I’d like to think I’m an every man. Just your typical Y chromosome.

HIGH FIVE!

Like most guys, I love watching sports. Whenever my favorite sport, figure skating, is on, I get all crazy over that shit. Whenever my boyz come over to watch a competition, we all represent by putting on tight sequin jumpsuits with a sock in the crotch. Some of our suits have tassels, while others have lace. We each have a different favorite professional skater, so the color of the sequins on our suits depend on which country the athlete is from.

Things can get pretty rowdy when we’re watching them compete, like whenever my boy Stephane Lambiel pulls out a triple triple-double, I start to talk trash and do my bad ass victory dance, which consists of jazz hands, pirouettes, and an “In yo’ face!”

NON-SEXUAL PAT ON THE ASS!

I’m a man’s man, man. Even the things I own are items that an every man has.

What man doesn’t enjoy the softness of 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets and an 800 thread count down feather comforter with images of bamboo stalks on them? I love the way it feels on my skin when I sleep every night in just my birthday suit and a gel sleep mask, like all manly men do.

Also, I have what every every man has, an array of candles. I’ve got candles for each of the seasons, candles for different moods, and candles that really help me get in touch with my masculine side. Sometimes when I’m feeling really manly, I’ll make my own candles. I’ve been experimenting with scents and I’ve come up with some manly scents, like rose lemon zest and ivory green tea potpourri.

FIST PUMP!

Since I’m an every man, I knew I had to try the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash. As you can see in the picture above, it comes in an unusually shaped bottle, which reminded me of something manly, but I couldn’t quite figure it out at first. However, when I took it into the shower with me and turned it sideways, I quickly figured out what manly thing it was, which you can see below.

The body wash inside the cock and ballsack-shaped bottle pleasantly tickled my olfactory sense. The really nice citrus scent was sweet and orangey, which I felt was a nice unisex fragrance that both men and women could use, much like the mid-1990s over-hyped scent, cK one. It lathered up nicely and washed away cleanly.

According to the bottle, the Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash consists of coconut-derived surfactants to cleanse, polyethylene beads to scrub away dry and dead skin, and citrus oils of mandarin orange and lemon to refresh. What this body wash doesn’t contain is sodium lauryl sulfate, dyes, and paraben, which I think is good for those of you with really sensitive skin, but if you were a man’s man, you might want to see a dermatologist for that.

CHEST BUMP!

Item: Every Man Jack Citrus Scrub Body Wash
Price: $4.99 (12 ounces)
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Great citrus smell. Unisex scent. Scrubby. Never tested on animals. Sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) free. Dye free. Paraben free. Candles. Figure skating. 1000 thread count Egyptian sheets. HIGH FIVE!
Cons: Not available at many retailers. The bottle turned sideways looks like cock and balls. Being a dude and wearing the same fragrance as your female college chemistry lab partner.

Those moments when I use the Hilary Duff Tooth Tunes toothbrush to clean my choppers are the only times you will ever hear Hilary Duff lyrics come out of my mouth, unless you get me drunk enough at a karaoke bar, but if you get me that drunk, I would pretty much do anything.

Technically, I am not singing the lyrics. The music is coming out of the brush’s head, which plays a two minute clip to encourage the target audience tweens to brush. The particular Hilary Duff song I got the pleasure of listening to every morning and night until the non-replaceable battery dies or until I go batshit insane from bad music and break it in half is called “Wake Up,” which is appropriate in the mornings, but not so much at night, unless you work the graveyard shift somewhere or you’re a prostitute with good oral hygiene.

I had choices when deciding which Tooth Tunes I wanted, but trying to come up with the right song was like trying to choose which type of burning sensation I wanted on my genitals. Actually, I didn’t really know any of the other “artists,” like Corbin Bleu, Jesse McCartney, and Ashley Tisdale. There was a limited selection at the Target I went to and the only names I recognized were Hilary Duff and Vanessa Hudgens, and I only knew Hudgens because there’s a nude picture of her floating around the internet.

After you press the button on the handle to start up the music that little girls love and record executives hope never gets old because it brings in a lot of money, the music plays only when pressure is applied to the bristles. When there isn’t any pressure, the music stops. So in order to hear the full two minutes of the song clip, which for this brush, turned out to be about two minutes twenty seconds, the young users need to be brushing their teeth…or if they’re smart, pull the brush head back with their fingers.

The sound was tinny, just as I expected. After all, it is a disposable toothbrush (Listen to me brush with Tooth Tunes). It was like I was listening to a really bad AM radio station in my mouth.

Because the speaker is in the brush’s head, one way to amplify the music is by opening your mouth while you brush, but if you have saliva glands as active as mine, that is not an option. The best way I found to improve the brush head’s sound is to bite on it, which obviously makes it really hard to brush.

