REVIEW: Sparks

“Don’t worry, Jen. I’ll make you forget Brad and Vince with my tender lips. Get out of the way Ron Livingston! You’re ruining the moment.”

After drinking the entire 16-ounce can of the Sparks alcohol energy drink, it was like romantic sparks were flying everywhere.

For some reason, probably because of my low alcohol tolerance, I wanted to make out with every inanimate object in my apartment, including Jennifer Aniston on my computer monitor while watching the movie Office Space.

Heck, my body pillow looked hot in its long red pillow case, sort of like Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit?; my refrigerator looked like a really pale, big boned hottie; and the mop the in closet looked like Nicole Richie.

Also, if you know how much I love the curves of Method product bottles, I just wanted to let you know that loved them a little bit more after drinking Sparks.

It was a long night thanks to the caffeine, taurine, guarana, and siberian ginseng blend in the can of Sparks, which kept me up. I continued hitting on other inanimate things in my apartment, like the recliner in the living room, the dish rack in the kitchen, and empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom.

Sparks had a nice citrus taste, which reminded me of most energy drinks mixed with vodka, except a whole lot sweeter.

It was easy to drink, but as it got warmer it became less easy. It was also definitely better tasting than the B to the E I tried last year.

Sparks calls itself a “premium malt beverage,” but usually when I think of “premium malt beverage” I think of Billy Dee Williams and Colt 45.

The can of Sparks I drank not only made inanimate objects look sexy, it also made me redder than a high school student who accidently farted loudly while taking the SAT exam, but I blame my Japanese blood for that.

The next morning, after waking up with my toaster next to me, I came to the realization that I would probably drink Sparks at a bar or club, if they had them, but I don’t know if I would drink them at home anymore, because I don’t like cleaning the smears on my computer monitor.

Item: Sparks
Purchase Price: FREE (16-ounces)
Purchased At: Received from roommate.
Rating: 7 out of 10
Pros: Good sweet citrus taste. Big 16-ounce can. Sweet, sweet caffeine. Jessica Rabbit. The movie Office Space.
Cons: Maybe too sweet for some. For me, it makes everything look hot, due to my low alcohol tolerance. Cleaning smears on my computer monitor. Empty toilet paper roll love. Farting loudly while taking the SAT exam.

REVIEW: Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka

Sure, drinking alone is one of the signs of alcoholism, but drinking alone while playing a drinking game that involves watching an episode of Knight Rider is just good ol’ fashioned fun.

(Editor’s Note: For those of you too young to know what Knight Rider is, go read about it here or go purchase a few episodes here. For those of you too lazy to do either, Knight Rider was what started David Hasselhoff’s rise to German superstardom, solidified a place for him in VH1’s I Love the 80s, and it was “A shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Michael Knight, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law.”)

To play the Knight Rider drinking game, I needed two things, an episode of Knight Rider and alcohol. Fortunately, the iTunes Music Store sells episodes from the first season of Knight Rider and I had a bottle of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka.

Now the vodka would’ve gone great with some chocolate or coffee liqueur, but I didn’t have any. Heck, I didn’t even have any Yoo-Hoo or Nesquik chocolate powder. Instead, by popular demand, I decided to mix the vodka with most of the beverages from the last product election.

The rules I made up for the Knight Rider drinking game were simple.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s front red scanner light is shown, I would have to take a straight shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka. Unfortunately, it had a very slight vanilla scent and tasted like cough syrup. However, it was pretty smooth compared with other vodka I’ve had.

Every time K.I.T.T.’s license plate, which says “KNIGHT,” is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Island Fruit 7-Up Plus, which I decided to name F-Up Plus.

The Island Fruit 7-Up Plus didn’t add any fruity flavor to the vodka, because the vodka’s flavor easily overpowered the weak 7-Up Plus, much like how any woman could make me whipped.

Every time K.I.T.T. uses turbo boost, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Mountain Dew MDX, which I called Vodka Dew, or V.D. for short. The citrus flavor was noticeable in this concoction and was probably the best tasting of them all.

Finally, if any part of David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest is shown, I would have to take a shot of Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka mixed with Odwalla Superfood, which I named Hoff’s Hairy Chest, because if you look at the picture on the left, mixing the two creates a fuzzy concoction, much like Hasselhoff’s chest.

Shooting it felt like a fuzzy Hasselhoff hairball going down my throat, except probably a little sweeter, but still disgusting.

Unfortunately, the game ended really quick because each one of these things happened in the first 10 minutes of the show. Plus, in the first ten minutes of the episode I purchased, Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was shown ten times.

Because of that, I definitely needed to stop, because dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest was not the way I would want to go out.

(Editor’s Note: I know. I know. This review was supposed to be done weeks ago, but I’ve learned that it is hard to write while intoxicated, even when trying to channel Ernest Hemmingway’s spirit. To make up for it, go wax David Hasselhoff’s chest here.)


Item: Grey Goose La Vanille Vodka
Purchase Price: $19.99 (750 ml)
Rating: 4 out of 10
Pros: Smooth. Would probably go well with chocolate or coffee liqueur, which I didn’t have. The convenience of purchasing Knight Rider episodes from the iTunes Music Store.
Cons: Tastes like cough syrup. Disappointing for a Grey Goose vodka. The fuzziness of mixing it with Odwalla Superfood. The episode of Knight Rider I chose showed David Hasselhoff’s hairy chest WAAAY too many times. Dying from Hasselhoff’s hairy chest.

REVIEW: BE

BE

Here at the Impulsive Buy there is a list on the wall called, “Top 5 Most Wanted,” which is a list of products that I REALLY want to try. It’s kind of like the FBI’s Top 5 Most Wanted.

Of course, there’s a big difference between the two. When you find something on the Impulsive Buy’s list, you might gain weight from it. When you find someone on the FBI’s list, you might get killed.

The most wanted product on the Impulsive Buy list was a new beer called BE (pronounced B-to-the-E) from Budweiser, who seem to get a lot of free product placement in the television show Cops. (Budweiser, the King of Beers…Among Criminals)

What makes BE a different kind of beer is that it’s a fruity-smelling beer, spiked with caffeine, guarana, and ginseng. An energy beer, if you will. According to what I’ve read about BE, the amount of caffeine in it is about the same you will find in a can of Mountain Dew.

So I’ve been looking for BE ever since it came out in November, but I couldn’t find it anywhere.

I checked at the national convenience store chain down the street, the national grocery store chain I shop at, the small-business destroying behemoth, the local grocery store nearby, and even the small liquor store at the corner that sells alcohol and cigarettes to minors. None of them carried it.

Finally, this week I happened to be with some friends at a local bar and noticed that one of the waitresses had a BE in her hands. I instantly went to the bar to order one.

I was kind of disappointed when the bartender pulled out of those smaller-than-usual cans which most energy drinks come in, because I figured it would take a lot of those small cans to get most people drunk…Except me, because I’m such a lightweight drinker.

Give me a couple shots of tequila and I’d give ANYONE a lap dance.

So how does the BE taste?

It’s not bad. It has a sweet and sour taste to it, like most energy drinks, but you can also definitely taste the Budweiser as well. So just imagine Red Bull mixed with Budweiser.

I would’ve had another BE, but because I’m such a lightweight drinker and my sister was there with us, I wanted to make sure that there was NO WAY I would end being drunk enough to give her a lap dance.

Item: BE
Purchase Price: $3.50 (plus tip)
Rating: 6 out of 10
Pros: Caffeine. Alcohol. Not bad tasting. Found the number one most wanted product.
Cons: Pricey. Smaller-than-usual can.