Ed Hardy (by Christian Audigier), the leading purveyor of fine douche-wear such as faux-tattoo print T-shirts and trucker hats, have finally taken the next logical step and created their own “V.I.F. Drinks” (which I assume stands for Very Important Fuckface) beverage line. You know, like that old saying goes: If you can do one thing shoddily, why not do a lot of things shoddily. Or something like that.
Sangria isnâ€™t what is traditionally known as a “manly” thing to drink â€“ what with the wine and the fruity bits and whatnot. And despite the skull wearing a cowboy hat with an arrow through it and a snake sitting on top of the hat and an eagle attacking the snake and some other snakes and fruit and stuff juxtaposed about the label, Ed Hardy Sangria still doesnâ€™t strike me as a particularly manly thing to drink. Like for instance, I donâ€™t know if I could see Jon “Fat Asian Spencer Pratt” Gosselin actually drinking Ed Hardy Sangria, but I could definitely see it as something he would offer to one of the many low-class women he attempts to bed. For anyone unfamiliar with sangria in general, here is the testimonial that can be conveniently found right on the back of the Ed Hardy Sangria bottle:
Produced in Spain and popularized throughout Europe for hundreds of years, Sangria is the perfect party drink. Mixed hundreds of different ways, or just poured over ice, fruity and delicious, Ed Hardy Sangria is everyoneâ€™s favorite, fashionable party guest.
Although after sampling this product, I personally donâ€™t really see how Ed Hardy Sangria can be mixed “hundreds” of ways. In fact, I can really only think of “two” different ways it can be served: In a glass by itself or in a glass with a handful of roofies mixed in. Because while real sangria is mixed with ingredients like red wine, brandy and fruit liqueurs, and packs quite a punch; Ed Hardy Sangria contains a laughable 7 percent alcohol per volume and therefore would probably not get a young lady intoxicated enough to have sexual relations with Jon Gosselin on its own.
Likewise, Ed Hardy Sangria doesnâ€™t taste particularly “alcohol-ey” either. It mostly tastes like something I would have sipped out of a little box and straw when I was in elementary school. If I had to compare it, Iâ€™d say the flavor most resembles Capri Sunâ€™s Fruit Punch. On that note, while at face value I really wanted to hate Ed Hardy Sangria, I couldnâ€™t even muster up the hatred for it that I usually reserve for things that come packaged in Ed Hardy, like 33-year-old men who hit on college girls. It was sweet, but not obnoxiously or cloyingly so, like eight letters handwritten in crayon pleading for daddy to come home for Christmas â€“ and overall fairly innocuous. There was just nothing notable about it whatsoever, positive or negative. As far as alcoholic beverages go, it was just pure, unadulterated mediocrity.
To compare it to leading competing products, I would have to say itâ€™s definitely more pleasant-tasting than your Booneâ€™s Hill or Arbor Mist. But overall, if you were in the market for a cheap wine(-ish) product that doesnâ€™t really taste much like wine, Iâ€™d go with something in the Franzia family. Because not only does Franzia give you a bigger bang for your buck, but youâ€™re also not putting your money into encouraging what could eventually be Ed Hardy brandÂ® breakfast cereal and Ed Hardy brandÂ® toilet paper.
Item: Ed Hardy Sangria Price: $6.99 Size: 750 ml. ABV: 7% Purchased at: Pennsylvania State Liquor Store, Philadelphia 40th & Market Location Rating: 4 out of 10 Pros: Was surprisingly not gross. Convenient screw-top cap. Real homemade sangria. Cons: Ed Hardy, obviously. Fat Asian Spencer Pratt. Wonâ€™t get you drunk. The fact that this product even exists.
Back in the day when young adults in the suburbs wanted to be rebels, they would pay their local hobo to pick them up a six-pack of wine coolers or a bottle of Booneâ€™s Farm. A decade later the drink du jour for the underage set was Smirnoff Ice. Today, young folks turn to alcoholic energy drinks to make them knock themselves on their asses, rip off their clothes, put a lampshade on their heads and run around in circles while repeatedly singing Lady Gaga’s “Poker Face” — the Eric Cartman version.
