REVIEW: Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat

Kayla 22 Comments

Beer and college go together like peanut butter and jelly, spaghetti and meatballs, Bret Michaels and anti-fungal medication, Botox and the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, RuPaul and surgical tape…

Okay, I think you get the idea. But, how about beer and fruit?

“Beer and fruit you say? I don’t want no fruity stuff in my brewski. I don’t even want that little pansy orange when I get a Blue Moon. Fruit and beer!?! Knock it off with your crazy talk, stop blocking the TV and go make me a turkey pot pie, woman.”

Well, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, I guess you wouldn’t be willing to try Long Trail’s Blackbeary (yes, Beary) Wheat.

Just like you, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, I too am a consumer of beers typically found in packs of 30 due to the crickets that have found a place in my wallet and chirp on cue when I open it just to piss me off and make fun of the fact that I am a poor college student. Those bastards. However sometimes when I want to splurge (especially when I’m in New Hampshire where beer is much cheaper than the Keystone State.) I pick up something that’s local and what I assume has better quality than a 30-pack of The Beast.

Long Trail is a brewery that hails from Vermont and…

“Vermont you say!?! You’re telling me they make beer in the state that got those Birkenstock-wearin’ liberal hippies, ice cream with names that are always a play on words and maple syrup!?! I told ya to knock it off with your crazy talk. And where the hell is my turkey pot pie?”

Well, yes, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, Long Trail is from Vermont and, actually, Vermont has more breweries per capita than any other state. Throughout the year, Long Trail likes to put out specialty brews that fit the season, and usually they have cute names and adorable labels with bears skiing or lounging out by trees or, in the case of the Blackbeary Wheat, an angry wife holding a rolling pin about to smack her husband who is attempting to take a piece of pie.

“Cute and adorable you say!?! Beer ain’t supposed to be cute or adorable. I need a beer that uses hot babes with their jugs bouncing up and down in their commercials, not some damn cartoon bear. Speaking about pie, where the hell is mine!?!”

Oh, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, you are so right. Beer shouldn’t be about how cute the label is; it’s all about the taste. The right amount of hops, how much alcohol it has, how quickly you can pound it during a game of beer pong, or with Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat, the perfect fruit to grain ratio.

“Ratio!?! What the hell are you talkin’ about, ratio? When I’m drinkin’ a nice cold one I don’t wanna think about some damn mathematical equation!”

Nor do I, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer drinker, but when I do drink a fruit type beer like Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, I keep in mind the unification of fruit and grain. However, I couldn’t find any unification whatsoever while drinking the Blackbeary Wheat. In fact, I had to do a double take at the label to make sure I was drinking a fruit infused brew. The fruit flavor was nonexistent, like Spencer Pratt’s brain, which left my mouth wanting something with more substance even after I downed two of them.

“See, I told ya. Don’t buy those fancy, pansy-ass beers with cute names, stick to brews that got one syllable names like Bud or Miller.”

Um, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, Miller has two syllables…

“One. Two. Same difference. Now what did I say? Stop blockin’ the TV and go make me a turkey pot pie, woman.”

Item: Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat
Price: $11.99 (on sale)
Size: 12 oz – 12 pack
Purchased at: Shaw’s
Rating: 3 out of 10
Pros: It’s beer. Funny/adorable label. Beer commercials. Playing beer pong. Only 6 grams of carbs. Being able to purchase beer at a grocery store. Poking fun at misogynistic stereotypes.
Cons: Literally no trace of blackberry. Literally no buzz. The crickets in my wallet rubbing it in that I purchased this instead of a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.

REVIEW: Green Tea Coke Plus With Catechin

Marvo 17 Comments

It’s hard to imagine why it’s taken so long for the Japanese makers of Coke to come up with the Green Tea Coke Plus with Catechin. After all, the Japanese love green tea. They love it HARD. I think they love it just as much as smoking, manga, short schoolgirl skirts, posing for pictures and physically abusive game shows.

I’m also surprised the American makers of Coke didn’t come up with it sooner because, as they’ve proven time and time again, they’ll shoehorn almost anything into their cola. They’ll shoehorn it HARD. Some ingredients they’ve added to Coke or Diet Coke include: coffee, vanilla, black cherry, lime, lemon, Splenda, cherry and zeros.

Although it doesn’t specifically say on its label, the Green Tea Coke Plus with Catechin is really less like regular Coke and more like either Diet Coke or Coke Zero since it contains artificial sweeteners and no calories. Despite its name, it doesn’t contain vitamins like the U.S. version of Diet Coke Plus. The “plus” in this soda’s name is either for the catechins the green tea provides or it’s being marketed to sumo wrestlers.

Catechins are antioxidants and are mostly found in teas, but also in some chocolates. Studies have shown that catechins prevent plaque from building up on artery walls, some forms of cancer and aging. In my personal studies with catechins and green tea, it seems to turn me into a pompous ass by making me extend my pinky outward when drinking tea.