To stick the speaker in the brush’s head, they had to make it fatter, but doing so made it hard for me to reach the outside of my back molars. I have the mouth of an adult, but the mind of a child, so I think the Tooth Tunes’ fat head would probably cause difficulty with those who have both the mouth and mind of a child.

On the packaging, a Dr. Ed McLaren, D.D.S. from the UCLA School of Dentistry says, “I personally use Tooth Tunes because it’s the only toothbrush I’ve seen that makes you really want to brush for 2 minutes. Plus, it encourages better brushing: If you brush well, you get great sound! Tooth Tunes is the best new product in oral care that I have seen in years.”

I call bullshit.

If you’re a dentist, I don’t think shitty pop music should be motivation for you to brush for two minutes. If you’re a dentist, I think the embarrassment of being a dentist with cavities should make you really want to brush for two minutes.

Overall, I think Tooth Tunes is a good concept to trick motivate children to brush for longer than they do, unless your child has good taste in music. Although paying ten dollars every three months for a new one isn’t so attractive. Also, if children listen to the song twice a day (or three times a day for you anal parents), they might get bored of it pretty quickly.

I have no children, but if I did, I personally would ridicule them into brushing by calling them “stinky mouth” and telling all their friends, relatives, and teachers to also call them “stinky mouth” until they start brushing properly.

I can’t wait to be a parent.

Item: Tooth Tunes Hilary Duff Toothbrush
Price: $9.89
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good concept to trick motivate children to brush. Gets my teeth mostly clean. My future parenting skillz.
Cons: Hilary Duff. Can’t swap songs. Hard to brush the back teeth with its fat head. Sound was tinny. Non-replaceable batteries. Non-replaceable brush head. My overactive saliva glands. Dentists who openly admit that they use Tooth Tunes. Not ever getting back the two minutes spent listening to me brush my teeth.

I don’t walk into a Hallmark store for greeting cards anymore because when I looked through the aisles filled with folded cards, colorful envelopes, and middle-aged women, I couldn’t find a card that truly expressed what I was thinking or feeling.

I find that most of those Hallmark cards are predictable, like the use of the word “beaner” in a Carlos Mencia joke. “I love you,” “Happy Birthday,” “I miss you,” “Merry Christmas,” or “I have herpes” are just some of the phrases that you might find inside a typical greeting card. I want my greeting cards to say more than that. If I already know what it’s going to say inside, why even bother opening it? Just pull the card out, shake it, and let the cash, personal check, gift card, or condom fall onto my lap.

Thank goodness for Bald Guy Greeting Cards, which have more to say that a typical greeting card and does it with sarcasm. With these cards you won’t find rainbows being used as a metaphor for friendship, love, or the bridge into womanhood.

Instead, you have cards that say what you’re truly thinking, but too afraid to say out loud, unless you’re an asshole. For example, one of their birthday cards I picked up says on the outside, “Happy Birthday (I guess),” then on the inside it says, “For the record, my birthday was on _______ and you didn’t get me a card. Not even an email. But that’s okay. Happy Birthday to you, I guess.”

There have been several occasions when I really needed a card like that.

Another card I picked out for a future wedding says on the outside, “Congratulations on your wedding,” while on the inside it says, “I hope you like your gift. Since you went to the store, picked it out and registered for it. Actually, if you don’t like it, it’s kind of your fault.”

Despite them being honest, I really wish there was more profanity in the cards. You know, to keep it real. One card I found used the word “asshole,” but that was pretty much it. Seriously, which would have more of an impact:

a. For the record, my birthday was on _______ and you didn’t get me a card. Not even an email. But that’s okay. Happy Birthday to you, I guess.

or

b. For the record, my fucking birthday was on ______ and you didn’t get me a fucking card. Not even a fucking email. But that’s okay. Happy Birthday to you, fucker.

Another thing that slightly bothered me about the Bald Guy greeting cards were the drawing on the front of every card. Each emo-ish character looked like something that haunts my dreams, much like New York’s eyelashes do.

Speaking of dreams, I once dreamt of becoming a greeting card writer, so that whenever the dreaded question “What are you going to do with an English Degree?” came up, I could reply “Write greeting cards, bitches!” to my aunts and uncles.

You know what? I think that might just make a good greeting card for English majors.

Item: Bald Guy Greeting Cards
Price: $3.00 (per card)
Purchased at: www.baldguygreetings.com
Rating: 3 out of 5
Pros: Sarcastic cards. Honest. Perfect cards for certain situations. Profanity. Money inside a card.
Cons: Drawings haunt my dreams. Needs more profanity. New York’s eyelashes. Rainbows being used as a metaphor for friendship. love, and the bridge into womanhood. Getting a card that says, “I have herpes.”