REVIEW: Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita

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Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita

Now I know what urine tastes like from that magical flying ugly dog/dragon-thing in The Neverending Story. Of all my fantasies involving Falkor the Luck Dragon, guzzling its piss was not one of them.

Look, I understand some of you out there need something sweet to choke down alcohol (I’m staring at you underage high schoolers, college kids, and my friend Addam). However, like those awful Transformers movies, too much is really too damned much!

I’m embarrassed to say, for a martini sipping/microbrew slugging/aperitif in a small glass snob, I do like my cans of Bud Light Chelada. Maybe it’s the sweet clam and tomato juice or the salty brine that pats my tongue assuring me my secret is safe with Chelada, but me loves that beer. My wife, before celiac dropped in and ruined the party, liked Bud Light Lime.

So how bad can Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita be? You mean in addition to the stupid name?

Really bad.

I’m talking American Pie sequels direct-to-video bad. I’m telling you it’s worse than Billy Idol’s misguided technorock “Cyberpunk” album and WWE’s botched “Invasion” angle when they went to “war” with WCW and ECW. This Straw-Ber-Rita is Dis-gus-ting.

Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita Can

I was first annoyed at how small the cans were. They are only eight fluid ounces, but after a taste I wish they were even smaller. Occasionally when something smells bad, it probably tastes bad. As we get older, our taste buds become more complex and we want complicated flavors, so we sometimes ignore the smell and go to town.

Yet, when something is bad, it strikes like a hammer to the forehead. I should have known by the repulsive, sickly sweet smell emanating from the dark hole on top of the can. It could only be compared to somebody melting an entire bag of Starbursts or Strawberry Shortcake and Blueberry Muffin having sex, then farting after a good lay.

I noticed it was not very carbonated, which threw me off, but my mind melted at how sweet it was. It tasted like fruit punch spiked with grain alcohol minus the strength of grain alcohol. It took me back to the days of a college freshman trying to get smashed on ripple and dumping as much Gatorade or Hi-C to drown out the weird bitterness.

I could not taste the lime or the mock tequila. The only thing staring at me was the wall of sugar and cloying syrup that remotely tasted of candy-berries (You know that fake flavor of candy strawberries we all hate? I do anyhow). I imagine this is what cartoon characters drink when they are done filming another show. They probably kick back, do some purple colored poopies, and grab a cold Straw-Ber-Rita from their strange orange egg-shaped fridge with zany sound effects.

Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita Color

Additionally, the color is also off-putting. It was a reddish pink that looked like clay or sand from a cheap science fiction film that’s set on Mars. I understand Chelada from the can looks similar, but hell, that tastes good and it’s freaking “clamlicious!”

Anheuser-Busch lets you know that it is 8 percent alcohol, but I think there is more in my Burberry cologne because I could not taste it. The can also stated, “Margarita with a twist,” but that’s an understatement. It’s really a margarita that will make you question the faith of mankind and have you ask yourself, “Can I punch a dog in the face and get away with it?” No. Can this dreck call itself a margarita and get away with it? Double No. The box also suggests I try it on ice. I suggest nobody try it, on ice, without ice, as a body shot, or in the can itself.

As you know, you’re reminded to enjoy alcohol responsibly. The only responsible thing I can think of in regards to Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita is to walk away…walk away very fast from this concoction.

(Nutritional Facts – 8 ounces- 199 calories, 0 grams of fat, 24 grams of carbohydrates, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Bud Light Lime Straw-Ber-Rita
Purchased Price: $11.99
Size: 12-pack/8 fl oz. cans
Purchased at: Publix
Rating: 2 out of 10
Pros: That the cans are only eight ounces, so if you are forced at gunpoint to drink this, it’s kind of a win. Surprisingly low amount of carbohydrates for a malt beverage. The Neverending Story theme song, get out of my head! No wait, come back!
Cons: It is deadly sweet. It does not taste like a margarita. That this actually exists. Direct to video sequels. Did I mention how sweet this is?

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 5/27/2013

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Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers. If you’ve tried any of the products, share your thoughts about them in the comments.

Limited Time Only Wheat Thins Lime

Wouldn’t it be cool if these Limited Time Only Lime Wheat Thins were green colored? (Spotted by Chelsea at Publix.)

Coffee-Mate Girl Scouts creamer

If you have a Girl Scout in your family, have her dip Girl Scouts cookies in your Coffee-Mate Girl Scouts Cookie-flavored creamer while in her uniform. Why? Just because. (Spotted by Lauren at Hillar’s.)

Ruffles Ultimate Tangy Honey Mustard

HARDCORE! Tangy Honey Mustard Ultimate Ruffles. HARDCORE! (Spotted by Marvo at Target.)