The Green Tea Coke Plus’ smell and initial flavor reminds me of the American version of Coke Zero, but not as prominent, which doesn’t surprise me because Coke from Japan tends to have a slightly muted flavor compared with their American counterparts. The green tea flavor doesn’t kick in until a few moments later, but when it does, it’s subtle and without any of the bitterness that green tea is known for.

Being someone who enjoys Coke Zero, I enjoyed the flavor of the Green Tea Coke Plus with Catechin, although I wish it had a little bit more green tea flavor. As for the catechins, I think you’d be better off drinking cups of regular green tea because there’s probably not a significant amount of catechins in each bottle of Green Tea Coke Plus, unlike green tea itself.

But overall, I like it HARD.

(Note: Orchid64, who purchased and sent the Green Tea Coke Plus for me, also reviewed it, along with Mike’s Blender. Also, below is a stupid experiment I did with the second bottle of Green Tea Coke Plus I had. It’s stupid because I totally wasted a good bottle of soda that’s hard for me to obtain. Enjoy my wastefulness.)

Item: Green Tea Coke Plus With Catechin
Price: 147 yen
Size: 500 ml
Purchased at: Received from Orchid64
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: I like it HARD. Tastes like Coke Zero. No calories. Easy to drink. I guess some catechins are better than no catechins. Green tea. Short schoolgirl skirts on women 18 years old or older. Japanese game shows.
Cons: Only available in Japan. Not enough green tea flavor for me. Not sure how much catechins it provides, but it’s probably not much. Wasting a perfectly good bottle of soda with a stupid dated Mentos experiment.

PRIZE DRAWING: Because Some of You Need More Protein In Your Diet and These Five Boxes Are Taking Up Space In My Room

Marvo 137 Comments

Protein is one of those things our bodies need in order to…to be honest, I’m not sure what protein is used for because I have an English degree and I got a C in college biology. Actually, I got a C or worse in EVERY science class I took in college. I also got F’s in Russian 101, Accounting 201, Math 100, Anatomy 301, Anatomy 301 Lab and I think one more class. I’m surprised I earned a college degree. Actually, I take that back. I’m not surprised because to balance all of those crappy grades, I took really easy classes, like a class that involved watching television from Japan, including a censored Japanese porn flick, and comparing it with American media.

I wonder if protein helps brain development? I guess if I listened in my science classes, I would know. Well, whatever protein does, I’m giving away lots of it thanks to the folks at Promax who sent us five boxes of their all-natural Promax Cookies ‘N Cream Energy Bars, which are taking up space in my room. I would move them to the closet, but they’re really heavy and I’m a weakling. I wish there was something I could eat to help me build muscle.

Oh well.

The Impulsive Buy will be giving away one box each to five lucky winners. Each box has 12 bars and each bar contains 20 grams of protein and is full of vitamins and minerals. They also don’t contain high fructose corn syrup. Whether you’re an athlete or just someone on the go looking for a snack, these Promax bars will satisfy you.

To enter this prize drawing, just leave a comment with THIS post and in your comment include something that you need or want that isn’t money. For example, I want more Impulsive Buy readers and I really want to beat Spencer Pratt with a canoe paddle…across the head…several times…while America cheers me on.

Please fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing addresses. The Impulsive Buy will stop accepting entries on Saturday, June 20, 2009 11:59 p.m. Hawaii Standard Time. Only one entry allowed per person (I’m keeping an eye on the IP addresses) and it’s open to EVERYONE who’s 18 years old or older.

Good luck!

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you emails to Rickroll you. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you community newsletters. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, damaged mail, or you failing a college course.

REVIEW: Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream (Butterscotch & Chocolate)

Marvo 20 Comments

Without knowing it Cold Stone Creamery, with their JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream, created a new idiom to express boredom to go along with watching paint dry and watching grass grow. Now whenever you have to watch something boring, like C-SPAN, you can say it’s like watching Cold Stone Creamery’s JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream melt, because it takes a while for this decadent dessert to do so.

According to Cold Stone Creamery, their new Jello Pudding Ice Cream doesn’t melt, instead it turns into pudding. I tested their claim by sticking in a bowl a spoonful of the butterscotch pudding ice cream and a spoonful of the chocolate pudding ice cream. Then I set up a video camera and let nature take its course.

I shot the pudding ice cream action for an hour, but through the magic of speeding up video, editing and strategically placed video transitions, you can watch all the sexy pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action in under two minutes.  Although I should warn you that sexy pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action is 100 times less sexier than it sounds.

As you can see from the video, the pudding ice cream doesn’t melt into a liquid, instead it does what Cold Stone Creamery said it would do, which is turn into pudding.  And watching that happen is like watching paint dry on growing grass.

