Oops! Disposable Panties

Marvo 26 Comments

Whenever I want to get my kink on at home, I put on a nice tight dress, a pair of black stockings, a brunette wig, six-inch heels, and my favorite shade of lipstick, which is Sexy Fire Red #5. The problem with doing all of this is that I can only wear it indoors or on Halloween, because if I were to go outside on a regular day with all that on, I’m pretty sure Eddie Murphy will come and “accidently” pick me up. To get my kink on when I’m not at home, I like to put on a discreet article of women’s clothing, which is always something I wear under my “normal” clothing.

It’s such a rush to be talking to someone and they don’t know I’m wearing something like a Victoria’s Secret blue lace trim thong or a curve-hugging Frederick’s of Hollywood silk and lace corset or a white Wicked Weasel sheer g-string under my clothing. You would think putting on a piece of women’s clothing would be second nature for me by now, but sometimes when I’m in a hurry, I’ll forget to put something on. Thankfully these Oops! Disposable Panties, which I keep in my car’s glove compartment and get another rush by putting them on in my car in the middle of a Wal-Mart parking lot, saves the day and I can continue my personal kink fest.

These disposable panties come in three colors: pink, blue, and yellow. I chose the pink because they match the color of most of my bras. Oh, and ladies, I just want to let you know that the bra’s underwire also can be uncomfortable for male chests too. As you can see in the photo above, the Oops! Disposable Panties come in an easy to hide disc shape, which is about 1.75 inches in diameter and .75 inches thick. Each disc consists of two “Magic Panties,” which is appropriately named for reasons which I will leave to your kinkiest imaginations.

On my head, the Oops! Disposable Panty looks like the world’s most ineffective shower cap, but when I slip it on my body, it just feels so naughty, so right. The mesh-like material was comfortable and durable while wearing it under my “normal” clothes. Sure, it wasn’t as comfortable as my striped cotton Victoria’s Secret PINK knickers, but it will do fine in a pinch and it makes my ass look damn good. It also wasn’t the sexiest thing I’ve ever put on and it didn’t fit as well as I hoped, but that was probably due to my junk in the front. Apparently one size fits many and I believe that because I have a 31-inch waist and there was definitely was a lot of room to spare for someone with a bigger waist-wise.

According to the packaging, the Oops! Disposable Panties are handy for those heavy flow days, which means absolutely nothing for me and my fellow kinksters out there. What’s important is that they’re washable, so I can use them to get my kink on again and again.

Item: Oops! Disposable Panties
Price: $1.99
Size: 2-pack
Purchased at: Longs Drugs
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Comfortable and durable. One size fits many. Comes in several colors: blue, pink, and yellow. Convenient for crossdressers on the go. Hygienic and washable. Makes my ass look damn good. Writing this review while rubbing my nipples.
Cons: Didn’t fit as well as I hoped, due to my junk in the front. Not sexy. Not as comfortable as my regular panties. World’s most ineffective shower cap when placed on head.

Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette

Marvo 12 Comments

The Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette spray bottle takes me back to my youth. Back then, I had to find ways to entertain myself because I eventually got tired of my toys. Lego got boring after I made a F-15 fighter out of it. Playing with my Star Wars figures became old after it turned out Luke and Leia were siblings, which totally ruined the love triangle I created with them and Darth Vader. G.I. Joe got lame when Cobra Commander changed to that lame cloth hood, which replaced his helmet with the shiny face shield. Finally, I put down my Barbie dolls after I found out they were not anatomically correct and because boys were not supposed to play with them.

After losing interest in most of my toys, I turned my attention towards spraying. I don’t know what it was about spraying that interested me. Perhaps it was the continuous hissing sound or the fine liquid mist, but whatever it was, I was hooked. It started harmlessly with a little Spray and Wash to get rid of the “ring around the collar,” a little Pam non-stick spray, and Raid bug killer, but then I moved on to spray paints and hair spray. I eventually became a graffiti artist/pyromaniac, but it turned out that I had no artistic skill, so I just became a pyromaniac with a pack of matches and a salon-sized can of Aqua Net hair spray. It was exciting burning bugs and melting my G.I. Joe figures, but something called the “ozone layer” eventually ruined my fun.

(Editor’s note: The Impulsive Buy does not condone the use of hairspray and matches to create an awesome blowtorch. It is a stupid, stupid, stupid thing to do. Doing so may cause harm not only to yourself but to others as well.)

So that’s why I weep as I spray the Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette on my salad with its lame pump spray, instead of a CFC-spewing, rock-and-roll aerosol spray that would blow the leafy greens away. WOOOO!!! Actually, the spray from the Lite Accents bottle was more like a stream, which made it hard to evenly coat a salad. According to the front of the bottle, each spray is one calorie, but according to the nutrition facts, 10 sprays equals 15 calories, so it’s actually 1.5 calories per spray, which means my mathematic abilities are still at a sixth grade level. The bottle also states that it can dress more than 25 salads, which is approximately the number of salads I’ve had in the past five years.

