Oh, Fiber One Brownies – how do I love thee? Let me count the ways:

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Let’s start over. It was the best of brownies; it was the worst of brownies. Well, actually not so much “best”…

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Fiber One Brownies, I love you true; you keep me thin, you make me–

Hmm.

You know, sometimes a clever intro just isn’t happening. (Some would argue that for me they NEVER happen.) Let’s just move on.

As past reviews will attest, I’m generally not very good about what I eat. Way too much soda, red meat, and sugary products, and not nearly enough stuff that is statistically less hazardous for you than rat poison. Fiber One Brownies are an attempt at a compromise, finding something that won’t kill me and might actually make me healthier without requiring the slightest change in diet. Because I’m an American, dammit, and if you think I’m not eating what I want when I want, you can get the hell back to Russia, commie. Some of you may consider that jingoistic, but ask yourselves this: where’s my scotch? Come on, scotch, you and I need to get this review done by toml;djknsado;aodnj

While the idea of a low-calorie dessert that also tastes awesome is obviously going to appeal to everyone, I think most of us are rightly skeptical of such products, as 9 times out of 10 they taste like urinal cakes rather than the thing they’re trying to emulate. So I went in with understandable trepidation, yet also hopes that this would be the product to reverse the trend. Visually they look okay — kind of small, but for 90 calories you’re probably not expecting a massive brick of chocolate. But in terms of taste? Put it this way: I’m halfway through each box, and I’ll let you know when I get to a good one.

I think “moist” is an adjective most people would use to describe their ideal brownies and towelettes, and it’s also the last word you’d use in reference to Fiber One Brownies. “Like they mixed coffee grounds in with the recipe” would be a more apt descriptor. They’re basically the dessert equivalent of the saltine challenge. You just might be able to eat six in a minute, but if they don’t dehydrate your mouth, they’ll be dehydrating you in an entirely different way in the near future. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, that means you should definitely try it. Let me know how that works out.

The peanut butter ones do carry a peanut butter taste, but it seems to coexist alongside the chocolate instead of melding together. It’s like a gentrified country club that reluctantly agrees to allow minorities in, but then refuses to talk to them and pretends they aren’t there. And yes, I just compared peanut butter to racist WASPs, which should tell you just how uninspired this peanut butter is. And how very, very far I’ll go to stretch a metaphor.

The chocolate fudge variety is slightly better just by virtue of not trying to mix together two flavors that seem bound and determined to fight each other. There’s just a hint of fudge flavor underlying the chocolate, which I don’t blame them for because for 90 calories, I had assumed one of the packaging machines was operated by a guy who once heard about fudge from a friend. It’s a bit less dry than the peanut butter kind, though actually using the word “moist” on the back of the package is still an exaggeration gross enough to merit at least three lawsuits. Still, I suppose if you’ve only got 90 calories left to spare for lunch and you work at one of those places that frowns on drinking light beer at your desk, there are worse options out there. Not many, but some.

Between this review and Stephanie’s shit fit from the other day, it may seem like we’re beating up on Fiber One lately. But really, it’s their own fault for sucking. Sure it’s impressive that the products are so low calorie and will probably induce you to lose at least half of that, but if they taste bad, I can just eat celery and not pretend I’m getting dessert out of it. I suppose these are useful for people who are mentally hung up on the idea of needing dessert but don’t have the calories to spare, but everyone else can safely take a pass. Your colon may not thank you, but your taste buds will.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 brownie – Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownie – 90 calories, 30 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 110 milligrams of sodium, 17 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 7 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein. Chocolate Fudge Brownie – 90 calories, 25 calories from fat, 3 grams of total fat, 1.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 18 grams of total carbohydrates, 5 grams of dietary fiber, 8 grams of sugars, and 1 gram of protein.)

Item: Fiber One 90 Calorie Brownies (Chocolate Peanut Butter and Chocolate Fudge)
Price: 2 for $5.00 (on sale)
Size: 6 brownies
Purchased at: Giant
Rating: 4 out of 10 (Chocolate Peanut Butter Brownie)
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Chocolate Fudge Brownie)
Pros: Low calorie. Small, so easy to transport. Visually acceptable. Tasty hint of fudge. Cheaper than a colonoscopy.
Cons: Non-clever intros. Coffee ground brownies. Moist as a hot sidewalk in July. Racist peanut butter. Fiber dehydration. Stretching metaphors like a woodchuck stuck in a taffy machine.