Keebler Simply Made Chocolate Chip

Keebler Simply Made Butter Cookies

“Simply Made”? You mean there’s a simpler way than using elf magic to make cookies? (Spotted by Adam at Weis.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

REVIEW: Glacéau Fruitwater Orange Mango

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Glaceau Fruitwater Orange Mango

Like a spontaneously occurring geyser in the middle of Yellowstone Park, sparkling water is bursting forth from the underground and having a Renaissance upon the aisles of the grocery store.

“Sparkling water. What’s the big deal?” you may say to yourself, and, indeed, you are justified in your asking.

Sure, sparkling water had its heyday in the Depression-Era soda shops, but, ever since falling into the hands of nefarious clowns bent on squirting it in the faces of unsuspecting patrons, its sparkly potential has been pushed out of the limelight.

Yet, like the resurrection of Star Trek on the big screen, this carbonated beverage has returned to claim its rightful place in the public eye, and Coca-Cola’s Glacéau is giving flavored sparkling water a shot with this new “Fruitwater.”

Glaceau Fruitwater Orange Mango Name

Is it soda? Is it water? Or something altogether different? The questions linger…

One of the key marks of a good soda/sparkling water is the balance of fizz. Too little and it tastes like a flavored mistake. Too much and it feels like microscopic bees are stinging down your esophagus lining. This particular iteration is definitely on the stronger side of fizziness, but it’s not so harsh that it feels like you swallowed the Drano form of carbon dioxide. It’s smooth and easily drinkable, yet those carbonated bubbles bubble up around the top to remind you, “Hey! Look at me! I’m releasing carbon dioxide into the air with all my effervescence!”

Glaceau Fruitwater Orange Mango Bubbles

I’m sure the wilting dogwood tree outside my window will be very happy for all that carbon dioxide it can now use for photosynthesis.

But I don’t drink bubbly drinks for their fizz. I drink them because I hope they taste good, and flavored sparkling water can taste of anything from aspartame to bubbly diesel fuel.

Luckily, this drink is not of the latter. Actually, it has a pretty good, non-fancy citrus flavor going on. It’s a simple mix of sweet and tangy with a citrus pop. Orange comes at the forefront of flavors here, although I might specify it more as a tangerine than an orange. I can’t really detect too many mango nuances. In fact, I might more classify it more as a peach aftertaste with hints of…Tang? Yes, Tang if you bottled it and poofed in some carbonation.

Maybe I’m dehydrated or just being a goon-head, but I think there’s a cooling effect in the artificial sweeteners and it seems to be making the whole drink taste sweeter. Not so much so that it overpowers or embitters the beverage, but it’s noticeable. I enjoy it, but I have 32 sweet teeth. If you find yourself with a lower sweet tooth count and/or are sensitive to artificial sweeteners, be wary.

The world is filled with dangerous things like E. coli, mountain lions, and large, pink umbrellas that knock you in the head while you’re walking down the sidewalk. It’s in a dangerous world like ours that you need the immune system of an alligator and, thus, it was with a sigh of relief that I found this new fizzy Fruitwater enhanced with lots of B-vitamins sure to enhance your immune system.

There aren’t even any calories in here, but that also means there’s no fruit involved, making the whole “Fruitwater” moniker a bit of misnomer, but hey, taste trumps accuracy for me on this one. If I want fruit, I’ll go with juice.

I was a bit Sherlock-Holmesian in my high degree of skepticism for this new Glacéau traveler, but was happy to find myself proved wrong. While not exactly “fruit” or “water,” this is a pretty good soda-like beverage with a simple orange/tangerine taste. Yes, something about artificially flavored carbonation satisfies, and it’s nice to find a new option that doesn’t taste like someone bottled up an Alka-Seltzer.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 0 calories, 0 calories from fat, 0 grams of fat, 0 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 0 milligrams of potassium, Less than 1 gram of carbohydrates, 0 grams of dietary fiber, 0 grams of sugars, and 0 grams of protein, 20% Vitamin B6, 20% Magnesium, 20% Pantothenic acid, 20% Zinc.)

Item: Glacéau Fruitwater Orange Mango
Purchased Price: $1.15
Size: 16.9 fl. oz.
Purchased at: Food Emporium
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Simple orange flavor. Carbonated Tang. Lots of B-vitamins. Balanced fizz. Calorie-free. Talking carbon dioxide bubbles. Photosynthesis. May make you immune to attacks by mountain lions.
Cons: Questionable mango presence. May be too sweet for some. Makes me remember all the bad sparkling water I’ve had. No actual fruit. Nefarious clowns. Pink umbrellas that knock you in the head. May not make you immune to attacks by mountain lions.

REVIEW: Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets

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Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets

Being from the Midwest, I didn’t know anything about Cuban sandwiches until I moved to California. You read that correctly. It took a move 1,600 miles in the wrong direction for me to finally experience the warm, toasty delights of the Mixto — roasted pork, sliced ham, swiss cheese, pickles and yellow mustard on fresh Cuban bread pressed with a plancha (iron) and cut diagonally across the center. ¡Delicioso! So far be it from me to shy away from sampling the newest addition to the Hot Pockets line-up, the Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pocket.

