REVIEW: Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars

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As someone who gets dietary fiber via Pop-Tarts and Omega-3 fatty acids from gummy fish, I should be stoked about the (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars, but I’m not.

Because if an iPhone can be not only a phone, but also a music player, video player, Internet device and portable video game machine, then I should expect more from the (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars.

If Quaker was able to enhance a granola bar with 35 percent of your daily value of dietary fiber and 320 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 fatty acids, then why can’t they also include antioxidants, caffeine, B vitamins, minerals, ginko biloba and fluoride. Because I believe that you either go all the way or go home.

Sure, there aren’t many graphic designer who would want to attempt to design the packaging for a product with the name (take a deep breath), Quaker Fiber, Omega-3, Antioxidants, Caffeine, B Vitamins, Minerals, Ginko Biloba & Fluoride Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars, but that granola bar, my friends, would truly be considered a superfood.

One granola bar to rule them all.

Each (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars is 3.5 inches long, three-fourths of an inch wide and about half an inch thick, which is kind of small, but also somewhat the norm when it comes to granola bars. The bars get their chocolate flavor from semisweet chocolate chunks in them and a chocolatey drizzle on top, and combined they give it an enjoyable chocolate flavor, which makes me think these could be really bad for me.

The bar’s downfall is how fragile it is. It falls apart faster than a Jenga tower in a game between a drunk Nick Nolte and a coked up Gary Busey, both of whom will think they’re playing against hallucinations of themselves. It’s quite irksome to have the granola bar breaking down in my fingers and possibly causing pieces to fall on the floor; because my DustBuster no longer works, the maid service I use will no longer accept jobs from me due to “sexual harassment” issues and I don’t own a dog or goat that could eat it up off the floor.

To solve this problem, perhaps there needs to be a (take a deep breath) Quaker Fiber, Omega-3, Antioxidants, Caffeine, B Vitamins, Minerals, Ginko Biloba, Fluoride and Elmer’s Glue Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bar.

(Nutrition Facts- 1 bar – 150 calories, 4 grams of fat, 2 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 1 gram polyunsaturated fat, 0.5 grams of monounsaturated fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 35 milligrams of sodium, 26 grams of carbohydrates, 9 grams of fiber, 7 grams of sugar, 2 grams of protein and 4% iron.)

Item: Quaker Fiber & Omega-3 Dark Chocolate Chunk Chewy Oat Granola Bars
Price: $3.49
Size: 5 bars
Purchased at: Target
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Good chocolate flavor. 35% of daily value of fiber. 320 milligrams of ALA Omega-3 fatty acids from flaxseed. Getting fiber from Pop-Tarts and Omega-3 from gummy fish.
Cons: Breaks apart really easily. Kind of small. Only five bars (whatever happened to even numbers). Doesn’t include antioxidants, caffeine, B vitamins, minerals, ginko biloba and fluoride. Long product name. Trying to fit long product names on packaging. Being a Jenga tower in the same room as a drunk Nick Nolte and a coked up Gary Busey.

NEWS: New Wanchai Ferry Frozen Meals Make The Freezer Aisle Look A Little More Ethnically Diverse

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 7 Comments

I <3 Panda Express, but I don’t like the fact that their restaurants close at the unreasonable time of before 10:00 P.M. What if a pregnant woman is craving orange chicken in the middle of the night? What if someone wants some sweet and sour pork after some sweet and sour porking? What if a stoner desires mushroom chicken after smoking some weed and noshing on some shrooms? Thankfully, Wanchai Ferry is here to save us all with their new frozen meals.

I reviewed and enjoyed the Wanchai Ferry Cashew Chicken Chinese Dry Dinner Kit, so I’m looking forward to trying these complete frozen meals that serve two people.

The Wanchai Ferry Frozen Meals come in five flavors: Sweet & Spicy Shrimp, Orange Chicken, Sweet & Sour Chicken, Spicy Garlic Chicken and Shrimp Lomein. Each bag contains the meat, vegetables and starch for a complete meal. Also, according to the image above, they take about 14 minutes to heat up, but I’m not sure if they’re microwaveable, and they contain no MSG.

Encourage Freezer Burns or Heat Eat Review to review them.

