REVIEW: Orbit Positively Pomegranate Gum

Kayla 10 Comments

Pomegranate used to be one of those foods that pretentious, health conscious people in intellectual, or gourmet culinary, circles used to brag about at art auctions or fundraising benefits for obscure diseases. Now, it seems that pomegranate is that indie band who sold out by signing with a major label and having their Top 40 single remixed by T-Pain (which was also re-remixed by Kidz Bop).

Everything is coming pomegranate flavored, including ice cream, lip balm, alcoholic beverages, cereals, condoms and personal lubricants. Well, the last two I’m not too sure if they do come in pomegranate, but if I find them in my product expeditions, I will let you know.

I know I’m going to sound like one of those assholes that say they were fans of a band “before they got popular,” but I’ve been enjoying pomegranate since I was a wee little thing. Of course, my mother didn’t call them pomegranates; they were Indian apples (or Southeast Asian apples if you want to be politically correct). They were so beautiful that I would consume each seed individually, because they were like little rubies. I would also run my hands through all of the seeds and pretend I was a billionaire heiress counting her jewels (Hmm…maybe that’s something I should tell my future therapist). But now that pomegranate is the “it” fruit, more people are consuming pomegranate “flavored” items and not tasting the real McCoy.

Orbit Positively Pomegranate does not taste like the real McCoy, because it’s artificially flavored, of course. When has something artificial tasted or felt better than the real thing?

Wait…maybe I won’t go there.

The gum has a strong texture to it, but I find that a lot with Orbit Gum, it’s not hard per se, but if you can’t chew it, it might be time to admit defeat, let go of your pride and buy a pack of Freedent. I can best describe the gum as having a generic fruity gum flavor; it’s tasty, but you can’t really distinguish much of it. As for Positively Pomegranate’s stamina, it needs some help from those little blue pills, topical creams or whatever gum uses to boost up flavor longevity.

It’s really odd, but I found after chewing it for about two hours I developed a sore throat, which has never happened before with gum. It’s still tasty, but is it worth the throat discomfort that lasts longer than the gum’s flavor? Probably not. Of course, this was my personal experience; and like weight loss commercials that air after Taco Bell ads showing burritos in all of their beefy, cheesy glory, individual results may vary.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 0 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of fiber, 0 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Orbit Positively Pomegranate Gum
Price: $1.49
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Wawa
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Nice fruity flavor. Good chewing texture. The irony of fast food ads followed by weight loss commercials. Sugar free. Being ahead of the curve and not being an asshole about it.
Cons: Flavor isn’t really pomegranate. Gives sore throats, if chewed on for a long time. Pretentious people who make it clear that they are ahead of the curve. Indie bands who sell out. Kidz Bop albums. That weird Orbit chick in the commercials.

REVIEW: Jack in the Box $2.99 Big Deal

Marvo 32 Comments

Earlier this year, Jack in the Box came out with their $2.99 Jumbo Deal, which consisted of two beef tacos, a small fries, a Jumbo Jack and the feeling in your stomach that you’re doing something horribly wrong by eating it all. It was great for those who wanted their Jack in the Box saturated fat and sodium fix in this tough economy.

But, like most of the money in everyone’s retirement funds, this cheap meal disappeared. Thankfully, Jack has been kind enough to bring back a $2.99 meal, and this time it’s got a name that was probably conceived with the help of the old name and a Roget’s Thesaurus — The Big Deal.

The name is not the only thing different about this $2.99 meal. It comes with a small fries, a beef taco, either a chicken sandwich or cheeseburger and, most importantly, a beverage, which was something the Jumbo Deal didn’t have, making it hard to satisfy your thirst caused by consuming all the sodium in it. This orgy of trans fats, which by the way is the least sexiest orgy ever, has enough variety to make sure there’s something for even the pickiest stoner.

Despite having variety, none of the items in the Big Deal were new or interesting. The cheeseburger was so boring that I’m surprised the microwave oven used to warm it up didn’t fall asleep. If you’ve had a mediocre cheeseburger in any time of your life, whether it be in a school cafeteria or at some shitty diner at 3 a.m., you’ll have an idea of what this wimpy cheeseburger tastes like.

As for the beef taco, well, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Jack in the Box beef taco is one of the most vile fast food menu items. It takes some huge balls to deep fry an entire taco and then sell it to the public. Not even Taco Bell is willing to do that, and they put out a lot of crap.

Jack in the Box’s Natural Cut Fries may not have been circumcised and still have the potato skin on them, but they are quite possibly the most limp fast food fries around. I’m talking seeing your grandma naked and in spread eagle position limp.

By themselves, the boring cheeseburger, deep fried taco and limp fries, aren’t going to encourage me to raise my blood pressure and harden my arteries by eating them. But when all of them are offered together with a medium drink for only $2.99, it makes the cheeseburger a little exciting, the fries a little crispy and the taco a little less greasy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 Big Deal with cheeseburger minus drink – 764 calories, 37 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 6 grams of trans fat, 60 milligrams of cholesterol, 1414 milligrams of sodium, 80 grams of carbohydrates, 7 grams of fiber, 9 grams of sugar and 26 grams of protein.)