The Mamba JOOSE’s can design makes Sparks look like a little pussy bitch, and Iâ€™m pretty sure Joose would say that right to Sparksâ€™ face, if aluminum cans could talk. In return, Sparks would come back with, “Well, at least my name doesnâ€™t rhyme with douche.” Joose would get super pissed off and beat the shit out of Sparks with its tribal tattooed arms, if aluminum cans had arms. This is the kind of alcoholic beverage weâ€™re dealing with here, and Iâ€™m pretty sure after two cans of this D-Bag, or shall I say J-Bag, youâ€™ll probably be exhibiting the same behavior.
The Mamba JOOSE is a premium malt beverage with our good energy fiends taurine, ginseng and caffeine. It tastes very fruity (donâ€™t you dare say that to its face) and I kind of like it. I canâ€™t really describe the flavor more in depth, because after a few sips my mind kind of voids anything, but then suddenly becomes alert and jittery. It does this better than a Red Bull and Vodka.
Clocking in at 9.9 percent alcohol, it packs a serious wallop. Letâ€™s put it in perspective. Your run-of-the-mill Budweiser has only half of that, and the classic malt liquor, Olde English 800 (a.k.a Olâ€™ E) has only 5.9 percent. This combination of high alcohol content, taurine, caffeine and ginseng can’t be good for you. In fact, as of last month the FDA has given the makers of Joose and other alcoholic energy drinks 30 days to prove “clear evidence of safety” or theyâ€™ll take them off of the shelves. Iâ€™m not really crying over this, but I would like to at least try one of the other flavors.
I like a good beer, but I will admit I sometimes enjoy swillinâ€™ some old school malt liquor, especially if Iâ€™m pregaming. Iâ€™m positive that Joose was made solely for pregaming activities, because thereâ€™s no reason to actually want to drink this other than wanting to get hammered quickly without having to tolerate the taste of beer.
If that’s what you’re looking to do, this Joose will get you loose.
(NOTE: Please drink responsibly.)
Item: Joose Mamba JOOSE Price: $2.50 Size: 23.5 ounces Purchased at: Steak & Hoagie Factory Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: High alcohol content for the price. Tastes really fruity. Good for pregaming. Not having to pay a hobo to get you booze. Cartmanâ€™s version of Lady Gagaâ€™s Poker Face. More than one flavor available. Cons: Taurine, caffeine and ginseng makes you way too jittery. Booneâ€™s Farm. Doesnâ€™t have the street cred like Olâ€™ E, Colt 45 or St. Ides. Might make you loose. Might not get to try another Joose flavor before the FDA bans it.
Beer and college go together like peanut butter and jelly, spaghetti and meatballs, Bret Michaels and anti-fungal medication, Botox and the cast of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, RuPaul and surgical tape…
Okay, I think you get the idea. But, how about beer and fruit?
â€œBeer and fruit you say? I donâ€™t want no fruity stuff in my brewski. I donâ€™t even want that little pansy orange when I get a Blue Moon. Fruit and beer!?! Knock it off with your crazy talk, stop blocking the TV and go make me a turkey pot pie, woman.â€
Well, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, I guess you wouldnâ€™t be willing to try Long Trailâ€™s Blackbeary (yes, Beary) Wheat.
Just like you, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, I too am a consumer of beers typically found in packs of 30 due to the crickets that have found a place in my wallet and chirp on cue when I open it just to piss me off and make fun of the fact that I am a poor college student. Those bastards. However sometimes when I want to splurge (especially when Iâ€™m in New Hampshire where beer is much cheaper than the Keystone State.) I pick up something thatâ€™s local and what I assume has better quality than a 30-pack of The Beast.