For the experiment, I used the chocolate and butterscotch flavors of the Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream, but in some locations they also offer vanilla and banana flavors. Like my armpit hairs, I kept my pudding ice cream au naturel and didn’t add anything to be mixed in. The texture of the pudding ice cream is definitely not like any other ice cream I’ve had. It’s soft and pliable, like a Russian gymnast, and it doesn’t get hard, making it easy to scoop. When I put it in my mouth, it starts off with a texture similar to ice cream, but after a few seconds in my warm mouth it changes into a feel that’s more like pudding, albeit kind of a really gooey, slightly chewy pudding.

I think the chocolate flavor tastes very similar to a McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae, a belief that Cold Stone may not agree with since they are a premium ice cream maker and not a cheap ass burger maker. But I really like the Hot Fudge Sundaes from the House of Ronald, so I really like the flavor of the chocolate pudding ice cream. As for the butterscotch flavor, it also is also very good. It has a nice gold color and a delightful butterscotch flavor that tastes like I’m sucking on a hard butterscotch candy.

Overall, I enjoyed both flavors of the Cold Stone Creamery Jello Pudding Ice Cream. They’re rich and creamy and they have really great flavor. The texture of the pudding ice cream may throw off some people and the extremely high saturated fat content might scare a few, but it’s definitely something that’s interesting to try.

Although it’s definitely not interesting to watch as it melts.

(Nutritional Facts – 1 Love It – Butterscotch – 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 450 milligrams of sodium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 64 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A and 15% calcium. Chocolate – 550 calories, 28 grams of fat, 18 grams of saturated fat, 1 grams of trans fat, 105 milligrams of cholesterol, 360 milligrams of sodium, 73 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 62 grams of sugar, 8 grams of protein, 25% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Cold Stone Creamery JELL-O Pudding Ice Cream (Butterscotch & Chocolate)
Price: $4.59 each
Size: Love It (about 8 ounces)
Purchased at: Cold Stone Creamery
Rating: 7 out of 10 (chocolate)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (butterscotch)
Pros: Both flavors are really good. Chocolate flavor tastes like a McDonald’s Hot Fudge Sundae. Butterscotch flavor tastes like I’m sucking on a hard butterscotch candy. Texture is interesting. It doesn’t melt, it just turns into pudding. My armpit hair will keep my armpits warm.
Cons: After a few seconds in my mouth it has a gooey, slightly chewy pudding texture that might turn people off. Extremely high in saturated fat content. Watching grass grow. Watching paint dry. Watching paint dry on growing grass. Watching the Cold Stone Creamery Jello Pudding Ice Cream melt. Pudding ice cream-on-pudding ice cream action is 100 times less sexier than it sounds.

REVIEW: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

Marvo 14 Comments

Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream

As a place that is known for its calorie-filled coffee concoctions, I wasn’t surprised that Starbucks has their own line of calorie-filled coffee ice cream concoctions, although these pints of ice cream can’t be bought in one of the dozens of Starbucks locations within a 10 miles radius of you.

The new Starbucks Ice Cream line replaces the old Starbucks Ice Cream line made by Dreyer’s and features milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It comes in four different flavors and I chose the plain ol’ coffee flavor because I wasn’t feeling very adventurous at the time of purchase to try any of the other flavors — caramel macchiato, mocha frappuccino and java chip frappuccino — all of which are apparently brought to us by the letter O.

The Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream is made up of coffee and espresso ice creams. If you look closely at it you can see the swirls the two ice creams make and if you listen very carefully to the ice cream you might be able to hear the sounds of jazz or easy listening music playing, just like you’re sitting in a Starbucks location.

To be honest, I’ve consumed more water out of a rusty pipe than Starbucks coffee (although some people might say they taste the same), so I can’t tell you if the ice cream tastes similar to its insulated cupped brethren. But I do know that I’ve had better tasting coffee ice cream. While it has an adequate coffee flavor, it isn’t as creamy or as rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had in the past, like the Haagen Dazs Coffee ice cream. Perhaps the use of espresso ice cream is the reason for that or maybe the it’s the “Starbucks Coffee Concentrate” that’s listed among the ice cream’s ingredients, which sounds like something Starbucks should start selling in a cup — straight up.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 210 calories, 13 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 65 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 21 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 19 grams of sugar, 3 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A and 10% calcium.)

Item: Starbucks Coffee Ice Cream
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: One Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent tasting. Made with milk and cream that’s free from recombinant bovine growth hormones (rBGH). It’s size is one pint, unlike Haagen Dazs. The number of Starbucks locations.
Cons: Not as creamy or rich as other coffee ice cream I’ve had. Drinking out of a rusty pipe. Falling asleep to the music played in a Starbucks. Starbucks Coffee Concentrate sounds scary. The number of Starbucks locations.