Item: Jack in the Box $2.99 Big Deal
Price: $2.99
Size: Enough
Purchased at: Jack in the Box
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good variety of food. It’s only $2.99. Nice amount of food. It’s only $2.99. It comes with a drink. It’s only $2.99. Its price makes everything slightly better than they truly are. It’s only $2.99. High in protein. It’s only $2.99.
Cons: 6 grams of trans fats (Seriously? 6 grams? If KFC can go trans fat free, then JITB should too). High in sodium. Boring cheeseburger. Greasy deep fried taco. Limp fries. Mental erectile dysfunction caused by seeing your grandma naked and in spread eagle position.

REVIEW: Uber Bubble Stride Gum

Marvo 20 Comments

I was once left with a case of blue balls because a woman said to me on my college dorm room bed that French kissing me is like French kissing a dog because my tongue just hangs out of my mouth and there’s drool everywhere.

While I did come back with the line, “Well, how would you know what it’s like to French kiss a dog, Ms. Bestiality,” which caused her to storm out of my dorm room and making the blue scrunchy signal for my roommate on the outside door knob meaningless, it did make me wonder if my inability to properly stick my tongue in a woman’s mouth is the reason why I lack the tongue dexterity to spread out a large enough surface area to create a bubble with a piece of chewing gum. Well, it looks like it’s time to test my tongue dysfunction with the Uber Bubble Stride Gum.

Like frat boys who brag about having the sexual prowess of porn stars, Stride Gum proudly claims that it’s extremely long lasting. Unfortunately, one person’s idea of “long lasting” may not equal to another person’s idea of “long lasting.” For example, the frat boy may think three minutes of pleasure is perfect, but the unsatisfied co-ed beneath him probably isn’t happy about the quickie that lasted the same amount of time it takes for her to brush her teeth.

As for the Stride Gum, it took about 20 minutes or so before it lost all flavor and I had the urge to spit it out. While that’s enough time to satisfy a co-ed and then cuddle with her, I like the flavor of the gum I chew to last a little longer than that. In other words, a little more uber.

The Uber Bubble Stride Gum’s initial flavor tasted like, I’m not kidding, the wood of a number two pencil, but after a few seconds it disappears and is replaced with a mellow bubble gum flavor. It’s not as strong as Bazooka Gum, but it’s much better and longer lasting than a piece of gum that came out of a 25-cent machine or a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. However, its flavor was nowhere near uber.

While my taste buds don’t think it has an uber bubble gum flavor or is uber lasting, I was hoping I could at least make uber bubbles with a piece (or four) of the Stride Gum, but I was unable to make any bigger than an inch in diameter. I think I was unable to do it because the gum wasn’t soft enough, like Hubba Bubba and Bubblicious, to create a good bubble. And because my dysfunctional tongue still doesn’t have enough dexterity, despite all the French kissing practice I’ve done with my fist.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 piece – less than 5 calories, 0 grams of fat, 0 milligrams of sodium, 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of sugar, 1 gram of sugar alcohol and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Uber Bubble Stride Gum
Price: $1.12
Size: 14 pieces
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Mellow bubble gum flavor. Flavor lasts a decent amount of time, but uberer would be better. Better than the gum from a 1986 Topps Baseball wax pack. Sugarfree.
Cons: Can’t make bubbles with one piece. Bubble gum flavor was nowhere near uber. Initial flavor was like a number two pencil. Three minute men. My inability to blow uber bubble gum bubbles. Blue balls.

REVIEW: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)

Marvo 21 Comments

With a name like Ritz, shouldn’t Ritz Crackers be fancier than they truly are?

Maybe they’re extremely high-class, but I have yet to see a monocle or top hat-wearing old man eating them and getting crumbs stuck in his white beard while discussing the African safari he went on to hunt the ultimate game — humans. Although I have to admit I’ve never been invited to galas that have The Most Interesting Man in the World who only drinks Dos Equis on the guest list or parties that don’t use red plastic cups to hold beverages.

If Ritz Crackers are fancy, Nabisco is attempting to make them a little more ritzier with their Ritz Crackerfuls, which come in two flavors: Four Cheese and Classic Cheddar. They’re basically elegant Ritz Cracker sandwiches with classy canned spray cheese in the middle. According to its box, each individually wrapped cracker sandwich is made with real cheese and five grams of whole grain.

The Ritz Crackers that Chinese fingercuff the cheese filling had that familiar buttery Ritz taste. The Four Cheese one had the sharper flavor of the two and on my ritzy scale of 1-10, with 10 being fine diamonds and 1 being shards of a broken glass window, the Four Cheese Crackerfuls was probably a 5 rating or a plastic silver ring with a clear plastic gem won from accumulating 25 prize tickets at an arcade. As for the Classic Cheddar, it tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack and on my ritzy scale it was a 4 rating or a plastic neon colored ring with a clear plastic gem that comes delivered in a plastic egg from a 25 cent machine outside of a grocery store.