NEWS: Braun bodycruZer Gets Rid of Unwanted Body Hair Along With Proper Capitalization and Correct Spelling

/ / Spotted on Shelves / 12 Comments

Yes, that is how Braun spells bodycruZer, which is an all-in-one men’s body groomer featuring a double-headed hair shaving beast, one of which is the popular five bladed Gillette Fusion and the other is a precision power trimmer. It’s for those who want to be Michael Phelps smooth. The bodycruZer is somewhat similar to Norelco’s Bodygroom, which I reviewed a few years ago.

The bodycruZer can be used in and out of the shower, where you decide depends on whether you enjoy clogging your shower drain with your body hair or littering your bathroom floor with your body hair. It has a rechargeable battery that can last for up 50 minutes, giving yourself plenty of time to deforest your pubic hairs. You can use either hair removal head separately or you can combine them to remove unwanted hair as efficiently and quickly as harvesting wheat.

The Braun bodycruZer includes a charging stand, three trimming combs, a hanger, travel pouch and one extra Gillette Fusion disposable blade. It’s available now and will retail for around $70-$80.

Read our review here.

REVIEW: Pepsi Natural

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Pepsi Natural reminds me of naked hippies.

Why? Sit down and I will tell you.

It happened during summer vacation after my sophomore year in college. I returned home to decompress after earning a well-deserved 1.6 GPA, which I obtained by failing Russian and Math 100. My high school friends also came home and we decided to do some camping and hiking along the Kona Coast, which is mostly made up of hardened lava rocks with occasional sandy beaches, private multimillion dollar mansions, and expensive resort hotels.

As we came upon one of the secluded sandy beaches, we noticed two people sunbathing. As we got closer, they stood up, and it was at this time we found out it was a man and a woman and they were naked. It was the first time I’d ever seen nude sunbathers. I was hoping we would pass right by them, but instead my friend said hello and soon after that a conversation ensued.

Their names were Ocean and Rainbow and they’ve been living on the beach for the past couple of weeks. The couple looked like they were in their 60s, but their leathery skin might’ve made them look older than they truly were. Ocean took a hit off of a joint and then passed it to his female companion, whose breasts seemed to have lost the war with gravity a long time ago. She offered the joint to us, but we declined. The smell of the marijuana helped cover their musky body odors.

Now if you’ve never met a nude sunbather, the first thing you might tell yourself is to not look down at their crotch, which is probably the right thing to think. While my friend was talking to them, I tried to focus on their faces, but something moving in my peripheral vision caught my eye. I darted my eyes towards the moving object and saw it was Ocean’s penis. And it wasn’t moving, it was growing out from an unkept afro of pubic hairs. My eyes quickly shifted to Rainbow’s saggy breasts, then up to her blue eyes and stayed there. But my peripheral vision still noticed his rising cock.

Then I closed my eyes, but opened them when Rainbow called out Ocean’s name with a disapproving tone. “I guess I’m happy to see them,” Ocean replied.

The words coming out of his mouth drew my eyes toward him and then when he looked down, I also looked down and there in my vision was his bronzed boner, which was very similar in color to the Pepsi Natural, hence the reason why it reminds me of naked hippies. My looking quickly turned into staring, but I couldn’t help it because all I could think about was how horrible it must be to have a sunburned cock and I tried to see how the sun’s rays affected it. But I didn’t find out anything because we left soon after.

I think Ocean and Rainbow would like Pepsi Natural, but not because its amber color, that’s noticeably lighter than regular Pepsi, looks like the same shade as Ocean’s tanned penis. They would like it because it’s an all-natural cola made with sparking water, sugar, kola nut extract and eight other less exciting ingredients that either end with the word “acid” or “gum.” It doesn’t taste like regular Pepsi or have the same bite, instead it tastes somewhat earthy and not as sweet, which is probably due to the kola nut extract.

Overall, I did enjoy the flavor of Pepsi Natural. It’s definitely something different than what I’m used to when it comes to Pepsi, but that difference was refreshing. It still reminds me of a naked hippie’s bronzed boner (and after reading this review, it will probably remind you too), but I will continue to enjoy it.

(Nutrition Facts – 1 bottle – 150 calories, 0 grams of fat, 35 milligrams of sodium, 39 grams of carbohydrates, 38 grams of sugar and 0 grams of protein.)

