NEWS: Dunkin’ Donuts Introduces a Waffle Breakfast Sandwich That Makes Me Weep

Marvo 29 Comments

There used to be two Dunkin’ Donuts within close driving distance from my apartment about 2-3 years ago, but both are now gone. One was knocked down to make way for a Safeway and the other was in a horrible location, which caused it to close and it is now occupied by a Chinese seafood restaurant. If they were still around, I would be able to taste the new Dunkin’ Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich.

Instead, I’m forced to only dream about its cherrywood smoked bacon, scrambled eggs and American cheese in between two maple-infused waffles. Actually, because I can never taste that goodness, I wouldn’t be dreaming. I would be having a nightmare, which would force me to try to Frankenstein it by build one using Eggo waffles, Oscar Mayer turkey bacon, Egg Beaters, generic pancake syrup and Velveeta slices.

The Dunkin’ Donuts Waffle Breakfast Sandwich contains 390 calories, 23 grams of fat, 8 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1000 milligrams of sodium, 28 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 6 grams of sugar, and 16 grams of protein. It will be available through March 17 in states that have a Dunkin’ Donuts at a suggested retail price of $2.99.

REVIEW: Honey Kix

Marvo 24 Comments

Kix has always been one of those cereals that have puzzled me. It’s one of those cereals that makes me wonder why it’s still on store shelves because, frankly, it’s as tasty as a wet hobo’s home. I used to think that way about Rice Krispies too, but then realized that its production is probably still going thanks to people who makes homemade Rice Krispies Treats and those who use it to absorb liquid spills.

My dislike for regular Kix was the reason why I was skeptical about the new Honey Kix. It would take a lot for me to like Kix and adding honey might not be enough to do it because you can put a sheep’s clothing on a wolf and it’s still a wolf and you can put a beard on Spencer Pratt and he’s still an asshole. What also made me pessimistic about Honey Kix was the fact that, just like the original Kix, it’s “Kid-Tested, Mother-Approved.”

“Kid-Tested” is such a vague term. Sure, they gave it to kids and they might’ve all hated it or they might’ve all loved it, but there’s no way to know what those children were thinking with the open-ended phrase, “Kid-Tested.” At one point, kids might’ve liked Kix, perhaps back in 1937, when it was introduced. But, of course, kids would like it back then because they didn’t have much of a choice. There wasn’t enough variety to have a cereal aisle. It was just a cereal corner.

What I want to know is, how often do they do these tests?

I hope they do it often because kids likes and dislikes are so fickle. If they need someone to do more tests, I could do it because I understand the basics of experimentation thanks to college chemistry and watching Mythbusters. All I need is a kid to be a control subject who eats only Kix and a bunch of other kids to be subjects that aren’t controls who will be eating cereals that will make the control subject jealous. Although, now that I think about it, it will be difficult to do this testing since I’m pretty sure having a 33-year-old man entice children to his “laboratory” with promises of delicious cereal is illegal in most, if not all, countries.

I ended up using myself as a test subject with the Honey Kix. The first thing I noticed about the latest Kix is that it’s much more yellow in color than regular Kix. Then I noticed it stayed crunchy in milk for a decent amount of time. Its taste was definitely sweeter than original Kix and it had a slight honey flavor that made the cereal sort of taste like Cookie Crisp, except without the chocolate. But it’s flavor won’t satisfy those who love their sugary cereals that either come with marshmallows or colors that don’t occur in nature.

After all my experiments, I’ve come to the conclusion that Honey Kix is better than original Kix. So consider it, “Marvo-Tested, Marvo-Approved!”

(Nutrition Facts – 1.25 cups – 120 calories, 1 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 230 milligrams of sodium, 70 milligrams of potassium, 28 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 6 grams of sugar, 19 grams of other carbohydrates, 2 grams of protein, and lots of vitamins and minerals.)

Item: Honey Kix
Price: $5.99
Size: 12 ounces
Purchased at: Foodland
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Sweeter than original Kix. Sort of tastes like Cookie Crisp without the chocolate. Provides 16 grams of whole grain. No high fructose corn syrup. 3 grams of dietary fiber. A bunch of vitamins and minerals. No artificial flavors or preservatives. Mythbusters. Using Rice Krispies to absorb liquids.
Cons: Taste won’t satisfy those who love sugary cereals. “Kid-Tested” is vague term. Enticing children to a “laboratory” with promises of delicious cereal. The asshole-ness of Spencer Pratt. The fickleness of children.

REVIEW: Baskin-Robbins BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream (Vanilla & Chocolate)

Marvo 15 Comments

Ice cream is the GREATEST COMFORT FOOD THAT TAKES YOU ON AN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER RIDE EVAR!

That’s right. You read what I typed with my caps lock key on. How many foods out there can make you feel so good while eating it, but make you feel so bad after eating it?

It’s like illegal drugs with their highs and lows. And just like illegal drugs, you can get ice cream anytime of the day because dealers, like most convenient stores and Wal-Marts, are available 24 hours a day. As long as you’ve got the money, you can get your honey. Pints of ice cream are like nickelbags, half gallons are like bricks, and those three gallon tubs of ice cream are like all-you-can-smoke buffets.

As I wrote earlier, the problem with ice cream is that it makes you feel bad after eating it. The saturated fat that comes with good ice cream is like the THC in weed, you know it’s bad for you, but it’s what makes it so good. Thankfully, Baskin-Robbins has created their BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream that has 50% less fat and 20% fewer calories than their regular ice cream.

The Premium Churned Light Ice Cream comes in a few flavors, but I chose milk chocolate and vanilla varieties because I love the message behind the Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder song “Ebony and Ivory” and I try to bring them together as much as possible and because the Baskin-Robbins I went to only had three Premium Churned flavors to choose from.