Long Trail is a brewery that hails from Vermont and…
â€œVermont you say!?! Youâ€™re telling me they make beer in the state that got those Birkenstock-wearinâ€™ liberal hippies, ice cream with names that are always a play on words and maple syrup!?! I told ya to knock it off with your crazy talk. And where the hell is my turkey pot pie?â€
Well, yes, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, Long Trail is from Vermont and, actually, Vermont has more breweries per capita than any other state. Throughout the year, Long Trail likes to put out specialty brews that fit the season, and usually they have cute names and adorable labels with bears skiing or lounging out by trees or, in the case of the Blackbeary Wheat, an angry wife holding a rolling pin about to smack her husband who is attempting to take a piece of pie.
â€œCute and adorable you say!?! Beer ainâ€™t supposed to be cute or adorable. I need a beer that uses hot babes with their jugs bouncing up and down in their commercials, not some damn cartoon bear. Speaking about pie, where the hell is mine!?!â€
Oh, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, you are so right. Beer shouldnâ€™t be about how cute the label is; itâ€™s all about the taste. The right amount of hops, how much alcohol it has, how quickly you can pound it during a game of beer pong, or with Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat, the perfect fruit to grain ratio.
â€œRatio!?! What the hell are you talkinâ€™ about, ratio? When Iâ€™m drinkinâ€™ a nice cold one I donâ€™t wanna think about some damn mathematical equation!â€
Nor do I, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer drinker, but when I do drink a fruit type beer like Sam Adams Cherry Wheat, I keep in mind the unification of fruit and grain. However, I couldnâ€™t find any unification whatsoever while drinking the Blackbeary Wheat. In fact, I had to do a double take at the label to make sure I was drinking a fruit infused brew. The fruit flavor was nonexistent, like Spencer Prattâ€™s brain, which left my mouth wanting something with more substance even after I downed two of them.
â€œSee, I told ya. Donâ€™t buy those fancy, pansy-ass beers with cute names, stick to brews that got one syllable names like Bud or Miller.â€
Um, Mr. Stereotypical Domestic Beer Drinker, Miller has two syllablesâ€¦
â€œOne. Two. Same difference. Now what did I say? Stop blockinâ€™ the TV and go make me a turkey pot pie, woman.â€
Item: Long Trail Blackbeary Wheat Price: $11.99 (on sale) Size: 12 oz – 12 pack Purchased at: Shawâ€™s Rating: 3 out of 10 Pros: Itâ€™s beer. Funny/adorable label. Beer commercials. Playing beer pong. Only 6 grams of carbs. Being able to purchase beer at a grocery store. Poking fun at misogynistic stereotypes. Cons: Literally no trace of blackberry. Literally no buzz. The crickets in my wallet rubbing it in that I purchased this instead of a 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon.
(Editor’s Note: Today’s review is based on the popular Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads. If you’ve never heard or seen these ads, check out this site to get a taste of them.)
Bud Light presents Real Men of Genius
(Real Men of Genius)
Today we salute you, Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor.
(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)
Combining the watery goodness of Bud Light with the tomato clam juiciness of Clamato is usually only done by mad scientists and really, really, really, really, really drunk people. You also added salt and lime, but those don’t help the fact that you probably created the most ghetto bloody mary ever. Dr. Frankenstein used scavenged body parts to create his monster, but your hodgepodge creation would probably make him squirm.
(I ain’t going to drink that!)
Those who have balls big enough to drink it may not be able to smell and taste the clams or the beer, but the tomato is there punching their senses with a salty tomato soup look, smell and taste that only hobos can love. It’s somewhat tolerable, didn’t make me gag too much and I might’ve been able to nurse it until it was gone, except you weren’t kind enough to put it in a regular 12-ounce can.
Instead you decided to put your clammy concoction in a huge 24-ounce aluminum jug, making it impossible to finish without it getting warm, which makes the Chelada feel like someone rinsed their mouth with it and spit it back into the can.
(You sadistic bastard!)
So crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Champion of the Clamato and Backer of the Bud Light, because you’re going to find out if it mixes well with Grey Poupon.
(Mr. Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Inventor)
(Nutrition Facts – 12 ounces – 151 calories, 0 grams of fat, 15.6 grams of carbohydrates, 1.9 grams of protein, and 4.2% alcohol/volume.)
Item: Bud Light & Clamato Chelada Price: $2.49 Size: 24 ounces Purchased at: Wal-Mart Rating: 1 out of 10 Pros: Didn’t make me gag too much. It contains alcohol. Bud Light Real Men of Genius ads. Cons: Tomato punching your senses. Mixing Bud Light & Clamato. It comes in a 24-ounce can. Tastes much worse when warm. Would make Dr. Frankenstein squirm. Bud Light mixed with Grey Poupon.
I didn’t participate in any drinking games in college because I spent most of my time using myself as a guinea pig for serious sociology research on intense subjects, like finding out what effects playing Sony Playstation six hours a day has on a college student’s grades, seeing if a student can get a passing mark by not going to class throughout the semester and only taking the midterms and final, experiencing what its like to be on academic probation, and perhaps my favorite research topic, losing one’s virginity, which I’m still doing the research on because I have yet to pass first base due to my inability to take off a woman’s bra.
I hear there are many drinking games out there and I imagine they all have the same goal — to get everyone fucked up. Late last year, the Impulsive Buy was sent a portable beer pong table from a company called Pong A Long. At the time, I had no idea what beer pong was, but thanks to Wikipedia and one of my co-workers, who played it a lot at Penn State, I soon had a better understanding of the game.
The setup for beer pong is simple. Get a long table or take a door off of its hinges and place on top of two work horses, then set up ten tall 16-ounce red plastic cups on each end of the table like they were bowling pins, then fill each cup with the cheapest beer you can get your hands on, and then get some ping pong balls, preferrably ones that weren’t from a stripper who shot them out of her vagina.
The rules for beer pong are just as simple. There’s a team on each end of the table and the objective of each team is to make their opponent drink all ten cups of beer in front of them by throwing ping pong balls into the cups. The winner is the team that makes their opponent drink all ten cups first.
Since beer pong isn’t a game I can play by myself, like Monopoly, Jenga, and Solitaire, I needed an opponent. So I decided to play against fellow English degree holder and new Impulsive Buy writer, Stef.
Unfortunately, the both of us are not beer drinkers, but since we both enjoy vodka, we decided to go with Stoli Blueberi vodka and seltzer on the rocks. Now we could’ve shown you pictures of our beer pong game, but we didn’t think it would give you an accurate play-by-play. So using our English degrees, we decided to use the medium of words and express our competitiveness in the form of a rap battle. Enjoy.
The game is beer pong. The winner will definitely be me.
The poison don’t matter, beer or what were using, Stoli Blueberi.
I may have a lower alcohol tolerance, but that’s all right.
This game will be done quick, like a 1980s Mike Tyson fight.
Pong A Long table is out and the twenty red plastic cups are set.
So are you ready to have your ass handed to you, Stef?
Whatever, buddy.Â That’s all I’ve got to say,
You really think you can take this all the way?
Like Bon Jovi says, you’re “Livin’ on a Prayer,”
You’d be better off playing with some Care Bears.
Get ready to get drunk, loser, you’re through;
My balls are gonna be straighter than Tom Cruise.
Oh, “straighter than Tom Cruise?” I guess I have more hope.
Because his sexual orientation has been the butt of so many jokes.
It’s been five rounds and you haven’t got the ball in a cup.
Like Michelle Wie playing in a men’s event, you won’t make the cut.
With my pinpoint accuracy and rifle arm, there’s no way I can lose.
Need help? I’ve got a rocket scientist to calculate a trajectory you can use.
Watching you cross your eyes while you aim is the sexiest thing.
Is your constipated throw and frustrated sigh all you’re gonna bring?
