach Boys sang of in their song “Kokomo.” However, while it originates from Yemen, the arabica coffee is from Colombia.

The flavor of the iced coffee tastes almost like the Colombia Starbucks VIA Ready Brew, which is also made with arabica coffee. However, unlike the hot version, the iced version is lightly sweetened with cane sugar, which made it easier for me to drink. Of course, you can add any amount of your favorite sweetener to it or perhaps pour milk from your favorite animal teat. So far, I prefer mine with an ounce of vanilla milk from a soy teat.

I’m surprised by how much I enjoyed the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee, because I’m not much of a coffee drinker. It doesn’t have a bold flavor, which if it did, would probably turn me off, instead it’s quite smooth and refreshing. And it also gave me a nice energy boost. Go coffee!

I see myself buying the Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee on a regular basis because I’m getting Starbucks iced coffee without the Starbucks iced coffee price. Sure, it would be nice if a cute barista also came inside the box and if I didn’t have to wait for water to freeze before I can put ice cubes in it, but I really love its combination of flavor, price, the fact it’s easy to make and its versatility. Since I’m able to add whatever I want, I could mix the instant iced coffee with chocolate sauce, milk and ice in a blender and make myself a mocha Frappuccino.

Or kidnap a cute Starbucks barista to make it for me.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 packet (13.3 grams) – 50 calories, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 12 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 11 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein)

Read other Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee reviews:
Drink What
Orange County Register
Pulpconnection
Possessed by Caffeine
Coffee Cup News (YouTube)
Wandering Foodie (YouTube)

Item: Starbucks VIA Iced Coffee
Price: $5.95
Size: 5-pack
Purchased at: A Starbucks inside of a Safeway that’s inside of a shopping center
Rating: 10 out of 10
Pros: Very good. Inexpensive when compared with regular Starbucks. Easy to drink. Lightly sweetened. Easy to make. Versatile. Gave me a boost of energy. Shake Weight commercials.
Cons: Takes a lot of vigorous stirring to make the coffee dissolve completely. Doesn’t come with a cute barista. Coffee purists may not like it. Waiting for water to freeze. Kidnapping people.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich

Marvo 15 Comments

The Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich isn’t really big.

Heck, I don’t think it can be even considered just “big” by today’s fast food standards, which have been set by burgers like BK’s Steakhouse XT and whatever monstrosities Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s come up with. To me, even the Big Mac shouldn’t be regarded as “big” when compared with the latest fast food burgers.

The sandwich has two chicken patties, but even with them it looks small. But if the Really Big Chicken Sandwich can be considered big, then there are certain men out there who should have no reason to buy a 450-horsepower sports car to make up for particular inadequacies in their nether regions.

The size of this Jack in the Box chicken sandwich disappoints me not only because I feel it’s false advertising, but also because if there’s a fast food company that should understand what “really big” is it’s Jack in the Box, whose fake CEO has a head so comically large that I’m surprised people who come near him don’t get caught in his gravitational field and orbit around his head.

Jack in the Box’s Really Big Chicken Sandwich is made up of two crispy chicken patties with two slices of Swiss-style cheese, lettuce, tomato, bacon, and mayo-onion sauce in between a bun. The sandwich kind of looks like the reproductive result of what would happen if a KFC Double Down and a McDonald’s Big Mac got all hot and oily with each other.

While I don’t think it’s really big, I do think it’s a mighty tasty sandwich, mainly due to the mayo-onion sauce and an ingredient that seems to make almost everything better. No, not the tears of a child whose ice cream has fallen off of its cone and onto the ground; I’m talking about bacon.

The strips of pig may not be visible in the pictures above and they may not be crispy, which is almost always the case with fast food bacon, but they do add a pleasant smokiness to the sandwich. The chicken patties were crispy and flavorful; the cheese was hardly noticeable; the lettuce and tomato allowed me to say I ate a serving of vegetables; and the bun was surprisingly durable and not bad tasting.

A Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich small combo will run you $3.99, even in Hawaii, which is a reasonable price for what you get. But it would be an even better deal if the Really Big Chicken Sandwich was actually really big.

Wait a second…If the Really Big Chicken Sandwich isn’t really big, then shouldn’t we also be wondering if it’s really a chicken sandwich?

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 748 calories, 44 grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat* (*contains less than 0.5 grams of trans fat due to the use of partially hydrogenated oils), 85 milligrams of cholesterol, 1834 milligrams of sodium, 471 milligrams of potassium, 56 grams of carbohydrates, 2 grams of fiber, 4 grams of sugar and 30 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box Really Big Chicken Sandwich
Price: $3.99 (small combo)
Size: Small Combo
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Tasty sandwich. Bacon gives it a smokiness. Affordable combo price. Awesome source of protein and potassium. Mayo-onion sauce is tasty. Eating vegetables. Durable bun. Tears of a child whose ice cream has fallen onto the ground.
Cons: Not a really big chicken sandwich. Awesome source of sodium and fat. Cheese was hardly noticeable. Looks like what would happen if a KFC Double Down and a McDonald’s Big Mac hooked up.