When I put Premium Churned ice cream into my warm mouth I thought it wasn’t as creamy as regular full-fat, pants-ripping ice cream. Between the two flavors, the vanilla one was my least favorite because it tasted exactly how I expected a 50% less fat ice cream should taste — kind of bland. The vanilla flavor wasn’t very strong and I felt it didn’t come close to tasting like full-fat, pants-button-popping-off ice cream, which was disappointing because the milk chocolate flavor was a different story. If someone were to give me the Premium Churned Milk Chocolate Light Ice Cream while I was blindfolded with my limbs restrained in a torture rack and a leather-clad woman named Olga feeding me spoonfuls of it in between the whip lashes she’s giving me, I wouldn’t think it was a reduced fat ice cream. It was surprisingly good and really chocolatey.

Hopefully the Baskin-Robbins BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream won’t make you feel so bad after gorging on them. With 50% less fat and 20% less calories than their full-fat counterparts, the roller coaster ride you’ll have after eating them will feel like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride instead of Space Mountain.

(Nutrition Facts – 2.5 ounce scoop – Vanilla – 130 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 3 grams of saturated fat, 20 milligrams of cholesterol, 70 milligrams of sodium, 19 grams of carbs, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 2% Vitamin C, and 15% Calcium. Milk Chocolate – 130 calories, 4.5 grams of fat, 2.5 grams of saturated fat, 15 milligrams of cholesterol, 75 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbs, 1 grams of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 6% Vitamin A, 2% Vitamin C, 15% Calcium, and 2% Iron.)

Item: Baskin-Robbins BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream (Vanilla & Chocolate)
Price: FREE (received coupons from nice PR folks)
Size: 1 pint
Purchased at: Baskin-Robbins
Rating: 8 out of 10 (Milk Chocolate)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Vanilla)
Pros: Milk Chocolate flavor was surprisingly really good and chocolatey and didn’t taste like a reduced fat ice cream. 50% less fat and 20% less calories than Baskin-Robbins’ regular ice cream. “Ebony and Ivory” is a classic song. Being blindfolded, restrained in a torture rack, and whipped by a leather-clad woman named Olga.
Cons: Not as creamy as full-fat ice cream. Vanilla flavor was kind of bland. The BRight Choices Premium Churned Light Ice Cream doesn’t come in a lot of flavors. The bill for being blindfolded, restrained in a torture rack, and whipped by a leather-clad woman named Olga.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box Taco Nachos

Marvo 19 Comments

As I’ve said many times before, I’m not a fan of Jack in the Box’s tacos because there’s not much filling in them and they’re greasier than a Best Buy employee trying to sell you the extended warranty, TV calibration and the overpriced HDMI Monster Cable to go with your new HDTV. Because of my feelings towards Jack in the Box’s tacos, I didn’t expect much from their new Taco Nachos.

The Jack in the Box Taco Nachos is made up of their regular beef nachos cut up into thirds, placed on a bed of shredded lettuce and topped with a cheddar cheese sauce, pepper jack cheese and pickled jalapeno slices with salsa and a plastic fork on the side.

As you can see in the picture above, it looks like the Jack in the Box tacos went partying with Tara Reid, then puked out most of its fillings and ended up lying in its own filth. As you can also see in the picture, the taco shells look soaked which means that they’re either oil sponges or they competed in a wet t-shirt contest while partying with Tara Reid.

If you like Jack in the Box tacos, the orange glow of melted cheddar cheese and jalapenos, you will like the Taco Nachos even though they look like a bastardized version of nachos. I may not enjoy Jack in the Box’s regular tacos, but I did somewhat enjoy the Taco Nachos thanks to the previously mentioned cheddar cheese sauce and jalapenos. Both of them added a lot of flavor to the dish and the jalapenos also gave it a little heat. There were enough jalapeno slices to provide one for each Taco Nacho piece.

At $1.99, the Jack in the Box Taco Nachos is a decent meal or snack. If it was priced at $2.49 or more, it wouldn’t be worth it, since Jack in the Box’s regular tacos are pretty much dirt cheap.

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the Jack in the Box Taco Nachos, but I guess my heart has a place for radioactive orange cheddar cheese sauce and pickled jalapeno slices. If Jack in the Box’s regular tacos had on the inside what the Taco Nachos had on the outside, I might actually like them.

(Nutrition Facts – Unavailable on website.)

Item: Jack in the Box Taco Nachos
Price: $1.99
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Surprisingly good. Cheddar cheese sauce and jalapenos make it tasty. Jalapenos provided a little heat. It’s worth $1.99. If you enjoy JITB tacos, you’ll like these. Comes with plastic fork.
Cons: It’s not worth it if it’s more than $1.99. Looks like it puked out its filling. Oil soaked taco shells. Aggressive Best Buy salespeople.

NEWS: Taco Bell Offers Two New Platters for the Big Game…Oh Wait

Marvo 13 Comments

Today, Taco Bell introduced their new Beef Soft Tacos Supreme Platter and Spicy Chicken Enchilada Platter. Along with the main entrees, each platter also holds seasoned rice, refried beans, tortilla chips and tangy chunky salsa.

When I look at these platters and the food they provide, I wonder if they were meant for two people and if it would be all right if I called the enchilada one, “The Phallic Platter,” and the taco one, “The Yonic Platter,” because I’m a 33-year-old man with the mind of a 12-year-old boy, who just happens to know what “yonic” means.

The Beef Soft Tacos Supreme Platters has 1040 calories, 48 grams of fat, 16 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 2810 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of dietary fiber, and 36 grams of protein. While the Spicy Chicken Enchilada Platter has 1030 calories, 44 grams of fat, 14 grams of saturated fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 3330 milligrams of sodium, 15 grams of dietary fiber, and 41 grams of protein.