You can’t even hit the table, your accuracy’s a lie.
You throw like a girl, you’ve got nothing between your thighs.
Hurry up and throw it, there’s no need to think.
Hurry up and put it in, I need one of those drinks.
I’m keeping you sober, so I can give you a head start and me a handicap.
You may have made me drink six cups, but get ready for the comeback.
It’s going to be so much sweeter when I come from behind for the win.
It’s going to “Take My Breath Away” like that Top Gun song from Berlin.
I’m a lightweight, but the alcohol isn’t preventing me from making a shot.
Just like one-hit wonder, Buster Poindexter watch me get “Hot Hot Hot.”
I’m not calling it a comeback like LL Cool J,
You can’t even hit the table, do you need to stop and pray?
I’m thirsty, want me to throw for you?
You’re certainly not getting anywhere anytime soon.
How’s about this?Â I’ll let you keep going until you get one in,
I’m feeling sorry for you, since there’s no way you can win.
Like Pat says, you better “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,”
You’re drunk, you can’t aim, you’re everything I’m not.
The Pong-A-Long table is too long, it’s messing with my depth perception.
Can’t get a ball in, even if I’m aiming straight like a Bob Dole Viagra erection.
Never mind, got a ball in a cup, better drink up, it’ll help you drown the loss.
I’m feeling lucky, like any guy who went out with Mona from Who’s The Boss.
I’m on a roll, I’m knocking down cups fast and now we’re both down to two.
In no time, I’ll make you look like a fool, like a crazy, drunken Paula Abdul.
Hey do you want to listen to a bit of my beer pong champion speech?
“Thanks to those who supported me and the loser for wanting to compete.”
I’d like to thankÂ YOU for finally making one.
Geez, I needed a drink like Homey needs fun.
Don’t blame the table for your shortcomings, friend.
It’s your sad little incompetenceÂ that’s becoming a trend.
Let’s not forget that I had to give you free throws,
Otherwise we’d both be here until Vern Troyer grows.
So stop with the excuses and throw the damn ball,
I’m ready with my talent, are you ready to fall?
Not if I get you first, even if I’m redder than an ass after a S&M paddle party.
Down to one cup, but I’ll solve this dilemma like sleuths Frank and Joe Hardy.
I’ve got an idea that will help me become the beer pong king.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing!
Like my new tactic? I’d like to now see you get that ball in this red cup.
Jinx! Jinx! Booga booga! Swing batter batter swing! …Oh, fuck!
Hell to the yeah, Marvo, you’re totally through.
It’s over like the Super Bowl; feel like the Bears, do you?
Admit you’reÂ a scrub, wear your loser’s crown.
Go retreat toÂ the corner and sit yourÂ tragic ass down.
Drink up that final cup, it’s the end of your story,
Like Jon Bon Jovi, you’ve been shot down in a blaze of glory.
Dammit! I suck!
Overall, the Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table is pretty convenient for those who play often, although it is a little pricey for those college students who mostly eat ramen. It folds in half, has a handle and is somewhat lightweight (a little more than 20 pounds), making it portable, but even with it folded in half, it’s still too big to fit into the trunk of my Toyota Corolla, which can comfortably hold three to four dead or alive bodies.
Besides being somewhat portable, it’s well constructed and it only takes seconds to set up…unless you’re already drunk, then it obviously takes longer. How much longer? If you’re a dude, here’s a little equation to help you figure it out:
Your answer will end up being in minutes. So lets say you’re 160 pounds minus the 60 ounces of Bud you just drank multiplied by the three minutes it took you to figure out the hot blond chick across the room has a goatee, then divide that by 60 seconds and it will take you five minutes to set up the Pong A Long table — if you didn’t pass out.
Oh yeah, if you’re drunk, you might want to lay on top of the Pong A Long table because its cool surface will feel good on your skin, much like the tile bathroom floor you’re probably used to.