The dressing was watery, since physics probably makes it hard for something creamy to come out of a tiny spray nozzle. It had a slightly sweet, tangy flavor to it that I didn’t enjoy when I sprayed it directly into my mouth, but enjoyed when I sprayed it on a salad. It maybe a low-calorie, low-fat salad dressing, but it doesn’t taste as “healthy” as pourable low-calorie, low-fat salad dressings. The bottle also recommends using it on steak, chicken, or fish, which is good because I really don’t know when I’m going to eat my next salad.

(Nutrition Facts – 10 sprays – 15 calories, 0.5 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 95 milligrams of sodium, 2 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 2 grams of sugar, 0 grams of protein, and 1 pointer finger workout.)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to long time TIB reader Brie for kind of recommending this product. Actually, she wanted us to review the Wish Bone Salad Spritzers, another salad dressing spray, but we ended up reviewing these because they were on sale.)

Item: Ken’s Steak House Lite Accents Honey Mustard Vinaigrette
Price: $3.99 (on sale)
Size: 7 ounces
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Decent slightly sweet, tangy flavor. Low calorie. Low fat. Can use on steak, chicken or fish. Homemade blowtorches. Cobra Commander with the helmet and shiny face shield.
Cons: Pricey for salad dressing. Watery. Not really a spray, more like a stream. CFCs. My artistic abilities. My need for more salads in my diet.

Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl

Marvo 36 Comments

The new Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl looks like it got hit repeatedly with an ugly stick, followed by a magic spell from the wand of the ugly fairy, and then given an ulgy gift by Ugly Claus. But it also is the perfect storm of breakfast, with its waves of scrambled eggs, flood of white cheddar cheese sauce, downpour of shredded cheddar cheese, hail of sausage balls, torrent of bacon pieces, and the thunder of golden hash brown sticks. It may look like something that comes out of you rather than something that goes in you, but the Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl is one tasty mofo…as long as you close your eyes while eating it.

The combination the Jack in the Box cuisine creators constructed with their Hearty Breakfast Bowl is just about perfect. Nothing overpowers each other, although I have to admit I didn’t know it had bacon until I read that it had hours later. The cheese was nicely melted, the hash brown sticks were slightly crunchy, and the eggs were mostly fluffy. The use of small balls of sausage, bacon pieces, and long hash brown sticks helped ensure you can taste almost all of the ingredients with every bite. With all of those flavors combined it’s like I had an inexpensive Las Vegas breakfast buffet in my mouth, except without the old people holding up the line.

The somewhat small size of the bowl the Hearty Breakfast Bowl comes in, which is about five inches in diameter and 1.75 inches deep, makes it seem like it is not so hearty, but one bowl satisfied my manly, hair-chested hunger and probably raised my blood pressure and cholesterol to levels my future cardiologist would say they shouldn’t be at. I guess the Hearty Breakfast Bowl is appropriately named for something that does that to my heart. The plastic bowl also seemed to be reusable, since it states that it is microwave safe and dishwasher safe, which is good because the plastic it’s made out of is difficult to recycle (#5).

The Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl is the breakfast I wish I could make in the morning, if I had the time, ingredients, and the kitchen full of people I could demand to make it for me. Thankfully, every Jack in the Box has all of those things and they also can make it during anytime of the day, since they serve breakfast around the clock, although it will probably be just as ugly as the one above. It’s a good thing I have paper bags to cover it while I have at it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bowl – 780 calories, 60 grams of fat, 20 grams of saturated fat, 7 grams of trans fat, 445 milligrams of cholesterol, 1350 milligrams of sodium, 430 milligrams of potassium, 34 grams of carbs, 4 grams of dietary fiber, 1 gram of sugar, 26 grams of protein, and thanks to Ryan.)

(Editor’s Note: I originally gave this an 8 out of 10, but I didn’t know the nutrition facts, until reader Ryan pointed them out. After I found out that it has 7 grams of trans fat, I decided to knock down the score to 7 out of 10, because having 7 grams of trans fat just isn’t right.)

Item: Jack in the Box Hearty Breakfast Bowl
Price: $3.89 ($2.99 most other places)
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: It’sa damn good. The breakfast I wish I could make in the morning. Flavors don’t overpower each other. Use of sausage balls, bit of bacon and hash brown sticks helps ensure all the ingredients are covered in every bite. Available 24 hours a day. Container is reusable, microwave safe, and dishwasher safe.
Cons: A very unhealthy 7 grams of trans fat. Looks like it got hit with an ugly stick again and again. It’s probably bad for you. Bowl may seem small to some. Didn’t notice the bacon. Container’s plastic is hard to recycle (#5).

REVIEW: Nissin Choice Ramen Savory Herb Chicken

Ace 22 Comments

If you’ve ever experienced any financially lean years, you’ve most likely eaten enough ramen to have it circle the globe several times over. During this time, lunch was not a matter of what bistro to hit up, but what flavor packets to mix together. You know, for that exotic taste of the orient. You probably also never took a moment to make light of the fact that you were your heftiest during these “lean” years; your brain being too bogged down by the tremendous amount of fat in your head to appreciate concepts like irony and humor.