Much like the East Coast/West Coast hip hop feud of yore, there’s a rivalry between Tampa and Miami regarding ownership of the Cuban sandwich. Tampa appears to be the original home of the Mixto (a.k.a the Cubano), which was introduced there in the 1890s by hungry Cuban cigar factory workers in the Ybor City neighborhood. They did, however, add salami to the sandwich — a highly controversial move, especially considering how Miami’s sandwich artists have adhered to the traditional recipe. I suppose this would be the “Who Shot Ya?” event of the sandwich war because things really popped off after that.

Suffice it to say, the salami-free Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets seem to welcome me to the city where the heat is on, all night on the beach ‘til the break of dawn. Bienvenido a Miami…

These Hot Pockets are demanding that I get Pitbull on the phone and tell him to meet us in the V.I.P. at LIV for some bottle service after the Heat game and then afterwards, crank up the salsa as we speed to the Ritz-Carlton South Beach in our yellow Lambo for the after party.

Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets Whole

But before I book that plane ticket, let’s pause for a moment and talk about Cuban bread. It’s delicious and airy with that necessary touch of fat that makes Cuban bread Cuban and almost all other bread crap. I can’t be sure that the Hot Pockets people have injected lard into their crust, but the Cuban Style Hot Pocket is soft and delicious. True, the crust isn’t crispy since these Hot Pockets are heated in the microwave and don’t come with a crisping sleeve, but it isn’t soggy either. It manages to maintain a perfectly bread-like exterior with the right amount of give and softness without becoming a mushy mess.

Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets Innards

When it comes to the innards of the Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets, they closely approximate the makeup of authentic Cuban sandwiches. They are full of pickle flavor, but I’m at a loss trying to explain where the intense pickle-y taste actually comes from. How did they manage to get so much flavor out of these itsy bitsy chunks of pickle? The meat portion of this Hot Pocket consists of diced ham and sliced pork — two delicious meats that come from the same magically delicious animal. There is a hint of mustard in the Hot Pocket, but it definitely takes a backseat to the pickle flavor.

Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets Sliced

The Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pocket is a winner with a pleasantly soft crust, savory pork bits, gooey Swiss cheese, tangy pickles, and no salami. Though it lacks the crispy, toasted texture one can only get from using a sandwich press instead of a microwave, I am positive that anyone looking for some Cubano goodness won’t be disappointed. Just don’t tell Tampa.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 sandwich – 260 calories, 90 fat calories, 10 grams of fat, 3.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 30 milligrams of cholesterol, 680 milligrams of sodium, 32 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 3 grams of sugar, 10 grams of protein, 15% Calcium, 10%Iron, 0% Vitamin C, 2% Vitamin A.)

Item: Limited Edition Cuban Style Hot Pockets
Purchased Price: $2.00 (on sale)
Size: 2 sandwiches
Purchased at: Ralphs
Rating: 8 out of 10
Pros: Pickles, pork & cheese. Thick, soft bread. Lard injections. Pitbull.
Cons: Teensy mystery pickles. Sandwich feuds. Definitely not plancha crispy. Only around for a short time.

SPOTTED ON SHELVES – 5/22/2013

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Here are some interesting new and limited edition products found on store shelves by us and your fellow readers. If you’ve tried any of the products, share your thoughts about them in the comments.

Skippy Natural with Dark Chocolate

Damn skippy! Oh, no…I’m not amazed Skippy has a peanut spread with dark chocolate, I just like to write the same way your great grandpa talks. (Spotted by Deanna at Walmart.)

Betty Crocker Cotton Candy Cookie Mix and Frosting

If Betty Crocker’s first Target exclusive cookie mix and frosting flavor is cotton candy, I hope another fair food ends up as the second. Preferably, a deep fried fair food. (Spotted by Richard at Target.)

Jet-Puffed MallowBites Chocolate Brownie Marshmallows

I guarantee, as you’re reading this, there’s a baking blog owner somewhere who’s putting these Jet-Puffed MallowBites Chocolate Brownie Marshmallows into a brownie mix, taking photos of every step, and plans to post the photos and recipe on their blog tomorrow. (Spotted by Sara at Walmart.)

Chobani Flip

Chobani Key Lime Crumble Flip

According to Chobani, I’m supposed to flip for these new yogurts. Well, to be honest, it’s just yogurt with toppings, so it’s not that special to me. The only way I’d flip for Chobani Flip is if there was a liquid spill in front of the Chobani section of the dairy case. Oh wait. That wouldn’t be a flip; it would be a slip. (Spotted by Charmi at Target.)

Thank you to all the photo contributors! If you’re out shopping and see an interesting new or limited edition product on the shelf, snap a picture of it, and send us an email ([email protected]) with where you found it and “Spotted” in the subject line. If you do so, you might see your picture in our next Spotted on Shelves post.

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