A wise yet misunderstood sage once observed that C is for cookie, and that was good enough for him.  It’s hard to argue with truth bombs like that, and I’m not going to try.  If anything, I’ll simply observe that like women, cookies come in all different shapes and varieties, some of which you’ll never be able to get enough of and some of which will break up with you via text message because you’re “too nice,” whatever the hell that means, Rachel.  But unlike women, you’re allowed to keep trying new ones after you settle down, which is fortunate because otherwise this review would be one sentence long and say, “I love chocolate chip cookies and I would NEVER TRY A DIFFERENT ONE NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT BEGGED ME TO EAT IT.” 

Obviously that’s not going to cut it, so last Friday night I put on my finest dress shirt, headed down to the local grocery store and picked up some Golden Oreo Fudge Cremes and Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Fudge Cremes.  I’m not one to brag, but let’s just say they both found their way home with me and leave it at that.

I naively assumed I knew what to expect with these cookies, only to realize how wrong I was once I opened the packages.  The first thing you’ll notice is that they’re pretty slim, about the thickness of a Thin Mint.  (In fact, there’s a mint version of this cookie that I’m guessing tastes exactly like a Thin Mint.)  Ergo, clearly not the “regular Oreo coated with fudge” that I had assumed they’d be.  I can’t imagine why I would have thought that, unless it’s because Oreos have a distinct “cookie/filling/cookie” sandwich configuration that literally everyone in the entire world associates with them.  Don’t ask me why they decided to deviate from that — possibly eating full Oreos covered in fudge would cause your ass to expand so rapidly that you’d give yourself an instant wedgie even if you were wearing boxers.  Or maybe it€™s a cost-saving measure. 

The fact remains that Oreo Fudge Cremes are more like what you’d get if you twisted an Oreo in half and dipped it in fudge, the only real difference being that the peanut butter ones (natch) have PB instead of vanilla creme.  In retrospect I should not have been surprised, as the front of each package has a 3-step illustration showing exactly what I just described: half of an Oreo being covered in fudge until it’s completely coated, the end.  It’s literally so simple that its intended audience of children should be able to grasp it in a second, which does not reflect highly on me.  What can I say, it’s late.

As I mentioned before, the cookies really do closely resemble Thin Mints, just a bit bumpier.  Both kinds, Golden and Peanut Butter, look functionally identical when placed next to each other.  In fact, if you can correctly identify which cookies are which in the picture above and email me your answer, I will send you a hefty monetary prize.  Though I have a nagging suspicion that every single person who guesses is going to be wrong.  Call it a hunch.

The peanut butter cookies definitely carry that distinctive PB smell, though it’s not overpowering thanks to the fudgy shell.  They taste decent, but unfortunately suffer from not enough peanut butter flavor… it’s a little too muted.  As my wife quite rightly points out, there are tons of ways to get your peanut butter/chocolate fix, not least of which are Reese’s peanut butter cups.  If there aren’t any PB cups available, these will do in a pinch, but their texture makes them slightly less desirable than the old standby — for some reason the cookie component doesn’t add anything, it just gets in the way of the more pronounced peanut butter and chocolate tastes.  They aren’t bad, but I stop short of being able to highly recommend them either.

The Golden Oreo Fudge Cremes, on the other hand, are really good.  Here the cookie component doesn’t seem superfluous thanks to the lack of a preexisting peanut butter cup bias, and actually feels a bit crunchier.  Also, the creme filling is a much bolder taste than the peanut butter, which in this case is a good thing.  It feels odd to say this since peanut butter and chocolate are a proven flavor combination, but the components of the golden fudge cremes just mesh a lot better.  And I might just be imagining it, but the flavor seems to linger longer, for what that’s worth.

Be prepared for the fact that even though they come in large packages, there really aren’t that many cookies in there.  I can’t remember exactly how many regular Oreos used to come per package, but I guarantee you it’s more than what each of these packages contained, which makes no sense because these are thinner than regular Oreos, so in theory you should be able to cram more of them in.  Each cookie has its own little individual slot in the plastic container, and maybe there needs to be a little room between them to keep the fudge from melting and sticking all the cookies together, but they don’t need THAT much space.  At least part of that is profit inflation, so while these aren’t ridiculously expensive products, you’re not getting everything you could be either.

I don’t have much else to say without resorting to mocking Hydrox cookies (you could tell your after-school program already spent their entire month’s budget on softball equipment when they started hauling out the Hydrox, couldn’t you?), and nobody wants to hear that.  I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out how unhealthy these fudge cremes are for you — three cookies account for almost a quarter of your recommended saturated fat intake for the day — but no one buys Oreos because they’re concerned about health, they buy them because they taste good and help to relive your childhood.  On the former count, at least, these cookies mainly succeed, but unless you still have the metabolism you possessed as a kid, tread carefully.

(Nutrition Facts – 3 cookies – Golden Oreo Fudge Cremes – 180 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 55 milligrams of sodium, 40 milligrams of potassium, 25 grams of total carbohydrates, less than 1 gram of dietary fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and less than 1 gram of protein.  Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Fudge Cremes – 170 calories, 80 calories from fat, 9 grams of total fat, 4.5 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 100 milligrams of sodium, 80 milligrams of potassium, 23 grams of total carbohydrates, 1 gram of dietary fiber, 17 grams of sugar, and 2 grams of protein.)

Item: Golden Oreo Fudge Cremes and Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Fudge Cremes
Price: $2.99 per package
Size: 11.3 ounces
Purchased at: Acme
Rating: 5 out of 10 (Peanut Butter Creme Oreo Fudge Cremes)
Rating: 7 out of 10 (Golden Oreo Fudge Cremes)
Pros: Om nom nom nom!  Extending cookies/women metaphors to the breaking point.  Both kinds smell really good.  Effective texture in the golden variety, with flavors that mesh well.  Lasting taste.  Nostalgia factor. 
Cons: Getting dumped by text message.  Masquerading as Thin Mints.  Peanut butter variety not as good as PB cups.  Not overwhelming quantities.  Takes a lot of games of freeze tag to burn off the calories.