This is never a good time in anyone’s life, but Nissin’s new Choice brand of ramen noodles promises to help you get you through these years looking slim and feeling like a worthwhile contributor to society. At around two for a dollar, they’re still affordable, though not in that “buy ’em by the ration crate” sort of way that regular ramen can be when it’s on sale. The package boasts lower fat, less sodium, and a fancy-sounding “Savory Herb Chicken” flavor that is meant to distinguish it from lesser ramen.

The back of the package reveals that their secret is in a new air-drying technology that means that the noodles are not deep fried. From my tried and true formula of “Food + Deep Fry = Good x 2 (type of coating),” I figured that these noodles would not be as tasty. The noodles are no longer a two-layered brick, but rather a disc that conforms more easily to the perimeter of your pot. I garnished with green onions and a sprig of cilantro for a half-assed presentation that made me feel like I actually cooked something.

My first impression was that the noodles were about as good as I could expect packaged ramen to be − not gummy, not too soft, and with just the right amount of firmness. The soup, however, was a different story. With just 25% less sodium than the notoriously salty regular ramen, you would expect the flavor to be just right. The soup turned out to be bland and muted with no hint of herbs in it whatsoever.

Choice ramen could be a great product if the soup base had any flavor whatsoever. I would pair the surprisingly tasty noodles with a regular ramen packet, but that would sort of defeat the purpose of “lower sodium” and thus the appeal of “healthy” ramen. Damn you, soup packet, why must you go and embarrass my poached egg in such a way? Head back to the factory and come back with a healthy version of MSG.

(Nutritional Facts – Half package – 140 calories, 10 calories from fat, 1 gram of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 mg of cholesterol, 480mg sodium, 28 gram of carbs, 2 grams of dietary fiber, 4 grams of protein, and 10% iron)

(Editor’s Note: Thanks to Amy for suggesting the Nissin Choice Ramen. Ace’s blood pressure would also like to thank Amy.)

Item: Nissin Choice Ramen Savory Herb Chicken
Price: 49 cents
Purchased at: Northgate Market
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Healthier version of one of the unhealthiest items on the open market. Affordable, though not stupidly cheap like regular ramen. Noodles maintain a nice, reasonably firm texture as you’re eating.
Cons: Not a lot of flavor in the flavor packet at all. Noodle to soup ratio is a little too high for my liking. Healthier, but not exactly health food.

Happy Fourth Birthday!!! + PRIZE DRAWING

Marvo 284 Comments

Dear TIB,

Today, you turned four years old. Pretty soon you won’t be wetting your bed on a regular basis, your teeth will start falling out, and I’ll take you out for trick-or-treating, dressing you up in a ridiculous costume for Halloween that you’ll be embarrassed about when you’re significantly older. I’ll probably turn you into Yoda, a koala, or put you in a mini Hot Dog on a Stick uniform. Thankfully, you’re not big enough to kick my ass, because I would if our roles were reversed.

You’ve grown well over the past four years, but I wish I could say the same for myself. Raising you has been a rewarding, but demanding process that I wish didn’t involve so much consumption of fast food and energy drinks. However, it’s what you want and as your guardian I need to provide it to you because if I don’t, you’re going to whine as loud as an air raid siren. But I just want you to remember that you can’t get everything in life by just whining, because eventually the only thing that your whining will get you is a hard spank on your rear end.

So what does the future hold? Well I’m hoping to give you a brother or a sister to play with, but I’m not sure when that’s going to happen. Dealing with two of you would be a big responsibility and I don’t know if I’m ready for it yet, but when I do decide I’ll let you know.

We’re going to celebrate your birthday the same way we’ve celebrated your past birthdays by holding a prize drawing. For your fourth birthday, we’re going to give away four (4) mystery boxes, filled with items that we’ve reviewed over the past four years. The contents of each mystery box will be different.

To enter the drawing, TIB readers will have to leave a comment for this post with the words, “Happy Birthday TIB” and whatever else they would like to say. They should fill out the email field, because I’ll be emailing the winners for their mailing address.

We will start accepting entries for the drawing on Saturday, August 9, 2008 and stop accepting entries on Saturday, August 16, 2008 (11:59 Hawaii Standard Time). Only one entry allowed per person. The drawing is open to EVERYONE (Thank goodness for USPS Flat Rate boxes).

The winners will be determined in a way that has not been decided. It will probably be lame.

Fine Print: The Impulsive Buy promises your email address will not be used to send you spam about getting a free iPhone. The Impulsive Buy also promises your mailing address will not be used to send you information about how you can apply for a Disney credit card with your favorite character on it. Bribes will not be accepted. The Impulsive Buy will not be responsible for lost mail, the results of the upcoming US presidential election, or your iPhone freezing.

Anyhoo, TIB, you’re the best thing that’s happened in my life…okay, I’m lying about that, but you’re probably in the top 5…okay, definitely in the top 10.

Love,
Papa