Item: Pepsi Natural
Price: $12.00
Size: 12-ounce 12-pack
Purchased at: Costco
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Refreshing flavor. Earthy flavor and not as sweet. All-natural cola. Twist top. Uses real sugar. Hiking and camping on the Kona Coast. Marijuana masking hippie body odors.
Cons: Different Pepsi flavor that might take some getting used to. Reminds me of naked hippie’s bronzed boner. Failing classes. Just doing it in missionary position. Saggy breasts. Leathery skin. Sunburned penises.

REVIEW: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream

/ / Reviews / 17 Comments

Here on these rocks in the middle of the Pacific Ocean we’re known for a lot of things, like warm weather throughout the year, beautiful beaches, pineapples, tourists, Kona coffee, meth addicts, hot female prostitutes who are actually men and marijuana. But were you aware that we’re also known for macadamia nuts?

If you’re not familiar with macadamia nuts, they were named after Australian chemist Dr. John Macadam by his colleague Ferdinand von Mueller, who probably wanted to throw his friend a bone since Mueller had several places in Australia and New Zealand named after him, which includes the Mueller Ranges, Mount Mueller, Mount von Mueller, Mueller’s Peak, the Mueller River, Mueller’s Creek, Lake Mueller, Mueller Glacier and Mueller Park. Macadamia nuts are special because they have the highest amount of beneficial monounsaturated fats among all known nuts, they have a decent amount of protein and carbohydrates and they’ve been called exotic nuts, like they’re Taiwanese tranny hookers.

If you ever visit Hawaii, macadamia nuts are the perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii and enjoyed 80 plus degree weather while they suffered through snow and near freezing conditions. Consider it the non-verbal equivalent of saying “Suck on deez nuts, bitches! I went to Hawaii! Jealous?”

Despite having easy access to macadamia nuts and them being so delicious, I don’t eat them too often because they’re expensive. Also, if I buy some, they’ll be less of them for those tourists who would like nothing better than to give a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts to the annoying person in the cubicle next to them at work, then talking about how awesome their trip to Hawaii was and then asking what went on at work while he/she was soaking up some rays on a beach with a beverage served in a coconut and topped with a tiny paper umbrella.

While I don’t know if the new Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream has macadamia nuts from Hawaii, I do know that there wasn’t enough of them in the pint I purchased. Along with the nuts, which are fudge covered, this flavor also consists of chocolate and vanilla ice creams made from Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla, which means the companies that produce them meet certain environmental, labor and development standards.

With all of the ingredients involved I expected the ice cream and my tongue to do the Lambada, the Forbidden Dance, but instead they ended up holding each other at arms length and just swaying from side to side as Atlantic Starr’s “Always” plays. The chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy, but the macadamia nuts overpowered their flavors, but only when I could get a macadamia nut in a spoonful. As I mentioned earlier, I felt there weren’t enough macadamia nuts throughout the pint of ice cream. I counted ten whole nuts, but I think I would’ve preferred them being in much smaller pieces so that they could be spread out more and dampen their flavor.

Now that I think about it, I guess I could add my own smaller pieces of macadamia nuts since they’re so easy to get on this rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

(Nutrition Facts – 1/2 cup – 270 calories, 18 grams of fat, 12 grams of saturated fat, 0 grams of trans fat, 50 milligrams of cholesterol, 65 milligrams of sodium, 25 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of fiber, 22 grams of sugar, 4 grams of protein, 10% vitamin A, 15% calcium and 8% iron.)

Item: Ben & Jerry’s Chocolate Macadamia Ice Cream
Price: $3.99
Size: 1 Pint
Purchased at: Safeway
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Chocolate and vanilla ice creams were delicious and creamy. Uses Fair Trade Certified cocoa and vanilla. Macadamia nuts. The perfect gift to give to your friends and coworkers to tactfully brag about the fact that you vacationed in Hawaii.
Cons: Macadamia nuts overpowered the flavor of the ice cream. Slightly disappointing. Not enough nuts were spread throughout the pint. Would’ve been better with smaller nut pieces. Getting chocolate covered macadamia nuts from your co-worker who just came back from Hawaii. Taiwanese tranny hookers.

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