Item: Pong A Long 7′ Beer Pong Table Price: FREE (Retails for $64.99) Purchased at: Given free by Pong A Long Rating: 8 out of 10 Pros: Portable. Easy to set up, unless you’re drunk. Well constructed. Better than taking a door off of its hinges and then putting it back. Its cool top will feel good on skin when drunk. Can double as a dining table. Beer pong is good fun. Vodka. Cons: Getting my ass handed to me and feeling a little emasculated. Kinda pricey for most college students. The length of it seems a little too long. Getting a ping pong ball into a red cup is hard. Folding it in half doesn’t make it small enough to fit into the trunk of some cars. I throw like a girl. Not knowing how to remove a woman’s bra.
Since alcohol helped these writers create wonderful pieces of literature (except for my friend Ryan, who instead wrote about his experiences in nightclubs for a local alternative newspaper) I felt that it wouldn’t hurt if I tried to find out if alcohol would help me be more creative, and perhaps write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD.
Okay, I may not be able to write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, but at least something better than the usual crap I spew out.
To make this happen, I need two things, alcohol and something to review. Although not a lot of alcohol, because excessive amounts of it make me want to dance with inanimate objects, especially refrigerators, which in an inebriated state look like big booty white women to me, like pre-Trimspa Anna Nicole Smith…times two.
Also, for some reason, I like to dance with poles when drunk.
Anyway, let’s see what kinds of alcohol I have in The Impulsive Buy Laboratory.
Red wine? Too classy.
Vanilla vodka? Too much of a chance I’ll end up freakin’ a fridge.
Listerine? Too painful.
NyQuil? Too drowsy.
Rubbing alcohol? Too poisonous.
Heineken Premium Light Beer? Yahtzee!
Oooh, I can also review it. Sweet!
Let’s do this.
7:45 p.m. – Okay, so I’m sitting here with my laptop and Heineken Premium Light Beer. I’ve taken a couple of swigs of the beer and I don’t feel creative.
7:47 p.m. – I’ve gone through a quarter of a bottle and I don’t have any ideas for the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD. The Heineken Premium Light so far has been easy to drink. It’s like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. It tastes all right. But if you like Heineken and are watching your girlish figure, you probably will enjoy the 99 calories and low carbs in each bottle.
7:50 p.m. – Oh man, I’m feeling kind of warm. I’m such a frickin’ lightweight! I only drank half the bottle and I’m already turning red. Damn these Asian genes! These Asian genes make me red when I drink. These Asian genes prevented me from growing past 5’7″. These Asian genes make everyone think I’m good at math. Maybe I should’ve ate something before I started drinking. I still don’t feel creative.
8:00 p.m. – Ugh. I drank the whole bottle and nothing. I wish I could channel the spirit of Hemingway. How did he do it? Maybe I should call my friend Ryan and ask him how he does it. No wait, he’s probably drunk right now and in his writing flow. Don’t want to mess with him because not only is he a creative drunk, he’s also an angry drunk.
8:10 p.m. – I’m just here waiting for the creative buzz to hit me, but I don’t even feel it coming. Shouldn’t the creativity be flowing like a river after the white blanket of snow melts? Shouldn’t the ideas be pouring out of me like iced tea from a clear glass pitcher on a hot summer day in August? Shouldn’t the words, sentences, and paragraphs be falling from the sky like rain in the spring?
8:11 p.m. – Oh man, I gotta pee.
Item: Heineken Premium Light Price: FREE (12 ounces) Purchased at: Given by Charlie at Hass MS&L Rating: 6 out of 10 Pros: If you like Heineken, but are watching your girlish figure, this would be good for you. Tasted like a slightly watered down version of regular Heineken. Easy to drink. Low carbs. Low calories. Cons: Alcohol does not equal creativity for me. My ability to turn red after drinking half a bottle of beer. I’m such a lightweight. Couldn’t write the GREATEST quasi-product review IN THE WORLD, not even a tribute.