While I felt both weren’t very fancy, I also thought they weren’t bad. The combination of the buttery Ritz crackers and the soft cheese paste was pleasant, but I think one would get more flavor by purchasing some fancy cheese that doesn’t come in individually wrapped slices and putting it on top of a Ritz cracker. Although I believe that would degrade the cheese.

Something I really didn’t enjoy about the Crackerfuls was the long Ritz Cracker, which was extremely fragile. Because they were even more delicate than normal round Ritz Crackers, I was forced to use a plate since I lack the white beard to catch the crumbs.

Another thing I didn’t like about the Ritz Crackerfuls was its name. Now I don’t have an English degree…

Oh wait. I do.

So it’s all right for me to say I found its name to be confusing because it’s not filled with crackers, it’s filled with cheese. So shouldn’t it be named Cheesefuls?

Now if two layers of cheese were Chinese fingercuffing a Ritz Cracker then it would be Crackerfuls. But it still wouldn’t be very fancy.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 package – Classic Cheddar – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 230 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron. Four Cheese – 130 calories, 7 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1.5 grams of polyunsaturated fat, 2.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 220 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 4% iron.)

Item: Ritz Crackerfuls (Classic Cheddar and Four Cheese)
Price: $3.18 each
Size: 6 pack
Purchased at: Walmart
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Classic Cheddar)
Rating: 6 out of 10 (Four Cheese)
Pros: Pleasant tasting. Buttery Ritz Crackers. Four Cheese flavor had a nice sharp flavor. Simply Cheddar tasted like a Kraft Handi-Snack, which I do enjoy. Contains mono- and poly unsaturated fats. Hunting humans.
Cons: Cheese looked like something that came out of a can. Long Ritz Crackers were extremely fragile. Crumbs. Would be tastier to buy Ritz Crackers and put your own cheese on it. Not very ritzy. Name doesn’t seem right. Being hunted by humans.

REVIEW: M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond

Kayla 21 Comments

Chocolate is one of those things that people either gorge on or enjoy a little piece once in awhile. I fall into the latter. I have friends who obsess over chocolate. Of course, they are all female, because as marketing dictates to us, chocolate is generally for women (with the exception of Yorkie in the UK which prides itself on being NOT for girls). Names like Bliss and Fling (which, by the way, has a site pumps out more estrogen than The View and they call their chocolate “fingers” — use your imagination) allude to the sexy, flirty nature that apparently my fellow sisters act like under the influence of chocolate (and sometimes appletinis). The folks at M&M’s/Mars have jumped on the bandwagon with their new line of “premium” chocolate.

I love chocolate and raspberry. It’s probably my favorite classic combination, besides steak and potatoes; dingoes and babies; and NASCAR and drunk rednecks shameless corporate sponsorships. However, I don’t like just any chocolate uniting with raspberry. It should be just dark chocolate, but unfortunately the M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond says that there’s raspberry flavored white chocolate and SOME dark chocolatey goodness in it (their website also tells you to enjoy them while you have your afternoon pedicure, because you know we all get those every day),

The M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond have a really cool metallic shell that’s eye catching if you’re the type of person who puts candy out in crystal bowls for your lovely guests, but I think that might be the only premium thing about them. The chocolate is good (if you like white chocolate and a light dark chocolate taste), but I can’t really call it premium. The size of the individual pieces aren’t even larger than the standard M&M’s with Almonds (which are getting harder and harder to find), but I guess that’s the folks at M&M’s/Mars saying, “You gals need to keep your figures slim.”

When opening the box, and the little baggie they come in, you get a huge whiff of artificial raspberry goodness, but when popped into the mouth, the raspberry flavor wears off rather quickly. It’s similar to the Fruit Stripe Gum conundrum; where you’re excited by the smell and you get that burst of flavor, but then it vanishes, like 80% of the people who were on American Idol. For the price, there’s a heck of a lot more choices to satisfy a chocolate craving, including great European chocolates from Lindt (those truffle balls are bangin’) and Toblerone, both of which are in the same price range as the M&M’s Premiums.

And a note to all chocolate manufactures: Just because it’s pink and has a cute name or package, we are not going to buy it. We will buy chocolate purely on the idea that it is chocolate.

(Nutrition Facts – 1.5 oz (about ¼ cup) – 240 calories, 17 grams of fat, 7 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 5 milligrams of cholesterol, 25 milligrams of sodium, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 3 grams of fiber, 15 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 6% calcium and 6% iron.)

Item: M&M’s Premiums Raspberry Almond
Price: $4.99
Size: 6 ounce
Purchased at: CVS
Rating: 5 out of 10
Pros: Aesthetically pleasing for fancy candy dishes. Nice raspberry scent. Being able to get away with innuendo in marketing. Fresh almonds.
Cons: Way too expensive for what you get. Flavor isn’t that strong. Overuse of the word premium. No green ones to make you horny.